To the moon

Hello. My name is Luci and I'm icky.

Chiara Bautista

When I say icky, I don't mean disgusting. I mean icky as in loveydovey. Icky is something I say when my sister is smooching with her bf. Icky is when I see an old couple walking down the street still holding hands. Icky is when my friend tells something cute about their significant other even though they've been together forever. Icky is cute. Icky is romantic. I am icky and I like icky.

I was looking for a piece of lyrics or a poem the other day from my old hand-written little books which some has worked as diaries on the side too. Fourteen years ago I had met a man I first described as a person who fills my need of human interaction. Someone who doesn't satisfy my soul. Later on I've been complaining about him constantly. Seems like all my heartaches and worries on the verge of becoming an adult had something to do with him.

There were so many things that made me want to scream at the book "Get out, get out get out now!". But of course I can't turn back time and go tell that silly little girl how fucked up the situation was. Why I didn't understand that was not how it was supposed to go, why I didn't have the courage to leave, why I didn't have more self value... I will never understand. But I guess I had to go through that to become the person I am today. We all have to grow up somehow and that relationship was my way of doing it.

The contrast the diaries casts for this day is amazing. I'm finally in a relationship where I'm valued by both sides. There are so much feelings, good all around. We can talk about anything. We can joke about things and we both laugh. He does these sweet little things and I like to think I do the same for him. I can feel it, the feeling is almost touchable.

Though it is too early (I know what you cynics are thinking over there), I can tell this is a good relationship. A healthy relationship. And I wonder why is it so hard to recognise one from all the crap out there. I wish I could make a list of signs here, just like in the earlier post about the signs how to tell he loves you. But relationships are tricky and people are so different. Something works for others, something doesn't.

It's about the feeling, how the other person makes you feel when you're around them and when you're apart. If you write in your diary "he makes me feel so insignificant and dumb", the relationship might not the one. If you have to work out artificial rules for your relationship, then you might be screwed. I don't mean the occasional who does the dishes or a monthly date night out, but if you want to start regulating something the other person does on a regular basis... Not a good sign.

There are no shortcuts and sometimes a relationship can feel like a drag. That doesn't mean it's necessarily doomed. But if you constantly feel the relationship doesn't give anything good for you, if it makes you lose yourself and makes you feel bad about yourself, if you constantly question why are you together, then it might be the time to let go. I'm not saying you deserve more, because some of us are naturally pieces of shit, but it will probably work better with someone else. Or alone. Being alone can be satisfying too.

I know this relationship I'm in is going to last from two things. One, is how he makes me feel. He has managed to open few tiny doors in me that I thought were shut forever. My viking left to raid coasts overseas for a month, and when he was leaving, he sounded very worried about me. As if I would miss him so much I couldn't function. Unheard of! No one has ever been worried about me like that. It's supposed to be the other way around. Since I'm made out of rocks emotionally and ice flows through my veins.

But he is right. And apparently I'm made out of marshmallow and cotton candy. It's only been few days but I can already feel the upcoming four weeks weighing heavy on my shoulders. To ease my longing I hang post-its on my wall for everyday he's gone that I can take out one at a time. Having something physical and visual to remind me that he is not gone forever hopefully helps. I also decided to write one thing I like about him on every post-it and I will probably give them to my viking when he returns from his travels.

The second one is how he treats me. I think it was our third date that he gave me a little Darth Vader toy to add to my "collection". I have around ten stuffed animals on my couch's back rest. That wasn't the only collection he wanted to contribute to. Let's just say he is not at all against me having a file full of dick pics.

So far every time a guy I like has asked me what I want for a present, I've answer the moon. I have never gotten that, which I guess is a good thing since I've heard rumours that having a moon is quite crucial for Earth to function as it should. Asking for the moon is a similar joke as to ask for world peace as a present.

Now. What is icky is that this christmas someone actually tried. I think this is closest one can get giving the moon without actually going to get the moon from the sky. My viking found a jeweller who makes jewelry from moonstones. The picture doesn't do it justice. He also bought me a piece of land on the moon. How. Cute. Is. That!

But I don't mean that he treats me well because he brings me presents and tries to keep me fat with chocolate. It's also how he helps me with everything I need help with - even when I don't even want his help. It's in how he drives through the night after a long shift just to get to sleep next to me. It's in his way of asking how my day was and being actually interested.

How he is reminds me why I was with my ex's in the first place. He reminds me of the good qualities they had that were slowly getting buried under the sand of time. My viking seems to have "best of both worlds" combining the things I've liked in men before and at least so far I haven't yet noticed what the downside of him is.

Today you can choose the song of the day yourself. I suggest picking one of these options:
Savage Garden - To the moon and back
Frank Sinatra - Fly me to the moon
King Harvest - Dancing in the moonlight
Mike Oldfield - Moonlight shadow
R.E.M. - Man on the moon
(It's not like they have much to do with the topic, except that they are songs that mentions the moon. But choosing yourself is important here because you can decide how the moon makes you feel.)

The Viking is away for the 14th, but don't you worry, I have no intentions of skipping Valentine's Day Extravaganza. Maybe it's even more important this year. Since I miss him. And since I'm finally in love. And I think he is the one.

But don't tell him I said that.

Because admitting it would be like admitting defeat in the world of rocks and ice.

What was on the bread

Lately I've been thinking about my latest long relationship a lot. Probably because I had a little fight with him the other day and we haven't talked much lately. Probably because I met a guy who gives me the same kind of vibes as he did. Or maybe it's because I had a long talk on the phone with a friend who is having troubles in their relationship. Let's call my ex... umm... Stan. That'll make writing this easier. So my ex is Stan, and the new one is so new that I have not yet established a good nickname for him. If he sticks around, he'll get a name.

So anyways, about the vibes. I don't mean bad and definitely not anything bone chilling. More the opposite. I feel good and calm with the newbie like I did with Stan. Stan and I were together for years and in many ways it was a good relationship. Okay, a great relationship. Most people don't get to experience that even once in their lifetime and here I am at the threshold of another one. It wasn't perfect of course. Nothing in this life is perfect, and there's a reason we're ex's.

When I try to explain to people why Stan and I aren't together, it's always difficult. We broke up years ago and still I get asked that, especially if we're seen together. "Tell me again why aren't you guys together?" "Is there any chance you could get together again?" "You guys were so good together." Yes, we were. No, there isn't. And here's why were not together.

