What a strange ride...

I'm such a geek that I sometimes just have to laugh at myself. I did something I thought I never would. I asked a guy out. In a very geeky way and I'm rather ashamed of myself. No wonder he said no... No matter how much being turned down bums me out, I can't be but a bit proud of myself. I finally did it! Maybe next time I'll do it in person though :D

2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.

I thought I would go through this year through the songs I've been listening to most.

This song, Polarkreis' Allein Alene is a mix of languages and was linked to me my then new friend. We just celebrated our one year anniversary the other day and I can't emphasise enough how important he has been to me this year. We've had many giggles together but we've also cried together. There's not much I can't tell him. It's weird to call someone almost a decade younger one of your utmost bestest friends but he really is that to me. And before you ask, yes, we know through WoW.

I've come in terms with my nerdiness. Or geekiness. I don't know which I am. I'm not a machine geek, nor an anime nerd, but I'm definitely not.. an unnerd. I'm a lot more than that and sometimes I'm afraid people forget the other things I am but in the end I don't think about it too much. It does eat a bit my inner smexeyness, but then again... haven't met a nerd who hadn't liked me just the way I am. This song also made me realise that I'm not so serious as I've always thought. There's a lot of laughter in me towards very silly things and it usually gets out with fellow geeks. I think I was way too serious when I was around twenty and I'm quite happy to have gotten some life in me.

This is something I never get over. As much as I've grown in the past year and really got to know myself, I still have a constant fear of being misunderstood. In my youth it was that people wouldn't understand my jokes or what I'm trying to say or overall who I am or how I am. Now it has toned down, but it's still in the back of my mind. That's why I like the virtual connection more than being face-to-face. It's easier to let the inner voice be heard when it's not mixed with the physical awkwardness that sometimes so annoyingly takes over. It's also a problem when communicating in other languages; I can be quite witty in Finnish and I have to try really hard to reach the same levels in English.

What I've also realised is that I'm not like other girls. I speak more openly about my sexuality and other things. I don't grow old like other people around me. I don't look my age, I don't act my age, I don't live like I should at my age, I don't like or want the same things. I'm not the jealous kind, I'm overly patient with the people I love, sometimes I think I love differently too. I don't like to cuddle. I don't mind foul language. There are so many things. When I was a teenager I was so sure that all the people are so different from me. Then I learnt they are all the same, we are all the same. And now, lately, I've started to feel like a stranger again. I wonder if it was a short moment in time and age that I was like the rest and now it has passed. Will I ever reach that point again?

The feeling that has gotten the better of me more than once this year has been the "why can't you see we would be good together?". I like you, but you like somebody else. And you like me, but I like somebody else. And it's so frustrating to be interested in someone and then someone and then someone and they are never the one. Three dates is the longest I've seen someone because they just haven't been the one I'm looking for. And only one of them has been quite mutual agreement that together we wouldn't be complete. I get sad when I look at that side of my year. It makes me feel old. It makes me feel so goddamn lonely. But as long as it doesn't make me desperate, I will survive the waves of frustration. Sometimes I just feel like I was promised more than I got.

This might sound weird but in the past year my self confidence has grown a lot. For example I've been so ashamed of my booty. "I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross." It required few compliments and some pics from good angles but I made it there: to the other side of self shame. I'm never gonna be skinny and I would probably get cut half in the middle if I was anyways. It's not just about acceptance for being what you are and not trying to forcefully change it, it's also liking your own body. As long as I'm not obese, why not like what I wear when I party with Adam and Eve.

I haven't lost my metal side. It has been hiding, but it's still there. This is not a happy song, but damn that it has a good beat! I noticed I'm not young anymore when one day I was home moshing and I couldn't move my head the next day. It was totally worth it though! I cannot help but move to music especially when it has such a beat. I bought a pair of leather pants this year and I've started to wear more of clothes that I think looks good but others might think looks a bit weird. I've felt I've went back to my roots this year but without overdoing it. I'm happy that I've found other things I like in life but it has also been nice to notice there are somethings that doesn't change in me. There's always gonna be a hint of darkness, hint of anger, hint of sadness and hint of metal in me. Always.

Overall this has been a good year. The biggest part of the goodness is because of the guild and the guildies. I've had wonderful trips across Europe and I've met some of those wonderful people in real life. Still have many to meet but they've still been there for me without being physically present. Maybe the year to come will give me opportunities to meet them and maybe even more awesome people. I have felt myself useful when I could've been there for others but I've also feel I've failed couple of times. I will learn from those mistakes and in the years to come try to make up for them. It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.

Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night  bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.

I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.

Only couple of dozen hours left of this year. Oh boy how many dickies I've seen...

Guys, if you didn't last year when the countdown started, this year just kiss the girl. Sha la la la.

(btw. it's 5am so if this post didn't make any sense, it's totally not my fault)

Brains over boobs

Karen in Will&Grace described her ideal date "Someone who likes kittens and the hardcore bondage scene". We all have conscious and unconscious preferences of what we're looking for on a date. At least we know what we don't want.

Today I saw on my FB feed an updated relationship status. A guy I went for a date little over a month ago was announcing he is in a serious relationship with this cute chick. It's serious if it's in FB, ofc. Good for him! was my first thought. Then the second thought came. The nasty little snake squirmed in to my mind. Fuck him and his happiness.

