Love, lust, desire

There's a lot of talk about harassment in Facebook. Unfortunately the conversation that inspired me to write this post today is in Finnish. Let me sum it up for you English speakers. The points made were:

- Every woman has been harassed at some point of their life.
I have couple of those stories but I think the worst was when I didn't greet this one guy I passed on the street. It was a national holiday and he wanted me to wish him happy whatever back. When I didn't, he started to follow me and it ended in me slamming the front door of the apartment building I used to live in shut right in front of him. I think it's the feeling of helplessness that makes it worst. All I could do was run, if he'd catch me, there wouldn't be a thing I could've done to prevent him to hurt me - or worse.

- Sex is everywhere and yet it's considered to be something nasty, dirty and meant behind the closed curtains.
A lot could be done if people were more open about it and talk more about sex and sexuality.

- Loving yourself will help you to love others.
If you respect yourself, it's easier to respect others too. When we try to look for some kind of salvation from outside ourselves, we'll never be satisfied.

- When we mix love with need, we're in trouble. One guy in FB is quoting Jen Erasmith saying that we consider the message "I need you" as a romantic note.
Instead we should be saying "I love you. I don't need you, but I love you." and not confuse needing something sexual with loving someone. I know few young lads who think they love me when they clearly just need me. I don't mind being needed, it gives me the a sense of having a purpose in this world. But I am somewhat offended when they say they love me in a romantic way, because to me the need of me is so clear and the romantic love is nowhere to be seen.

- The original author which sparked the conversation claims that every woman wants to be taken with force. She says that this is a fantasy we replicate by leaving with a strange man knowing he could do anything he wanted to us.
I think this is rather dangerous claim. I'm not saying it's far fetched, because of course it's intriguing to think that someone finds you so desirable they just can't help what they do. But the danger lies in claiming this to be true for every woman. It gives the assaulter a reason, "she wanted this". Still, I agree that in the end we all want to be hit in the head with a club and be dragged to the cave. But I think this goes to men and women both. We all want to be wanted, needed, desired and loved. It's not really a surprise - and I'm fairly certain shouting that every women wants to be taken forcefully is not going to help the situation.

What caused this conversation was this clip:

The next clip YouTube suggested me was this:

At the very end of the last clip you can see quite genuine look of frustration in his face. The one I think most of us women know all too well. The look of "gtf out of my face".

Three clips, first explains the problem, second brings it to everyday life and third one seeks out the instant solution. I like the "What would you do?" -videos because they restore some of my faith in humanity.

I always say that we here in Finland are more okay with nudity because of sauna, but I think we don't know how to handle provocative clothes. If a woman walked on the street without any clothes, she'd possibly be left alone more than a woman with a shortshortskirt and an itsybitsytop. I used to think we Finns are like dwarfs: you are not suppose to tell apart the women and men, we all look the same. The problem arises, not when we take our clothes off, but when we point out the differences in genders. Hard labour and tough surroundings are what makes us Finns, there's no time for that sissy-beautystuff.

If you point out that you're a sexual person with your clothes, your style, your words, your butt or your boobs, you become some kind of a target. You loose part of your own... humanity when you become a sexual being. A sexual being doesn't have the same rights as a human being. You become the reminder that we're all sexual beings.

You know the feeling when you do something stupid in the heat of the moment? Ever had sex without protection? Ever sent a cleavage pic or or a dicture to some pretty random person? Ever left the bar to have a one-nightstand? Have you ever let things go a bit too far just because you wanted... it. Not him or her. Not anything specific. Just overwhelmed with lust or desire or whatever you want to call it and that has clouded your judgement.

I don't know if suppressed sexual desires provokes men to whistle at women on the streets but I do agree that talking about sex and sexuality openly is a good thing. It can't do harm to know there are other perspectives and it's not like you can really know too much about sex. It's not just about sex we should talk about openly: It's also about menstruation, bowl movement, even sweating and anything that is perfectly normal, happens to everyone and is so connected to your body functions that you can't separate it from your mind.

I think part of the problem is that we try to separate things that are bound together. Sex is not only part of your body, it's part of your mind too. I think the issue when harassment happens, is that we forget that the body is not just connected to the mind but a part of it and vice versa. I don't agree that people who harass sees their targets as just objects, they do know they are humans. They just forget that body and mind are not separated. And I think we all should know this when starting anything sexual with anyone: you might not hurt the body, but you can do severe damage to the mind. What you do can be creepy if the other person doesn't respond with the same feelings.

Better to whisk than wither

My subconscious project for the past year has been trying to figure out what goes on in the minds of the opposite sex (in the most heteronormative way of course). I've started to pay different kind of attention to how women look like. What I've noticed by trying to look the world through masculine eyes, is that it's not about the whole. A woman with a little extra weight can be interesting if her boobs juggle nicely. Or a weirdly dressed woman can be a sight for sore eyes by having a great butt in those crazy pants.

I don't know if I'm at all close to the truth here, but I've noticed lot of beauty and smexy people around me by focusing on the details. I think women look for the whole package. The eyes, the hair, the clothes, the smile has to go well together but they don't all need to be prefect. But I think a guy can find a woman interesting just because of one detail.