It sounds so vain when I say it, but it was the toasts in the mornings. But you have to see this as a metaphor for the entire relationship. We were together for years, Stan and I, and few years we lived together too. Stan was great. He wrapped me up in a towel after I took a shower. He made sure I was warm on a cold winter night. He was tentative in many ways. If I went out with my friends to a bar, he didn't join me because that was not his scene, but he usually came and picked me up. Even at four am. Even if I was sober as a crystal glass and didn't need anyone to walk me home. And he made me breakfast.

You don't know how many mornings I flipped because of that damned breakfast. I had it the same way every morning. I still do, if I'm having bread. When I wake up, I put the boiler thingie on and go take a shower so the tea is not too hot later. I have green tea in the mornings. With honey. (Granted, three years ago I didn't use honey.) And the teacup is always fully filled, because I would use a smaller cup if I wanted less. I have a glass of water on the side, and it has to be cold. The water, not the glass. I have two slices of bread. Toasted. Next part depends on what there is in the fridge, but the elements never really change. I put butter on the bread (or cream cheese) and I smear it equally on the bread. That means the sides too, not just put some on the middle. Then I put cheese, because I like how it slightly melts on the toasted bread. Then I put ham or something whatever kind of meat there is. And then bell pepper, cucumber or tomato or something, again what there is in the fridge.

A long explanation, right? And not too easy to remember. How long do you think it would take to remember it? A week? A month? More than six years? I'm super grumpy in the mornings, and I told Stan multiple times that I get cranky when I don't get the breakfast I like, so it's better if he just doesn't make it anymore at all. But because he wanted to make me breakfast, he did. And I was angry. Because it was never right. And I need it to be right in the mornings. It just has to be right. Otherwise I don't survive the day.

He never learnt, and I was the bad guy. In the relationship with Stan most of things were like a stage. I tried not to get mad and yell, because he got so clogged from that. There were not a single fart in the room we shared. But it wasn't fake either. It was just how we were together, and it probably explains why it didn't last. Next time you see us walking around in the town, you know why we're not together. It's because of the bread. Stan was wonderful, and he still is. He's just not the butter for my bread.

Now back to the newbie and the thoughts. He doesn't make me feel like breakfast in the mornings. Oh no. He makes me feel like wrapping a big towel around after a shower. And this feeling makes me grateful for what being with Stan taught me. It taught me not to be so angry, not to nag all the time. It taught me to talk about things, all kinds of things. It taught me that two different kinds of people can quite easily make it work if they want to. It taught me that not all past relationships are waste of time. It showed me what is an equal relationship, where both brings something in it. It taught me not to poison the other person and it taught me to hold my own. Being with Stan made me the person I am today. I might not have been all the things I am with him, but I sure as hell learnt about myself so much that a retreat to a mountain cave for soul searching would not have been better use of time.

It's so important to be with someone who makes it easy to be yourself around. And it's so easy to be in a relationship where you forget who you really are, where the poison runs in both of your veins and the small voice in your head telling you that you're better than this, has gone silent long time ago. It's hard to end a relationship that you thought would last forever. And it is really hard to be friends with your ex's. Even for me and Stan, who didn't have that toxic atmosphere.

We don't have time for shitty relationships. Most of all because it molds us to someone we're not. It makes us lose ourselves and regret the things we say and do. A bad relationship makes us afterwards ponder not who the person was who we were with, but the person who we became during the relationship. If you find yourself radically changing because of a relationship, think about it hard. Is it a good change? Do you want to change as that kind of a person? Are you doing it deliberately or are you changing because the relationship is forcing your soul to twist and turn? Do you like the person you've become? Is that person you?

Relationship in the modern era is not an altar you're supposed to sacrifice everything on. Of course you're supposed to work for it and not toss it away if the breads are not made to your liking on the first morning. But you're supposed to work for something you want to keep, something that gives you something too. If you keep giving but you get nothing back and you change for it, stop. Find another way. Maybe the relationship is not for you. And I can guarantee you'll do better on your own than in a toxic relationship. You'll survive the breakup and you'll learn to stand on your own two feet again. Don't let a relationship make you bitter and twisted. Fight for what is good, and if there's none left, know when to give up.

Relationships are never easy, but they can still be good.

The smallest things can be the loudest

Sometimes it's the littlest things. He forgot to buy the milk again. He interrupted when you were trying to tell something important. He left his clothes on the floor. It takes forever for him to answer your texts. And even after years of those little things becoming big things and breaking you two up, he can still irritate the hell out of you with the smallest things.

My ex sometimes sends me holiday greetings. Usually it's once or twice a year, but if we have met, he becomes inspired to do that more often. I always invite him to my birthday party but he never shows up. This summer we met in a different event and after that he has regularly asked me how I am, complained how I missed his birthday and wished me happy independence day. Few days ago I got a message where he wished merry Christmas to me. And by me, I mean he called me by my real first name. A name that people uses in official occasions. The name I use at work and at uni because it would be too weird to call me by any of the nicknames my friends have given me. A name that none of my foreign friends can pronounce. A name that my ex has NEVER called me by.

I usually don't mind his messages, though I always feel like he wants something. This time I didn't give him even the usual polite answer. His message underlined how much of strangers we are to each other after these years. And when I say years, I mean it. He almost broke me and I left him. There should really be no reason why either one of us would want to hold on to any kind of relationship. His message rushed all the bad things, small and huge, in my mind: The last night we were together when he finally admitted he couldn't stop drinking and literally chose a can of beer over our relationship. The one night he didn't come home at all and I had to call through our friends to locate him. The times he came home without shoes or the times he passed out on the bathroom floor.

But the memory that kills me the most is from the time we had been together for few years and I was still in gymnasium (or high school if you wish). I got pregnant and I was very nauseous, and we both agreed to get an abortion. I wanted it because I was way too young and still in the middle of growing up myself. He was scared and maybe he didn't trust we'd stay together. First he said he wasn't going to come with me to the hospital because he had an exam coming up. That stung. And even after a decade it still stings. He did end up coming with me, a book in his hand. I threw up at the stairs of the hospital. I threw up the painkillers. It was scary and it would've been scary as hell if he hadn't been there.