What is it with loveydovey stuff? I'm completely content with my life. Happy even. But when I see someone sharing the love with that special significant other, I get jealous and angry that I don't have that in my life. Would be nice to have someone in my life that I could share special moments, introduce him to my circles as a meaningful person and do ickylove stuff with. Even though I've been enjoying the idea that if I ever again start dating someone seriously, I would like to still live on my own. I don't like to live alone and that's why flatmates are working so well with me, but living with the person you love and make love... I just wouldn't want to bring too much everyday life to that.

But to achieve some kind of loveydovey-fuck-that-happiness, one needs to go on a date. And it's not just about what you're looking for, it's also what the other person is looking for.

It's unbelievably hard to get those two Is it better -games to work with each other. And if you find a person you like and who likes you back then there's also the are you in same place in life.

Or when everything else matches up, your friends don't approve.

(I've been waiting for so long to use this one.)

When I was going to the last date that I had, few of my friends kept saying "Luci, not on the first date, okay?". I guess my reputation exceeds me. And let me tell you, talking about it doesn't make me do it (all the time).

Why you shouldn't have sex on the first date is pretty simple. It excludes the anticipation. And also sex complicates everything. If you go on a date with a stranger, have sex with them and then try to figure out what you are to each other... My brain hurts even from thinking about that scenario.

So my advice to the single people out there is: Go on dates. You're not gonna meet anyone by sitting at home. Don't put out on the first date. Then you at least have something to look forward on the second or third or maybe thirtieth date. Also, always choose a public place. There are many ways to stay safe out there, not just by bringing condoms.

Can I crash and burn on you?

Online dating has many horrible things. First of all you have to be very good at reading between the lines to get any sense what kind of person you are getting to know at. Secondly you make judgement by how well the other person photographs and with Tinder the dating world is even more about looks. Thirdly there's the horrendous moment when you have to meet a complete stranger and awkwardly try to come up with something to talk about or to do. And then lastly the point when either one doesn't really feel anything and how to let someone down easy.

I've been on too many blind dates compared to my quite shy and girl-next-door character. I always agree on the date if it happens in a public place and I try to keep a quick getaway plan in mind if it doesn't go well. So far all the dates I've been on has been okay. Not perf but decent enough. Most of them are just going for drinks or coffee but once this guy took me to a fleamarket. I've told about guys that haven't really fit me, but now there's something new in the air...

I've been chatting with this guy who seems too good to be true. He had laughed at EVERY joke I've made, and as you know dear reader, I'm not even that funneh. He has brown button eyes, my one weakness. He has as dirty mind as I do, but isn't after just one thing. And I know this because he wants to take me out for ice cream. ICE freaking CREAM! In winter. Who would do that? How did he knew I LOOOOOVE ice cream?!

 

So I'm obviously excited. More excited than I've ever been about a blind date. In my head there's this little loud person yelling "There's gotta be something wrong with him! You're not that lucky!". Maybe he is shorter than I am. Maybe he has weird ticks. Maybe he is a total misongynist. Maybe he never washes up and has a filthy hair. Maybe he is a slacker that can't take care of himself. Or worse: he is a momma's boy. Or maybe he is an alcoholic. Or worst case scenario: he would be perfect and he wouldn't like me.

I already told him my most embarrasing stuffz. Like that I play WoW or that I like Star Trek more than Star Wars. And he still wants to meet me. Weird, ehh? Do you ever get that tinkling feeling that something is about to happen? And you know it's gonna be good, at least for a moment. For me this is something like that. I'm pretty certain that now I'm going to crash and burn.

This may or may not be it for me. Good bye cruel world! It was nice knowing you!

(don't worry, you can read about my horrible date in the next post and listen to me whine more about single life in the future)

(and weirdly enough, the time I've been single, I've never been happier and more balanced in my life. do I even want to go on a potential date and ruin it all?)

(maybe I should just chicken out...)

(haha, as if I would pass on ice cream!)

Wink wonk

Lately I've had this awful wink wonk feeling. I feel like I'm bursting of sexual energy and there's not much places to put it. I don't mean jumping on someone (this time). I mean that I'm horribly flirtatious. And I feel like sending nudes to someone. I won't, but I feel like it.

There is few guys in my life I want to be flirtatious towards. I told my friends about one hawt guy and the first reaction was not to know more about him but "Ask him out!". GULP. I don't think I've ever really asked anyone out on a date. Like on a date-date. Like so that they've known that I was asking them on a date.

That seriously describes me perfectly.

I might not have asked anyone out, so I haven't made the first big step. But I have made most of the first little steps before. And I feel like I've done more work in my past to make things happen and move forward. Maybe it's what everyone feels, but I've grown tired of it and would like to be whisked away. It yet again comes down to the want to be wanted.

I don't think I easily develop a crush on anyone and when I do it's more of the everlasting kind of likeness. There are few guys that I've found worth of winkwonking for a decade now. Or even more. Sitting next to a person like that can be... burning.

