To the moon

Hello. My name is Luci and I'm icky.

Chiara Bautista

When I say icky, I don't mean disgusting. I mean icky as in loveydovey. Icky is something I say when my sister is smooching with her bf. Icky is when I see an old couple walking down the street still holding hands. Icky is when my friend tells something cute about their significant other even though they've been together forever. Icky is cute. Icky is romantic. I am icky and I like icky.

I was looking for a piece of lyrics or a poem the other day from my old hand-written little books which some has worked as diaries on the side too. Fourteen years ago I had met a man I first described as a person who fills my need of human interaction. Someone who doesn't satisfy my soul. Later on I've been complaining about him constantly. Seems like all my heartaches and worries on the verge of becoming an adult had something to do with him.

There were so many things that made me want to scream at the book "Get out, get out get out now!". But of course I can't turn back time and go tell that silly little girl how fucked up the situation was. Why I didn't understand that was not how it was supposed to go, why I didn't have the courage to leave, why I didn't have more self value... I will never understand. But I guess I had to go through that to become the person I am today. We all have to grow up somehow and that relationship was my way of doing it.

The contrast the diaries casts for this day is amazing. I'm finally in a relationship where I'm valued by both sides. There are so much feelings, good all around. We can talk about anything. We can joke about things and we both laugh. He does these sweet little things and I like to think I do the same for him. I can feel it, the feeling is almost touchable.

Though it is too early (I know what you cynics are thinking over there), I can tell this is a good relationship. A healthy relationship. And I wonder why is it so hard to recognise one from all the crap out there. I wish I could make a list of signs here, just like in the earlier post about the signs how to tell he loves you. But relationships are tricky and people are so different. Something works for others, something doesn't.

It's about the feeling, how the other person makes you feel when you're around them and when you're apart. If you write in your diary "he makes me feel so insignificant and dumb", the relationship might not the one. If you have to work out artificial rules for your relationship, then you might be screwed. I don't mean the occasional who does the dishes or a monthly date night out, but if you want to start regulating something the other person does on a regular basis... Not a good sign.

There are no shortcuts and sometimes a relationship can feel like a drag. That doesn't mean it's necessarily doomed. But if you constantly feel the relationship doesn't give anything good for you, if it makes you lose yourself and makes you feel bad about yourself, if you constantly question why are you together, then it might be the time to let go. I'm not saying you deserve more, because some of us are naturally pieces of shit, but it will probably work better with someone else. Or alone. Being alone can be satisfying too.

I know this relationship I'm in is going to last from two things. One, is how he makes me feel. He has managed to open few tiny doors in me that I thought were shut forever. My viking left to raid coasts overseas for a month, and when he was leaving, he sounded very worried about me. As if I would miss him so much I couldn't function. Unheard of! No one has ever been worried about me like that. It's supposed to be the other way around. Since I'm made out of rocks emotionally and ice flows through my veins.

But he is right. And apparently I'm made out of marshmallow and cotton candy. It's only been few days but I can already feel the upcoming four weeks weighing heavy on my shoulders. To ease my longing I hang post-its on my wall for everyday he's gone that I can take out one at a time. Having something physical and visual to remind me that he is not gone forever hopefully helps. I also decided to write one thing I like about him on every post-it and I will probably give them to my viking when he returns from his travels.

The second one is how he treats me. I think it was our third date that he gave me a little Darth Vader toy to add to my "collection". I have around ten stuffed animals on my couch's back rest. That wasn't the only collection he wanted to contribute to. Let's just say he is not at all against me having a file full of dick pics.

So far every time a guy I like has asked me what I want for a present, I've answer the moon. I have never gotten that, which I guess is a good thing since I've heard rumours that having a moon is quite crucial for Earth to function as it should. Asking for the moon is a similar joke as to ask for world peace as a present.

Now. What is icky is that this christmas someone actually tried. I think this is closest one can get giving the moon without actually going to get the moon from the sky. My viking found a jeweller who makes jewelry from moonstones. The picture doesn't do it justice. He also bought me a piece of land on the moon. How. Cute. Is. That!