Things were never the same between us after that but we still stayed together for four years. I have never really regretted making the decision of getting an abortion. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be now if I hadn't, because I really want kids one day. And every time I think about that, I come to the conclusion that my life would probably be something close to agony and torture. Yes, I would probably have the cutest 10-year-old ever, but I think that might be the only thing making me happy in this dystopia. I might have married my ex, he probably would drink even more, I wouldn't have started uni and I would have destroyed what's left of my wrists working uneducated in manual labour. I imagine a shitty, shitty life. And I'm so unbelievably happy and lucky right now. Even being childless and single, I feel so blessed. This is the better timeline.

So why does he keep sending me messages? What does he want? We all have those people in our lives whose contact seeking efforts makes us uncomfortable. The past lovers or the people we have turned down or the ones who have never got the courage to even ask, but we know they would want to.

We all have those people but we also all are those people. I can name three people from the top of my head who probably sees me that way. It's like you know how things really are, but you can't help yourself. You still dream things were different and even though you know your messages are not been received with open arms, you keep sending them.

I've always known I am one of those people but I never really realised before that I too have those people on my contact list. I think it's a confidence thing. I didn't think I could effect someone in that way. But why not? Why couldn't I make someones socks spin in their feet? I'm pretty cute when I want to and the loud sexuality in my silence must be intriguing for someone.

I get asked the weirdest things because of that loudness. This past month my friends assumed I have had a threesome because apparently I'm that kind of person. I took that as a compliment. Other friend asked me in what language I moan. I told him he'll get his answer by making me do so. That might have been a mistake... I can be very suggestive in my words but in real I'm pretty much as stiff as an icicle. Still I've been ranked as the naughtiest person (some) people knows and yes, I take that too as a compliment. But I wonder (more often than I would like to admit) if that's really true. I wish there was a site or a form you could pass on to your blanket-fort buddies and ask them to rate you. "On a scale 1-10, how normal was that to you?" That would probably be the only thing that would make me want to get in touch with most my past.

PS. Did you know that Finland has been ranked as the most promiscuous country in the world? There has been studies made at least in 2000 and 2008 that both said Finland is number 1. I find this hilarious in comparison of how quiet Finns are. You can read more from wiki, The Economist and BigThink.

PPS. After reading through what I've written, I find it odd how comfortable I am writing about personal things. Reading this makes me more uncomfortable thinking how much of a bitch I am for writing about someone else without asking a permission first than anything personal of my own. So, my dear Ex, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I wish all the best for you, you're not a bad person. We wouldn't have been together that many years if you were. I don't think we can really change who we are, but we can use more courage and be more ourselves with that bravery. There are some things I need to talk about and there probably are a lot of things you should talk about to someone. It's not too late for that. Good luck.

What a strange ride...

I'm such a geek that I sometimes just have to laugh at myself. I did something I thought I never would. I asked a guy out. In a very geeky way and I'm rather ashamed of myself. No wonder he said no... No matter how much being turned down bums me out, I can't be but a bit proud of myself. I finally did it! Maybe next time I'll do it in person though :D

2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.

I thought I would go through this year through the songs I've been listening to most.

This song, Polarkreis' Allein Alene is a mix of languages and was linked to me my then new friend. We just celebrated our one year anniversary the other day and I can't emphasise enough how important he has been to me this year. We've had many giggles together but we've also cried together. There's not much I can't tell him. It's weird to call someone almost a decade younger one of your utmost bestest friends but he really is that to me. And before you ask, yes, we know through WoW.

I've come in terms with my nerdiness. Or geekiness. I don't know which I am. I'm not a machine geek, nor an anime nerd, but I'm definitely not.. an unnerd. I'm a lot more than that and sometimes I'm afraid people forget the other things I am but in the end I don't think about it too much. It does eat a bit my inner smexeyness, but then again... haven't met a nerd who hadn't liked me just the way I am. This song also made me realise that I'm not so serious as I've always thought. There's a lot of laughter in me towards very silly things and it usually gets out with fellow geeks. I think I was way too serious when I was around twenty and I'm quite happy to have gotten some life in me.

This is something I never get over. As much as I've grown in the past year and really got to know myself, I still have a constant fear of being misunderstood. In my youth it was that people wouldn't understand my jokes or what I'm trying to say or overall who I am or how I am. Now it has toned down, but it's still in the back of my mind. That's why I like the virtual connection more than being face-to-face. It's easier to let the inner voice be heard when it's not mixed with the physical awkwardness that sometimes so annoyingly takes over. It's also a problem when communicating in other languages; I can be quite witty in Finnish and I have to try really hard to reach the same levels in English.

What I've also realised is that I'm not like other girls. I speak more openly about my sexuality and other things. I don't grow old like other people around me. I don't look my age, I don't act my age, I don't live like I should at my age, I don't like or want the same things. I'm not the jealous kind, I'm overly patient with the people I love, sometimes I think I love differently too. I don't like to cuddle. I don't mind foul language. There are so many things. When I was a teenager I was so sure that all the people are so different from me. Then I learnt they are all the same, we are all the same. And now, lately, I've started to feel like a stranger again. I wonder if it was a short moment in time and age that I was like the rest and now it has passed. Will I ever reach that point again?

The feeling that has gotten the better of me more than once this year has been the "why can't you see we would be good together?". I like you, but you like somebody else. And you like me, but I like somebody else. And it's so frustrating to be interested in someone and then someone and then someone and they are never the one. Three dates is the longest I've seen someone because they just haven't been the one I'm looking for. And only one of them has been quite mutual agreement that together we wouldn't be complete. I get sad when I look at that side of my year. It makes me feel old. It makes me feel so goddamn lonely. But as long as it doesn't make me desperate, I will survive the waves of frustration. Sometimes I just feel like I was promised more than I got.

This might sound weird but in the past year my self confidence has grown a lot. For example I've been so ashamed of my booty. "I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross." It required few compliments and some pics from good angles but I made it there: to the other side of self shame. I'm never gonna be skinny and I would probably get cut half in the middle if I was anyways. It's not just about acceptance for being what you are and not trying to forcefully change it, it's also liking your own body. As long as I'm not obese, why not like what I wear when I party with Adam and Eve.