Sometimes I would like to say "Hey, you know. I've liked you since we were teenagers. If you'd kiss me, you'd make my year." and I would want the person not feel pressured or creeped out. It's a compliment. You don't have to do anything about it, I just want to tell you this story of me liking you, because you're awesome, not because I want to have your babies right here, right now, and without practise.

But I can't say that to people. They would think I'm weird and creepy. I have to wait and if we ever get past the awkward part, I might be able to tell them that. But with some people it never even gets to the "let's hug because we're friends" -part. Some people will always be distant. Admired from the distance. I like to think someone does that to me too. Sitting there somewhere and thinking "damn we could be great together one day". Not today, but someday. Maybe.

I wish someone would tell me if I'm horrible at flirting. I know I'm way too straightforward with my innuendos, but that's just how I am. It has nothing to do with flirting because I'm a foul mouth every day. Though I think it might be emphasised when I'm winkwonking someone.

It's a weird combination to be overly romantic and oozing out sexuality. Or well, words stuffed with sexuality.

It's late and I'm tired and I don't really have anything to say, but I have all these cool pics with nice words in them so... yeah.

I can't make that one bigger so you just have to click it. I know. It's so much work. But it's worth it. Trust me. Or you can click this.

Girls are confusing, aren't they?

Guys are just as confusing! I read this site and even though it's super cheesy to read flirting tips, there were good points in it. Like complimenting a girl on her hands. That way you can easily break the touch barrier. So now I know how to hit on a girl. But what the hell am I supposed to with a guy? How does one flirt with a guy?

Lemme marry you, pls

Have you ever listened a happy upbeat song, felt like dancing and then started to listen to the lyrics and realised it might not be such a happy song after all. Like the song Happy I cannot listen to anymore because it's not really very happy song. Another example would be this:

It's not about "I have waited all my life for this moment and now I can finally marry the most beautiful woman in the whole world". Oh no. It's more like "damn chica, we're so wasted and I'm bored so let's hitch, pls, and regret it in the morning".

But at least it's heterosexual. The sanctity of marriage, and whatnot. Ya know...

I don't know if you've seen this pic yet.

Like few people in the social media has commented on this: we must be doing something right if we get this reaction.

Though we're not there yet. The legislation passed one vote and it is pretty surely gonna pass the whole thing, but I wouldn't jizz in my pants just yet. Registration of a relationship (what a bullshit term) has been legal in Finland for a while but now the people wants all sexualities to have same rights for marriage.

"What about the sanctity of marriage!", the christian cavemen yell. I don't really get that point. How will your marriage be less anything if other people can get married too. What does it matter what sex the other people are? It's not like food you distribute to all and it would taste the same to everyone. "I think your chocolate tastes bad and that's why my chocolate tastes bad too!" *rolls eyes* When asked why can't other than heterosexual couples get married one member of parliament said "Because they just can't". Waw, my goddaughter who hasn't even started school yet could argue better than you, sir. Your input to this country is indispensable.

"What about the children!" and this is a bit better argument. I'm pretty sure it's already proved that the children of gay couples have it good because they are mostly wanted children. "The kids will be bullied at school!", probably will yes. But don't you think we could make a change on how the kids view the world by showing them that it's o.k. to be different? If we accept, it would be easier to our children to accept too. This might take some casualties and that's why I think it's almost a valid concern towards the new legislation.

Bad people can get married. Good people can get married. My future (probably) heterosexual marriage won't be any less because someone else gets the basic human rights to love another people. To legally love their spouse and their children. Why is that too much to ask?

If there is a god, and that god is good, he/she has probably had something to do with different sexualities. The free will you were given was not to harm others but to spread the love. I can't believe that people who think a book is holy that's halfly about a man who did everything he could to break the social norms in order to spread the love to everywhere still somehow can say that the same book is against equal marriage rights. Haven't you learnt anything in the past, I don't know... two thousand years?!

/endofmorninggrumpiness

Love is to lay yourself open to loss

We all are scared of something. Some of us are scared of simple things. Common things that are quite easy relate to. Like big dogs, heights, or like I am afraid of the dark. I've been afraid of the dark for as long as I remember. When I was about 10y old we moved to a new house that was at least twice as big as the old one. I had my very own room for the first time in my life. And what a huge room it was! For a bed at first I had a couch that could be opened to a double bed. I kept it in the middle of the room because I was scared of the unknown space around me in the night. That was when I started to learn how to sleep in the dark alone.

When it's dark enough I feel the panic rising inside me. I look around nervously, I can't breath properly because the scary hand of darkness is squeezing my chest and I feel like crying. I'm constantly afraid something or someone will sneak up on me and my imagination starts to run wild. It especially happens if I'm walking alone in the woods or inside a big building alone (good thing I work in a huge museum, that's not scary at all...). Last time my friends did a prank on me was seven or eight years ago when we had been barbecuing in the woods Finn style and I was walking back to urban area with someone. Two guys jumped out from the shadows and scared the living daylights out of me. I started crying. The guys were so dreadfully sorry that I couldn't be mad at them. After that I've told people how easily I get scared and make sure they understand that it's in no way funny how I react.

