Voldemort-19

This my humble take on the pandemic. Harry Potter of course has a perfect metaphor for this situation (too). Imagine Hogwarts being modern economy and Voldemort being the virus.

 

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's (/Sorcerer's) Stone, 1997

 

“SO WHAT?" Harry shouted. "Don't you understand? If Snape gets hold of the Stone, Voldemort's coming back! Haven't you heard what it was like when he was trying to take over? There won't be any Hogwarts to get expelled from! He'll flatten it, or turn it into a school for the Dark Arts! Losing points doesn't matter anymore, can't you see? Do you think he'll leave you and your families alone if Gryffindor wins the house cup? --”

If you break the quarantine/curfew/distancing Voldemort will get the Philosopher's Stone. It doesn't matter if you have a job after this pandemic, because you will be a shell of a man, broken and sad - or dead. If you think it's okay for some people to die as long as you can continue on like before, just read up on history and see for example how the world was after the Black Plague. The world won't be the same no matter what you think.

 

It's all kinds of horrible, like a friend of mine said when we were talking about all those people who has to die alone in the hospitals because no visitation and the healthcare is collapsing. I know I can take this situation pretty easy because I'm used to being home. If I can be a hero just by playing videogames, I have no complaints doing just that. Hello World of Warcraft, my old friend... But I really do symphatise with people who are outgoing, used to live busy lives and has more people at home than just my own sorry ass. And I get that if you're used of being an independent person, it is hard to ask for help for things you would be able to do yourself. If you're not sick, it feels silly to ask someone else to go to the store for you.

 

And I get that there has been many mistakes all around the world. What I don't get is what it helps to point out those mistakes now that it's too late to correct them. Maybe some people think we then stop making other mistakes now? Because we'd be more careful? Even though mistakes were made by being careful? I don't know... I guess "you can lead a horse to Evanescence but you can't bring him to life". In this case it is to give people the proper tools to think and more than plenty of information, but no one can make people see how dangerous of a situation we're in. Of course it's hard to do so, if it's not personal. If you don't know anyone who has been sick, if you have no doubt that you're healthy, it can feel unfair to be restricted and it can almost feel like a conspiracy. Here we see the lack of trust in our governments and the media and we'll fall back to our own senses to figure out what is true and what is not.

 

Maybe some people will now stop complaining about the unemployed who "just sit around the house all day doing nothing", like that's so easy. The same restrictions most people are experiencing now, are the ones poor people have. They can't go anywhere or do anything because they can't afford it. And if something is absolutely necessary, a poor person might have to hoard it from sale. I know this life feels hard right now, but you'll soon get used to it and I can tell you, it's not that bad. There's plenty of things to do: books, audiobooks, tv-shows, movies, you can sing, dance, play, learn a new skill, take an online course, open a window and breath in the fresh air, do spring cleaning, call your long-lost relatives and friends, paint, write, take a nap, move the furniture, build a pillow fortress and sleep in a sleeping bag, go through the photos and delete duplicates, knit, find a silly workout video from the 70's and try to keep up with it, listen to podcasts, draw something without looking at the paper, check out some social media platform you've never used before, tape encouraging words to your window, see an art/museum exhibition online, cook something that needs a lot of time, go for a long walk, imagine a better future, update your addons...

The most important thing is that your life has changed. You don't have to do it like you used to before. You can actually take the nap in the middle of the day if you want to. There are plenty of articles saying that you should hold on to your routines, and maybe that's a good advice. From my own experience the better way is to accept that life is no longer like it used to be and try to find a new rythm to your days before you loose yourself in the nothingness. If you can still work as much as you are required in a day, you don't have to be like you were before. You can do what ever you want without compromising the others, enjoy the time at home. I promise you, it won't last forever. 

 

The world will be like Fawkes and rise from the ashes.

"Nevertheless, Harry, while you may only have delayed his return to power -- if he is delayed again, and again, why, he may never return to power."

💋

What was on the bread

Lately I've been thinking about my latest long relationship a lot. Probably because I had a little fight with him the other day and we haven't talked much lately. Probably because I met a guy who gives me the same kind of vibes as he did. Or maybe it's because I had a long talk on the phone with a friend who is having troubles in their relationship. Let's call my ex... umm... Stan. That'll make writing this easier. So my ex is Stan, and the new one is so new that I have not yet established a good nickname for him. If he sticks around, he'll get a name.