I haven't lost my metal side. It has been hiding, but it's still there. This is not a happy song, but damn that it has a good beat! I noticed I'm not young anymore when one day I was home moshing and I couldn't move my head the next day. It was totally worth it though! I cannot help but move to music especially when it has such a beat. I bought a pair of leather pants this year and I've started to wear more of clothes that I think looks good but others might think looks a bit weird. I've felt I've went back to my roots this year but without overdoing it. I'm happy that I've found other things I like in life but it has also been nice to notice there are somethings that doesn't change in me. There's always gonna be a hint of darkness, hint of anger, hint of sadness and hint of metal in me. Always.

Overall this has been a good year. The biggest part of the goodness is because of the guild and the guildies. I've had wonderful trips across Europe and I've met some of those wonderful people in real life. Still have many to meet but they've still been there for me without being physically present. Maybe the year to come will give me opportunities to meet them and maybe even more awesome people. I have felt myself useful when I could've been there for others but I've also feel I've failed couple of times. I will learn from those mistakes and in the years to come try to make up for them. It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.

Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night  bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.

I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.

Only couple of dozen hours left of this year. Oh boy how many dickies I've seen...

Guys, if you didn't last year when the countdown started, this year just kiss the girl. Sha la la la.

(btw. it's 5am so if this post didn't make any sense, it's totally not my fault)

Love is to lay yourself open to loss

We all are scared of something. Some of us are scared of simple things. Common things that are quite easy relate to. Like big dogs, heights, or like I am afraid of the dark. I've been afraid of the dark for as long as I remember. When I was about 10y old we moved to a new house that was at least twice as big as the old one. I had my very own room for the first time in my life. And what a huge room it was! For a bed at first I had a couch that could be opened to a double bed. I kept it in the middle of the room because I was scared of the unknown space around me in the night. That was when I started to learn how to sleep in the dark alone.

When it's dark enough I feel the panic rising inside me. I look around nervously, I can't breath properly because the scary hand of darkness is squeezing my chest and I feel like crying. I'm constantly afraid something or someone will sneak up on me and my imagination starts to run wild. It especially happens if I'm walking alone in the woods or inside a big building alone (good thing I work in a huge museum, that's not scary at all...). Last time my friends did a prank on me was seven or eight years ago when we had been barbecuing in the woods Finn style and I was walking back to urban area with someone. Two guys jumped out from the shadows and scared the living daylights out of me. I started crying. The guys were so dreadfully sorry that I couldn't be mad at them. After that I've told people how easily I get scared and make sure they understand that it's in no way funny how I react.

When I walk home at night in the dark when the streets are empty I take precautions actions. I walk in the middle of the road, I stay in lighted areas if I can, I stop playing music through my ear buds and I keep my phone in my hand. When I dress up for the night out I keep in mind the journey I have to take to get back home too. So no high heels if I don't have another pair of shoes with me. I try not to look back but I can't help it because it wouldn't be the first time I would be followed. Every time I read about "female privilege" I remember the fear I go through for being the gender I am. I'm not saying it has everything to do with what hangs or doesn't hang between my legs or even the most of it, but it does have something to do with that fear.

Not all of us are afraid of the common things or maybe they are afraid of more intangible things.The fear of being alone or maybe it's just the opposite. I knew too many people who are afraid of commitment (most of my ex-boyfriends btw). What ever it is - as they say - we can't let it control our lives. There's three type of people those who are rohkea (brave), those who are uhkarohkea (reckless and rash, dumb brave if you may, literal translation "threat brave") and those who are between them. I'm usually on the sissy side and I blame my imagination for it.

I can imagine how badly everything can turn out and that gives me cold feet. The good part is that because I have such a vivid imagination I can also imagine a good outcome through any kind of trouble. That makes me a bit rash and the only steam to power my bravery. Mostly I chicken out in physical things because I imagine the worst kind of pain to be the outcome, but in relationships I'm more keen to try how things go. "It's always a risk to love", as Peter McWilliams said. "What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does."

I talked with a friend of mine today on the phone for an hour. She moved to the other side of the world couple of years ago and it's always such a pleasure to hear from her. We ended up talking how she knew a woman that was beaten to death just last month (Laajasalon murha) just because the lady went to defend dogs that her murderer was beating. After my friend overseas heard this had happened she saw someone doing something minorly bad and she was about to go intervene when she thought she might get beaten up for that. My other friend who surprisingly ended up in police academy once ran after an armed robber. One of my ex's once went to break up a fight and ended up with a broken bone in his arm, surgery and five screws to keep the bone intact.

In scary situations we all act differently. And our actions depends on our life experience. I think the more experience we have, the more easily we act with bravery. Those who have more certainty of surviving the outcome can act more brave. Then again, if enough bad things happen or so bad things that you're left scarred is a whole other story.

It takes a lot of courage to make changes in your life. Having a horrible or unsatisfying job can feel like a trap, but uncertain future seems more gloomy. A bad relationship may seem to be a better solution than being alone. Sometimes I look around people close to me and I pity them. I hope they would find the courage to change their lives because I know they deserve better. But happiness doesn't usually drop down from sky or knock on your door. You have to work for your happiness and make choices that are scary as fuck. The one thing I've learnt in my years on this earth is that things always end up fine. Better even than they were. I can't walk up to people and tell them they need to make this or this change in their life. I can only support them on their decision and suggest the one I think is a better option.

But I wish I could tell them that there's nothing worse in life than fear. Fear that paralyses won't bring you happiness. There's a risk you will lose everything but there's always a chance that you get what you wanted. You have friends and family you can depend on. If push comes to shove, there's always someones couch you can hog for three months and it might not seem ideal at that time, in the end you're glad you made a brave move. A move for yourself because from time to time it's okay to think of yourself and depend on other people. As so many has depended on you so far.

I used so many of the good quotes I've been stashing that I don't know what am I gonna do when the next time I feel like writing. All the pics without text are pictures I use as wallpapers.

Whoah, this was a heavy topic. Here's the gag relief. It's a "poem" (again) I scribbled in Turkey before I passed out in the 10h bus ride. It's not even a poem, it doesn't even rhyme. But sharing is scaring, so enjoy my horrible penmanship.