When I walk home at night in the dark when the streets are empty I take precautions actions. I walk in the middle of the road, I stay in lighted areas if I can, I stop playing music through my ear buds and I keep my phone in my hand. When I dress up for the night out I keep in mind the journey I have to take to get back home too. So no high heels if I don't have another pair of shoes with me. I try not to look back but I can't help it because it wouldn't be the first time I would be followed. Every time I read about "female privilege" I remember the fear I go through for being the gender I am. I'm not saying it has everything to do with what hangs or doesn't hang between my legs or even the most of it, but it does have something to do with that fear.

Not all of us are afraid of the common things or maybe they are afraid of more intangible things.The fear of being alone or maybe it's just the opposite. I knew too many people who are afraid of commitment (most of my ex-boyfriends btw). What ever it is - as they say - we can't let it control our lives. There's three type of people those who are rohkea (brave), those who are uhkarohkea (reckless and rash, dumb brave if you may, literal translation "threat brave") and those who are between them. I'm usually on the sissy side and I blame my imagination for it.

I can imagine how badly everything can turn out and that gives me cold feet. The good part is that because I have such a vivid imagination I can also imagine a good outcome through any kind of trouble. That makes me a bit rash and the only steam to power my bravery. Mostly I chicken out in physical things because I imagine the worst kind of pain to be the outcome, but in relationships I'm more keen to try how things go. "It's always a risk to love", as Peter McWilliams said. "What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does."

I talked with a friend of mine today on the phone for an hour. She moved to the other side of the world couple of years ago and it's always such a pleasure to hear from her. We ended up talking how she knew a woman that was beaten to death just last month (Laajasalon murha) just because the lady went to defend dogs that her murderer was beating. After my friend overseas heard this had happened she saw someone doing something minorly bad and she was about to go intervene when she thought she might get beaten up for that. My other friend who surprisingly ended up in police academy once ran after an armed robber. One of my ex's once went to break up a fight and ended up with a broken bone in his arm, surgery and five screws to keep the bone intact.

In scary situations we all act differently. And our actions depends on our life experience. I think the more experience we have, the more easily we act with bravery. Those who have more certainty of surviving the outcome can act more brave. Then again, if enough bad things happen or so bad things that you're left scarred is a whole other story.

It takes a lot of courage to make changes in your life. Having a horrible or unsatisfying job can feel like a trap, but uncertain future seems more gloomy. A bad relationship may seem to be a better solution than being alone. Sometimes I look around people close to me and I pity them. I hope they would find the courage to change their lives because I know they deserve better. But happiness doesn't usually drop down from sky or knock on your door. You have to work for your happiness and make choices that are scary as fuck. The one thing I've learnt in my years on this earth is that things always end up fine. Better even than they were. I can't walk up to people and tell them they need to make this or this change in their life. I can only support them on their decision and suggest the one I think is a better option.

But I wish I could tell them that there's nothing worse in life than fear. Fear that paralyses won't bring you happiness. There's a risk you will lose everything but there's always a chance that you get what you wanted. You have friends and family you can depend on. If push comes to shove, there's always someones couch you can hog for three months and it might not seem ideal at that time, in the end you're glad you made a brave move. A move for yourself because from time to time it's okay to think of yourself and depend on other people. As so many has depended on you so far.

I used so many of the good quotes I've been stashing that I don't know what am I gonna do when the next time I feel like writing. All the pics without text are pictures I use as wallpapers.

Whoah, this was a heavy topic. Here's the gag relief. It's a "poem" (again) I scribbled in Turkey before I passed out in the 10h bus ride. It's not even a poem, it doesn't even rhyme. But sharing is scaring, so enjoy my horrible penmanship.

You are not like poison
because you are not killing me
You are not an infection
because you are not spreading
Being with you without being yours
is like being rotten to the core

Life is livable but your presence
is an everlasting reminder
of what I could never have

When I look at the barren hills
I miss your snowy mountains
When I bathe in in the sunlight
I miss your sea wind
When I smile to strangers
I miss your hospitality

You are not my everything
But you are everywhere in me
Everywhere with me

I feel whole
With you I feel more
I am more

Against your shoulder I want to lean on
Against your skin I want to rub my nose
Rest my head against your chest
Listen to your heart beat
Eternally against me

The southern lights reminds me of you
but there is no warmth in the sun
I miss the northern darkness
In the shadows I see you
but in the dark winter night
there are no shadows

That's all. Be brave, my darlings!

I like you but I don't love you

Once again I was out of the country. This time I spent a week in Turkey with my close family. As a family we're just as feisty as we are as individuals so travelling with my siblings and my mother was a stressful thought. I guess we've grown a lot because we didn't have a single huge fight - a thing I was expecting to happen.

I think it's because like my flatmate said, we had a common enemy. The trip was poorly organised from the start and the guide/translator weren't very helpful. Yes, the trip was cheap and company was great but so many things we're so badly off that they almost ruined the trip.

It was a hassle from the beginning. The guy who answered the phone when I called to make the reservation didn't quite understand what I was saying. Maybe because I was speaking Finnish and he probably speaks Estonian as native language. When I got the paperwork via e-mail, I had to reply it several times to get them to correct the names. Then they sent the same papers over and over again but nothing really usable. I had to demand to get our travelling documents before they sent them. A thing I think should really be automatically made after the firm got payment. In the airport my family asked me where we should go, but I didn't know much else but that we weren't supposed to need any documents except our passports. Of course I had most of the papers with me because I didn't trust the "only passport" thing one bit. When we found the right gate we actually didn't need anything else but the passport which was a pleasant surprise.