I've also pondered the way we are and act, and why is it so different. Or is it really different? I think I should take more manly look on life and relationships. Pursue more, wait around doing nothing less. I think it's time to shake the stuck up gender roles out of my life and stop waiting for a prince charming to whisk me away. If I want whisking in my life, I should do it myself.

My motivational words of the day are:
- start looking for the beauty around you and realise you have it in you too.
- stop waiting around for something to happen and go enjoy the things you like.
- don't take any bs. You know who you are if you've done enough soul searching, why would you let someone else define you.
- if you can't stop being so afraid, still start taking chances. Just suck it up and jump to the wavy ocean of life and feelings.
- nobody cares what you do. At least not more than you do. So do stuff for yourself and not anyone else.
- you can combine touching and talking in the way that there are no misunderstanding. You don't have to be a heart breaker or in love to give someone you care a hug. There's nothing sexual in walking hand in hand.
- mean the things you say but don't swallow all the things you mean. "I love you" is a powerful sentence but you can't break the meaning by saying it often. Only actions against it will do damage to it.
- people hate doormats more than those who claim their own space and rights. Don't you dare waste time on shitheads who will play you just because they can.

I can't remember who wrote it or where I've seen it or what the original language even is, or the exact words, but this has had some kind of impact in my life:

Alter yourself. Change colour. Buy a golden car to replace your yellow bike. Change all you want, it's nobodies business. Change, but don't stay still. Move, so you won't be mummified.

Or something like that.

Taking a more manly attitude towards life doesn't mean to become a superman. It doesn't mean loosing your femininity. We all know guys are just as much of bunch of sissy girls as the ones with a vagina between their legs. What I mean is that it's okay to look at life differently. It's nice to see that there's more than just what you've always seen. I guarantee you'll be happier when you start pausing to really look at the world. You don't have to smell the roses and listen to the birds sing if that's not your thing. You don't have to become someone else to stop and notice things around you.

Notice that it's only an act, a cover people have. A mask. Beneath it we're pretty much the same. We do same mistakes, it's how we deal and act during and after them that defines us.

A person who stands still never grows up. How could he, he has never actually experienced anything. You can learn a lot from books, but you'll learn more from experiences. Still, you can do lots of stuff, but if you don't process them and study them, you'll learn nothing. I guess that's why we grow the most by the hardships we meet, because we have to process them at least some. Just don't let other people be the hardship, there's enough pain in things that happens around you.

Go for it. And if you hit your head, collect yourself and move on. Don't stay still and don't stay to cry for the boo boo. Take the chance, take the outcome, ponder about it for a moment and then move on with a little more baggage but a little more wisdom too.

And never stop enjoying all the jiggling boobs bouncing just for you.

Wut is luv, part 2

Today has for some reason been quite stressful. I came home late last night and went straight to bed without my lovely few last hours napping in front of the computer before heading to bed. I slept restlessly and my morning routines didn't go as planned. I've cut back on caffeine so that might affect my day too. It wasn't busy, just... I don't know. Irritating, maybe.

Before I had to get to actual work, I sat outside in the sun for a moment and listened this song:

It somehow gave me the serenity I needed. Usually it's quiet where I work and I have a lot of time to just think and wonder about life. Today I had few of those moments, but my mind was empty and uneasy.

My only vague thoughts of the day were about Sofa's comment to my last post. I told you how we have a thing in the guild where someone shouts lyrics in caps to indicate he/she is singing. Slen often asks if we believe in life after love and I tend to answer it with "No. If there's life after it, it wasn't love to begin with."

I think you can love someone without being in love. You can love without it being love. If there's love or life after it, I don't qualify it as Love. At least not the all consuming love that wraps you inside like an erupt volcano or a flood crushing through your soul. Not the love you dedicate your life to.

The topic lately has been is it better to have loved and lost than ever loved at all. I'm a firm believer of taking chances for love. It's hard to know where the threshold is that it's no point on banging your head against a wall or where you start being a stalker. It's good to push it a little, but one has to be prepared that the counterpart doesn't necessarily want to be pushed too much. Calling someone in the middle of the night or dozen times a day is probably not the way to go.

Still, loving even for a brief moment is better than never experiencing it at all. And I don't mean Love, I mean any loving feelings towards someone. If you can have a moment of mutual feelings, even though it might hurt in the end, I still think it's worth it. It'll make you stronger and you can always remember those moments of being loved, and it will help you get through some rough times. And possibly remind you that you are lovable. If it happened once, it can happen again.

Sofa put it well by saying "I think love is far more complex than a blog post or even a whole series of blog posts and comments, but we know this. I think the mistake we often make is restricting love to just that one thing that you search for. It comes in many forms, and you almost certainly won't experience them all." And I agree that there's love all around us but sometimes we choose or mistakenly waste it or ignore it - and still it's there. Love doesn't just disappear suddenly, you can't screw love, but you can fuck up a relationship.

There's life after a fucked up relationship, but if it truly was love, the love will last a life time. There's no life after love. Love ends if you come to an end.

Thank you all for reading my blabberings. The blog has reached over 3000 views which I'm very proud of course. Stay tuned, I'm not quite done with this nonsense yet!