You are not like poison
because you are not killing me
You are not an infection
because you are not spreading
Being with you without being yours
is like being rotten to the core

Life is livable but your presence
is an everlasting reminder
of what I could never have

When I look at the barren hills
I miss your snowy mountains
When I bathe in in the sunlight
I miss your sea wind
When I smile to strangers
I miss your hospitality

You are not my everything
But you are everywhere in me
Everywhere with me

I feel whole
With you I feel more
I am more

Against your shoulder I want to lean on
Against your skin I want to rub my nose
Rest my head against your chest
Listen to your heart beat
Eternally against me

The southern lights reminds me of you
but there is no warmth in the sun
I miss the northern darkness
In the shadows I see you
but in the dark winter night
there are no shadows

That's all. Be brave, my darlings!

I like you but I don't love you

Once again I was out of the country. This time I spent a week in Turkey with my close family. As a family we're just as feisty as we are as individuals so travelling with my siblings and my mother was a stressful thought. I guess we've grown a lot because we didn't have a single huge fight - a thing I was expecting to happen.

I think it's because like my flatmate said, we had a common enemy. The trip was poorly organised from the start and the guide/translator weren't very helpful. Yes, the trip was cheap and company was great but so many things we're so badly off that they almost ruined the trip.

It was a hassle from the beginning. The guy who answered the phone when I called to make the reservation didn't quite understand what I was saying. Maybe because I was speaking Finnish and he probably speaks Estonian as native language. When I got the paperwork via e-mail, I had to reply it several times to get them to correct the names. Then they sent the same papers over and over again but nothing really usable. I had to demand to get our travelling documents before they sent them. A thing I think should really be automatically made after the firm got payment. In the airport my family asked me where we should go, but I didn't know much else but that we weren't supposed to need any documents except our passports. Of course I had most of the papers with me because I didn't trust the "only passport" thing one bit. When we found the right gate we actually didn't need anything else but the passport which was a pleasant surprise.

Three and a half hours in the air plane can be tiresome, especially if one doesn't get anything to eat. Or to drink. On the way back they served coffee and tea free of charge, and maybe it would have included in the service on the way there too. But we didn't know about that.

We landed so late that we just went straight to the hotel in the bus that we used the whole trip. The bus was nice and the driver drove safely and he was friendly. The bus didn't have a toilet which was weird because we knew that we'd have to sit in it for ten hours both ways and then some. Luckily they sold unlimited amount of water bottles for 5€. In the hotel we were sent to our rooms and told when the breakfast was. Next day we heard there would've been drinks for us and some snack. Didn't help us much then anymore but even the guide didn't know about that.

Because it was a cheap trip and prepacked, they of course tried to sell extra stuff to us. We bought the package which gave us access to the sights and dinner. The other package would've been second meals and some extra trips. We didn't want that and when we declined buying it, we were told that we made things difficult for the whole group. We didn't. But the whole trip we were made feel like second class customers.

Few of the sights were interesting. We visited open air museums, a city in caves under the ground, bazaars and oh so many rest stops. The restaurants and the sights were full with people from the same kind of trips and the passengers where herded like cattle. The noise even in the hotel restaurants buffets were uncomfortable. We didn't get to see much "authentic" Turkey - though granted that tourism is a huge part of the country. Many of the stops were just like the last one.

Best part of the trip have to be hot air ballooning. It cost extra, but it was worth it. And the whole family went, even our mother who is afraid of heights survived and liked the flight.

When we landed back home I almost cried. Though I was extremely tired from the trip, I also felt relieved to be home. It's nice to go away but more often it's even better to come back home. Like most of the trips before, this time too I felt like I didn't find what I was looking for. Strangely it also made me feel happy because I wasn't travelling as "a sextourist" like my friends playfully call me. This trip made it more clear that I wasn't looking for love on my travels but some kind of peace of mind or home.

Turkey is a lovely country and definitely worth to travel, but I think my two times are enough. Weather this time of the year is ideal for a Northener like me but summers are way too hot. It's dirty there and I never learn how to use those holes in the floor mimicking toilets. The people are friendly and helpful but they also try to force sell everything to you. Probably even their own mother if they could. In an Islamic country I do feel uncomfortable anyway. I would like to obey their cultural rules like in any country I visit, but I can't approve the oppression of one whole gender.

There's so much more I could tell about the trip but sometimes it's best to tell only the essentials.
TL;DR: Don't travel with TSS. It is le shit. Go hot air ballooning. It is le bomb.

Almost forgot to link a song! Here is one oldie but goldie that I played on the trip. If nothing else, the vid is quite amusing:

Turkey, I like you. But I don't love you.

Who's next?

There has been a lot of talk about bullying in the Finnish social media lately. It happens every year around the time schools start. I've read horrible stories this year. Stories that makes me doubt if I would've survived such. The name calling and afflicted physical pain are one thing but the feeling of living in fear... How can someone survive it? And then become a productive member of society.

I don't think I've ever witnessed bullying in the schools I've been. I heard rumours in gymnasium, but I didn't see it myself. I do remember some name calling here and there, and once I remember the one who was being called names having to drag me away from the name caller because I kinda wanted to give a piece of me. A big chunk of me to be exact.

Now. That story makes me sound like one of the good guys. But don't believe it. We all want to look good and make ourselves seen as the heroes, the angels. Nobody wants to be the villain, nobody wants to admit we've made mistakes. I think that might be one root of the problem, it's okay to be the bullied one. It's no longer showing weakness, it's showing courage to be able to announce you survived that. And it's a good thing that way.

But who are the bullies? Where did they come from? In the social conversation there are only victims, no villains. And now I'm starting to sound like I'd been a bully - isn't life funny. Fear not, if you'd know me at all, you'd know I'm too nice and too sweet for that kind of thing. And I'm not stupid. I might be afraid; I'm quite scared of physical pain which makes it damn hard to intervene if I see something that would require someone to be in the between and stop it. The feeling of helplessness is something that carries with me probably all my life.

I do have my Hulk moments too. When I start to get really angry, I can easily get physical too. It's not so easy to make me blindly angry, though I'm grumpy all the times. (Especially in the mornings.) So I'm not a bully, never been a bully. I never been bullied either. I have some scars of being called fat and the table breaking under me when I was sitting on it. People teasing that I don't sing the right notes. Tickling in the hallway so much that it's just not funny anymore. But kids are kids, it's impossible to stop all of those things. I don't even want to know what would happen to those kids anyway. We want to protect the next generation, but they still need valuable experiences to learn.

