After you

Watching romantic comedies usually makes me feel all fuzzy inside. I could never be unhappy watching Love Actually. But today I watched a movie called About Time. It's a story about this guy who can travel back in time and he uses his extraordinary skill to find love. Like in most romantic stories, it's mostly about the humour a couple can share together. It made me think is that really the most important thing there is in love. Could you be in love with someone you didn't find funny?

Another thing about that movie was that one of the characters wanted to have this song to be played at his funeral:

For years I've known more clearly how I want my funeral to be like than how I'd like to have my wedding. If I die peacefully, I want to have an open casket at my funeral. I've never seen a dead body in my life and I'd like to give that opportunity to others. If I get smashed in a car crash or something like that, I would like to donate as much parts of my body to any medical stuff that would need those.

Like most of the people, I would like my funeral to be a happy occasion where people would think of all the fun moments we've had. I would like my internetian friends be there too or then light a candle at my favourite spot in Azeroth. It's silly but I would like that - and hey, it's my funeral. I expect my brother to deal with all the internet crap anyway, deleting my accounts and whatnot. For anything else there's a notebook on my bookshelf, half white, half black and all the other specifics are there. Carnations would be nice. I would like to be buried in that lovely dress my sister made for me for that one dance we had in gymnasium. I would care a lot what happens to my computer, books, paintings and other scribbles, all the rest is crap and can be donated to someone who actually needs it. Except that little penguin on my bookshelf... It's important but I don't know what to do with it. And I don't think slide shows are stupid, btw. Totally OK at my funeral.

And of course I want this song to be played at my funeral:

I have few recordings of me singing on my computer. If you play those, I will come back and haunt you. But in a nice way. Like cuddle you when you sleep, leaving you with a feeling of utter loneliness when you wake up.

How would you like your funeral to go? What song would you like to be played at your funeral? Do you have an insurance that will cover the costs? Do you know that you wont leave a burden behind when you die with all the unfinished business? Did you remember to wear clean underwear, just in case it happens today?

Vial of the sands

People keep asking what the mats are required for the Sandstone drake so I thought it's easier if I just put them here and link this to them.

Vial of the sands are made of:

1 Pyrium-laced crystalline vial
8 sands of time
12 truegold
8 flasks of the winds
8 flasks of titanic strength
8 deepstone oils

In total:

29k of gold
72 pyrium ores
120 volatile fires+airs+waters
128 volatile lifes
128 whiptails
64 azshara's veil
64 cinderbloom
8 albino cavefish

The reason you would want this mount is because you can turn into one and someone else can ride in your back.
 

Or you can entertain yourself when it bugs.

Have fun farming!

The price of love

A guildie knows how much lyrics means to me in music so he suggested I try this band:

I don't usually like this kind of rock but my friend was right about the lyrics, they are powerful. So lately I've been thinking what's the price of love.

In the guild we have this thing we sometimes use caps and spam lyrics as if we were singing them. Our little cuddlesnuggle Slenbear sometimes sings asking if we believe there's life after love. I always answer no. If there's something after it, it wasn't love to begin with. I believe love to be eternal and if it stops, it wasn't love. If my theory is true, I've never been in love.

But I think I've been close. I've seen glimpses of love and I know I want it. Badly. So what do I need to pay to get it? What's the price of love?

Do I need to make a fool out of myself? That's just fine, I feel like the jester already.
Does it require actual money? That's okay with me, I'm ready to work for it.
Does it need to be paid in time? I've got plenty of time. Just show me who to waste it on.
Do I need to throw myself in the winds of emotion? I'm up for that, who wants to stay numb anyways.
Am I not ready for it? What kind of sacrifices is there to make to become ready for love?

What do you want from me, love?

If it comes with pain, I'm ready. Pain I know, I'm used to that. If it comes with the shades of darkness, I've been there before. I know the way out. Right now I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for love (except that one thing, of course).

I wont give myself to anyone, but I can give myself to love. I mean that I want to stay as my own person, but I would be fool - for love.

