The big blue

Huolon.

This is my ode to you:

My darling Huolon

For long I camped you

For hours I waited overdue

For days, for weeks

So much time I spent on you

Endless grinding

Endless waiting

Endless "Huo is up"

So many times you spawned

Right when I was in the kitchen or the toilet

Right when the wait was spoiled

Right before I logged in

Huolon you bastard

Waiting for you gave me patience

Waiting for you, I made conversations

Waiting for you "You'll get it next time

I'm sure"

This time I got you, you big beautiful blue

This time right where I wanted you

This time you and I

With one single moonfire

You went down before my main char

You went down like the little bitch you are

You went down tail between your legs
After you've dropped only worthless eggs
Finally I can do something else or go to bed

A shout that will fill every guildies head:

I got the mount!

I got the mount!

I got the mount!

Let's fly together, let me hop on

I love you, my darling Huolon

Okay, fine. You might be black. But hey, I'm not one to judge!

The things we say for love

I've been single for eight months now and I've spent way too much time in dating sites. I thought I'd share some of the best and worst experiences I've had with you, dear reader. By best I mean the most hilarious and by the worst I just mean the worst.

I've been on two sites, one Finnish and one global. Both of them are free to use, I never paid any extra for more features. I'm not that into dating. Overall I think dating isn't something for a Finn anyway. My friend told me about this app that you can use to find single people close to you when you're on the move, rate them and if they like you back, chat with them and meet up with them. Finns are not exactly famous about casual dating, going out with someone usually requires more than just a hi and a smile. Some guys in the internet dating world gets that and aren't pushing to meet right away, or if they are, they do it nicely. There's a fine line between cute and creepy.

I think guys have a lot of pressure to stand out in dating sites. For a girl it's pretty much enough that you're a girl. I think the key is to be friendly, interested in the other person and not jump into conclusions of the other person.

One of the funniest one was one guy who offered to be my dog. I didn't answer it. I've also been offered sex quite many times but for some reason they never seem to be appealing to me... go figure.

One guy told me that he thinks - in based on my profile - I'm depressed. Umm... how is that going to get you in my pants or in my heart?

One guy that I actually went out with was talking about kids on third date and then flipped out and deleted me from his friends in FB. It was an utter mess and makes me quite hesitant to meet anyone anymore. Only shows why dating isn't for Finns: you can't get to know the other person if the premises are for something more serious. Seriously. We hadn't even kissed. Dude, relax.

One guy asked me to chat with him because he was bored and ended up flipping too because I answered shortly to one of his message. I don't have time for people getting all crazy over nothing so I usually just stop answering to those kind of people. I guess the problem is that I'm nowhere near desperate enough for dating sites. I hope I never will.

I also found out that most of Finnish guys are so utterly boring that I feel like throwing up when I read their profiles or messages. One guy asked if would be interested in joining him watching the news. Yea, because that's what I'm looking for in a dating site. Someone to watch the news with. Oh god.

One guy asked me to go out for a cup of coffee. Nothing else but straight into business. I politely turned him down but then received more messages for explaining myself why not. I don't care to argue people with that kind of stuff. If I say no, it is a no. Why is that so hard to accept?

I'm sure not all the girls are like me, but I dislike people who don't take the time to write their messages or profiles. Is it so hard to use capital letters when beginning a sentence? It's not like my English is even close to fluent, but at least I try. It does show if one tries. One guy sent me messages that were couple of words long. When I asked him to elaborate, he said I was cold. hahahaha,,,wtf m8 fite m irl!!!1

One guy wrote me a poem. It was about a "bunch of flowers" that sweat. My poets heart died a little with that one.

A good first message is bright and happy. It's humorous and shows that you've read even something about the others profile. It's not generic, it's personal - like you want to be with that other person. If you start with generic, you'll end up being generic.

But I guess there are matches for "kinky mathematicians" too. Or hairless dogs.

And peeps. You might want to add a picture that actually makes you appealing to others. Don't choose the one your buttons are about to burst on your shirt or where you  are sitting with bunch of people so no one knows which one you are. But don't lose the hat. I like hats.

A boy who wanted to be a real puppet

What I have been wondering lately is that can a boy ever grow up if no-one helps him to become a man?