So anyways, about the vibes. I don't mean bad and definitely not anything bone chilling. More the opposite. I feel good and calm with the newbie like I did with Stan. Stan and I were together for years and in many ways it was a good relationship. Okay, a great relationship. Most people don't get to experience that even once in their lifetime and here I am at the threshold of another one. It wasn't perfect of course. Nothing in this life is perfect, and there's a reason we're ex's.

When I try to explain to people why Stan and I aren't together, it's always difficult. We broke up years ago and still I get asked that, especially if we're seen together. "Tell me again why aren't you guys together?" "Is there any chance you could get together again?" "You guys were so good together." Yes, we were. No, there isn't. And here's why were not together.

It sounds so vain when I say it, but it was the toasts in the mornings. But you have to see this as a metaphor for the entire relationship. We were together for years, Stan and I, and few years we lived together too. Stan was great. He wrapped me up in a towel after I took a shower. He made sure I was warm on a cold winter night. He was tentative in many ways. If I went out with my friends to a bar, he didn't join me because that was not his scene, but he usually came and picked me up. Even at four am. Even if I was sober as a crystal glass and didn't need anyone to walk me home. And he made me breakfast.

You don't know how many mornings I flipped because of that damned breakfast. I had it the same way every morning. I still do, if I'm having bread. When I wake up, I put the boiler thingie on and go take a shower so the tea is not too hot later. I have green tea in the mornings. With honey. (Granted, three years ago I didn't use honey.) And the teacup is always fully filled, because I would use a smaller cup if I wanted less. I have a glass of water on the side, and it has to be cold. The water, not the glass. I have two slices of bread. Toasted. Next part depends on what there is in the fridge, but the elements never really change. I put butter on the bread (or cream cheese) and I smear it equally on the bread. That means the sides too, not just put some on the middle. Then I put cheese, because I like how it slightly melts on the toasted bread. Then I put ham or something whatever kind of meat there is. And then bell pepper, cucumber or tomato or something, again what there is in the fridge.

A long explanation, right? And not too easy to remember. How long do you think it would take to remember it? A week? A month? More than six years? I'm super grumpy in the mornings, and I told Stan multiple times that I get cranky when I don't get the breakfast I like, so it's better if he just doesn't make it anymore at all. But because he wanted to make me breakfast, he did. And I was angry. Because it was never right. And I need it to be right in the mornings. It just has to be right. Otherwise I don't survive the day.

He never learnt, and I was the bad guy. In the relationship with Stan most of things were like a stage. I tried not to get mad and yell, because he got so clogged from that. There were not a single fart in the room we shared. But it wasn't fake either. It was just how we were together, and it probably explains why it didn't last. Next time you see us walking around in the town, you know why we're not together. It's because of the bread. Stan was wonderful, and he still is. He's just not the butter for my bread.

Now back to the newbie and the thoughts. He doesn't make me feel like breakfast in the mornings. Oh no. He makes me feel like wrapping a big towel around after a shower. And this feeling makes me grateful for what being with Stan taught me. It taught me not to be so angry, not to nag all the time. It taught me to talk about things, all kinds of things. It taught me that two different kinds of people can quite easily make it work if they want to. It taught me that not all past relationships are waste of time. It showed me what is an equal relationship, where both brings something in it. It taught me not to poison the other person and it taught me to hold my own. Being with Stan made me the person I am today. I might not have been all the things I am with him, but I sure as hell learnt about myself so much that a retreat to a mountain cave for soul searching would not have been better use of time.

It's so important to be with someone who makes it easy to be yourself around. And it's so easy to be in a relationship where you forget who you really are, where the poison runs in both of your veins and the small voice in your head telling you that you're better than this, has gone silent long time ago. It's hard to end a relationship that you thought would last forever. And it is really hard to be friends with your ex's. Even for me and Stan, who didn't have that toxic atmosphere.

We don't have time for shitty relationships. Most of all because it molds us to someone we're not. It makes us lose ourselves and regret the things we say and do. A bad relationship makes us afterwards ponder not who the person was who we were with, but the person who we became during the relationship. If you find yourself radically changing because of a relationship, think about it hard. Is it a good change? Do you want to change as that kind of a person? Are you doing it deliberately or are you changing because the relationship is forcing your soul to twist and turn? Do you like the person you've become? Is that person you?

Relationship in the modern era is not an altar you're supposed to sacrifice everything on. Of course you're supposed to work for it and not toss it away if the breads are not made to your liking on the first morning. But you're supposed to work for something you want to keep, something that gives you something too. If you keep giving but you get nothing back and you change for it, stop. Find another way. Maybe the relationship is not for you. And I can guarantee you'll do better on your own than in a toxic relationship. You'll survive the breakup and you'll learn to stand on your own two feet again. Don't let a relationship make you bitter and twisted. Fight for what is good, and if there's none left, know when to give up.