I feel like most of the things I want in life can be achieved alone. But love is something I can't magically make happen. And we all know there's no hurrying love. Maybe the one I'm supposed to be in love with is not ready and I need to wait. In the meanwhile I can just browse Imgur and join the choir of loneliness. Seriously, I bet one of the most used comment on that site is "This made me realise how lonely I am". If you don't believe me, check out the comments on this one: http://imgur.com/gallery/y5OQE.

What do you think, what's the price of love?

Dictures

I promised to my guildies to write about dick pics so here it goes. Or as Sofura (AD-EU) called them: dictures. I don't really get what the problem is with them. Why do women dislike them so much?

For my birthday I asked in FB people to tell me a nice memory of the two of us instead of all the gratsing. Later that day I received a message from this one guy. He said we don't know each other that well so he can't really tell a funny story, but instead he sent me a dicture and wished it made me laugh. It was a really nice gesture in my opinion. Now we do have a funny memory we can laugh about for years after.

That wasn't my first dickie and probably won't be the last (at least not after this post). Everytime I've encountered a conversation about dictures, the girls are complaining. "It's a dick, eewww, who would want to see that?!"
I do.

Maybe it's because I'm a Finn. We here in Funland go to sauna from early age. There's nothing sexual about it. We go there to relax, to be cleansed. We go there together as a family or friends. And we go nekkid. So I've seen my fair share of willies. To me it's just another part of the body, although it has its sexual appeal. The dick has sexual appeal, and the rest of the body has it too. The mind also. But a dick itself? Meh, just a thing hanging between the legs.

I've wrote about dicks more than I thought I would ever even think about them. I've written about the problems one can have with them, I've written about the size and now I'm writing about pictures of them. I wonder how many prudes out there are blushing just for the thought of a dick. If you are, I suggest going to sauna with people. Or the nudist beach. Nothing is sexual before we make it sexual.

Dickies are like modern days ankles. You flash them only to someone special or when you feel like being adventurous. There shouldn't be anything offensive about it. A dick is not being rude to you. It's even a compliment if it's standing up to salute you! Words can hurt, but a picture of a dick shouldn't shake your world.

There are different kinds of dickies. I've been told there are guides to taking one too. As in should you trim before taking the picture, should you show your hand and preferably a watch too. Apparently a true "dong shot" shouldn't be in underwear but in full nudity. Also you should think if you want to show just your willie or your balls too. You can read more about it from here or
here (be careful googling if you don't want to see any actual pictures).

And guys, it's okay to be proud of your body. Just choose wisely who you send your dictures to because not all of us want to see that thing. Apparently.

So girls, if you get a dicture, take it as a compliment. If you don't like what you see, just don't answer to the message and delete the picture. A dicture is personal, it's meant for your eyes only. Don't be a dick and share it to the world.

If a dicture isn't enough for a birthday present, you can always put it in a box.

(sorry about that, for some reason I couldn't link a better version)

What women want

You clicked that thinking I have the answer didn't you? Oh man, how wrong can you be...

First of all that sentence is pretty much everything what's wrong in our "equal" world. It puts women in one box as if we were some kind of different specie. It also suggests that there's just one thing women want. But we're all individuals, we want what we want same as men want what they want.

Anyway I'm going to let you in a little secret. Nownow! Don't hate the player, hate the game. This might sound like an article from a woman's magazine, but if you really think about it, there's something in it.

When you meet a girl you're interested in, ask her this one simple question and it will give you more answers than you could ever imagine:

What sense could you not live without?

A girl who couldn't live without taste needs to be taken out for a dinner. And not just some burger place but an actual restaurant. You really need to know what she likes in honour to please her. But then again if you ever forget her birthday, she'll forgive you easier if you bring a box of chocolate. She probably appreciates genuine tastes so she will like how you really taste so no need to shower right before meeting her. Strawberries and some bubbly will probably help to get in her pants. Wrong taste can easily turn her off so remember to eat lots of pineapples.

