In the end, does it even matter?

What has happened to compassion?

Has there ever been any?

You know the feeling when you see a person, someone you know, making the most ridiculous decisions of his life and you just want to go over to him and tell him how to fix it? Don't.

"Love me when I deserve it the least, that's when I need it the most."

Lately I've been going crazy with all the noise around me, telling me what to do and how to fix my life. Somehow I ended up being less than everyone else, downgraded to something that is okay to give advice to and to poke, poke, poke, endlessly. The noises keep telling me to live more, work more, study more, take more chances, think more, be more careful, get more money, think less, care less, stress less, work less, study less, be more active, play less, be alone, get a boyfriend. The noises tell me how my next boyfriend should be like and how he should not be like. They tell me where I should get a job and they forget that I can't do everything. They tell me I need more time to myself and I shouldn't rush into anything, that being alone would do me good. At the same time they tell me to go out more, see more people, hook up with this guy and that guy. They tell me I'm crazy for studying so much but at the same time they look down on me if I skip a lecture.

My life, as it is now, apparently is full of endless possibilities to give advice on how to make it better. I didn't know anything was wrong with my life. Or at least nothing I hadn't already thought myself. And the only thing that really has changed lately is that I'm not in a relationship anymore.

When the real life noises goes quiet, the echos still ring in my head. Over and over and over and over again. I should care less. But how? I should think less. But how? I don't know how to shut everything out except for shutting everything out.

"Sometimes the best you can do is just survive."

Here are my advice to you (I can see the irony, no need to point it out): Don't let anyone tell you what to do. Only you know what is best for you. If someone force feeds you advice tell them to piss off. Ask for compassion. Look for a person who will listen to you without judging. And remember, it's okay to ask for help when you need it. But think before you give it without someone asking it first.

In this time and age we care too little. So be out there and care more. Even if it means you'll get burned sometimes, it's still better than the alternative. There should be nothing wrong in caring about others around you.

Best thing you can say to someone: Everything will be alright. You can get through anything. I support you. I care.

And here's my advice to myself: be less scared.

/end of rant

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the NO!

I thought about saving this for after Christmas, but maybe it fits here too. Maybe. *shrug*

I wrote this on a Friday the 28th of December 2012:

X-mas came, x-mas went.

Hope you all had a merry Christmas!

Christmas is usually the time to think of those who doesn't have anything or anyone. There are lots of posts in the interwebs about people who have helped the unfortunate ones with gifts or money. I really hope they are for real and not just posts for karma.

Christmas truly is the feast for kids. I'm disappointed there aren't any kids in our family, but luckily we are childish instead! Armi and I made a shape of a Christmas tree from some Christmas decorative lights on the wall and put all the presents under it. And opened them all way before x-mas, of course. But I am proud of myself; I opened only one slot of advent calendar per day and not them all at once like usually. Well, not opened, I scratch them since it's a lottery advent calendar. Having one of those is pretty traditional for me. I can remember my father always buying us kids one for each every year even when we were little. I didn't win this year. Again. Next year for sure!

All that lottery stuff is mainly for dreaming. At night, when I have hard time to fall asleep, I imagine what would I do if I won millions of euros. Doesn't matter if I have bought a ticket or not, it still works. Another good choice is to put something on from the TV, like wrestling. Instant sleep guaranteed. Too bad none of these tricks will work when I'm home alone. Every little creak and noises bothers me. The same imagination that can come up with millions in lottery wins, can also imagine robbers and rapists.

It's been so quiet in WoW at x-mas, I decided to go empty my bank account and shop. I bought a new wallet, but the alarm for thieves was left inside it without being deactivated. I also bought a new bag for my laptop and the long handle wasn't in it. Luckily the staff in the next store were understanding about the alarm, but with the bag I need to drag myself back to the place I bought it. I have not much use for a bag that has to be held in hand. It's pretty tiresome to carry a laptop in one hand for long periods of time. Try sometime if you don't believe. But then again, I once said to my mother that once one learns to wipe with the "wrong" hand, nothing can stand in the way anymore.

New year, new tricks... Or the same old. If I'm being honest. 
Happy New Year!

And here's a cute kitten for you. It's fancy. Like me. http://imgur.com/gallery/IFD14

Damn Starks always right

Today when I was walking back to the apartment, I noticed a little puddle on the ground and it's surface was frozen. I had to stop there, in the middle of the street, and poke it with my toes to see how thick the ice was. I don't ever wanna grow old!

This was written on a Tuesday 4th of December 2012:

"Winter surprised the blogger.

Everyone knew days ago it was going to snow soon. And still I was surprised. Autumn turned to midwinter in one night. It's lovely the world is more luminous and it's beautiful outside. The bad thing is it's freezing and slippery outside. I have to break the doctors rule and use the bracer/support-thingey even when not sleeping. If I slip and fall out there, I don't even want to imagine how badly it would end.