Relationships are never easy, but they can still be good.

There is no future in the past

This post combines many of the past issues I've wrote about so don't be alarmed if it sounds familiar. Before I start, this post needs few things pointed out. For those who have been with me longer already knows this stuff but here's a recap:
1. I started dating again.
2. It has brought all kinds of problems.
3. I've been awfully busy.
4. I have DADDY ISSUES written on my forehead.
5. I'm in the process of going through professional mental health evaluation to see if I'm crazy enough to need treatment. Because hey, let's face it. We're all mad here.

The more time passes, the less I believe. I don't necessarily lose hope, but I just don't believe. Not in fairy tales, not in toughing it through everyday life. I just don't believe I could find someone who is not too perfect but perfect enough. And I'm glad of that. Believing in a world that does not exist is exhausting and doing so one can lose contact to reality. So finally, after over thirty years, I have finally managed to bring my feet to the ground. There are still small clouds going by my head, but everything takes time.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in few days and I've been thinking about what to tell her. She's been asking what it is that in the relationship with my father affects negatively in my life and other relationships. I didn't have an answer for her earlier, but because it's been weeks since we last met, I've had plenty of time to think. Think, think, think - that is my curse.

This has to do with dating. Again.

So I met a man. Yes, yes, yes, I've said that before. No, he is not too good to be true. No, he is not the prince charming, he doesn't have a white horse, he is not mysterious and magical. He is pretty straightforward, honest it seems, and real. I wouldn't say this seems too good to be true, because there is a possibility he is going to murder his neighbours dog and feed it to me as a stew. Or worse, make stew out of me. It's too early to say if we're at all compatible.

Physically we're not an ideal match. It doesn't feel like we've been kissing each other our whole lives. He is so much taller than I am that my calves aches after we've met because I have to reach for him. We can't be with each other every bit effortlessly, no, we have to talk about things and practise how to be with each other. And that's a good thing, I think. Because if we can solve little problems from the beginning, we can tackle bigger issues later on.

If there is a "later on".

I'm trying to not get my hopes up. I've been down that road before too many times. In the end of that road is only shrugs, some "meh"s and shadows. All of those experiences I carry with me now and they make it harder and harder to believe. Though we all have baggage we bring in to new relationships. Whether it is a romantic relationship or any other kind. It is easier to notice them when it's a romantic one though. There are things we're just not able to let go. But they do say we're looking for someone whose demons plays well with ours. So maybe there's hope for the damaged good that we all become at some point in life.

I hate what the thinking does to me. With every man I meet, I wonder if he is like my father. Am I going to make the same mistakes as my mother did? Has their relationship thought me to stay clear from all that poison, or am I to become one of my parents? And when it comes to relationships, I don't know which is worse: being a dick like my father or being heartbroken and abandoned like my mother. How do I recognise those things about myself? How can I prevent myself making the same mistakes over and over again, generations after generations? How can I make sure I don't bring the poison with me and drink it myself? But most of all, how can I make sure it's not in my veins and spreading around me like venom with every kiss? How can I protect not only myself but the other one too?

In relationships I bring both the curses and the blessings. I have been mistreated and because of that - and basically my whole history - it is very hard to trust anyone is actually serious with me. I also have had a good, profound, long and meaningful relationship, which means I compare a lot the old and the new one. But our baggage can just as easily be that we don't have experience. Either way, what ever the past we bring with us is, it doesn't make things easier. But we should keep in mind that that is what makes us us, and we should be grateful nonetheless. Constantly looking back doesn't make the future any brighter - there is no future in the past.

But wut is luv? I still don't know what love is. Sometimes I wonder if the cage I keep my heart in is the reason I don't know what it is. And maybe it's not about the other person. Maybe no one is supposed to teach love. Maybe you are supposed to learn how to love on your own. Maybe you're supposed to figure out what love is by laying yourself open to loss. Is love something that burns you, high voltage through your veins, heart beating so hard that it breaks your ribs? Is love something sudden, like a walk on a field and falling in an underground cave? Is it something unexpected, like a lightning strike?

I've had that, all of that, all at once. And it didn't feel like love and the only marks it left on me were scars. I think the closest I've gotten to love was when I was with someone and by the long time spend together, we almost melt into one. But there's a danger of losing yourself in the process and in the end it was only temporary. I would like something like that but so that it would last "until death do us part".

