So anyways, about the vibes. I don't mean bad and definitely not anything bone chilling. More the opposite. I feel good and calm with the newbie like I did with Stan. Stan and I were together for years and in many ways it was a good relationship. Okay, a great relationship. Most people don't get to experience that even once in their lifetime and here I am at the threshold of another one. It wasn't perfect of course. Nothing in this life is perfect, and there's a reason we're ex's.
When I try to explain to people why Stan and I aren't together, it's always difficult. We broke up years ago and still I get asked that, especially if we're seen together. "Tell me again why aren't you guys together?" "Is there any chance you could get together again?" "You guys were so good together." Yes, we were. No, there isn't. And here's why were not together.
It sounds so vain when I say it, but it was the toasts in the mornings. But you have to see this as a metaphor for the entire relationship. We were together for years, Stan and I, and few years we lived together too. Stan was great. He wrapped me up in a towel after I took a shower. He made sure I was warm on a cold winter night. He was tentative in many ways. If I went out with my friends to a bar, he didn't join me because that was not his scene, but he usually came and picked me up. Even at four am. Even if I was sober as a crystal glass and didn't need anyone to walk me home. And he made me breakfast.
You don't know how many mornings I flipped because of that damned breakfast. I had it the same way every morning. I still do, if I'm having bread. When I wake up, I put the boiler thingie on and go take a shower so the tea is not too hot later. I have green tea in the mornings. With honey. (Granted, three years ago I didn't use honey.) And the teacup is always fully filled, because I would use a smaller cup if I wanted less. I have a glass of water on the side, and it has to be cold. The water, not the glass. I have two slices of bread. Toasted. Next part depends on what there is in the fridge, but the elements never really change. I put butter on the bread (or cream cheese) and I smear it equally on the bread. That means the sides too, not just put some on the middle. Then I put cheese, because I like how it slightly melts on the toasted bread. Then I put ham or something whatever kind of meat there is. And then bell pepper, cucumber or tomato or something, again what there is in the fridge.
A long explanation, right? And not too easy to remember. How long do you think it would take to remember it? A week? A month? More than six years? I'm super grumpy in the mornings, and I told Stan multiple times that I get cranky when I don't get the breakfast I like, so it's better if he just doesn't make it anymore at all. But because he wanted to make me breakfast, he did. And I was angry. Because it was never right. And I need it to be right in the mornings. It just has to be right. Otherwise I don't survive the day.
He never learnt, and I was the bad guy. In the relationship with Stan most of things were like a stage. I tried not to get mad and yell, because he got so clogged from that. There were not a single fart in the room we shared. But it wasn't fake either. It was just how we were together, and it probably explains why it didn't last. Next time you see us walking around in the town, you know why we're not together. It's because of the bread. Stan was wonderful, and he still is. He's just not the butter for my bread.
Now back to the newbie and the thoughts. He doesn't make me feel like breakfast in the mornings. Oh no. He makes me feel like wrapping a big towel around after a shower. And this feeling makes me grateful for what being with Stan taught me. It taught me not to be so angry, not to nag all the time. It taught me to talk about things, all kinds of things. It taught me that two different kinds of people can quite easily make it work if they want to. It taught me that not all past relationships are waste of time. It showed me what is an equal relationship, where both brings something in it. It taught me not to poison the other person and it taught me to hold my own. Being with Stan made me the person I am today. I might not have been all the things I am with him, but I sure as hell learnt about myself so much that a retreat to a mountain cave for soul searching would not have been better use of time.
It's so important to be with someone who makes it easy to be yourself around. And it's so easy to be in a relationship where you forget who you really are, where the poison runs in both of your veins and the small voice in your head telling you that you're better than this, has gone silent long time ago. It's hard to end a relationship that you thought would last forever. And it is really hard to be friends with your ex's. Even for me and Stan, who didn't have that toxic atmosphere.
We don't have time for shitty relationships. Most of all because it molds us to someone we're not. It makes us lose ourselves and regret the things we say and do. A bad relationship makes us afterwards ponder not who the person was who we were with, but the person who we became during the relationship. If you find yourself radically changing because of a relationship, think about it hard. Is it a good change? Do you want to change as that kind of a person? Are you doing it deliberately or are you changing because the relationship is forcing your soul to twist and turn? Do you like the person you've become? Is that person you?
Relationship in the modern era is not an altar you're supposed to sacrifice everything on. Of course you're supposed to work for it and not toss it away if the breads are not made to your liking on the first morning. But you're supposed to work for something you want to keep, something that gives you something too. If you keep giving but you get nothing back and you change for it, stop. Find another way. Maybe the relationship is not for you. And I can guarantee you'll do better on your own than in a toxic relationship. You'll survive the breakup and you'll learn to stand on your own two feet again. Don't let a relationship make you bitter and twisted. Fight for what is good, and if there's none left, know when to give up.
Relationships are never easy, but they can still be good.