A girl who couldn't live without the ability to smell needs you fresh from the shower. You can surprise her with a bubble bath or a little gift that smells nice (like perfume, shower gel, scented candle). When you're getting her flowers, you can just walk in the shop and ask for the best smelling flowers, no need to look for roses. She will know right from stepping inside your apartment that you've cooked for her or cleaned and she will appreciate those things. Good cologne will probably help you to get in her pants. Bad odour will turn her off so forget about that garlic and booze tonight if you're seeing her tomorrow.

A girl who couldn't live without eyesight needs you to look good. She will appreciate if you have put every single hair in your head in order. She knows how to decorate and what colours goes well with each other. Because she appreciates how things look, she will probably look good too. With her you can go on a cheap date by taking a blanket with you and just watch the sky or the stars. Telling her how good she looks will probably help you to get in her pants. Seeing something irritating or ugly will turn her off so you might want to think about what you wear when you meet her and remember the lighting.

A girl who couldn't live without the ability to touch needs gentle touching. She probably wont mind silence and being close doesn't mean only being physically close. She will notice the little things you do, the little subtle touches and she probably will read well your facial expressions. If you know where to touch, you'll be able to get in her pants easily. Keep her warm and on her birthday you might want to check on some nice fluffy bathrobes to shop for her. Being uncomfortable will turn her off so don't be too pushy and remember to use lotion.

A girl who couldn't live without hearing will notice how you sound, how you say things. She doesn't only care what you say but how you say it. She will love the little things you whisper in her ear. If you need an easy gift to give her, you can always shop for a story (a book or a movie) or music. You will probably get in her pants if you don't stop talking. Silence will turn her off so be careful what music you play on the background.

A girl who couldn't live without balance... I have no idea. Take her to bungee jumping or something.

Every sort of girl will appreciate you asking her advice on a subject that is important to her and now you have a hunch of what that could be. Try one of these:

What would go well with [this thing I'm cooking]?

I have the option to [something] and I don't know which one smells better, vanilla or chocolate. What do you think?

This one stupid blogger claimed that blue and brown doesn't work together. What do you think?

I was thinking of buying a new pillow, but I don't know much about the materials. Could you help me pick out something that's comfy?

I want to say [some random sentence], but how could I put it better?

You might have figured out that I'm not dead serious about this and this is something you could find in the latest Cosmopolitan. But if you ever test this theory, let me know how it went :)

A coverup

I'm a wizard with this blog. Such cool updates. Much new. Wow.

Pet the bones

When I started my super interesting and highly eventful (sarcasm) single life, I had a clear vision of what I want out of a relationship. I knew what I wanted my next boyfriend to be like. I've noticed that that list has gotten shorter and shorter as the time goes by. Maybe he doesn't need to be a chocolate-button-eyed long-haired metal guy. Maybe he doesn't need to be interested in the same things as I am. Maybe he doesn't even need to play WoW (gasp, I know)! Now I'm just looking for a special kind of connection with someone.

Ever since my last boyfriend, few guys have tickled my funnybone and I must admit I've let someones to tickle me a bit more than that. Only one guy has tickled my heart but I guess I didn't do the same for him. This brings me to the topic I had in mind. I already wrote about how can you tell the other person is interested but how do you know he (or she) is the one for you. How can you know you like the one you're with?

Now, this might sound simple but if you really think about it, there're a lot of things that can blind us. If there's a nice guy and we reeeeeaaallly want to like them, we might convince ourselves he is the one. That might work for a while but in the end the only result will be unhappiness.

Do you check your messages constantly because you want to hear all about his day or are you just bored? Do you like the attention he is giving to you? Do you want to see him so you can gently pet his head and just be with him or do you want to see him because you need your head to be petted? Do you think of him when you're doing something he might like or do you think of him only because the company would be nice? Do you want to learn about the stuff he is interested because you are interested in the things he is or do you just feel it's obligated of you because you have something going on? Would you do stupid things because he asked for it or are you willing to do absolutely batshitcrazy things just for the heck of it? Do you like him for what he is or what you imagine would suit you? Do you read her blog because you want to get to know her better or is just way too cool blog to pass?

If you think of him when you're not really supposed, if you find yourself thinking: he would like this, this would be fun with him, I can't wait to tell him about this, how long do I have to wait before I get to meet him again? - then you're screwed. Congratulation, you like someone. Unless you're a weirdo who is just obsessed. In that case I can highly recommend pets. Especially cats like when you're obsessed with them.