But I don't mean that he treats me well because he brings me presents and tries to keep me fat with chocolate. It's also how he helps me with everything I need help with - even when I don't even want his help. It's in how he drives through the night after a long shift just to get to sleep next to me. It's in his way of asking how my day was and being actually interested.

How he is reminds me why I was with my ex's in the first place. He reminds me of the good qualities they had that were slowly getting buried under the sand of time. My viking seems to have "best of both worlds" combining the things I've liked in men before and at least so far I haven't yet noticed what the downside of him is.

Today you can choose the song of the day yourself. I suggest picking one of these options:
Savage Garden - To the moon and back
Frank Sinatra - Fly me to the moon
King Harvest - Dancing in the moonlight
Mike Oldfield - Moonlight shadow
R.E.M. - Man on the moon
(It's not like they have much to do with the topic, except that they are songs that mentions the moon. But choosing yourself is important here because you can decide how the moon makes you feel.)

The Viking is away for the 14th, but don't you worry, I have no intentions of skipping Valentine's Day Extravaganza. Maybe it's even more important this year. Since I miss him. And since I'm finally in love. And I think he is the one.

But don't tell him I said that.

Because admitting it would be like admitting defeat in the world of rocks and ice.

The smallest things can be the loudest

Sometimes it's the littlest things. He forgot to buy the milk again. He interrupted when you were trying to tell something important. He left his clothes on the floor. It takes forever for him to answer your texts. And even after years of those little things becoming big things and breaking you two up, he can still irritate the hell out of you with the smallest things.

My ex sometimes sends me holiday greetings. Usually it's once or twice a year, but if we have met, he becomes inspired to do that more often. I always invite him to my birthday party but he never shows up. This summer we met in a different event and after that he has regularly asked me how I am, complained how I missed his birthday and wished me happy independence day. Few days ago I got a message where he wished merry Christmas to me. And by me, I mean he called me by my real first name. A name that people uses in official occasions. The name I use at work and at uni because it would be too weird to call me by any of the nicknames my friends have given me. A name that none of my foreign friends can pronounce. A name that my ex has NEVER called me by.

I usually don't mind his messages, though I always feel like he wants something. This time I didn't give him even the usual polite answer. His message underlined how much of strangers we are to each other after these years. And when I say years, I mean it. He almost broke me and I left him. There should really be no reason why either one of us would want to hold on to any kind of relationship. His message rushed all the bad things, small and huge, in my mind: The last night we were together when he finally admitted he couldn't stop drinking and literally chose a can of beer over our relationship. The one night he didn't come home at all and I had to call through our friends to locate him. The times he came home without shoes or the times he passed out on the bathroom floor.

But the memory that kills me the most is from the time we had been together for few years and I was still in gymnasium (or high school if you wish). I got pregnant and I was very nauseous, and we both agreed to get an abortion. I wanted it because I was way too young and still in the middle of growing up myself. He was scared and maybe he didn't trust we'd stay together. First he said he wasn't going to come with me to the hospital because he had an exam coming up. That stung. And even after a decade it still stings. He did end up coming with me, a book in his hand. I threw up at the stairs of the hospital. I threw up the painkillers. It was scary and it would've been scary as hell if he hadn't been there.

Things were never the same between us after that but we still stayed together for four years. I have never really regretted making the decision of getting an abortion. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be now if I hadn't, because I really want kids one day. And every time I think about that, I come to the conclusion that my life would probably be something close to agony and torture. Yes, I would probably have the cutest 10-year-old ever, but I think that might be the only thing making me happy in this dystopia. I might have married my ex, he probably would drink even more, I wouldn't have started uni and I would have destroyed what's left of my wrists working uneducated in manual labour. I imagine a shitty, shitty life. And I'm so unbelievably happy and lucky right now. Even being childless and single, I feel so blessed. This is the better timeline.

So why does he keep sending me messages? What does he want? We all have those people in our lives whose contact seeking efforts makes us uncomfortable. The past lovers or the people we have turned down or the ones who have never got the courage to even ask, but we know they would want to.

