The d-dilemma

I had a terribad christmas holiday. I was sick and I felt lonely and angry for being away from the ones I love. And then in need of a lot of chocolate, if you know what I mean. It was a miserable New Years because I had nothing to do. My advise to you is that if you're considering moving abroad, do it for the whole year. The four months for me is just too short to build a life and make friends. What's the point of making deeper connections since you're going to lose them so soon and maybe forever.

So I did what I do. I browse internet. Comment here and another there. Next thing I know dickpics in my inbox are on the rise. This time I even got  a video and a gif. My first ever dick-gif, btw. I've also spent a lot of time talking about why do guys send pictures of their junk. They sometimes ask something in return and when I decline, they still send pictures of themselves. Some wants to show off, some are insecure about themselves and needs reinforcement, some do it for the excitement. Today one guy told me that he sent me a dickpic because he was feeling blue and it made him feel better. That it made him feel like he was interacting with someone. That almost broke my heart. And what a weird feeling looking at a picture of him after that...

I wish I could show you what kind of pics I get. Some guys are very creative about it. They have something for scale next to it, they have different clothes, different backgrounds, different postures and point of views. It's quite interesting. I think I've mentioned this before but my interest in dickies is not sexual. I tried to explain to one guy I was once dating that I could have a folder of bunnypics instead, it would have the same effect. They are nice to look at, they can be funny, they are different and they can even be artistic. There are as many different dicks in the world as there are guys. Maybe after few decades I print them out and have an art show, who knows.

I almost deleted the folder because of that guy who didn't understand why I had it and why I would want to keep it. After that I've tried to be more open about it and tell about my little hobby in the beginning. If it scares the guy away, good riddance. Then it definitely wasn't the one for me. I was bored when I was sick so I decided to invest in entertainment and I bought one month worth of subscription of Tinder so I could move my location to home and see what kind of market there is. There are some potential people, I had forgotten how good Finnish guys looks. In England there are gorgeous guys and then fugly guys, nothing in between it feels like. In Funland there are plenty of guys that might not be drop-dead-gorgeous but certainly a sight for sore eyes.

So I've been chatting. The main question has changed from "How do you like England?" to "Where the hell are you when this says we're 1660 kilometres away!". The most difficult question so far has been "What do you do for fun?". Umm.. I... Play video games... and shake my booty... I really need a solid hobby that gives me a good answer to that question. Pimping my online dating profile by actually doing stuff, best plan ever! I was asked what sub-category I represent as a geek. I didn't know what to answer, but after talking with my sister who was visiting me here, I came to the conclusion that I'm a social geek. Everything I do involves other people somehow. I couldn't even name one single-player game I play. This revelation made me feel more normal than in years.

And I think I struck some kind of goldmine again. I know, I know, I've said this before. That's why I'm very cautious this time. But fuck he is funny. And similar to me, but not too much. Chatting with him is so easy. But I have to wait weeks until I get to meet him and possibly be disappointed. I feel like I'm one foot back home already. I should take it easy but I also kinda just want to enjoy the ride. Failure is likely anyways so why not make the best out of it? He doesn't even care about my d-file! I'm screwed, aren't I?

Other thing that worries me is that now that I'm going home, I might have time for an actual relationship. When that thought hit me, I almost panicked. I'm not ready! I have so many (stupid) singlelife-things to do! Never in my life has commitment scared me before, I guess I've been flying solo for long enough to appreciate it. It would be so... karma if it would happen now. My life is in order and I've started to focus on other stuff. Considering how much I complain about not finding The One... ahh women, amirite? Well, he just needs to read this blog and then I'm off to new adventures again. Maybe I'll kiss a girl. Or even two people at the same time. Why is life so confusing?

 

Resolutions

It's that time of the year again. New year, old tricks. I wasn't gonna post a NY rant, but then I saw something in the deep dark corners of the interwebs and I decided the world needs another motivational post from yours truly. This is the image I came across:

I was staring at this longer than I'd like to admit. I did that. I literally did that last year.

