How can we be friends?

I have this friend. A guy.

At one point we thought there might be more between us than just friendship.

Before I go on, I like to point out that this is totally my side of the story.

After a while of really getting to know each other, having fun and flirting, I knew it wouldn't work. He didn't. It was in early stage so nothing too damaging happened but I have a feeling he carries some kind of resentment towards me for not... I don't know what. Falling, maybe?

At first it was okay. He wanted to keep everything as they were.

I couldn't because it wasn't the same anymore. So I took some distance. He didn't appreciate it and we ended up creating far more drama than the situation required.

So I moped. That's what I do. I burst first, then pout, then crawl back. We talked and everything seemed to be fine. Not good, but fine.

Then I made the mistake of telling him I might be interested in someone else. And again I didn't take his reaction very well.

Lately I've noticed that he never takes the initiative to contact me. He barely says hi to me anymore. I asked him if he was mad, but he says he's not, he is just busy.

I also get the feeling he doesn't really appreciate the new friends I've made. He seems jealous even though I try to tell him that no one could take his place as a friend of mine.

I talked about the situation with my mom because it really bothers me. She said jealousy is something I shouldn't keep around in my life and maybe it would be better to let this friendship go.

So now I'm in a cross-road. Do I let us drift apart, do I tell him to piss off with his tantrums or do I fight about it and wait until the scars of affection has finally faded away?

What is friendship? What makes us friends to each other? Is it worth our time as it is, or should it be something special? Can we be friends with someone just for the sake of being friends?

How much are we willing to do for a friendship?

And the age old question: can guys and gals really be friends?

Selfish selfish

If I were to make a new years resolution, it probably would be that to stop judging, analysing and watching people. I should stop reading between the lines. I hate that I can't keep things casual and light. I have to poke my nose to stuff that's none of my business. And even when I can sense people I don't even know very well that they need time or don't want to talk about their baggage, I still need to point it out.

Because it's easier for me. I don't like tiptoeing around subjects.

Selfish.

I'm not claiming I can do deep probing on other people's lives. But I guess I have a good sense on what people say or leave unsaid. It's not very hard for me to figure out persons age and gender from just chatting with them for a while. Not that I'm always right either, I'm no psychic or a soothsayer.

It works the other way around too. For some reason people like to tell me stuff. I remember when I was in my early teens, people started to talk to me on buses and trains telling me their life story. I didn't ask any of them. I'm not very extrovert when it comes to public transportation so I would've rather stick with my own thoughts.

The most horrible part is that I can hear people's inner selves yelling "I'm lonely, I need your company" or "I'm very sad and in the verge of depression, I need help" or "I'm mad, I need time" or "I don't really like you, don't talk to me". And what do I do?

Nothing.

I just point them out. I don't know how to help anyone. I can hardly help myself.

Sometimes I sit there and stare at my phone, knowing I should call my friends and ask how they are. But I don't because I don't want to hear the words between the lines. So I just sit there and wait for them to call me, wait for them to say straight up what's bothering them. So I wont point out their thoughts before they have realised them themselves. So I wont make things more complicated than they already are.

I guess that is why I like to stay home so much. So I can suppress my own inner thoughts by music and not hear the shouting and screaming of others problems.

Selfish.

I can't make the promise, but if I could, I would stop listening what people say with their tone of voice and actions, and start listening what they are actually saying and just stick with that.

Once I had a heart

(I actually wrote this a while back, but because I didn't want to cause any trouble I'm posting this now. Excuse my emo-ness, I was pretty upset then.) 

Human heart is, metaphorically speaking, a marvellous thing. One person, one heart, can suffer quite a lot in one lifetime. We feel abandonment, we suffer in love, we lose in games of life, we're buried in the loss and mourning for others.

But how much pain is too much? When does that point come up when we can't take anymore? What happens if we just can't get out of the darkness? What happens when we lose all hope? How much actual sorrow can we bare?

I'm not talking about long term depression here. I'm talking about sudden incidents in life. The ones we can't change or effect in any way. Even though we wish we could and we're left feeling that we should have done something.

How many wars can one person go through? How many loved ones can one person lose? How many times can one be betrayed or cheated? How many times can one be faced with bad news before the soul just shatters into pieces that can't be glued together again? What do you do when you can't sleep at night because you don't want to wake up for another day with that much sadness in your heart?

