Let me paint you a picture

I always thought I was one of those who never gets affected by how long it has been. Today I found myself after a very vivid dream wanting to grab some random guy by the collar and drag him to my place for some good old ravishing. I can't say that that is really me, although I guess it would be nice to be less levelled from time to time.

I've always been all for freedom of speak. Especially when it comes to tabu's and such. I think that's why I don't even feel ashamed writing stuff like above. The term is lady boner, I believe.

(an awesome webcomic, go check it out here)

But for some reason even though I want to, I can't make myself write about not-so-womanly-stuff if it doesn't involve sex that much. I can read and write about fetishes, penis sizes, condoms, mutilation and even about tapeworms and buttsex, but farting is too much. I'd like to tell how much bowel movements affect feeling like a woman and feeling smexey. It's a real issue, but no one seems to be talking about it much. Not even people like me who have only little control of what comes out of their mouths.

So I go back to my comfort zone, which is romance. Okay fine, kinky romance. But still romance! I wrote about how you can detect others interest in the virtual worlds (virtual connection, as I like to call it) and I've always considered myself good at reading people. Lately I have come to the conclusion that I'm like John Snow, I know nothing when it comes to RL connections. If someone doesn't tell me straight up "I like you", I have no clue if they do or not.

It might have something to do with the vibes I send out. Maybe I'm too closed up to make others know that I like them and that's why they keep their feelings to themselves. I'm planning on hanging a sign on my neck that says "What do you want from me?". I'm not saying I have a crush on different person every day, but many of the guys around me do raise a certain level of eyebrow up in the air to show my interest. Still it feels mostly like this:

I like cheesy things. I like cliches. And I'm pretty sure so does many other girl. Especially those who spends their days in WoW, Imgur, reading webcomics and social media. This would totally work on me:

When I'm preparing to go out on a date with a person I've got to know through OkCupid or Tinder or whatever, I think to myself what the hell is wrong with the guy. Why are they still single at this age? And then I aim the question to me. What is wrong with me, why haven't I found the right one yet? Am I too picky, are my standards somewhere closer to the clouds than the roof? Am I too quirky, too weird, too demanding, too scary? Why is the most peculiar person I meet in the bus or in the store wearing a wedding ring? If the midget walking with sticks and the toothless, smelly fat guy have kids, why don't I? I can't be that bad... can I?

Maybe it's something I do. Perhaps I play hard to get. I don't make it clear enough that there's a chance. Though I don't make it clear enough that there's no chance in hell either. Perhaps I live too much inside my own head, in the dreamworld I've created. Or maybe I just don't go out enough. It's not like there are just random guys sending me messages like this:

I'm not too much, am I? This is pretty much my only requirement:

And of course I want to feel something. It's not good enough that we have fun together. I want him to make my palms sweat and my heart flap... Yeap. I'm too picky. Forever alone and all that crap. There's no point on this rant so I'll end it with another image. This one goes out for you, Sofa.

(credit to: Chiara Bautista link to FB)

Oh, and the song of the day (because it's such a weird day) is this one. I'm linking it just because I can. Don't you just luv the pink.

And I link it to you for the one single sentence,
"They say that good things take time but really great things happen in a blink of an eye".

...One more thing! You know how some guys send me some dickies from time to time? Funny story. I had a friend over and I showed him some game I find amusing and made him play it. The game at one point shows pictures from my computer... You can only imagine my face when I realised what kinds of pictures there can be on the screen. I think it didn't show the worse and I told my friend to quickly close it. Almost broke my rule that dictures sent to me are for my eyes only.

The silence of noise

Have you ever noticed how many songs and poems talks about "the silence in me"? I've never understood that really. There's never silence inside, not even in the most peaceful moments. The serenity doesn't bring me silence, it's just different kind of sound. When I'm sad, there's rain or thunder in my mind. When I'm happy, there's laughter and a beat. There's always some kind of voice, sound or noise in my head.

I think it's because I come from a big family, I've always lived in a busy city and close to ocean. Even when it's quiet there has always been the sound of wind in my ears. Silence is a sign of danger to me. If something or someone goes quiet, I automatically assume something is wrong. Did the machine just broke down? Why isn't he suddenly answering anymore, did something happen? They say that no news is good news, when we live in this time and age, the sudden stop of news is alarming.

I know there will be a day when even my mind goes quiet. I'm not afraid of that day. I think it will bring me peace from all this chaos in my mind. I'm not saying I have a wish for death, no sirree. I'm pretty happy as it as. Not always, of course, I have loads of gloomy moments. But with all the sorrow and ache, I still wouldn't change the disorder of the sounds of my mind to blankness. I'm nowhere ready to stop talking to my good old friend, darkness.

A friend of mine said he doesn't think in any language. His thoughts are more of ideas than words and sentences. In my head there's always words. Sometimes in English, mostly in Finnish, but it's always the same: a conversation I go over in my head with myself. I divide the activity of my mind into thoughts and feelings. Thoughts talk, feelings are more primal and more close to an idea. I'm starting to sound like a schizophrenic... Though I've always said I have 52 personalities plus one joker.

