Wednesday 19 May 2021

To be or to be alone, the tale of the overthinker

Long time, no complaints. Hello again!

I haven't had any kind of a crush in a long time. Ever since I broke up with the Viking, it's been quiet in all fronts when it comes to love, sex or even flirting. I've only kissed one guy since, and it just didn't feel right. I didn't get the right butterflies, only the nervous kind. And it all felt just... wrong. Not a right fit, even though this guy is a lovely guy. 

I thought it was too soon. I've been such a mess, and not in a hot way, for years now. I've been considering living the rest of my life without the spark, because everything gets so complicated every time there's any feelings involved.

I'm not saying relationships have to be complicated, I mean that if your mental capacity to handle emotions is all wonky, catching the feels can be almost exhausting, and definitely confusing.

On to the story then.

So, I've been flirting with this guy over the internet. He knows little to nothing about me, and I about him, but the past few days has brought me to life in a way I had totally forgotten that flirting could do. It's like being a teenager again. I forgot I had hormones!

But work is super stressful right now and I don't have time to wake up in the middle of the night to think of his... well... penis. I'm as focused as a banana the same moment I log out of work stuff.
I don't know what to do! Should I cut the flirting out or ride it out and see how long it'll last? Nip it in the bud before it gets even more complicated? Or enjoy the waves of feeling something?

Birds sing. I can hear music. I want to write again. Life feels good. Is it worth it? Will the downfall destroy me? Even if it's nothing, nothing serious AT ALL, it might still be more than my fragile self can handle.

Why am I such a mess?

If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you.

But then again, when in doubt, choose life.

Aaaargh! Confusion is thy name!

Send help.