This new academic life is giving me grey hair from one thing and then some. Not only the reading for exams and coming up with essays and all that, but the "hands-on" arrangements. They aren't exactly used to students who are not in their best health and so the teachers are puzzled with me. I was given a paper that said I should contact "the services of disabled". With shock I stared at that paper and thought to myself that yeah, I guess I am handicapped. I mean, literally speaking I am disabled. I have a disability and I am a person, so that makes me disabled. I never considered myself as a disabled before. Always thought disabled people with immobilities or extreme mental retardation or something like that. I just have a little booboo. Booboo that makes me suffer through pretty tense pain if I type by hand more than ten words. It's starting to be more clear why this is difficult for the school, isn't it?

I went to the school's doctor to ask for a testimony that I need special planning when it comes to exams. I showed this paper forward and I got that paper to contact the disabled services. I sent them email, but got no answer. I know I should go there and talk to them, but to be honest, I really don't feel like it. The nagging feeling once again to have to go to explain to a stranger what's up. Especially I hate the fact that my handicap doesn't show, so I have to have dozen papers to prove there's something wrong with me and I have the right to have special treatment. I hate that. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn't always have to emphasise my problems. I wish I didn't have to explain and prove. I wish I didn't get labelled as difficult and different. But I guess this is a thing hard to understand if one hasn't had similar experiences.

Good thing is that as a student I get steadily a little bit of money every month and I don't have to fight over it in government offices. I think it's better to get little that is certain than lots with fighting and uncertainty. And I can't say I lack anything, I have roof over my head and food in the fridge, sometimes I can even afford something extra.

With extra I mean things like this electronic cigarette thing I've got exited about. Five weeks ago I quit smoking real cigarettes and after that I've only puffed my e-cig. I still use nicotine in that machine, but my priority is to get rid of smoke and the habit first. I also use nicotine-free liquids to help me get rid of the bad habit. I am confident that one day I don't need that nicotine filled liquid either and the whole puffing will feel so silly, I give that up too.

This has been the best help to quit. No doubt. I've tried patches, inhalers, tried quitting easily, tried  quitting cold turkey, but nothing worked. I have to point out that day five weeks ago was first day on this millennium I didn't smoke. And I'm damn proud of it. But this whole thing divides opinions in my friend circles. Mostly those who doesn't smoke themselves don't think I've quit. Those, in the other hand who do smoke, shares my joy of quitting.

I wish people could support more those who are trying to quit. I think one can achieve much more with honey than a whip. In the future I hope to tell more about my e-cig experiences but now I have to go farm my field for motes of harmony! :)"

One year later and I haven't smoked any real cigarettes. I still have some nicotine in my e-cig but I'm hoping next year that will end too. One of the doctors I've seen said that smoking could be part of my problem because it effects the joints and the bones and something like that. So, it's better not to smoke at all even though the damage might already be done.

(Just right now as I was writing this I heard a weird noise coming from the other room. Like a demonic whisper or something like that. There's no one else here. I'm scared. Hold me!)

The age of innocence

Things that always fascinates me in the virtual world are the relationships. I already talked about like, love and flirting, but this time I'd like to go deeper into relationships.

I chatted briefly with Foss about virtual friendships and the lack of physical closeness. It's a topic that doesn't involve only love affairs but any kind of mutual liking. Can you be close to a person that's only pixels? Can you be involved with someones life if you can't hold him, hug him, truly smile at him or wipe his tears away? (I say him because there's only one word for genders in Finnish and I don't see the point on doing all that he/she -crap.) Is a relationship deeper when you can see the other person, for example through video chat?

Are we blind or deaf in the virtual worlds? Is there something missing?

My opinion in the matter is based on two things:

One is that I'm not a very touchyfeelykind of a person. I don't really like to be touched and the people I let touch me are privileged in my eyes. If I have to hug a random relative or a total stranger, I feel very uncomfortable. When I hug my friends, I usually do it for them, not for me. My close family were never the touchy kind and we express love mostly by sarcasm. One who doesn't understand our way of making fun of each other, doesn't see the deep feelings we have, the closeness and the warmth. I didn't learn to touch people around me as a kid and I didn't learn it as an adult either. I'm not saying I don't like laying on the couch watching a movie in someones warm embrace, but I don't grave it.

The other thing is that I've always had the words on my fingertips. Writing in foreign language makes it more difficult, but for me expressing myself in written words has never been an obstacle. I used to write stories and poems (they were mostly rubbish, btw.) and still sometimes I entertain my guildies by "storytime" as we like to call it. I tell you more about storytime later. I think one can express emotions through text as in spoken words too, it's not a big difference. You just have to know how to "listen".