I don't really know what I think of "the friendzone". You can't be in the zone if you hadn't made some kind of effort to get there. Though the person of your dreams might not have thought about these questions hard enough to know that there will be nothing between the two of you. Or he doesn't notice the signs (he, she, whatever). One can't ever really know what goes on with two people, but if a guy hangs out with a girl a lot and even does the dishes for her, I'm pretty sure he has thought of most of those questions.

But when is it time to beg for it and when it's time to realise it's not going to happen?

Few posts ago we had a lovely little conversation about lyrics that has made a strong impact on our lives and a person hiding behind the nickname Davan brought The Cure's Boys Don't Cry to our attention. The lyrics really made me think and they are a bit contradictory. It says:

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

But it also states that:

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side

To that I want to say that it's never too late. It's never too late to say you're sorry. If you're willing to do almost anything then go effin do it! Don't let yourself be too scared for trying. What is there to lose anymore? If it is too late, then it already was too late. If it's not, then goddamned you're a lucky sonofabitch. But if it's time to let go, then let it go. Good luck and godspeed with that. It's so hard to let go, but it's easier when there's no hope of anything happening between the two of you. Still, you can't keep on hanging on to something that's going nowhere.

Btw. if you ever need someone to talk to or want to ask advice (though I'm in no means an expert), you can reach me through Kik. My username is Iarna (with an i) and the name is from the time I still used to play Runes of Magic and RP with these wonderful people. Damn I miss RP'ing.

Curriculum vitae

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how would it look if it was written down as a CV, what would be the most significant points that has made me who I am. I don't think I would write down the things someone else would write about my life. I survived a lot of things but I don't think they have made me who I am: not the things. It just shows I can survive. It's the inner struggle that has made me who I am today and what I will be tomorrow.

And I've struggled a lot. First I thought, as a teenager, that I have to change myself to be liked and I thought being liked would make me happy. And I did, oh boy, did I try to change myself. I toned down my talk, my emotes and actions and even my inner self to be liked. I struggled so hard to be me without being me, and at some point I noticed it had worked. I wasn't myself anymore. But the problem was I didn't like myself anymore. And I like me more, not the made up me.

So I started to struggle myself back. That's still in process because a decade of being someone one is not, takes a toll.

The relationships I've had has taught me a great deal. They have helped me to find myself even though they haven't always been dancing in the rose gardens. I think I once loved a boy, but it got too serious too fast, so I got scared and ran away. One boy loved beer more than me, so I ran. One boy didn't know what love even was, so I ran yet again. And many boys didn't know if they even liked me, so I ran after them. I have been ashamed of the people I've dated and tried to get rid of them for that. Some have been too young, some too old, some too clumsy, some too weird, and the list goes on. Not that I've dated so many people, but one imperfect relationship can include lots of imperfect things.

I've survived weird relationship with my parents. I don't even know where the other one lives and the other one I can talk with about anything. Yes, I mean anything.

I've survived the moments when I've looked at the person I love wasting life looking at the bottom of a bottle. I've seen people burying themselves with grief. I've seen people who think they are not good enough when they are. I've seen people lie so much, that I've hated them - and then pitied them.

I've done things that are considered to be a tabu. Some things I regret and have to carry with me to the grave. Some I don't. But about all I'm willing to talk about because I don't think hiding things help with anything. Honest to the bone. With my words I hope I can help someone else who is going through similar struggle.

I've survived work and school and learnt hard lessons. I've survived my teenage years, I survived growing up and I'm still surviving growing old. I've survived pain and suffering, being hungry and being without a home. I've survived disappointments, letdowns and heartache. I've survived someones love without being able to love them back.

I've survived being lost, being lonely, being helpless and having feelings. I've felt sad, mad, I've felt misery, sorrow and utter confusion.

I've survived sleep-deprivation, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, the feeling of not being able to do something because my body just don't work properly.

I've survived a lot of things. I've struggled a lot.

But how much have I actually lived?