Today I saw that feeling in my friends eyes. And there was nothing I could have said or do to make it better. She's been through so much already and it just breaks my heart to see her suffer. I know she will get through this eventually because she is strong. In the time being I can just stand there helplessly and hope my hugs are warm enough.

Starter

This is an old post from January 8th 2013.


"If there's a need to try WoW out, it's always better to try the starter version than play on a friends account. With starter you get a free account that you can upgrade to a better one later. Playing a friends account can get your friend banned and if you ever want to upgrade and play 4realz the characters you've made are left behind. Unless you can make your friend pay 20€ for the transfer and I think that's when it's on sale.

Starter is how it's named, get you starting. It's also free for a reason. It includes a lot of restrictions, some of them just mainly trying to block the goldseller from using free accounts. I made a list here of all the restrictions:

- level cap at 20, after which you get gold from all the quests and not XP
- not able to use auction house
- can't join a guild or form one
- can't use realID or b-tag
- over 20 levels higher players can't see your /say (this is very nasty especially for RP'ers) this is information that is not shared by Blizzard, so we ended up testing it
- you can only whisper to those who have whispered you or have added you on their friend list
- you can't form a party, but you can join one
- you can't trade that means no mail
- maximum of 10 gold
- no use of the global channels

But:
- free to play to level 20
- no talent, skill or any that kind of restrictions
-  all the classes and races available to try except the last expansions
- dungeons, bg's and even with the random feature
- riding available and enough moneycap to buy a mount
- the characters will remain after upgrading

In battlegrounds you are stuck with the lvl24 twinks and that can be pretty unmotivational but PvP is won by skill, not with levels. A starter can twink some too and practise makes purrfect. I've heard whining how it's so unfair that the starters are put with the paying players that has advantage but I think it's only fair for the gamemakers to favour the paying customers. I don't see why would those who play free should have bracket of their own when they have locked their XP by choosing not to pay. WoW costs about 15€ and that includes the basic game and first two expansions and also a month of gametime. That makes the level cap to be 80 and that's a lot to play with very little money. Only Cata and MoP has to be bought separately and of course gametime that's about 10€/month.

More information about starter here.

Happy hunting!"

Some of these things are already outdated but I don't have more current knowledge about them. I think Cata is now included in the basic pack. It'll be cheap very soon when WoD comes out.

Feel free to comment if you have more current information about starter accounts!

Risky business

Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick!

Now that that's out of the way, how about we talk a little more about those mop handles.

Why I keep coming to this is because seems to me this is not that clear to all guys (or girls either). And I feel it's important to know this stuff to have a happy and healthy life. Well, sex-life mostly.

According to a Finnish sexual health site (seksuaaliterveysklinikka) the average length of a penis is little over 9 cm when resting. With an erection it's little less than 15 cm. The girth is not that researched but according to the few studies while resting it's little less than 10 cm and while hard 11 and a half.

The writer of the site comes to the conclusion that men think the size is much bigger than it actually is on average. The length of the female counterpart is from 6,5 cm to 12 cm. Luckily women's parts have the ability to stretch during the act, but a very large penis can be troublesome and even cause pain.

If you hear someone saying "size doesn't matter", tell them to piss off. If your junk is too big to enter the safe heaven, you're gonna have a bad time. To all guys worrying about this stuff I'd like to say: don't worry about the size, worry about how you use it. With a large one you have to be gentle to not hurt your partner. With a small one... well I don't know. Never seen so small one that it would cause problems. And according to the sexual health site, a very short penis is quite rare. An average penis is the best penis, size wise.

Sex is not all about penetration. Actually it is very little of that. I think it was Dr. Phil who once said sex is 10% of a relationship if there is some and 90% if there isn't. So I'm not underestimating the value of sex here. What I'm trying to say is your partner is not a mind reader in very likely odds. If it hurts, make it clear. If it doesn't feel like anything, don't fake it.

Most of all I want to point out there should be nothing wrong talking about sex and stuff around it. Don't be ashamed especially when talking to your partner. Tell about your experiences, insecurities, likes and dislikes. Find a person who shares your views on sex, don't give it to someone who thinks you're weird. I'm still no wise man, but according to my experience - when it comes to bed stuff - there's not many things that are really fetishes. Normal people tend to have normal desires, so even if you think you're weird in some way, you're probably wrong.

