To the moon

Hello. My name is Luci and I'm icky.

Chiara Bautista

When I say icky, I don't mean disgusting. I mean icky as in loveydovey. Icky is something I say when my sister is smooching with her bf. Icky is when I see an old couple walking down the street still holding hands. Icky is when my friend tells something cute about their significant other even though they've been together forever. Icky is cute. Icky is romantic. I am icky and I like icky.

I was looking for a piece of lyrics or a poem the other day from my old hand-written little books which some has worked as diaries on the side too. Fourteen years ago I had met a man I first described as a person who fills my need of human interaction. Someone who doesn't satisfy my soul. Later on I've been complaining about him constantly. Seems like all my heartaches and worries on the verge of becoming an adult had something to do with him.

There were so many things that made me want to scream at the book "Get out, get out get out now!". But of course I can't turn back time and go tell that silly little girl how fucked up the situation was. Why I didn't understand that was not how it was supposed to go, why I didn't have the courage to leave, why I didn't have more self value... I will never understand. But I guess I had to go through that to become the person I am today. We all have to grow up somehow and that relationship was my way of doing it.

The contrast the diaries casts for this day is amazing. I'm finally in a relationship where I'm valued by both sides. There are so much feelings, good all around. We can talk about anything. We can joke about things and we both laugh. He does these sweet little things and I like to think I do the same for him. I can feel it, the feeling is almost touchable.

Though it is too early (I know what you cynics are thinking over there), I can tell this is a good relationship. A healthy relationship. And I wonder why is it so hard to recognise one from all the crap out there. I wish I could make a list of signs here, just like in the earlier post about the signs how to tell he loves you. But relationships are tricky and people are so different. Something works for others, something doesn't.

It's about the feeling, how the other person makes you feel when you're around them and when you're apart. If you write in your diary "he makes me feel so insignificant and dumb", the relationship might not the one. If you have to work out artificial rules for your relationship, then you might be screwed. I don't mean the occasional who does the dishes or a monthly date night out, but if you want to start regulating something the other person does on a regular basis... Not a good sign.

There are no shortcuts and sometimes a relationship can feel like a drag. That doesn't mean it's necessarily doomed. But if you constantly feel the relationship doesn't give anything good for you, if it makes you lose yourself and makes you feel bad about yourself, if you constantly question why are you together, then it might be the time to let go. I'm not saying you deserve more, because some of us are naturally pieces of shit, but it will probably work better with someone else. Or alone. Being alone can be satisfying too.

I know this relationship I'm in is going to last from two things. One, is how he makes me feel. He has managed to open few tiny doors in me that I thought were shut forever. My viking left to raid coasts overseas for a month, and when he was leaving, he sounded very worried about me. As if I would miss him so much I couldn't function. Unheard of! No one has ever been worried about me like that. It's supposed to be the other way around. Since I'm made out of rocks emotionally and ice flows through my veins.

But he is right. And apparently I'm made out of marshmallow and cotton candy. It's only been few days but I can already feel the upcoming four weeks weighing heavy on my shoulders. To ease my longing I hang post-its on my wall for everyday he's gone that I can take out one at a time. Having something physical and visual to remind me that he is not gone forever hopefully helps. I also decided to write one thing I like about him on every post-it and I will probably give them to my viking when he returns from his travels.

The second one is how he treats me. I think it was our third date that he gave me a little Darth Vader toy to add to my "collection". I have around ten stuffed animals on my couch's back rest. That wasn't the only collection he wanted to contribute to. Let's just say he is not at all against me having a file full of dick pics.

So far every time a guy I like has asked me what I want for a present, I've answer the moon. I have never gotten that, which I guess is a good thing since I've heard rumours that having a moon is quite crucial for Earth to function as it should. Asking for the moon is a similar joke as to ask for world peace as a present.

Now. What is icky is that this christmas someone actually tried. I think this is closest one can get giving the moon without actually going to get the moon from the sky. My viking found a jeweller who makes jewelry from moonstones. The picture doesn't do it justice. He also bought me a piece of land on the moon. How. Cute. Is. That!

But I don't mean that he treats me well because he brings me presents and tries to keep me fat with chocolate. It's also how he helps me with everything I need help with - even when I don't even want his help. It's in how he drives through the night after a long shift just to get to sleep next to me. It's in his way of asking how my day was and being actually interested.

How he is reminds me why I was with my ex's in the first place. He reminds me of the good qualities they had that were slowly getting buried under the sand of time. My viking seems to have "best of both worlds" combining the things I've liked in men before and at least so far I haven't yet noticed what the downside of him is.

Today you can choose the song of the day yourself. I suggest picking one of these options:
Savage Garden - To the moon and back
Frank Sinatra - Fly me to the moon
King Harvest - Dancing in the moonlight
Mike Oldfield - Moonlight shadow
R.E.M. - Man on the moon
(It's not like they have much to do with the topic, except that they are songs that mentions the moon. But choosing yourself is important here because you can decide how the moon makes you feel.)

The Viking is away for the 14th, but don't you worry, I have no intentions of skipping Valentine's Day Extravaganza. Maybe it's even more important this year. Since I miss him. And since I'm finally in love. And I think he is the one.

But don't tell him I said that.

Because admitting it would be like admitting defeat in the world of rocks and ice.