I want someone I can be myself with, someone cozy but exciting at the same time. Someone similar, but different enough. Someone to build pillow fortresses with. Someone to introduce to my friends and family. Someone who I'm sure of and with whom I'm sure of myself too. I don't want that person to be the adventure, I want him to be the one I can go on adventures with. I want someone I can tackle problems with, not create them. I want someone who can stand on their own two feet, someone who doesn't need me but wants me because they think I'm just absolutely lovely. And I want to think the same of them.

I wish this time I've found it. But if the past has thought me anything, it's more likely that it isn't. Though the chances are 50-50. Either it is, or it isn't.

Okay world, I'm ready. Bring it on. Towards new disappointments!

(I think the source for the comic is cutestrip, but when I tried to google it, I only found porn - though I'm not complaining...)

Witchdoctor

Oh boy. I got two juicy stories for you, but I don't know which one to tell! So I guess I'll ramble on and just tell both mixing them together. The other one is somewhat educational and chapter 2 for the vagina monologue. The second one is the usual social porn and what's up in my dating life. Where to start, where to start...

Few weeks ago I had a doctors appointment. When I called in they said I should ask the doc about everything that's been bothering me. But it was a gynocologist and a weird one, so I couldn't really talk to her. Other than that it was a pretty standard visit to the gyno. She checked me for breast lumps and while doing so, she commented that I had very dry skin. When she got between my legs, she said the same thing. She told me to go buy lotion from the pharmacy and put it everywhere. And she meant EVERYWHERE.

Well, not IN anything, but... you know. I didn't know that was a thing. But I guess it's similar to dry lips and the need of lip balm. I've known I had dry skin for a long time and I think I have been writing here about the need to hire a professional lotioner and I think it just got a tad bit easier. A new pickup line for sure! "Hey baby, wanna come over and put lotion on my vulva?" Should work. Though it might not make a very profound relationship.

I've been thinking about the whole dating ordeal a lot more lately and then a friend of mine said that maybe I'm not that kind of a person who can settle down with one person for a long period of time. I've been thinking about it ever since and maybe she's right. Or maybe I have problems. I have a huge label of Daddy Issues on my forehead at least if nothing else. That's why I thought about asking the good doc how could I get to a mental health consultation. But since I couldn't ask her... Seriously, when I was leaving I said thank you and she responded with a "fine." and neither one of us said goodbye. It's safe to say we didn't exactly meet on a personal level. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing when it's a gynocologist.

I had to get some shots so I went to see the nurse and since she was so nice, I asked her about this mental health stuff. She booked me for consultation and now I'm officially knocking on the doors of "the system". Maybe I'm not crazy, maybe I'm just a personality. We shall see. But I thought I had to take my own advice, can't be telling others maybe they should go talk to a professional if I won't do it myself. So next month I got an hour booked for bawling. Should be fun. Or something.

When I started to use an online dating site again, it was because I wanted some action. A little action. Not much action. Guess what I got? A buttload of action! Hell, I've been chatting my fingers sore. I've even met with one guy who was okay. Can you hear my enthusiasm? But okay is a good start, maybe I'll meet him again and see if okay turns to something more exciting.

There are few other guys eager to meet me too. But some of them are out of towners so I don't know how it would work. I've already tried the other country thing. I've also tried the half way across the same country thing. Neither one left good memories. But it's like judging a whole nation for one idiot. Though I must admit I have my guards up when it comes to middle eastern or indian guys. They seem to be full of "romance" but not much substance. Then again the world is full of guys who are clingy and full of guys who say anything to get in your pants. I don't care for either ones.

But to the main story. I was at work one day. Minding my own business as usual, when a group came in and one of them wanted to have a chat with me while the others wandered around. He went out few times and came back in to talk some more. He said it's very hard to talk with natives (it was Finnish for beginners group) and that if he proposes cup of coffee to someone they are hesitant to go. I told him that it's because in Finland you have to ask the other person for a pint and then it's casual. If you ask them for coffee, they think it's a date.

He said it's nice to be able to talk to someone and asked if I wanted to go for a coffee or a drink or whatever. I told him he can't hit on me while I'm working, it's just not cool. He assured me he just needs friends because he doesn't know that many people here and he also would like help with his language skills. I know what you're thinking, this sounds like a line but he seemed sincere to me. I ended up giving him my number and we agreed to go for a drink one day. And then the day came and I thought, what have I gotten myself into again. Some stranger I met briefly, this is gonna be aaaawkward. But it ended up being nice. We chatted about many things and I thought great, I got a new friend. Though I don't have time for my friends as it is so new friends are always a bit of a hassle.