To me, a person who likes to do it missionary style behind closed curtains only in the marital bed is weird. But yet again weird doesn't necessarily equal wrong.

So... umm... happy humping!

Sweet dreams

I'm what they call here in Finland a "chill cat". That means I get cold easily and I usually wear gazillion items of clothing on, especially in winter. I always go to bed with socks on but I usually wake up without them. Only when I sleep I feel warm enough and I've been called a radiator by those people who I've let under the same blanket. But that happens very rarely because sleeping is very important to me and I don't like to share it with anyone. I need to roll and twist and turn and kick off my socks in peace. If I was a sitcom character in one certain show I would go LUCI DOESN'T SHARE SLEEP!

This morning I woke up with one sock on and another missing. Now I know how alcoholics feels. I apparently had a great night in my sleep twisting and rolling so much (or nightmares) but by waking up, I couldn't remember anything anymore.

Lately I haven't slept very well. I could blame my expired game time, but I think I'm stressing about school more. I can't seem to correct my sleeping pattern either: I was up until five AM last night. Or well, this morning. And when I sleep, I dream.

I think it has something to do with the stages of sleep. Apparently I don't sleep that deeply, I don't fall into the relaxing dreamless deep sleep and just hang around in the light stage of sleep with all these dreams.

I very rarely see horror-movie-nightmares. Not so long ago I did have a scary dream about zombies, but mostly I see psychological nightmares. Ones that I am in danger, but not immediate danger. Just that I know it's coming and it can go on and on. Or I see people and places I haven't seen in a long time. Many times in my dreams I go back to where I grew up. The places and the people might look different from what they are but I can still recognise them.

Best example of a nightmare of mine is a dream I can still remember very vividly. I was about 9 or 10 years old. In my dream me and my father were sitting in the family car. I knew something was off because I was sitting in the front. My mother was inside the house which was my grandmothers place. My father got more restless as the time went by and then he decided to just leave without my mother. We drove off and saw lots of people in a yard of some apartment buildings. We stopped to ask what was all that gathering for and they told us there was a house on fire not far off. And the house was my grandmothers house where we had left my mother.

I don't fly in my sleeps, I don't have troubles running or anything like that. But still I've once woken up from a nightmare by sitting up and gasping for air. In one dream I knew I had to shout for help because I was being carried out of the house by a kidnapper and everything went into slow motion. My jar felt like modelling clay or jam. It was so hard and I really had to fight to scream, and when I did I, woke up my boyfriend at the time. I didn't yell out loud, but you can imagine what kind of noise a person makes who tries to yell without being able to open his/her mouth. ( I really hate all that he/she stuff. Couldn't you englishspeakers just choose one word and we can all be equal!)

Anything can turn into a nightmare in my head. I don't watch horror movies because that's a guaranteed nightmare. It's amazing how ones subconsciousness can remember stuff that the person doesn't. Like a picture you've seen somewhere, a word you've heard, a feeling that has passed by as fast as it came, all that can find their way into the dreamworld. They say we need sleep for letting our subconsciousness figure out stuff we can't figure out when we're awake.

But what if you have a dream about the same thing for nights and nights again? What does that mean? Does it mean if you die now, you'll be left on the planet to do some vicious haunting because there's something unsolved in your mind? Is our subconsciousness more witty than us in solving problems in our life? Or do we just find a compromise in our dreams and slowly let go of the thing that was bothering us?

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

"I'd give a kingdom for one more day as a king of your world. If I was a king I would give away my kingdom. Treasures and a crown wouldn't mean a thing if I only had a heart."

That's bits and pieces of lyrics from Sonata Arctica's song "Kingdom for a heart".

Listening to it made me think I've never loved anyone so badly I would give away my kingdom. Especially for just one more day. Is there even such kind of love? Does it exist? Have you ever talked to a person who says he has loved so deeply he is willing to give everything to get that feeling back? And do people really want to give their everything to feel love or to feel loved? I think there's a big difference.