Pervertness is in the ears of the beholder, I keep saying, so you might want to read the first sentence again with that in mind. And don't take this post too seriously either.

Because I play, I have a lot of geek-friends. For some it's true (not all) that they are not very active in the sexual field except that they are married to their right hand. I know guys who are close to my age and have never had a sexual relationship with the opposite sex (excuse my heteronormativity). People usually tend to think it's because they are too shy to make contact and in many cases that's probably true. But I think in some cases it's the "meh" effect. The guy standing there, looking at a pretty girl and wondering should he make a move, in the end comes to the conclusion "meh, why bother?".

He probably already knows a lot of cool girls via internet he can be flirting with and getting the feeling of couple or community. He spends his time in the wild wild world of internet that is full of pornography that can satisfy every guys aesthetic needs. Why would he approach the girl in RL when there's a possibility to get turned down, that the girl doesn't share any of the interests he has, that they don't even speak the same language ("I tried to talk to him the language of love but all he knew was C++")? What does he get out of an IRL relationship but trouble?

I'm not saying my guy-friends doesn't want it. Because they do. Oh boy do they...

But I think that when the moment is at hand they lose the inner struggle of their confidence to laziness. And deep down I think they all know that if they just made enough effort, they could get some...one. But there's just too much hassle. The change it would bring in life, not that they think it would be bad necessarily but why shake something that's already stable? Being alone doesn't make them happy, but it's much easier because the girls that attracts them have always been like a different specie.

How do I fit into this puzzle then? Either I'm old enough to be considered a motherlike figure to my geeky friends and I care for them like a good motherbear should. If I'm in a relationship, like I was my best geek-dating years, I was just the sister that can be teased but doesn't really know anything about nothing. I have no idea what I am now, but let's just say that there are not that much single nerdy girls this age (or any age).

I'm single because I'm looking for something perfect.
And you know... meh.

Going back to my first topic: Does sex really change that much? Can you ever shake the childishness in you if you don't get laid? Have we put so much weight in penetration that one can't even make himself feel like a man if he is still a virgin?

And the main question is: how much of a cougar and a cheap whore would I feel like if I'd test this theory in the name of science without any intentions of having any deeper feelings whatsoever towards that poor unfortunate soul?

It's bitter, but the fruit is sweet

I wish you would play that song while you read this.

Couple nights ago I got the worst panic attack I've ever had - and I haven't had one in years. I used to get them for going to crowded places alone but it got fixed by itself by listening to music and concentrating to it. Nowadays I also have a friend over the seas who I shamelessly call on Skype if I have to go to the stores alone. I never told him though why because he always seems to be happy talking with me even if there's loud background noises. But it makes me more peaceful.

This time my the attack was because I felt the pressure of other peoples problems. Good thing is that it proves I'm a good listener and people want to tell me about their problems. Bad thing is that there's nothing I can do to help them, and every time I face that feeling, I die a little inside. But that just means I care.

I'm happy to have friends I can call to when I need a shoulder to hold on to. I want to be there for others like some are for me. So if you have my number, I don't care what time of day or night it is, I don't care how grumpy I get for waking up, I don't care how important whatever it is that I'm doing, just call me if you need to talk to someone. I don't care if it drags me to the darkness too, we just push ourselves up from there together. And if for some reason I can't answer right away, you are still priority to me.

Many of my young friends keeps telling me how bad their life is and when I try to tell them that tomorrow is a better day, they don't believe me. From my life experience the horrible moments in life will pass at some point. One just has to be patient and believe. Have hope, I tell them. I think deep inside they do have some hope left, because the old saying is true: If you don't have hope, you have nothing.

So patience, my little sister. Patience, my little brother. Let us walk together for a brighter day. But it's going to take some time.

If you just wait long enough, you'll get there. You'll find something you love, something to live for. You'll enjoy sunshine and the birds singing one day. You'll find your place in the world. You just need to learn to love yourself. Just the way you are. Believe in yourself, because you are a good person. And the most of all, you are a normal person. Don't give up. There will come a day to drive the night away.

You are smart, you are kind, you are funny, you are beautiful and you are worth it. Trust me on this one.

And you're not alone in this world.

You are not alone.