We agreed to meet some other time and we hugged and went our merry way. Today he sent me a message, and few messages later he said he has been thinking about me. Initial thought was something along the lines: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! He promised not to hit on me! I wasn't even charming, because it wasn't a date I was my horrible self. He's the second guy in a week to tell me that he can't stop thinking about me. And as lovely as that is, I met this guy twice! Twice!! Then I thought maybe it's a language barrier thing and I asked if I said or did something funny that he has been thinking about. There was no doubt about what he meant when he answered that he wants me in my life.

*insert here murloc sounds*

Okay, I must admit I did think that he smelled good. And you don't think that kind of things about your friends, not in that way. But that's as far as I got with that. I didn't get to the "I miss you so much" part. No sirree. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Do I meet him again and see where it goes? Do I tell him to hold his horses? Do I tell him that I don't want to see him again? And the deep rooted Issues are saying "What if it's just lines?". The last guy I was cool to kiss with ended up being a total asswipe who just wanted to bed me and I never heard from him ever since. It makes a person feel like a damn fool. I never wanna feel like that again. I'm too old for that shit.

So I'll be here. Panicing.

The song of the day is Witchdoctor by Cartoons. With this song I wish happy birthday to the guy I lost my viginity to and to the rest a happy fourth of July!

"Who knows? Perhaps your love will make me forget all I wish not to remember.",

wrote Alexander Dumas in The Count of Monte Cristo.

The d-dilemma

I had a terribad christmas holiday. I was sick and I felt lonely and angry for being away from the ones I love. And then in need of a lot of chocolate, if you know what I mean. It was a miserable New Years because I had nothing to do. My advise to you is that if you're considering moving abroad, do it for the whole year. The four months for me is just too short to build a life and make friends. What's the point of making deeper connections since you're going to lose them so soon and maybe forever.

So I did what I do. I browse internet. Comment here and another there. Next thing I know dickpics in my inbox are on the rise. This time I even got  a video and a gif. My first ever dick-gif, btw. I've also spent a lot of time talking about why do guys send pictures of their junk. They sometimes ask something in return and when I decline, they still send pictures of themselves. Some wants to show off, some are insecure about themselves and needs reinforcement, some do it for the excitement. Today one guy told me that he sent me a dickpic because he was feeling blue and it made him feel better. That it made him feel like he was interacting with someone. That almost broke my heart. And what a weird feeling looking at a picture of him after that...

I wish I could show you what kind of pics I get. Some guys are very creative about it. They have something for scale next to it, they have different clothes, different backgrounds, different postures and point of views. It's quite interesting. I think I've mentioned this before but my interest in dickies is not sexual. I tried to explain to one guy I was once dating that I could have a folder of bunnypics instead, it would have the same effect. They are nice to look at, they can be funny, they are different and they can even be artistic. There are as many different dicks in the world as there are guys. Maybe after few decades I print them out and have an art show, who knows.

I almost deleted the folder because of that guy who didn't understand why I had it and why I would want to keep it. After that I've tried to be more open about it and tell about my little hobby in the beginning. If it scares the guy away, good riddance. Then it definitely wasn't the one for me. I was bored when I was sick so I decided to invest in entertainment and I bought one month worth of subscription of Tinder so I could move my location to home and see what kind of market there is. There are some potential people, I had forgotten how good Finnish guys looks. In England there are gorgeous guys and then fugly guys, nothing in between it feels like. In Funland there are plenty of guys that might not be drop-dead-gorgeous but certainly a sight for sore eyes.

So I've been chatting. The main question has changed from "How do you like England?" to "Where the hell are you when this says we're 1660 kilometres away!". The most difficult question so far has been "What do you do for fun?". Umm.. I... Play video games... and shake my booty... I really need a solid hobby that gives me a good answer to that question. Pimping my online dating profile by actually doing stuff, best plan ever! I was asked what sub-category I represent as a geek. I didn't know what to answer, but after talking with my sister who was visiting me here, I came to the conclusion that I'm a social geek. Everything I do involves other people somehow. I couldn't even name one single-player game I play. This revelation made me feel more normal than in years.

And I think I struck some kind of goldmine again. I know, I know, I've said this before. That's why I'm very cautious this time. But fuck he is funny. And similar to me, but not too much. Chatting with him is so easy. But I have to wait weeks until I get to meet him and possibly be disappointed. I feel like I'm one foot back home already. I should take it easy but I also kinda just want to enjoy the ride. Failure is likely anyways so why not make the best out of it? He doesn't even care about my d-file! I'm screwed, aren't I?