I think the line is crossed when the teased starts to be afraid. Afraid of going to school. Being afraid of losing lunch money, a backpack, new shoes. Thinking there's nothing but pain. Thinking nobody cares. That's the point it shouldn't reach.

What no one is pointing out is that not getting involved can leave scars too. Once in the subway (or metro as we call it here) there were two girls who were mean to another girl. Luckily there was a man who intervened and made the two girls stop. The girls seemed familiar, I used to hang out with people like that. What I still regret after these years is that the two girls and the one girl who was clearly afraid left the subway on the same stop. I should've left too and go check if everything was okay. I still wonder what happened and how that one girl managed. Did she make it home?

My boyfriend from time when I was just becoming an adult, broke a bone in his hand intervening a fight where five men where kicking one guy who was already down on the street. I don't think this bf of mine ever regretted it, no matter how much pain he was in. He has as many screws in his hand now as there were men beating him and his friends, to remind him of that night. He did the right thing and he should be proud of it.

We are scared for ourselves and scared to make things worse by intervening. But we all know it's not going to get better if we don't do anything. We should find out what makes some people bully. We should teach our kids to be tougher so they wont get bullied and we should stand up for those who are not in a position to do it for themselves. Because two beavers are always better than one.

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone or diminish anyone's pain. I had more to say about the matter but because I'm so damn busy lately I have to run to work now. Have a great day!

Curriculum vitae

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how would it look if it was written down as a CV, what would be the most significant points that has made me who I am. I don't think I would write down the things someone else would write about my life. I survived a lot of things but I don't think they have made me who I am: not the things. It just shows I can survive. It's the inner struggle that has made me who I am today and what I will be tomorrow.

And I've struggled a lot. First I thought, as a teenager, that I have to change myself to be liked and I thought being liked would make me happy. And I did, oh boy, did I try to change myself. I toned down my talk, my emotes and actions and even my inner self to be liked. I struggled so hard to be me without being me, and at some point I noticed it had worked. I wasn't myself anymore. But the problem was I didn't like myself anymore. And I like me more, not the made up me.

So I started to struggle myself back. That's still in process because a decade of being someone one is not, takes a toll.

The relationships I've had has taught me a great deal. They have helped me to find myself even though they haven't always been dancing in the rose gardens. I think I once loved a boy, but it got too serious too fast, so I got scared and ran away. One boy loved beer more than me, so I ran. One boy didn't know what love even was, so I ran yet again. And many boys didn't know if they even liked me, so I ran after them. I have been ashamed of the people I've dated and tried to get rid of them for that. Some have been too young, some too old, some too clumsy, some too weird, and the list goes on. Not that I've dated so many people, but one imperfect relationship can include lots of imperfect things.

I've survived weird relationship with my parents. I don't even know where the other one lives and the other one I can talk with about anything. Yes, I mean anything.

I've survived the moments when I've looked at the person I love wasting life looking at the bottom of a bottle. I've seen people burying themselves with grief. I've seen people who think they are not good enough when they are. I've seen people lie so much, that I've hated them - and then pitied them.

I've done things that are considered to be a tabu. Some things I regret and have to carry with me to the grave. Some I don't. But about all I'm willing to talk about because I don't think hiding things help with anything. Honest to the bone. With my words I hope I can help someone else who is going through similar struggle.

I've survived work and school and learnt hard lessons. I've survived my teenage years, I survived growing up and I'm still surviving growing old. I've survived pain and suffering, being hungry and being without a home. I've survived disappointments, letdowns and heartache. I've survived someones love without being able to love them back.

I've survived being lost, being lonely, being helpless and having feelings. I've felt sad, mad, I've felt misery, sorrow and utter confusion.

I've survived sleep-deprivation, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, the feeling of not being able to do something because my body just don't work properly.

I've survived a lot of things. I've struggled a lot.

But how much have I actually lived?

How many times something has stopped me for enjoying life, enjoying myself?

I've had moments when I've thought it's not okay to enjoy. That it's not okay to like, love, take fully what comes.

I've had moments when I thought I can't do something because I'm supposed to do something else. That I'm obligated to attend class, work, meetings, even see friends and family when I really wanted to do something else. Something for myself.

I've had moments I've laid on a bed next to a wonderful guy thinking that I can't enjoy myself, that I should be ashamed. Ashamed of what I'm doing, ashamed of my imperfect body, ashamed of the feelings I have.

I've had moments that I've been too scared, too afraid. I've thought others would judge if I like something, I've thought it's silly and stupid. So many times I've thought something is not worth the risk and so many times regret afterwards I've not done something.

I've had moments I've thought I hadn't deserved the happiness. That I shouldn't enjoy because I'm not worth it.

But I am. Everything I can give to myself I should. Every risk that doesn't involve getting myself killed is worth it. I am allowed to be a little crazy, to be a little different. The sun does shine just for me (and for you, and you, and you).

The moon casts its pale light for me and it's not too cold to go skinny-dipping.

Take life as it comes. You must survive the hardships because it makes your CV look better. But don't forget to include some happiness to the hobbies-section. In the CV of life, it doesn't matter how others see it. The only thing that matters is that you like the things you've filled it out with.

Sounds of music

There's a reason why I listen to lyrics and I'll list them here for you. Many of these songs have been so important that I don't think I would've survived some points in my life without them.