How many times something has stopped me for enjoying life, enjoying myself?

I've had moments when I've thought it's not okay to enjoy. That it's not okay to like, love, take fully what comes.

I've had moments when I thought I can't do something because I'm supposed to do something else. That I'm obligated to attend class, work, meetings, even see friends and family when I really wanted to do something else. Something for myself.

I've had moments I've laid on a bed next to a wonderful guy thinking that I can't enjoy myself, that I should be ashamed. Ashamed of what I'm doing, ashamed of my imperfect body, ashamed of the feelings I have.

I've had moments that I've been too scared, too afraid. I've thought others would judge if I like something, I've thought it's silly and stupid. So many times I've thought something is not worth the risk and so many times regret afterwards I've not done something.

I've had moments I've thought I hadn't deserved the happiness. That I shouldn't enjoy because I'm not worth it.

But I am. Everything I can give to myself I should. Every risk that doesn't involve getting myself killed is worth it. I am allowed to be a little crazy, to be a little different. The sun does shine just for me (and for you, and you, and you).

The moon casts its pale light for me and it's not too cold to go skinny-dipping.

Take life as it comes. You must survive the hardships because it makes your CV look better. But don't forget to include some happiness to the hobbies-section. In the CV of life, it doesn't matter how others see it. The only thing that matters is that you like the things you've filled it out with.

Sounds of music

There's a reason why I listen to lyrics and I'll list them here for you. Many of these songs have been so important that I don't think I would've survived some points in my life without them.

"Good things might come to those who wait
Not to those who wait too late"
(Bill Withers - Just the two of us)

"You saved the best for last and now it's too late"
(Sonata Arctica - Good enough is good enough)

"The carousel is spinning fast
better enjoy while it lasts
Every moment is like gold
youll remember when youre old
And the meaning of this life
is to live and is to die
Make the best out of your dreams
they're the world where you are free
All the sorrow and the pain
will be washed away by rain
An eternal joy will come
it can be found by everyone
Though the end is drawing near
Im not feeling any fear
I have found the truth inside
after all the tears I've cried"
(Stratovarius - Season of change)

"Fly without sorrow
In my dreams we meet again
For you I live, I would die for you
You'll stay deep inside in my heart"
(Entwine - Closer my love)

"So when the hell will I know.
How much further do I have to go?
And how much longer 'til I finally know?
'Cause I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me."
(Hoobastank - Crawling in the dark)

"I have carried this burden so long for you
that nothing but sorrow I feel
I have let myself believe
that nothing would hurt deeper than the truth"
(Ensiferum - Eternal Wait)

"I'm sick and tired of bein' sick and tired"
(Ozzy Osbourne - I just want you)

"Time after time
I am wasting my time
Living in a past where I was strong
But now I am gone
I leave no shadow when I'm alone
I'll stay forever in my dreams where you are near"
(Pain of Salvation - Second love)

"I am the Playwrite and you are my Crown, 
make me cry for your love, like you´ve done many times, 
so I know I can´t write these storylines without you, Lady pain, 
make me strong, can´t we be together without them forever..."
(Sonata Arctica - The Misery)

"Is is too late to go in peace, I wonder how
how these things did start anyway
Maybe too late to find a way, when the
trail of grief is marked with memories"
(Hammerfall - I believe)

"Can you give as much as you can take?
Can you love as much as you can hate?"
(Samael - Together)

"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn"
(Florence + The Machine - Shake it out)

"You've got one night only, one night only, that's all you have to spare
One night only, let's not pretend to care
One night only, one night only, come on big baby come on
One night only, we only have 'til dawn

In the mornin' this feelin' will be gone
It has no chance goin' on
Something so right has got no chance to live
So let's forget about chances, its one night I will give

One night only, one night only, you'll be the only one
One night only, turn your arms around,
One night only, one night only, there's nothin' more to say
One night only, words get in the way
One night only, one night only, one night only"
(Dreamgirls soundtrack - One night only)

"What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?"
(Metallica - Unforgiven II)