We all have those people but we also all are those people. I can name three people from the top of my head who probably sees me that way. It's like you know how things really are, but you can't help yourself. You still dream things were different and even though you know your messages are not been received with open arms, you keep sending them.

I've always known I am one of those people but I never really realised before that I too have those people on my contact list. I think it's a confidence thing. I didn't think I could effect someone in that way. But why not? Why couldn't I make someones socks spin in their feet? I'm pretty cute when I want to and the loud sexuality in my silence must be intriguing for someone.

I get asked the weirdest things because of that loudness. This past month my friends assumed I have had a threesome because apparently I'm that kind of person. I took that as a compliment. Other friend asked me in what language I moan. I told him he'll get his answer by making me do so. That might have been a mistake... I can be very suggestive in my words but in real I'm pretty much as stiff as an icicle. Still I've been ranked as the naughtiest person (some) people knows and yes, I take that too as a compliment. But I wonder (more often than I would like to admit) if that's really true. I wish there was a site or a form you could pass on to your blanket-fort buddies and ask them to rate you. "On a scale 1-10, how normal was that to you?" That would probably be the only thing that would make me want to get in touch with most my past.

PS. Did you know that Finland has been ranked as the most promiscuous country in the world? There has been studies made at least in 2000 and 2008 that both said Finland is number 1. I find this hilarious in comparison of how quiet Finns are. You can read more from wiki, The Economist and BigThink.

PPS. After reading through what I've written, I find it odd how comfortable I am writing about personal things. Reading this makes me more uncomfortable thinking how much of a bitch I am for writing about someone else without asking a permission first than anything personal of my own. So, my dear Ex, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I wish all the best for you, you're not a bad person. We wouldn't have been together that many years if you were. I don't think we can really change who we are, but we can use more courage and be more ourselves with that bravery. There are some things I need to talk about and there probably are a lot of things you should talk about to someone. It's not too late for that. Good luck.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the NO!

I thought about saving this for after Christmas, but maybe it fits here too. Maybe. *shrug*

I wrote this on a Friday the 28th of December 2012:

X-mas came, x-mas went.

Hope you all had a merry Christmas!

Christmas is usually the time to think of those who doesn't have anything or anyone. There are lots of posts in the interwebs about people who have helped the unfortunate ones with gifts or money. I really hope they are for real and not just posts for karma.

Christmas truly is the feast for kids. I'm disappointed there aren't any kids in our family, but luckily we are childish instead! Armi and I made a shape of a Christmas tree from some Christmas decorative lights on the wall and put all the presents under it. And opened them all way before x-mas, of course. But I am proud of myself; I opened only one slot of advent calendar per day and not them all at once like usually. Well, not opened, I scratch them since it's a lottery advent calendar. Having one of those is pretty traditional for me. I can remember my father always buying us kids one for each every year even when we were little. I didn't win this year. Again. Next year for sure!

All that lottery stuff is mainly for dreaming. At night, when I have hard time to fall asleep, I imagine what would I do if I won millions of euros. Doesn't matter if I have bought a ticket or not, it still works. Another good choice is to put something on from the TV, like wrestling. Instant sleep guaranteed. Too bad none of these tricks will work when I'm home alone. Every little creak and noises bothers me. The same imagination that can come up with millions in lottery wins, can also imagine robbers and rapists.

It's been so quiet in WoW at x-mas, I decided to go empty my bank account and shop. I bought a new wallet, but the alarm for thieves was left inside it without being deactivated. I also bought a new bag for my laptop and the long handle wasn't in it. Luckily the staff in the next store were understanding about the alarm, but with the bag I need to drag myself back to the place I bought it. I have not much use for a bag that has to be held in hand. It's pretty tiresome to carry a laptop in one hand for long periods of time. Try sometime if you don't believe. But then again, I once said to my mother that once one learns to wipe with the "wrong" hand, nothing can stand in the way anymore.

New year, new tricks... Or the same old. If I'm being honest. 
Happy New Year!

And here's a cute kitten for you. It's fancy. Like me. http://imgur.com/gallery/IFD14