Three and a half hours in the air plane can be tiresome, especially if one doesn't get anything to eat. Or to drink. On the way back they served coffee and tea free of charge, and maybe it would have included in the service on the way there too. But we didn't know about that.

We landed so late that we just went straight to the hotel in the bus that we used the whole trip. The bus was nice and the driver drove safely and he was friendly. The bus didn't have a toilet which was weird because we knew that we'd have to sit in it for ten hours both ways and then some. Luckily they sold unlimited amount of water bottles for 5€. In the hotel we were sent to our rooms and told when the breakfast was. Next day we heard there would've been drinks for us and some snack. Didn't help us much then anymore but even the guide didn't know about that.

Because it was a cheap trip and prepacked, they of course tried to sell extra stuff to us. We bought the package which gave us access to the sights and dinner. The other package would've been second meals and some extra trips. We didn't want that and when we declined buying it, we were told that we made things difficult for the whole group. We didn't. But the whole trip we were made feel like second class customers.

Few of the sights were interesting. We visited open air museums, a city in caves under the ground, bazaars and oh so many rest stops. The restaurants and the sights were full with people from the same kind of trips and the passengers where herded like cattle. The noise even in the hotel restaurants buffets were uncomfortable. We didn't get to see much "authentic" Turkey - though granted that tourism is a huge part of the country. Many of the stops were just like the last one.

Best part of the trip have to be hot air ballooning. It cost extra, but it was worth it. And the whole family went, even our mother who is afraid of heights survived and liked the flight.

When we landed back home I almost cried. Though I was extremely tired from the trip, I also felt relieved to be home. It's nice to go away but more often it's even better to come back home. Like most of the trips before, this time too I felt like I didn't find what I was looking for. Strangely it also made me feel happy because I wasn't travelling as "a sextourist" like my friends playfully call me. This trip made it more clear that I wasn't looking for love on my travels but some kind of peace of mind or home.

Turkey is a lovely country and definitely worth to travel, but I think my two times are enough. Weather this time of the year is ideal for a Northener like me but summers are way too hot. It's dirty there and I never learn how to use those holes in the floor mimicking toilets. The people are friendly and helpful but they also try to force sell everything to you. Probably even their own mother if they could. In an Islamic country I do feel uncomfortable anyway. I would like to obey their cultural rules like in any country I visit, but I can't approve the oppression of one whole gender.

There's so much more I could tell about the trip but sometimes it's best to tell only the essentials.
TL;DR: Don't travel with TSS. It is le shit. Go hot air ballooning. It is le bomb.

Almost forgot to link a song! Here is one oldie but goldie that I played on the trip. If nothing else, the vid is quite amusing:

Turkey, I like you. But I don't love you.

A road to lyrics

Note to self: three shifts of work, three days of school and bunch of other duties every week doesn't go well for a lazybutt like me. The first half of the semester is coming to an end so hopefully soon I'll be able to think more of inner thoughts and less of official thoughts.

I've carried on with my quest to find out why I like lyrics so much. I think I can explain it with the way Finns make music. When it comes to melody, Finnish songs can be a bit boring. The key in good Finnish songs are in the lyrics mostly and I think that might explain why karaoke is so popular here. Let me demonstrate this by an example.

Neljä Ruusua (four roses) have a song called Tie Ajatuksiin (a path to thoughts). It's not much if you just listen to it and don't understand what is being said. This is my best effort on translating the lyrics.

"I want to lick you clean from the dents of life
take you by the hand and take you with me
I want to forgive you all your sins
and lead you to the direction towards peace of mind

Sometimes the power (energy) gets cut off or one has too much of it
but will can lift a tightrope dancer in the air

In my eyes the world seems foggy and beautiful
if future fullfills my dreams
I'll stay and rest, and never want to be reborn again

I want to take you on a voyage to my thoughts
and teach you what I've realised
I want to open your eyes, make you see with fresh gaze
and smother the despair

Sometimes the power gets cut off or one has too much of it
but will can lift a tightrope dancer in the air

In my eyes the world seems foggy and beautiful
if future fullfills my dreams
I'll stay and rest, and never want to be reborn again

A path to thoughts, come with me

A path to thoughts, come with me"

Most of the great Finnish songs have a certain nickcavean flair to it. And they are usually melancholic. Songs about walking in fathers shoes and killing the family, suicide, darkness, snow, despair, losing loved-ones and drinking. Mostly drinking.

They are also about how tied we are to our ancestors, they point out problems and shows us that singing about them might not make them go away, but it can make us feel better. Lyrics have always been the way for me to feel I belong; that there is someone else in the universe feeling as I do and that I'm not alone.