"And if you will, I will
Try to let it go.
And if you try, I'll try
Try to let it show us the way
'Cause love is here to stay
Just look me in the eye
This is do or die
And I will stay in love
'Till you say enough
There is no giving in
There is no giving up in love."
(Jewel - Again and again)

"You tried to hide yourself in a shell
You wanted heaven but you got hell
And then the darkness gained control over you
When everything turned into bitter blue
You went into the land of no return"
(Bad boys blue - Baby blue)


And I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.
You've got wits... you've got looks,
You've got passion but are you brave enough 
to leave with me tonight?
(Dashboard Confessional - As lovers go)

"Baby, do you understand me now
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive
Can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood"
(The Animals - Misunderstood)

"But I crash in my mind
Whenever you are near
Getting deaf, dumb and blind
Just drowning in despair
I am lost in your flame
It's burning like the sun
And I call out your name
Whenever you are gone

Tomorrow
I'm telling all tomorrow
Or the day after tomorrow
I'm sure I'll tell you then"
(Saybia - The day after tomorrow)

"Sing what you can't say
Forget what you can't play
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes
Walk within my poetry, this dying music
- My loveletter to nobody

Never sigh for better world
It's already composed, played and told
Every thought the music I write
Everything a wish for the night"
(Nightwish - Dead boys poem)

But not just in English:

"Donnez-moi une suite au Ritz, je n'en veux pas
Des bijoux de chez Chanel, je n'en veux pas
Donnez-moi une limousine, j'en ferais quoi?

Offrez-moi du personnel, j'en ferais quoi?
Un manoir a Neufchatel, ce n'est pas pour moi
Offrez-moi la tour Eiffel, j'en ferais quoi?

Je veux d'l'amour, d'la joie, de la bonne humeur
C'n'est pas votre argent qui f'ra mon bonheur
Moi, j'veux crever la main sur le coeur"
(Zaz - Je veux)

"Ich hab' viel zu lang geblutet.
Schwer beladen mit der Schuld.
Weil Schlafen leichter ist als Kämpfen,
Hab' ich mich selbst eingelullt."
(Asp - Kokon)

"Uusi sukupolvi kuolemasta krapulainen 
Katsoo miestä, naista, lasta, likaista 
Tuokaa ruokaa ilman suuta kansa huutaa 
Ja vaihtaa aterian aseisiin ja materiaan" 
(Turmion Kätilöt - Liitto)

But not all are deep and meaningful:

"Cause it's the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
So bring your favorite lady
Or at least your favorite lay
Water's not cold baby dip in your big toe
Maybe I'll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside"
(Jonathan Coulton - First of May)

"Push me
And then just touch me
Till I can get my
Satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction

Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push,
Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push
Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push,
Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push"
(Benny Benassi - Satisfaction)

Yea, don't listen to lyrics every time...

If you have lyrics in mind that are meaningful to you, please don't be shy to share them. I would love to read them and maybe even listen to those songs. In this blog you can post anonymously if you wish. Sharing is caring!

Like sand through hourglass, so are the days of our lives

This is the inevitable.

I feel worse and worse the closer the day gets. I hate birthdays like these. I love going out, seeing my friends and usually I only wish for people to remember me, say few nice things and my day is perfect. And I already got the best present one can wish for so no need for any more (it was a bottle of cola). But this year, it's in the middle of the week, I don't have big plans and because it's all so vague not many people will come. But that's just fine, who needs friends anyway. If it's a bad weather I'll dress up and go have a nice drink with little umbrellas and whatnot - alone if necessary.

I was talking to my friend the other day how he wouldn't want kids now and that he wants kids when he is twenty-something. I reminded him that he is already twenty-something and then it hit me. Again. I made a promise to myself a long long time ago that I want kids only when I'm twenty-something and not a minute after. I still think it's a good promise because I don't want to forget how it was to be a kid. I don't want to be too far away from my own kids life. So the time is ticking. Ticking so effin fast that I don't even know anymore... If I want kids it should happen... well. Right now. And it's not happening right now. It's never a good time to have kids but this certainly is not a good time for sure.

I wrote this "poem" when I was a teenager, in the year 2003. And weirdly I can still feel the echo of that feeling I had when I wrote it. It's not very good English, but you get the point, I'm sure.