Other thing that worries me is that now that I'm going home, I might have time for an actual relationship. When that thought hit me, I almost panicked. I'm not ready! I have so many (stupid) singlelife-things to do! Never in my life has commitment scared me before, I guess I've been flying solo for long enough to appreciate it. It would be so... karma if it would happen now. My life is in order and I've started to focus on other stuff. Considering how much I complain about not finding The One... ahh women, amirite? Well, he just needs to read this blog and then I'm off to new adventures again. Maybe I'll kiss a girl. Or even two people at the same time. Why is life so confusing?

 

Resolutions

It's that time of the year again. New year, old tricks. I wasn't gonna post a NY rant, but then I saw something in the deep dark corners of the interwebs and I decided the world needs another motivational post from yours truly. This is the image I came across:

I was staring at this longer than I'd like to admit. I did that. I literally did that last year.

Remember last time on the NY post I made I promised quite a lot of things:

2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.

I have been even happier in the year 2015. The dark times have been ever more rare and the good times have flown higher. I stopped talking to people who makes me unhappy because I have more self-respect.

I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.

I still have work to do with the whole receiving bs, but I have been more open about situations that makes me uncomfortable. I have gained more wisdom and mainly it has come through new friends and new places. My old friends have thought me great deal too, mostly about myself, goodness in people and strength. I have appreciated smaller things in life and heard so many birds sing that sometimes I want to cry for joy.

I've learned so much. About myself and the world. I've found courage in me that I thought didn't even existed. I've been so blessed, so unbelievably lucky. Sometimes I wait for the sky to fall down because it's hard to believe I deserve any of this. I'm still single and I might not have kissed everyone I wanted, but I have broaden my view on men in general. I have defined my heritage and proved to myself that I'm not a racist. I'm childishly curious about other cultures and people, but I have no hatred towards anyone. This is really stupid, but I had a goal to kiss a black man in the summer. Summer went and passed before I reached my silly goal, but I did it finally. And what I learned about that was that men are pretty much the same.

I mean, there are different personalities in all of us, but the color of ones skin doesn't change a man (or a woman). The only thing different is that taking selfies together is hard depending on the lighting and the contrast of the colors is beautiful. (I'm probably one of the whitest people in the world and my tone against dark chocolate looks amazing. Funny side note though: I burned my back on 4th of July and I still have the tanline. That's not so pretty and mainly just awkward. For the year 2016 I hope to get rid of that or I can never be nekkid with anyone again.)

I shaved my head and it's slowly growing back. I miss my hair dearly when it's windy but I also like the new style. Rockin' it! I also got on to a plane and moved to another country for few months. It has been scary in so many levels and I have crazy respect for those who has come to study with me from other countries and especially outside Europe. With my English skills it has been struggling so I can only imagine how it is for those who understands even less. It has been a great experience and again I've learned so much. But I still can't wait to go home. There's a little apartment with my name on it waiting for me and I will finally live alone. Can't wait to decorate it and have people over for sleepovers and pillowfights and whatnot. Probably gonna spend the first week dancing naked and cooking and showering in the night.

What I didn't do from the list in the pic is take my own life. I haven't even thought about it. Few weeks ago I was pretty sure I'll die because I was so sick, and what a satisfying feeling it was to think "if I don't wake up from this sleep, it's okay. I have had an amazing life so far and I have no big regrets."

Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.

I danced more but I want to dance even more. I sang more, but I'm going to sing even more. I loved more, but not romantically. I laughed more and smiled more and I'm going to keep on doing that. I traveled more but this year I hope I'll be able to travel outside Europe and see how the world is elsewhere. I will work harder and give my best because I want to be the best. Now that I have a laptop and will have an apartment just for myself there is definitely gonna be more gaming. I really want to make snow angels, but the damn winter is not coming soon enough! Ice skating is also on the list and cross-country skiing. I'm still looking for the lotioner and the love of my life. I have a feeling this won't be the year it will happen either, but at least I can have so much fun searching.

It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.

I've learned new skills the past year and that is something I hope to achieve this year too. This year I would like to learn to be more confident and more okay with my own skin. I want to be less selfish when it's possible, and more selfish when it's necessary. I want to own less material possessions. I want to make more meaningful things in my life. I want to gain good reputation and have my own opinions. I want to taste new foods and I want to cook more. I want to enjoy more music and other kind of arts. I want to have more deep conversations, but I also want to have more fun and be more jolly. I want to be afraid of not trying. And the most I want to waste less time.