To make any kind of a relationship work in the interwebs requires understanding and a gut feeling. The other person makes a lot of typoes? Maybe he is tired. He doesn't answer you with long sentences? He might want to be left alone. He says something, that's almost hidden and quiet, in a subordinate clause? Pay attention to those, he might say more than he writes. Ask questions. Because you can't see the other person and you might not know his tone of voice, you have to ask. I can't emphasise this asking thing enough. Don't let yourself be blind or in the dark with the others, open your virtual mouth and write a question. "What do you mean by that?" "I'm sorry, I don't really understand, can you make it more clear for me?" You can pick up on moods through text especially if you chat with that person often.

I think a relationship in the virtual world can function just like any other in the "real world" if you want and you are satisfied with it. If you need hugging, then it's just not for you. Still doesn't mean you can't have some kind of relationships with the people you talk with, maybe just not as fulfilling. Friendships requires for you to be there, for you to listen, for you to show compassion and sharing. You can do all that by writing, I'm sure.

But I think it's a totally different question when it comes to love affairs. Can you start loving a person you've never touched, hugged, kissed, smelled or banged? Can a relationship be deep without physical connection? I don't think so. You can be friends over the net, even romantic, maybe a little dirty too, but in the end, the love would be blind, deaf and a hanging torso. Even I, the touch-hater, need to be able to really feel the other person. I mean, what's the point if you don't get to do all the fun stuff too ;)

Let me sing you the song of my people

Today I want to come out of the closet and admit that I'm the guildleader of a pretty successful social guild. It happened by random events, and those I want to share you this time.

I don't remember anymore why and when Armi, Andra and me came back to Argent Dawn from Emerald Dream. I think it was because Emerald Dream was dead (and still is) and because we wanted to RP. We made two guilds at some point, one for RP and one as extra storage space. Armi had the lead in the RP-guild and I in the bank-guild. We RP'ed for a while but then it kinda dried out.

I wanted to seek out new adventures so I rolled a new character with the name I had used before in another MMO. So it was a female night elf with manly name Dannael. While questing I got a whisper: an invitation to this guild and the leader sounded so nice I decided to join. It ended up to be a zerg-guild (a guild that invites anyone and no one really gets to know one-another). I didn't like most of the people, only selected few, so I decided to leave the guild and ended up deleting the character. But in that guild people thought I was a guy because of the name and I didn't correct them. It was nice to be "Dan the man" and talk about equality to the point that one girl ragequitted because she didn't want to listen anymore of us pigs talk about how women's life should be. That was so much fun!

After Bloodrune - which is still alive and kicking, by the way, so hats off to you Rahazzan - I wanted to level my RP-character and I left Armi's RP-guild to go on new adventures. I, with Lucitar, was in Hellfire Peninsula when I got a whisper. It was this cute little dwarf that wanted my help with some PvP-stuff. I don't really care for PvP but that dwarf was so sincere I couldn't say no to him. I helped him and we chatted a bit. He talked about his guild and when he found out I was guildless, he asked me to join them. That's how I ended up in Adventurers Anonymous (or AA, like we altoholics call it).

AA had plenty of nice people and I really enjoyed my time there. Made some online-friends and had few laughs. I also became Luci (hence the name of the blog). But the guild was dying. The leader and his second in command came online less and less every week. My subscription was ending and I didn't have that much money so I told the nice people I was gonna be away for few days, maybe few weeks. When I came back after 10 days, the guild had broken down. Nobody was online anymore. It made me so sad to lose all those people.

I started to think what to do, what to do. I always wanted to give guildleading a go and so I thought I could try regrouping everyone in my guild. I didn't think they would, but I thought it was worth to try. So I mailed a letter in-game to all of the remaining guildies and told where to find me. Rennie was the first one to answer and he thought it was a good idea, so with his help we gathered the remains of AA in my bank-guild, Stop Inspecting Me.

First there was just the few of us and at some point we started to be afraid that the guild wouldn't last without new active members. So Rennie and I hit our heads together again and started to recruit. We didn't want many, quality over quantity was our motto, and we ended up getting some pretty good people to join our ranks. Now we don't even recruit anymore because people know how to find us, those who wants to giggle and take the game less seriously. With Armi on other and Rennie on other side, I now have my little guild that has a green chat (means we talk a lot. And I mean A LOT) and people really tries to get to know each other. I have no authority, but I think that is a good thing. We are all equal and at least I feel like every guildie can come to me with their in-game and outside problems. We've lasted quite long for a social guild too. It has been active since June.

If you're ever online and happen to be in Stormwinds trade district and you see a little gnome named Manypenny sitting infront of the mailbox, guarding it like a hawk, you now know the song of her people.

Funny side story to this is that I sometimes feel a little too much pressure being the leader so I go cheat my guildies with one other char and another guild. That guild actually is the best parts of Bloodrune. I've heard someone say I make a better leader than a guildie, and that might be true. So Pan (the leader of Falcon Hoof), if you ever read this, with all the love, thanks for tolerating my sarcasm!

(and the pic I have for the cover of this blog; that's actually Dannael)
Edit: Now it's a pic of Lucitar