Everybody changes

Except me.

Personalities change, colours change.

But I stay still.

People get angry, enjoys.

But my face doesn't make a move.

People grow older, grows adult.

But I have always been like this.

Sun rises, the evening comes.

But I'm not moving anywhere.

They learn from new experiences.

But I don't.

They learn to be frightened, to be happy.

But I have always laughed for the same things.

No more I know people.

Changing is too fast for my slow growth.

People trust me, 'cause I have always been like this.

But I can't find a fountain to purify.

Sometimes I get a little bit of refreshing water.

But it doesn't replace never ending thirst which

doesn't disappear.

It never disappear, it never lose its glow.

I'm always the same, my personality never change.

People learns to understand me,

but just when I’m getting used to them, they change.

My eyes get moist of tears.

Mourning reflects of my eyes.

Even the sun makes me look sad.

That’s something they don't understand.

They'll never experience the same.

They'll never understand.

I'm not going to meet same kind of person, ever.

Alone I'm stuck in time.

And the time is running out.

The time is running out on me. I'm never going to meet a person who is the same kind as I am. I wish I knew that for certain so I could make different kind of plans. I hate this feeling of wishing and hoping for a great relationship. I wouldn't mind being alone and childless the rest of my life but it would be nice to know now. I would build my life differently if I knew for sure I will be the crazy cat lady in the end. Without the cats. Maybe I'll get lizards or something. And some day I'll change the little umbrellas on a drink to a huge one with what I can beat up neighbours kids for running on my lawn.

I don't feel old so why am I getting old? If I'm froze in time, why can't the time stop too? Why am I so freaking stuck on this never ending cycle of waiting? I'm lazy but when there are things to get done, I do them. I can't just sit around and wait. But with this, there's nothing I can do. And it makes me angry and sad. I feel like I have so much to give and nowhere to put it. Anyone needs some extra loving? I have plenty, just come get it.

You wouldn't download 1001 nights

I saw this on Imgur (yes yes, I'm an imgurian, it's a lovely community). Moo pointed out that he would totally pirate a friend - and I would too. There are lots of internetian friends I've met IRL, some before I knew them online, some after. Some internetians I haven't yet met and some I probably never will. One person I've met inclined that we didn't really know each other because we've only spent time together for couple of days. That is to say that we've only seen each other for couple of days. But for me we've known for over a year since that's how long we've occasionally chatted.

This made me think at what point do we actually know each other? I've been told that psychologists have said you can know a person completely after 1001 nights. That's about three years. After that there shouldn't be any major surprises. With my last boyfriend, we were together almost six years and he still didn't know how I like my breakfast. I wonder why I kept hoping he would after the first few years. Silly me.

Annnyyways. The question is: Can we truly know each other if we've only met online? Do we need the "physical copy" to really know a person? I think it's a question that has to be approached from two sides. In the other hand you can't know another person without seeing how he (not doing the he/she crap) reacts, how he emotes, how he smiles with his eyes... But in the other hand you get a much closer look because you see what the other person is without all the physical awkwardness. You get a glimbse of the mind more through online interactions than from physical presence. There's no distractions from how the other person looks like, how he smells like, how he rubs his balls or burbs.

It is said that we have the opportunity to lie more easily on the interwebs but then again it is also said that it's easier to be open as well. It's much easier to tell a non-physical friend what's bothering you and since you have to tell how you feel because the other can't see if you're crying or not anyway, it's also easier to share inner thoughts just by writing them. You don't feel self-conscious about a bad hair day when you're online. Your online friends don't care about that, they care what's truly going on with your life. They care more about what goes through your head than what's on your head.

For example those who reads this blog knows much more about me than what I usually share with people. But then again, I'm an open book always. I might not tell if not asked, but if asked I'm brutally honest. I may have sextourettes, but I guess that is interesting to some people since the blog has over 2000 views. How cool is that!

I have a birthday coming up so stay tuned for some serious b-day anxiety. I can't promise you anything, but I'm pretty sure that will be the inevitable topic next time. Thank you all for reading my nonsense :)