"Good things might come to those who wait
Not to those who wait too late"
(Bill Withers - Just the two of us)

"You saved the best for last and now it's too late"
(Sonata Arctica - Good enough is good enough)

"The carousel is spinning fast
better enjoy while it lasts
Every moment is like gold
youll remember when youre old
And the meaning of this life
is to live and is to die
Make the best out of your dreams
they're the world where you are free
All the sorrow and the pain
will be washed away by rain
An eternal joy will come
it can be found by everyone
Though the end is drawing near
Im not feeling any fear
I have found the truth inside
after all the tears I've cried"
(Stratovarius - Season of change)

"Fly without sorrow
In my dreams we meet again
For you I live, I would die for you
You'll stay deep inside in my heart"
(Entwine - Closer my love)

"So when the hell will I know.
How much further do I have to go?
And how much longer 'til I finally know?
'Cause I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me."
(Hoobastank - Crawling in the dark)

"I have carried this burden so long for you
that nothing but sorrow I feel
I have let myself believe
that nothing would hurt deeper than the truth"
(Ensiferum - Eternal Wait)

"I'm sick and tired of bein' sick and tired"
(Ozzy Osbourne - I just want you)

"Time after time
I am wasting my time
Living in a past where I was strong
But now I am gone
I leave no shadow when I'm alone
I'll stay forever in my dreams where you are near"
(Pain of Salvation - Second love)

"I am the Playwrite and you are my Crown, 
make me cry for your love, like you´ve done many times, 
so I know I can´t write these storylines without you, Lady pain, 
make me strong, can´t we be together without them forever..."
(Sonata Arctica - The Misery)

"Is is too late to go in peace, I wonder how
how these things did start anyway
Maybe too late to find a way, when the
trail of grief is marked with memories"
(Hammerfall - I believe)

"Can you give as much as you can take?
Can you love as much as you can hate?"
(Samael - Together)

"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn"
(Florence + The Machine - Shake it out)

"You've got one night only, one night only, that's all you have to spare
One night only, let's not pretend to care
One night only, one night only, come on big baby come on
One night only, we only have 'til dawn

In the mornin' this feelin' will be gone
It has no chance goin' on
Something so right has got no chance to live
So let's forget about chances, its one night I will give

One night only, one night only, you'll be the only one
One night only, turn your arms around,
One night only, one night only, there's nothin' more to say
One night only, words get in the way
One night only, one night only, one night only"
(Dreamgirls soundtrack - One night only)

"What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?"
(Metallica - Unforgiven II)

"And if you will, I will
Try to let it go.
And if you try, I'll try
Try to let it show us the way
'Cause love is here to stay
Just look me in the eye
This is do or die
And I will stay in love
'Till you say enough
There is no giving in
There is no giving up in love."
(Jewel - Again and again)

"You tried to hide yourself in a shell
You wanted heaven but you got hell
And then the darkness gained control over you
When everything turned into bitter blue
You went into the land of no return"
(Bad boys blue - Baby blue)


And I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.
You've got wits... you've got looks,
You've got passion but are you brave enough 
to leave with me tonight?
(Dashboard Confessional - As lovers go)

"Baby, do you understand me now
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive
Can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood"
(The Animals - Misunderstood)

"But I crash in my mind
Whenever you are near
Getting deaf, dumb and blind
Just drowning in despair
I am lost in your flame
It's burning like the sun
And I call out your name
Whenever you are gone

Tomorrow
I'm telling all tomorrow
Or the day after tomorrow
I'm sure I'll tell you then"
(Saybia - The day after tomorrow)

"Sing what you can't say
Forget what you can't play
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes
Walk within my poetry, this dying music
- My loveletter to nobody

Never sigh for better world
It's already composed, played and told
Every thought the music I write
Everything a wish for the night"
(Nightwish - Dead boys poem)

But not just in English:

"Donnez-moi une suite au Ritz, je n'en veux pas
Des bijoux de chez Chanel, je n'en veux pas
Donnez-moi une limousine, j'en ferais quoi?

Offrez-moi du personnel, j'en ferais quoi?
Un manoir a Neufchatel, ce n'est pas pour moi
Offrez-moi la tour Eiffel, j'en ferais quoi?

Je veux d'l'amour, d'la joie, de la bonne humeur
C'n'est pas votre argent qui f'ra mon bonheur
Moi, j'veux crever la main sur le coeur"
(Zaz - Je veux)

"Ich hab' viel zu lang geblutet.
Schwer beladen mit der Schuld.
Weil Schlafen leichter ist als Kämpfen,
Hab' ich mich selbst eingelullt."
(Asp - Kokon)

"Uusi sukupolvi kuolemasta krapulainen 
Katsoo miestä, naista, lasta, likaista 
Tuokaa ruokaa ilman suuta kansa huutaa 
Ja vaihtaa aterian aseisiin ja materiaan" 
(Turmion Kätilöt - Liitto)

But not all are deep and meaningful:

"Cause it's the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
So bring your favorite lady
Or at least your favorite lay
Water's not cold baby dip in your big toe
Maybe I'll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside"
(Jonathan Coulton - First of May)

"Push me
And then just touch me
Till I can get my
Satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction

Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push,
Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push
Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push,
Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push"
(Benny Benassi - Satisfaction)

Yea, don't listen to lyrics every time...

If you have lyrics in mind that are meaningful to you, please don't be shy to share them. I would love to read them and maybe even listen to those songs. In this blog you can post anonymously if you wish. Sharing is caring!

A little name calling

I've been called many names in my life, some good, same bad. The most scarring were "fat" and "cow". Those can do a lot of damage to a fragile young heart. Good thing the people around me has grown and the name calling has taken more humorous aspect. Most memorable names have been for example "cradle robber". That was because I hit it off with a guy few years younger than me. They thought the whole thing was hilarious, but all I have to say about that part of my life is mostly this song:

It was short, it was sweet, we tried. Would've been nice if it had worked out, but it didn't. No outsider can understand what happens between two people but many think they can judge it anyways. But I'm getting sidetracked here...

Another funny name has been "sextourist". I've been called that because I have had sex in many countries, mostly with my travelling companion but I have to admit it involves some locals too. (I find it odd that I've been to the most romantic capital city in Europe, Paris, but haven't had sex there.) Yesterday my friend said I have sextourettes. And it might be true. I've always been open to talk about sensitive subjects and maybe I'm a little bit too-much-information kinda gal. I do however try to be discreet about my partners and give credit where the credit is due. And I never show dick-pics I've received to anyone else. That's just common courtesy.

We also agreed that there should be fuck protective law (in Finnish: panosuojalaki, thank you Crysaniah for this wonderful word). We pondered that seven days is a good amount of time to exercise fuck protective law, which means that after a week you should know if you want more with your partner than just the one time fling. After that you automatically give away all your rights to claim the other person. If you don't know after a week are you or are you not interested in the other person, you are not allowed to leave things hanging between the two of you. This law protects both parties from unnecessarily garbled relationship.

