On this random moment in time I have a strange creature roaming around my life called the boyfriend. I haven't used that word in such a long time that it feels so weird to use it now. In this very moment, I'm in a relationship. Is it there tomorrow? It's hard to tell, but I hope so.
This is new. We've been going out for only couple of months but we've already met each others families and few friends. We've bonded, entwined, with great hunger. We've talked about the future with such extravaganza that the relationship coach in my head tells me to slow down.
I wanted to put all words about love on a ban list. Because I could tell it was a monster that was trying to escape his lips. I've heard the words before and I'm very sceptical towards them. Especially Dragonborn left few nasty scars saying he loves me, almost making me say it too, and then giving up on us suddenly and as suddenly finding another girl. What even is love.
But maybe it's not the scar that creates the problems. Maybe it's the overthinking. Maybe it's me. I don't go with the flow of feelings. I don't let myself go overboard because I'm scared that that would be rushing things and rushing tends to fuck up a relationship.
Lately I've been thinking about love a lot again. I've been wondering if I ever told anyone that I love them without meaning it. And here I mean love as I see it today. Everlasting and strong. Not just falling in love but giving a piece of my heart to someone. I don't believe you can stop loving someone, and these two things I compare, have I told someone I love them without loving them anymore this day. If I get to stretch it a little and think about the person they were when I said it, then the answer is no. I've never said I love you to anyone I didn't still love this day. But I don't love the person they've become or what they are today necessarily - that's the stretch.
The people I've told I love them can probably be counted by fingers only. It's not many. I don't think I've ever told my mom I love her. I do, of course, and I know she knows it, but I doubt I've ever said it. Words are so powerful. It's scary to say them. It emphasises things that are ordinary or even mundane. The way I love my family is nothing that requires fireworks, it just is. It is there everyday to the end of time.
If I say I love someone, I really mean it. Really, really, really mean it. And I expect the same from people saying it to me. Which is wrong because people don't experience love the same way. Who am I to say that you don't love me, when you just as well might. It's just not the same way that I love you.
I am capable of feeling love. I can feel love sparkling on my skin like I was part of #teamEdward. I feel it when I leave and a giant Hulk has grabbed me by my torso and squeezing all air out of me. We feel it when we look at each other for longer than a glimpse. It's not only in the silence, but it's in the everyday stuff too. It's how I feel when I cook for someone special, or try to sleep very still that I don't wake up the person next to me. It's in the present, not in the dreams about the future and definitely not in the scars of the past. I've always been capable of feeling love.
But I'm having hard times recognising it in the moment. I know what it is afterwards, but in that moment I'm not fast enough to name it. I think I've reached the point where I know what love is and being capable of feeling it. Now I just have to recognise when it happens. Because it's quite awkward to know you've fallen into a pit and you can't get out and you're stuck there forever and all eternity, only after you've landed, hit your head and smashed your skull. I think most people would know already when they have tripped. Quite awkward.
It's odd how one person can at the same time be spontaneous and extra careful. But I don't doubt. I ponder. I think what if's, I think is it better's, I wonder. I weigh. But the excessive thinking might look like doubting for the outside world. And doubt is contagious.
Today on this very moment there is a strange creature roaming around my life. I call him the boyfriend. Whether or not he is there roaming tomorrow, I can't foresee. Only time will tell.
Bonus track: I was googling for the song "does he love me, I wanna know" ect. because I couldn't remember the artist, and I came across with some golden stuff again. Though this time I felt that my blog is pretty much the same as these trashy magazine thingeys talking about love and signs and such. Maybe I should come up with quizzes too about knowing if your hamster loves you and what makes you look good for your shopping bag.
Here are few lines to remember from those sites:
"Sometimes, girls have a habit of getting annoyed for no apparent reason at all." (source)
"Men typically fall in love in a woman’s absence, not her presence." (source)
"If he’s hanging on to your every word about yourself, then he’s in love." (source)
And last but not least: A sign that he loves you is that "[h]e wears the sweater you gave him". (source)
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