Lyrics can encourage or help carry a burden. Lyrics can say the stuff you would like to, but you just can't or you don't have the words. They say so much more of human communication is done without words but I don't think that just makes the words any less valuable. What makes humans special compared to any other animals is that we talk, we sing and we dance (and we bury our loved-ones). Lyrics are as essential as the rhythm or the melody. What's so great about music is that it combines the essence of being a human. It includes the talking (words, lyrics), the singing (melody) and the dancing (rhythm). A world without music would be a grim place and I'm happy I'm not in one.

The stink

For long time I've thought the song that represents my love life will always be this one:

"If you fall, I'll catch. If you love, I'll love."

"Make me cry for your love like you've done many times."

"Lady pain, make me strong. Can't we be together without them forever."

"The words I write can only hurt you. Sorry for the rain. Thank you, my only one you gave me this pain."

I'm a bit of a poet but when I think of writing, I remember someone putting it better than I ever could. The pain, the broken heart, the eternal wait, the utter misery and hopelessness are all so well describe that I have no business in it.

Right now, there are no shadows in my life. If I'd have to describe my love life with a song, it wouldn't be The Misery by Sonata Arctica but this one:

No shadows, just boredom. I'm getting the hang of my work and now I only have to perfect it. I keep oversleeping in the mornings and I think it's because I know there won't be any challenges waiting for me that day. My motivation for school has gone hiding. I think it's lurking somewhere but I just can't find it right now. Everything stinks.

Let me paint you a picture

I always thought I was one of those who never gets affected by how long it has been. Today I found myself after a very vivid dream wanting to grab some random guy by the collar and drag him to my place for some good old ravishing. I can't say that that is really me, although I guess it would be nice to be less levelled from time to time.

I've always been all for freedom of speak. Especially when it comes to tabu's and such. I think that's why I don't even feel ashamed writing stuff like above. The term is lady boner, I believe.

(an awesome webcomic, go check it out here)

But for some reason even though I want to, I can't make myself write about not-so-womanly-stuff if it doesn't involve sex that much. I can read and write about fetishes, penis sizes, condoms, mutilation and even about tapeworms and buttsex, but farting is too much. I'd like to tell how much bowel movements affect feeling like a woman and feeling smexey. It's a real issue, but no one seems to be talking about it much. Not even people like me who have only little control of what comes out of their mouths.

So I go back to my comfort zone, which is romance. Okay fine, kinky romance. But still romance! I wrote about how you can detect others interest in the virtual worlds (virtual connection, as I like to call it) and I've always considered myself good at reading people. Lately I have come to the conclusion that I'm like John Snow, I know nothing when it comes to RL connections. If someone doesn't tell me straight up "I like you", I have no clue if they do or not.

It might have something to do with the vibes I send out. Maybe I'm too closed up to make others know that I like them and that's why they keep their feelings to themselves. I'm planning on hanging a sign on my neck that says "What do you want from me?". I'm not saying I have a crush on different person every day, but many of the guys around me do raise a certain level of eyebrow up in the air to show my interest. Still it feels mostly like this:

I like cheesy things. I like cliches. And I'm pretty sure so does many other girl. Especially those who spends their days in WoW, Imgur, reading webcomics and social media. This would totally work on me:

When I'm preparing to go out on a date with a person I've got to know through OkCupid or Tinder or whatever, I think to myself what the hell is wrong with the guy. Why are they still single at this age? And then I aim the question to me. What is wrong with me, why haven't I found the right one yet? Am I too picky, are my standards somewhere closer to the clouds than the roof? Am I too quirky, too weird, too demanding, too scary? Why is the most peculiar person I meet in the bus or in the store wearing a wedding ring? If the midget walking with sticks and the toothless, smelly fat guy have kids, why don't I? I can't be that bad... can I?

Maybe it's something I do. Perhaps I play hard to get. I don't make it clear enough that there's a chance. Though I don't make it clear enough that there's no chance in hell either. Perhaps I live too much inside my own head, in the dreamworld I've created. Or maybe I just don't go out enough. It's not like there are just random guys sending me messages like this:

I'm not too much, am I? This is pretty much my only requirement:

And of course I want to feel something. It's not good enough that we have fun together. I want him to make my palms sweat and my heart flap... Yeap. I'm too picky. Forever alone and all that crap. There's no point on this rant so I'll end it with another image. This one goes out for you, Sofa.

(credit to: Chiara Bautista link to FB)

Oh, and the song of the day (because it's such a weird day) is this one. I'm linking it just because I can. Don't you just luv the pink.

And I link it to you for the one single sentence,
"They say that good things take time but really great things happen in a blink of an eye".

...One more thing! You know how some guys send me some dickies from time to time? Funny story. I had a friend over and I showed him some game I find amusing and made him play it. The game at one point shows pictures from my computer... You can only imagine my face when I realised what kinds of pictures there can be on the screen. I think it didn't show the worse and I told my friend to quickly close it. Almost broke my rule that dictures sent to me are for my eyes only.

The silence of noise

Have you ever noticed how many songs and poems talks about "the silence in me"? I've never understood that really. There's never silence inside, not even in the most peaceful moments. The serenity doesn't bring me silence, it's just different kind of sound. When I'm sad, there's rain or thunder in my mind. When I'm happy, there's laughter and a beat. There's always some kind of voice, sound or noise in my head.