A friend of mine posted this to me the other day. I've seen it before, but it never loses its power for being reposted.

It's not about how loud it is in there. It's about what the voice tells you.

Wordplay

A month ago I was on a roadtrip in Denmark with my friend and guildmate Juju. We rented a car and drove around almost the whole country. Here is a map of it. The blue line is the way up and the red is the way back. The idea of the trip was to meet as much guildies as we could and we had time to see five of them. So the trip was pretty much a success!

Of course we came up with dozen of inside jokes but we also came up with new words. We thought that "shipping" two people together wasn't good enough and we started to call it "planing". The logical explanation to this is that ships are slower than planes. And if you want two people to be together, you want it to happen sooner than later. (Actually the word doesn't come from ships or delivering cargo, but we didn't let that stop us.)

We also came up with the term "complimentary boner". When you're spooning with someone, and you're the little spoon and the bigger spoon has a penis, it's expected the bigger spoon to get a boner. It is quite rude if they don't since they are rubbing their pelvis against your butt. It's not necessarily anything you have to do something about. It can happen amongst friends too. But you shouldn't be offended about it, it's just a compliment to your butt and the sweet, sweet spooning you're doing.

Seriously girls, if a guy gets a boner, it doesn't mean you have to put out. It doesn't even mean you should get uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure guys get boners all the time and are quite used to them. And used to it not leading to anything more than that. Enjoy the poke on your lower back! The person you're spooning with couldn't say it better with words: you're hot and he knows it.

Who's next?

There has been a lot of talk about bullying in the Finnish social media lately. It happens every year around the time schools start. I've read horrible stories this year. Stories that makes me doubt if I would've survived such. The name calling and afflicted physical pain are one thing but the feeling of living in fear... How can someone survive it? And then become a productive member of society.

I don't think I've ever witnessed bullying in the schools I've been. I heard rumours in gymnasium, but I didn't see it myself. I do remember some name calling here and there, and once I remember the one who was being called names having to drag me away from the name caller because I kinda wanted to give a piece of me. A big chunk of me to be exact.

Now. That story makes me sound like one of the good guys. But don't believe it. We all want to look good and make ourselves seen as the heroes, the angels. Nobody wants to be the villain, nobody wants to admit we've made mistakes. I think that might be one root of the problem, it's okay to be the bullied one. It's no longer showing weakness, it's showing courage to be able to announce you survived that. And it's a good thing that way.

But who are the bullies? Where did they come from? In the social conversation there are only victims, no villains. And now I'm starting to sound like I'd been a bully - isn't life funny. Fear not, if you'd know me at all, you'd know I'm too nice and too sweet for that kind of thing. And I'm not stupid. I might be afraid; I'm quite scared of physical pain which makes it damn hard to intervene if I see something that would require someone to be in the between and stop it. The feeling of helplessness is something that carries with me probably all my life.

I do have my Hulk moments too. When I start to get really angry, I can easily get physical too. It's not so easy to make me blindly angry, though I'm grumpy all the times. (Especially in the mornings.) So I'm not a bully, never been a bully. I never been bullied either. I have some scars of being called fat and the table breaking under me when I was sitting on it. People teasing that I don't sing the right notes. Tickling in the hallway so much that it's just not funny anymore. But kids are kids, it's impossible to stop all of those things. I don't even want to know what would happen to those kids anyway. We want to protect the next generation, but they still need valuable experiences to learn.

I think the line is crossed when the teased starts to be afraid. Afraid of going to school. Being afraid of losing lunch money, a backpack, new shoes. Thinking there's nothing but pain. Thinking nobody cares. That's the point it shouldn't reach.

What no one is pointing out is that not getting involved can leave scars too. Once in the subway (or metro as we call it here) there were two girls who were mean to another girl. Luckily there was a man who intervened and made the two girls stop. The girls seemed familiar, I used to hang out with people like that. What I still regret after these years is that the two girls and the one girl who was clearly afraid left the subway on the same stop. I should've left too and go check if everything was okay. I still wonder what happened and how that one girl managed. Did she make it home?

My boyfriend from time when I was just becoming an adult, broke a bone in his hand intervening a fight where five men where kicking one guy who was already down on the street. I don't think this bf of mine ever regretted it, no matter how much pain he was in. He has as many screws in his hand now as there were men beating him and his friends, to remind him of that night. He did the right thing and he should be proud of it.

We are scared for ourselves and scared to make things worse by intervening. But we all know it's not going to get better if we don't do anything. We should find out what makes some people bully. We should teach our kids to be tougher so they wont get bullied and we should stand up for those who are not in a position to do it for themselves. Because two beavers are always better than one.

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone or diminish anyone's pain. I had more to say about the matter but because I'm so damn busy lately I have to run to work now. Have a great day!