1. I started dating again.
2. It has brought all kinds of problems.
3. I've been awfully busy.
4. I have DADDY ISSUES written on my forehead.
5. I'm in the process of going through professional mental health evaluation to see if I'm crazy enough to need treatment. Because hey, let's face it. We're all mad here.
The more time passes, the less I believe. I don't necessarily lose hope, but I just don't believe. Not in fairy tales, not in toughing it through everyday life. I just don't believe I could find someone who is not too perfect but perfect enough. And I'm glad of that. Believing in a world that does not exist is exhausting and doing so one can lose contact to reality. So finally, after over thirty years, I have finally managed to bring my feet to the ground. There are still small clouds going by my head, but everything takes time.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in few days and I've been thinking about what to tell her. She's been asking what it is that in the relationship with my father affects negatively in my life and other relationships. I didn't have an answer for her earlier, but because it's been weeks since we last met, I've had plenty of time to think. Think, think, think - that is my curse.
This has to do with dating. Again.
So I met a man. Yes, yes, yes, I've said that before. No, he is not too good to be true. No, he is not the prince charming, he doesn't have a white horse, he is not mysterious and magical. He is pretty straightforward, honest it seems, and real. I wouldn't say this seems too good to be true, because there is a possibility he is going to murder his neighbours dog and feed it to me as a stew. Or worse, make stew out of me. It's too early to say if we're at all compatible.
Physically we're not an ideal match. It doesn't feel like we've been kissing each other our whole lives. He is so much taller than I am that my calves aches after we've met because I have to reach for him. We can't be with each other every bit effortlessly, no, we have to talk about things and practise how to be with each other. And that's a good thing, I think. Because if we can solve little problems from the beginning, we can tackle bigger issues later on.
If there is a "later on".
I'm trying to not get my hopes up. I've been down that road before too many times. In the end of that road is only shrugs, some "meh"s and shadows. All of those experiences I carry with me now and they make it harder and harder to believe. Though we all have baggage we bring in to new relationships. Whether it is a romantic relationship or any other kind. It is easier to notice them when it's a romantic one though. There are things we're just not able to let go. But they do say we're looking for someone whose demons plays well with ours. So maybe there's hope for the damaged good that we all become at some point in life.
I hate what the thinking does to me. With every man I meet, I wonder if he is like my father. Am I going to make the same mistakes as my mother did? Has their relationship thought me to stay clear from all that poison, or am I to become one of my parents? And when it comes to relationships, I don't know which is worse: being a dick like my father or being heartbroken and abandoned like my mother. How do I recognise those things about myself? How can I prevent myself making the same mistakes over and over again, generations after generations? How can I make sure I don't bring the poison with me and drink it myself? But most of all, how can I make sure it's not in my veins and spreading around me like venom with every kiss? How can I protect not only myself but the other one too?
In relationships I bring both the curses and the blessings. I have been mistreated and because of that - and basically my whole history - it is very hard to trust anyone is actually serious with me. I also have had a good, profound, long and meaningful relationship, which means I compare a lot the old and the new one. But our baggage can just as easily be that we don't have experience. Either way, what ever the past we bring with us is, it doesn't make things easier. But we should keep in mind that that is what makes us us, and we should be grateful nonetheless. Constantly looking back doesn't make the future any brighter - there is no future in the past.
But wut is luv? I still don't know what love is. Sometimes I wonder if the cage I keep my heart in is the reason I don't know what it is. And maybe it's not about the other person. Maybe no one is supposed to teach love. Maybe you are supposed to learn how to love on your own. Maybe you're supposed to figure out what love is by laying yourself open to loss. Is love something that burns you, high voltage through your veins, heart beating so hard that it breaks your ribs? Is love something sudden, like a walk on a field and falling in an underground cave? Is it something unexpected, like a lightning strike?
I've had that, all of that, all at once. And it didn't feel like love and the only marks it left on me were scars. I think the closest I've gotten to love was when I was with someone and by the long time spend together, we almost melt into one. But there's a danger of losing yourself in the process and in the end it was only temporary. I would like something like that but so that it would last "until death do us part".
I want someone I can be myself with, someone cozy but exciting at the same time. Someone similar, but different enough. Someone to build pillow fortresses with. Someone to introduce to my friends and family. Someone who I'm sure of and with whom I'm sure of myself too. I don't want that person to be the adventure, I want him to be the one I can go on adventures with. I want someone I can tackle problems with, not create them. I want someone who can stand on their own two feet, someone who doesn't need me but wants me because they think I'm just absolutely lovely. And I want to think the same of them.
I wish this time I've found it. But if the past has thought me anything, it's more likely that it isn't. Though the chances are 50-50. Either it is, or it isn't.
Okay world, I'm ready. Bring it on. Towards new disappointments!