I think it's because I come from a big family, I've always lived in a busy city and close to ocean. Even when it's quiet there has always been the sound of wind in my ears. Silence is a sign of danger to me. If something or someone goes quiet, I automatically assume something is wrong. Did the machine just broke down? Why isn't he suddenly answering anymore, did something happen? They say that no news is good news, when we live in this time and age, the sudden stop of news is alarming.

I know there will be a day when even my mind goes quiet. I'm not afraid of that day. I think it will bring me peace from all this chaos in my mind. I'm not saying I have a wish for death, no sirree. I'm pretty happy as it as. Not always, of course, I have loads of gloomy moments. But with all the sorrow and ache, I still wouldn't change the disorder of the sounds of my mind to blankness. I'm nowhere ready to stop talking to my good old friend, darkness.

A friend of mine said he doesn't think in any language. His thoughts are more of ideas than words and sentences. In my head there's always words. Sometimes in English, mostly in Finnish, but it's always the same: a conversation I go over in my head with myself. I divide the activity of my mind into thoughts and feelings. Thoughts talk, feelings are more primal and more close to an idea. I'm starting to sound like a schizophrenic... Though I've always said I have 52 personalities plus one joker.

A friend of mine posted this to me the other day. I've seen it before, but it never loses its power for being reposted.

It's not about how loud it is in there. It's about what the voice tells you.

Wordplay

A month ago I was on a roadtrip in Denmark with my friend and guildmate Juju. We rented a car and drove around almost the whole country. Here is a map of it. The blue line is the way up and the red is the way back. The idea of the trip was to meet as much guildies as we could and we had time to see five of them. So the trip was pretty much a success!

Of course we came up with dozen of inside jokes but we also came up with new words. We thought that "shipping" two people together wasn't good enough and we started to call it "planing". The logical explanation to this is that ships are slower than planes. And if you want two people to be together, you want it to happen sooner than later. (Actually the word doesn't come from ships or delivering cargo, but we didn't let that stop us.)

We also came up with the term "complimentary boner". When you're spooning with someone, and you're the little spoon and the bigger spoon has a penis, it's expected the bigger spoon to get a boner. It is quite rude if they don't since they are rubbing their pelvis against your butt. It's not necessarily anything you have to do something about. It can happen amongst friends too. But you shouldn't be offended about it, it's just a compliment to your butt and the sweet, sweet spooning you're doing.

Seriously girls, if a guy gets a boner, it doesn't mean you have to put out. It doesn't even mean you should get uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure guys get boners all the time and are quite used to them. And used to it not leading to anything more than that. Enjoy the poke on your lower back! The person you're spooning with couldn't say it better with words: you're hot and he knows it.

Who's next?

There has been a lot of talk about bullying in the Finnish social media lately. It happens every year around the time schools start. I've read horrible stories this year. Stories that makes me doubt if I would've survived such. The name calling and afflicted physical pain are one thing but the feeling of living in fear... How can someone survive it? And then become a productive member of society.

I don't think I've ever witnessed bullying in the schools I've been. I heard rumours in gymnasium, but I didn't see it myself. I do remember some name calling here and there, and once I remember the one who was being called names having to drag me away from the name caller because I kinda wanted to give a piece of me. A big chunk of me to be exact.

Now. That story makes me sound like one of the good guys. But don't believe it. We all want to look good and make ourselves seen as the heroes, the angels. Nobody wants to be the villain, nobody wants to admit we've made mistakes. I think that might be one root of the problem, it's okay to be the bullied one. It's no longer showing weakness, it's showing courage to be able to announce you survived that. And it's a good thing that way.

But who are the bullies? Where did they come from? In the social conversation there are only victims, no villains. And now I'm starting to sound like I'd been a bully - isn't life funny. Fear not, if you'd know me at all, you'd know I'm too nice and too sweet for that kind of thing. And I'm not stupid. I might be afraid; I'm quite scared of physical pain which makes it damn hard to intervene if I see something that would require someone to be in the between and stop it. The feeling of helplessness is something that carries with me probably all my life.

I do have my Hulk moments too. When I start to get really angry, I can easily get physical too. It's not so easy to make me blindly angry, though I'm grumpy all the times. (Especially in the mornings.) So I'm not a bully, never been a bully. I never been bullied either. I have some scars of being called fat and the table breaking under me when I was sitting on it. People teasing that I don't sing the right notes. Tickling in the hallway so much that it's just not funny anymore. But kids are kids, it's impossible to stop all of those things. I don't even want to know what would happen to those kids anyway. We want to protect the next generation, but they still need valuable experiences to learn.

I think the line is crossed when the teased starts to be afraid. Afraid of going to school. Being afraid of losing lunch money, a backpack, new shoes. Thinking there's nothing but pain. Thinking nobody cares. That's the point it shouldn't reach.

What no one is pointing out is that not getting involved can leave scars too. Once in the subway (or metro as we call it here) there were two girls who were mean to another girl. Luckily there was a man who intervened and made the two girls stop. The girls seemed familiar, I used to hang out with people like that. What I still regret after these years is that the two girls and the one girl who was clearly afraid left the subway on the same stop. I should've left too and go check if everything was okay. I still wonder what happened and how that one girl managed. Did she make it home?