For everyone I wish the new year would bring more self-respect, more loving yourself. More brighter days and less bad decisions. More strength and courage to know what's good for you and own it. I wish you'll find your passion and reach your ambitions. I wish less judgement for my countrymen and more cultural understanding. Less prejudices, but more Austen. The most I wish this year will be the best year so far and may the next be even better.

The song of the day is a mashup of the past year by DJ Earworm. Enjoy!

Untie me

I have had this terrible urge to write but my thoughts keep being too vague to be captured. It's freaking scary to move to another country. Even if it's only for a short time. Even if you speak the language. Even if you know people not too far from the place you've decided to move. It's scary to start your life again. To rebuild everything around you. New places, new look, new friends, new people everywhere. The chances of running into something familiar is very slim. Everywhere you go, everything is new. Everybody is new. Every road you walk is new. You have to figure out how everything works, how the shower works, how the kitchen works, how the water works, how the climate works, how the connections work, how the people and the culture works.

Nothing is safe. Nowhere is safe. Because it's so unfamiliar. But it's an adventure. And sometimes it's good to leave everything behind and just pause to take a breather. To see things from a new perspective. I'm dreading going back home to my old ways. Going back living in my head without embracing the artistic side of it. Here I feel like I could paint the sky, sing with birds, write the most painful poetry. Here I feel. Here I breathe. Here I miss.

Not only did I quit smoking again but I have had to change my eating habits. I've had to change how I interact with people. I have to be more outgoing, but I think I really am that. I think I've been passive so far and now I'm discovering how I really am. Not who I am, but how I am. I'm still sarcastic as fuck. I'm still more in my head and in my own solitude than I think the people around me are. But I am a risk taker, and that's what I should be doing. I should go get that tattoo. Should go bungee jumping. Here people likes the way I am because they don't know who I was.

I ride the waves of feelings because that's who I am. Whimsical, unpredictable, deep. I am a storm.

Untie me. Untame me.

I am the poem.

But I'm still a heart. Red, bleeding, scarred, hard heart. I beat. And I keep myself inside a ribcage because I know I have to leave this all soon. I cannot open the door for a unavoidable goodbye. I cannot open myself to you, because the shattered pieces would cut you. The well has a lid on so you won't fall and drown. The student should never become the master. You would tell me I'm the only one you're seeing, but do you really see me? Is it because I'm choosing not to show, not to be loud?

It comes so naturally here, far away from home. The lines writes themselves. Here I feel like I could be brilliant. A genius. The pain is real here, I'm not numb. I'm glad I came because I missed the feeling of feeling. And even though I know it's not going to end well, I'm happy I can have this time to feel. Feel like I'm alive. Feel like I'm doing something for myself. Going somewhere. But not staying there. Here I feel more proud of what I have accomplished. And I feel like I could do much more. I need challenges. This is only the start. The beginning. Not the beginning of an end, a beginning of a start.

World, here I come. It's going to be great. I'm going to be great. And one day you'll see it too.

Spoon list

I have been awfully busy lately. I'm trying to wrap things up so I can graduate and there has been all kinds of extra things at work. Too much stress doesn't really make one a happy person and I have to learn to balance my shit.

In the past few weeks I have had one true moment of happiness. I took my bike to a shop to be repaired since someone had stolen my mudguard during the winter. After I left the shop I walked home the longer route. I walked through this park with plenty of grass, some rocks and few trees. It felt blissful and even though I have always considered myself a city girl, I was reminded of how much I need nature in my life. I guess it's a Finnish thing. We born in forests, we live in forest, we live out of forests, we are the forest. Breathing in the clean air and enjoying the sun made me more happy than I have been in a while.

And then it hit me, a little park can make me happier than my new relationship. I opened the conversation and long story short I felt like I was dumped. (Don't believe everything I write, actually it was a mutual talk and there's no bad blood.) Now I have to face the next decade in my life alone, but for some reason it scares me lot less than I thought. I guess I had already grew into the whole independent thing. I also realised that this is not the best time in my life to have a relationship. I just don't have time and energy for it and I'm leaving the country for few months in the fall. So I dedicate this summer to meaningless flirting and girly giggles. I get back to the relationship thing again next year. I want to say I'm giving up on men totally but we all know that's never gonna happen. I've watched too many Disney movies and romcoms not to believe in love.