For most time of my life I've said I have 52 personalities and then few jokers here and there to spice things up. Lately I've narrowed it down to few and I've compared them to my WoW characters. There's Penny, my banker alt and the leader of the guild. She is smart, organised, shares her motherly love around and ponders about current state the world is in. There's Luci, the RP character, who is girly, giggly, bubbly, over thinking and up for having fun. There's Dan the man, already deleted char, who makes pervy jokes and calls everyone a dude or sugar muffin and whose best pick up line is "wanna wrestle?". And then there's Carnation, the hooded Death Knight, who is beautiful but sits in the dark corner, enjoying the gloomy shadows and listens to Sonata Arctica.

Most often I think I'm Penny, but the change can be sudden or for short while. It can also be something in between, like last night when I had a chat with a guy who threatened to tie me in a bed and tickle me. It's so hard to control, when Dan wants to make jokes back, Luci wants to delightfully giggle and Penny just yells that this conversation has gone too far!

I don't know if everyone has such clear boarders on the personalities, I guess not. And I think many of you sit there thinking that it's not for me either. Penny, Luci, what ever, same person still. But to me, in my head, they are easy to divide. And no, I'm not schizophrenic. I know all those personalities are the same person and they are who makes me me.

I also consider myself a mix up between Belle and the Beast. I sit alone in my cottage, sometimes too scared to look in the mirror and thinking everyone hates me. Haven't had random bursts of anger in a long time, but I know the ability to claw a few paintings is somewhere in there. Rawr!

But I'm also Belle, the brown haired girl who likes to sing, thinks herself to be different, reads books over and over again and thinks most of the town's people are idiots. Also stupid enough to go after a person dear to her to a deep dark forest and to offer herself to be locked up for ultimate sacrifice. And then fall for the guy who holds the key to the prison...

Also that library gives me the biggest ladyboner ever!

The biggest question however is:

For who could ever learn to love a beast. Or a Belle (other than Gaston).

For who could ever learn to love a Beastelle?

Captains log, day 1

My game time expired this morning and because I couldn't sleep last night, I didn't wake up early enough to see it end. That means I better get more time before my mails get sent back to the sender. And the sender would be the auction house. And that sure would be waste of pennies.

I promised you guys a longer post later, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get to finish that one. I think about it at night when I try to sleep but when the morning comes, all the ideas has flown away like birds facing the coldness of winter. Or when I sit down to write them, they don't come out as I thought.

Instead of those things I've also been thinking about games we play. When my friends asks me if they should say this and that to a person they like or send them a message on facebook or ask them to befriend them in any social media platform or when they ask me what did some person mean by saying that and saying so, I usually encourage my friends to do as they please and stop playing games. Life is so much simpler if everyone would just do as they want when it comes to liking someone. And again this doesn't exclude friendships.

If you want to be someones friend in facebook, just add them.
If you want to tell someone you like them, just go ahead and do it. What's the worst thing could happen?
You want to blame someone for not being there for you when you needed help, again, people are not mind readers, just ask for help.

Do what you feel like doing. If it doesn't harm you or others around you, you'll be much happier living easy and simpler life by not playing games.

So much easier said than done, am I right?

You can keep asking and asking, but if the other person answers differently than he (or she, I'm still not going to do that crap) acts, which should we trust the most? Or what if the person you ask keeps changing his answer or actions? When comes the point that it's better to protect yourself from future harm and just cut them out of your life? How do you know when the person is truly worth all the drama he causes in your head?

I tend to keep my eyes and ears open all the time. That makes me play much more games that I would like to. And I know how irritating it is, because I have a friend who does the same. Everything that comes out of his mouth is intended, it means something and your words and actions are being monitored and valued. Usually only way to pass is being honest. He can smell if I try to hide something and is very persistent digging what ever that is out.

In friendships it's easier to let the little reactions slip and still like the other person, but is it so easy when it comes to people you likelike? You wish they would react in some way to your actions or answers or questions, but what if they don't? How many times you are willing to play the game before you give up?

I'm missing my WoW friends already even though I can reach most of them through FB, Skype or Steam. It's so weird to miss people you've never actually met. But I guess that shows the virtual connection can be strong too. Don't underestimate the power of minds connecting when it comes to virtual worlds or internet. Because this is truly the place where your words means more than your age, weight or style.