My boyfriend from time when I was just becoming an adult, broke a bone in his hand intervening a fight where five men where kicking one guy who was already down on the street. I don't think this bf of mine ever regretted it, no matter how much pain he was in. He has as many screws in his hand now as there were men beating him and his friends, to remind him of that night. He did the right thing and he should be proud of it.

We are scared for ourselves and scared to make things worse by intervening. But we all know it's not going to get better if we don't do anything. We should find out what makes some people bully. We should teach our kids to be tougher so they wont get bullied and we should stand up for those who are not in a position to do it for themselves. Because two beavers are always better than one.

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone or diminish anyone's pain. I had more to say about the matter but because I'm so damn busy lately I have to run to work now. Have a great day!

Love, lust, desire

There's a lot of talk about harassment in Facebook. Unfortunately the conversation that inspired me to write this post today is in Finnish. Let me sum it up for you English speakers. The points made were:

- Every woman has been harassed at some point of their life.
I have couple of those stories but I think the worst was when I didn't greet this one guy I passed on the street. It was a national holiday and he wanted me to wish him happy whatever back. When I didn't, he started to follow me and it ended in me slamming the front door of the apartment building I used to live in shut right in front of him. I think it's the feeling of helplessness that makes it worst. All I could do was run, if he'd catch me, there wouldn't be a thing I could've done to prevent him to hurt me - or worse.

- Sex is everywhere and yet it's considered to be something nasty, dirty and meant behind the closed curtains.
A lot could be done if people were more open about it and talk more about sex and sexuality.

- Loving yourself will help you to love others.
If you respect yourself, it's easier to respect others too. When we try to look for some kind of salvation from outside ourselves, we'll never be satisfied.

- When we mix love with need, we're in trouble. One guy in FB is quoting Jen Erasmith saying that we consider the message "I need you" as a romantic note.
Instead we should be saying "I love you. I don't need you, but I love you." and not confuse needing something sexual with loving someone. I know few young lads who think they love me when they clearly just need me. I don't mind being needed, it gives me the a sense of having a purpose in this world. But I am somewhat offended when they say they love me in a romantic way, because to me the need of me is so clear and the romantic love is nowhere to be seen.

- The original author which sparked the conversation claims that every woman wants to be taken with force. She says that this is a fantasy we replicate by leaving with a strange man knowing he could do anything he wanted to us.
I think this is rather dangerous claim. I'm not saying it's far fetched, because of course it's intriguing to think that someone finds you so desirable they just can't help what they do. But the danger lies in claiming this to be true for every woman. It gives the assaulter a reason, "she wanted this". Still, I agree that in the end we all want to be hit in the head with a club and be dragged to the cave. But I think this goes to men and women both. We all want to be wanted, needed, desired and loved. It's not really a surprise - and I'm fairly certain shouting that every women wants to be taken forcefully is not going to help the situation.

What caused this conversation was this clip:

The next clip YouTube suggested me was this:

At the very end of the last clip you can see quite genuine look of frustration in his face. The one I think most of us women know all too well. The look of "gtf out of my face".

Three clips, first explains the problem, second brings it to everyday life and third one seeks out the instant solution. I like the "What would you do?" -videos because they restore some of my faith in humanity.

I always say that we here in Finland are more okay with nudity because of sauna, but I think we don't know how to handle provocative clothes. If a woman walked on the street without any clothes, she'd possibly be left alone more than a woman with a shortshortskirt and an itsybitsytop. I used to think we Finns are like dwarfs: you are not suppose to tell apart the women and men, we all look the same. The problem arises, not when we take our clothes off, but when we point out the differences in genders. Hard labour and tough surroundings are what makes us Finns, there's no time for that sissy-beautystuff.

If you point out that you're a sexual person with your clothes, your style, your words, your butt or your boobs, you become some kind of a target. You loose part of your own... humanity when you become a sexual being. A sexual being doesn't have the same rights as a human being. You become the reminder that we're all sexual beings.

You know the feeling when you do something stupid in the heat of the moment? Ever had sex without protection? Ever sent a cleavage pic or or a dicture to some pretty random person? Ever left the bar to have a one-nightstand? Have you ever let things go a bit too far just because you wanted... it. Not him or her. Not anything specific. Just overwhelmed with lust or desire or whatever you want to call it and that has clouded your judgement.

I don't know if suppressed sexual desires provokes men to whistle at women on the streets but I do agree that talking about sex and sexuality openly is a good thing. It can't do harm to know there are other perspectives and it's not like you can really know too much about sex. It's not just about sex we should talk about openly: It's also about menstruation, bowl movement, even sweating and anything that is perfectly normal, happens to everyone and is so connected to your body functions that you can't separate it from your mind.

I think part of the problem is that we try to separate things that are bound together. Sex is not only part of your body, it's part of your mind too. I think the issue when harassment happens, is that we forget that the body is not just connected to the mind but a part of it and vice versa. I don't agree that people who harass sees their targets as just objects, they do know they are humans. They just forget that body and mind are not separated. And I think we all should know this when starting anything sexual with anyone: you might not hurt the body, but you can do severe damage to the mind. What you do can be creepy if the other person doesn't respond with the same feelings.