A friend of mine had written a note in FB with the title Don't Be Afraid of Life. She said that a playlist in youtube (The Ultimate Cheesy Pop) reminded her of the carefree years of her youth. She says there were two moments in her life when she had to make a difficult decision and that she made mistakes then. The two biggest regrets. No wonder she was reminded of mistakes while listening to that playlist...

I tried to think of my biggest regrets in life but I couldn't come up with anything. They are not something I have done, but things I have not done. It's odd that she wrote about that because similar things have gone through my head. Maybe it's the beginning of summer that reminds us with sunshine of how much better things could be or what but there's definitely something in the air.

I wrote a bucket list the other day. It's called that because you write down things you want to do before you hit the bucket. (In Finnish it's sometimes translated to "spoon list" because you don't hit a bucket in Finland, you throw your spoon in the corner.) It's time to start doing those things on my list so I can one day die without regrets of things I didn't do.

Things on my list are pretty average. I want to get a tattoo, shave my hair, bungee jump, travel around the world, visit a skyscraper, fly in a private jet, see something that blows your mind, sing in an (empty) stadium and so on. I can't remember if I ever had more than a three course meal so one day I want to try at least an eight course meal. I want to spend a week on a deserted island totally nekkid. I want to get married one day. I don't necessarily have to have a wedding, I just want to know how it feels like to me Mrs someone.

I want to give a kiss to someone from a royal family. I want to do something good, if not something big then at least multiple small things that might not be seen but makes others around me feel good. I want to be able to help my mother to become a grandmother. I sometimes can't breath when I think that she's not going to experience that because of my decisions. That such a big thing is so totally dependent on other people. But then again, one day I want to hire an escort or a gigolo or whatever they are called and let that person take me to the most amazing date and make me feel like the world revolves only around me. Because sometimes it's not about someone else, sometimes we ourselves need to be made special.

Single and ready to face the world. Maybe not so positive but at least optimistic.

I tried to translate a bit what Miss P wrote (hope she won't be offended):

"We all have had the same spark since our youth. For some the spark is blown out in the winds of life. Some of us kills ourselves in the fear of the destruction from the flames. For some lucky ones the inner fire will burn their whole lives. For some it takes a long time before that spark will turn into proper flames. -- In the end life is nothing but a flash of light that dies down fast. Only a fool would hide from it voluntarily. Don't be afraid of life."

And now we wait

I think all of us have written an application at some point. We have applied a job, to school, to exchange abroad, for a credit card... anything. And we all lie in those applications. It's either about our qualities and skills to be too good than they really are or we don't give ourselves enough credit. 

I have recently applied to study abroad and I wrote in my application that my English skills are good. For the application to be complete, I needed an official language certificate. Usually other universities - especially British - require an official language aptitude test taken which costs around 300€. But us Finns (or all Nordic) are known for our language skills in that area so they are lenient. I needed a certificate from my schools language department so I asked one of the English professors to write one. He did. And everything was "excellent" according to him. So maybe I lied in my application. In comparison, my English skills as a non-native speakers might be a tad bit better than just "good". I still think I need help with academic and formal English.

The formal English in applications is quite funny. For a humble and modest Finn writing an application to a native English speaker can be quite... well, awkward. Let's look at the few lines one can use in an application as such:

- Dear Sir/Madame or to whom it may concern

- I believe that the unique chance of studying and living abroad at one of the top ranked -- programs is a lifetime experience and could enrich and develop me as an individual and in my professional life.

- As a -- graduate, I plan to build an international career in the field of -- in the EU, so this programme will really mean a lot for my professional aspirations.

- Maturity, social poise, and the necessity to confront challenges outside a familiar support make me a suitable candidate for this position. 

- Aside from this, I am absolutely fascinated by --'s art and cultural scene and I believe that studying abroad in one of the world's most important financial centres will be very beneficial to my future career and will improve my post-graduate employment prospects.

- In closing this letter I would like to say I believe I would make an excellent ambassador of -- University because I can ride white horses backwards. I just need you to teach me how to do that with brown horses.

- With the professional skills I would acquire from the University of -- I would help Leonardo to get his Oscar which I believe he truly deserves.

- Without regular support from my family, close friends, cats and my chinchilla, I will be exposed to make new acquaintanceship if I ever dare to step out of my dorm.

- The semester in the University of -- would miraculously let me get rid of this amputation stump and heal my broken heart.

- Studying in your esteemed university would make me believe in Santa Claus again.

What ever you do, never copy any parts for your application straight from the deep debths of interwebs. Not even after you've read it carefully through, because the people reading those applications have read the same sentence a hundred times already. I at least believe in showing my personality since I'm not a machine. And now we wait for the response.