Lately I've had the opportunity to listen to radio and I've noticed I kinda like the pop music they play these days. Maybe I've not reached saturation point because I hear them so rarely and that's why I find myself liking them. This song I like because of the lyrics. What has happened to the good old calling someone smoking hot? Lately my ass has got few compliments. I never really cared for my butt but it seems there are several guys in this world who does. And I take their word for it.

What has happened to the good old sexual humour? Is everything these days disrespectful? And I'm not talking about grabbing some random asses, but about the good old name calling. Am I just weird for thinking it's flattering if someone tells me they think of me when they... umm... daydream? :)

Stalking is not okay. Sexual harassment is not okay. Calling someone hurtful names is not okay. Groping someone who doesn't want to be groped is not okay. But calling someone "a sugarcupmarshmellowrainbowpudding with a smoking hot ass that would make my day to pound" is totally fine by me. It's romantic!

Once I had a heart

(I actually wrote this a while back, but because I didn't want to cause any trouble I'm posting this now. Excuse my emo-ness, I was pretty upset then.) 

Human heart is, metaphorically speaking, a marvellous thing. One person, one heart, can suffer quite a lot in one lifetime. We feel abandonment, we suffer in love, we lose in games of life, we're buried in the loss and mourning for others.

But how much pain is too much? When does that point come up when we can't take anymore? What happens if we just can't get out of the darkness? What happens when we lose all hope? How much actual sorrow can we bare?

I'm not talking about long term depression here. I'm talking about sudden incidents in life. The ones we can't change or effect in any way. Even though we wish we could and we're left feeling that we should have done something.

How many wars can one person go through? How many loved ones can one person lose? How many times can one be betrayed or cheated? How many times can one be faced with bad news before the soul just shatters into pieces that can't be glued together again? What do you do when you can't sleep at night because you don't want to wake up for another day with that much sadness in your heart?

Today I saw that feeling in my friends eyes. And there was nothing I could have said or do to make it better. She's been through so much already and it just breaks my heart to see her suffer. I know she will get through this eventually because she is strong. In the time being I can just stand there helplessly and hope my hugs are warm enough.

Sweet dreams

I'm what they call here in Finland a "chill cat". That means I get cold easily and I usually wear gazillion items of clothing on, especially in winter. I always go to bed with socks on but I usually wake up without them. Only when I sleep I feel warm enough and I've been called a radiator by those people who I've let under the same blanket. But that happens very rarely because sleeping is very important to me and I don't like to share it with anyone. I need to roll and twist and turn and kick off my socks in peace. If I was a sitcom character in one certain show I would go LUCI DOESN'T SHARE SLEEP!

This morning I woke up with one sock on and another missing. Now I know how alcoholics feels. I apparently had a great night in my sleep twisting and rolling so much (or nightmares) but by waking up, I couldn't remember anything anymore.

Lately I haven't slept very well. I could blame my expired game time, but I think I'm stressing about school more. I can't seem to correct my sleeping pattern either: I was up until five AM last night. Or well, this morning. And when I sleep, I dream.

I think it has something to do with the stages of sleep. Apparently I don't sleep that deeply, I don't fall into the relaxing dreamless deep sleep and just hang around in the light stage of sleep with all these dreams.

I very rarely see horror-movie-nightmares. Not so long ago I did have a scary dream about zombies, but mostly I see psychological nightmares. Ones that I am in danger, but not immediate danger. Just that I know it's coming and it can go on and on. Or I see people and places I haven't seen in a long time. Many times in my dreams I go back to where I grew up. The places and the people might look different from what they are but I can still recognise them.

Best example of a nightmare of mine is a dream I can still remember very vividly. I was about 9 or 10 years old. In my dream me and my father were sitting in the family car. I knew something was off because I was sitting in the front. My mother was inside the house which was my grandmothers place. My father got more restless as the time went by and then he decided to just leave without my mother. We drove off and saw lots of people in a yard of some apartment buildings. We stopped to ask what was all that gathering for and they told us there was a house on fire not far off. And the house was my grandmothers house where we had left my mother.

I don't fly in my sleeps, I don't have troubles running or anything like that. But still I've once woken up from a nightmare by sitting up and gasping for air. In one dream I knew I had to shout for help because I was being carried out of the house by a kidnapper and everything went into slow motion. My jar felt like modelling clay or jam. It was so hard and I really had to fight to scream, and when I did I, woke up my boyfriend at the time. I didn't yell out loud, but you can imagine what kind of noise a person makes who tries to yell without being able to open his/her mouth. ( I really hate all that he/she stuff. Couldn't you englishspeakers just choose one word and we can all be equal!)

Anything can turn into a nightmare in my head. I don't watch horror movies because that's a guaranteed nightmare. It's amazing how ones subconsciousness can remember stuff that the person doesn't. Like a picture you've seen somewhere, a word you've heard, a feeling that has passed by as fast as it came, all that can find their way into the dreamworld. They say we need sleep for letting our subconsciousness figure out stuff we can't figure out when we're awake.

But what if you have a dream about the same thing for nights and nights again? What does that mean? Does it mean if you die now, you'll be left on the planet to do some vicious haunting because there's something unsolved in your mind? Is our subconsciousness more witty than us in solving problems in our life? Or do we just find a compromise in our dreams and slowly let go of the thing that was bothering us?

Yo mama!

Again I'm scheming on a little longer post to force on you later but until that is done, you can entertain yourself with some of the trade chats finest. I just found these from my secret logs and thought you might like them:

"Yo mama is so fat chainlighting hits her three times."

"Yo mama is so fat that when I tried to target her the game said "you can only have one target"."

"Yo mama is so fat that when she sits around the house she sits around the house" 

"Yo mama is so fat earth shield wore off before it had a single orbit."

"Yo mama is so fat she gets World Explorer when she logs in." 

 "Roses are red, violets are blue. This joke is so over used and your mom is too."

Another good memory was when my gametime expired in the middle of a random dungeon and it was like a miracle that when I had fumbled myself more time, they hadn't kicked me out yet!

My gametime is expiring in a couple of days again and I thought about taking a little break. I will do so because I want to get some schoolwork done, but reading my old secret logs it states that I can't get any work done without WoW. It's because I end up playing other games that actually requires concentration and it makes me little worried. We'll see how it goes.