Remember last time on the NY post I made I promised quite a lot of things:

2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.

I have been even happier in the year 2015. The dark times have been ever more rare and the good times have flown higher. I stopped talking to people who makes me unhappy because I have more self-respect.

I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.

I still have work to do with the whole receiving bs, but I have been more open about situations that makes me uncomfortable. I have gained more wisdom and mainly it has come through new friends and new places. My old friends have thought me great deal too, mostly about myself, goodness in people and strength. I have appreciated smaller things in life and heard so many birds sing that sometimes I want to cry for joy.

I've learned so much. About myself and the world. I've found courage in me that I thought didn't even existed. I've been so blessed, so unbelievably lucky. Sometimes I wait for the sky to fall down because it's hard to believe I deserve any of this. I'm still single and I might not have kissed everyone I wanted, but I have broaden my view on men in general. I have defined my heritage and proved to myself that I'm not a racist. I'm childishly curious about other cultures and people, but I have no hatred towards anyone. This is really stupid, but I had a goal to kiss a black man in the summer. Summer went and passed before I reached my silly goal, but I did it finally. And what I learned about that was that men are pretty much the same.

I mean, there are different personalities in all of us, but the color of ones skin doesn't change a man (or a woman). The only thing different is that taking selfies together is hard depending on the lighting and the contrast of the colors is beautiful. (I'm probably one of the whitest people in the world and my tone against dark chocolate looks amazing. Funny side note though: I burned my back on 4th of July and I still have the tanline. That's not so pretty and mainly just awkward. For the year 2016 I hope to get rid of that or I can never be nekkid with anyone again.)

I shaved my head and it's slowly growing back. I miss my hair dearly when it's windy but I also like the new style. Rockin' it! I also got on to a plane and moved to another country for few months. It has been scary in so many levels and I have crazy respect for those who has come to study with me from other countries and especially outside Europe. With my English skills it has been struggling so I can only imagine how it is for those who understands even less. It has been a great experience and again I've learned so much. But I still can't wait to go home. There's a little apartment with my name on it waiting for me and I will finally live alone. Can't wait to decorate it and have people over for sleepovers and pillowfights and whatnot. Probably gonna spend the first week dancing naked and cooking and showering in the night.

What I didn't do from the list in the pic is take my own life. I haven't even thought about it. Few weeks ago I was pretty sure I'll die because I was so sick, and what a satisfying feeling it was to think "if I don't wake up from this sleep, it's okay. I have had an amazing life so far and I have no big regrets."

Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.

I danced more but I want to dance even more. I sang more, but I'm going to sing even more. I loved more, but not romantically. I laughed more and smiled more and I'm going to keep on doing that. I traveled more but this year I hope I'll be able to travel outside Europe and see how the world is elsewhere. I will work harder and give my best because I want to be the best. Now that I have a laptop and will have an apartment just for myself there is definitely gonna be more gaming. I really want to make snow angels, but the damn winter is not coming soon enough! Ice skating is also on the list and cross-country skiing. I'm still looking for the lotioner and the love of my life. I have a feeling this won't be the year it will happen either, but at least I can have so much fun searching.

It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.

I've learned new skills the past year and that is something I hope to achieve this year too. This year I would like to learn to be more confident and more okay with my own skin. I want to be less selfish when it's possible, and more selfish when it's necessary. I want to own less material possessions. I want to make more meaningful things in my life. I want to gain good reputation and have my own opinions. I want to taste new foods and I want to cook more. I want to enjoy more music and other kind of arts. I want to have more deep conversations, but I also want to have more fun and be more jolly. I want to be afraid of not trying. And the most I want to waste less time.

For everyone I wish the new year would bring more self-respect, more loving yourself. More brighter days and less bad decisions. More strength and courage to know what's good for you and own it. I wish you'll find your passion and reach your ambitions. I wish less judgement for my countrymen and more cultural understanding. Less prejudices, but more Austen. The most I wish this year will be the best year so far and may the next be even better.

The song of the day is a mashup of the past year by DJ Earworm. Enjoy!