What a strange ride...

I'm such a geek that I sometimes just have to laugh at myself. I did something I thought I never would. I asked a guy out. In a very geeky way and I'm rather ashamed of myself. No wonder he said no... No matter how much being turned down bums me out, I can't be but a bit proud of myself. I finally did it! Maybe next time I'll do it in person though :D

2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.

I thought I would go through this year through the songs I've been listening to most.

This song, Polarkreis' Allein Alene is a mix of languages and was linked to me my then new friend. We just celebrated our one year anniversary the other day and I can't emphasise enough how important he has been to me this year. We've had many giggles together but we've also cried together. There's not much I can't tell him. It's weird to call someone almost a decade younger one of your utmost bestest friends but he really is that to me. And before you ask, yes, we know through WoW.

I've come in terms with my nerdiness. Or geekiness. I don't know which I am. I'm not a machine geek, nor an anime nerd, but I'm definitely not.. an unnerd. I'm a lot more than that and sometimes I'm afraid people forget the other things I am but in the end I don't think about it too much. It does eat a bit my inner smexeyness, but then again... haven't met a nerd who hadn't liked me just the way I am. This song also made me realise that I'm not so serious as I've always thought. There's a lot of laughter in me towards very silly things and it usually gets out with fellow geeks. I think I was way too serious when I was around twenty and I'm quite happy to have gotten some life in me.

This is something I never get over. As much as I've grown in the past year and really got to know myself, I still have a constant fear of being misunderstood. In my youth it was that people wouldn't understand my jokes or what I'm trying to say or overall who I am or how I am. Now it has toned down, but it's still in the back of my mind. That's why I like the virtual connection more than being face-to-face. It's easier to let the inner voice be heard when it's not mixed with the physical awkwardness that sometimes so annoyingly takes over. It's also a problem when communicating in other languages; I can be quite witty in Finnish and I have to try really hard to reach the same levels in English.

What I've also realised is that I'm not like other girls. I speak more openly about my sexuality and other things. I don't grow old like other people around me. I don't look my age, I don't act my age, I don't live like I should at my age, I don't like or want the same things. I'm not the jealous kind, I'm overly patient with the people I love, sometimes I think I love differently too. I don't like to cuddle. I don't mind foul language. There are so many things. When I was a teenager I was so sure that all the people are so different from me. Then I learnt they are all the same, we are all the same. And now, lately, I've started to feel like a stranger again. I wonder if it was a short moment in time and age that I was like the rest and now it has passed. Will I ever reach that point again?

The feeling that has gotten the better of me more than once this year has been the "why can't you see we would be good together?". I like you, but you like somebody else. And you like me, but I like somebody else. And it's so frustrating to be interested in someone and then someone and then someone and they are never the one. Three dates is the longest I've seen someone because they just haven't been the one I'm looking for. And only one of them has been quite mutual agreement that together we wouldn't be complete. I get sad when I look at that side of my year. It makes me feel old. It makes me feel so goddamn lonely. But as long as it doesn't make me desperate, I will survive the waves of frustration. Sometimes I just feel like I was promised more than I got.

This might sound weird but in the past year my self confidence has grown a lot. For example I've been so ashamed of my booty. "I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross." It required few compliments and some pics from good angles but I made it there: to the other side of self shame. I'm never gonna be skinny and I would probably get cut half in the middle if I was anyways. It's not just about acceptance for being what you are and not trying to forcefully change it, it's also liking your own body. As long as I'm not obese, why not like what I wear when I party with Adam and Eve.

I haven't lost my metal side. It has been hiding, but it's still there. This is not a happy song, but damn that it has a good beat! I noticed I'm not young anymore when one day I was home moshing and I couldn't move my head the next day. It was totally worth it though! I cannot help but move to music especially when it has such a beat. I bought a pair of leather pants this year and I've started to wear more of clothes that I think looks good but others might think looks a bit weird. I've felt I've went back to my roots this year but without overdoing it. I'm happy that I've found other things I like in life but it has also been nice to notice there are somethings that doesn't change in me. There's always gonna be a hint of darkness, hint of anger, hint of sadness and hint of metal in me. Always.

Overall this has been a good year. The biggest part of the goodness is because of the guild and the guildies. I've had wonderful trips across Europe and I've met some of those wonderful people in real life. Still have many to meet but they've still been there for me without being physically present. Maybe the year to come will give me opportunities to meet them and maybe even more awesome people. I have felt myself useful when I could've been there for others but I've also feel I've failed couple of times. I will learn from those mistakes and in the years to come try to make up for them. It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.

Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night  bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.

I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.

Only couple of dozen hours left of this year. Oh boy how many dickies I've seen...

Guys, if you didn't last year when the countdown started, this year just kiss the girl. Sha la la la.

(btw. it's 5am so if this post didn't make any sense, it's totally not my fault)

Brains over boobs

Karen in Will&Grace described her ideal date "Someone who likes kittens and the hardcore bondage scene". We all have conscious and unconscious preferences of what we're looking for on a date. At least we know what we don't want.

Today I saw on my FB feed an updated relationship status. A guy I went for a date little over a month ago was announcing he is in a serious relationship with this cute chick. It's serious if it's in FB, ofc. Good for him! was my first thought. Then the second thought came. The nasty little snake squirmed in to my mind. Fuck him and his happiness.

What is it with loveydovey stuff? I'm completely content with my life. Happy even. But when I see someone sharing the love with that special significant other, I get jealous and angry that I don't have that in my life. Would be nice to have someone in my life that I could share special moments, introduce him to my circles as a meaningful person and do ickylove stuff with. Even though I've been enjoying the idea that if I ever again start dating someone seriously, I would like to still live on my own. I don't like to live alone and that's why flatmates are working so well with me, but living with the person you love and make love... I just wouldn't want to bring too much everyday life to that.

But to achieve some kind of loveydovey-fuck-that-happiness, one needs to go on a date. And it's not just about what you're looking for, it's also what the other person is looking for.

It's unbelievably hard to get those two Is it better -games to work with each other. And if you find a person you like and who likes you back then there's also the are you in same place in life.

Or when everything else matches up, your friends don't approve.

(I've been waiting for so long to use this one.)

When I was going to the last date that I had, few of my friends kept saying "Luci, not on the first date, okay?". I guess my reputation exceeds me. And let me tell you, talking about it doesn't make me do it (all the time).

Why you shouldn't have sex on the first date is pretty simple. It excludes the anticipation. And also sex complicates everything. If you go on a date with a stranger, have sex with them and then try to figure out what you are to each other... My brain hurts even from thinking about that scenario.

So my advice to the single people out there is: Go on dates. You're not gonna meet anyone by sitting at home. Don't put out on the first date. Then you at least have something to look forward on the second or third or maybe thirtieth date. Also, always choose a public place. There are many ways to stay safe out there, not just by bringing condoms.

Can I crash and burn on you?

Online dating has many horrible things. First of all you have to be very good at reading between the lines to get any sense what kind of person you are getting to know at. Secondly you make judgement by how well the other person photographs and with Tinder the dating world is even more about looks. Thirdly there's the horrendous moment when you have to meet a complete stranger and awkwardly try to come up with something to talk about or to do. And then lastly the point when either one doesn't really feel anything and how to let someone down easy.

I've been on too many blind dates compared to my quite shy and girl-next-door character. I always agree on the date if it happens in a public place and I try to keep a quick getaway plan in mind if it doesn't go well. So far all the dates I've been on has been okay. Not perf but decent enough. Most of them are just going for drinks or coffee but once this guy took me to a fleamarket. I've told about guys that haven't really fit me, but now there's something new in the air...

I've been chatting with this guy who seems too good to be true. He had laughed at EVERY joke I've made, and as you know dear reader, I'm not even that funneh. He has brown button eyes, my one weakness. He has as dirty mind as I do, but isn't after just one thing. And I know this because he wants to take me out for ice cream. ICE freaking CREAM! In winter. Who would do that? How did he knew I LOOOOOVE ice cream?!

 

So I'm obviously excited. More excited than I've ever been about a blind date. In my head there's this little loud person yelling "There's gotta be something wrong with him! You're not that lucky!". Maybe he is shorter than I am. Maybe he has weird ticks. Maybe he is a total misongynist. Maybe he never washes up and has a filthy hair. Maybe he is a slacker that can't take care of himself. Or worse: he is a momma's boy. Or maybe he is an alcoholic. Or worst case scenario: he would be perfect and he wouldn't like me.

I already told him my most embarrasing stuffz. Like that I play WoW or that I like Star Trek more than Star Wars. And he still wants to meet me. Weird, ehh? Do you ever get that tinkling feeling that something is about to happen? And you know it's gonna be good, at least for a moment. For me this is something like that. I'm pretty certain that now I'm going to crash and burn.

This may or may not be it for me. Good bye cruel world! It was nice knowing you!

(don't worry, you can read about my horrible date in the next post and listen to me whine more about single life in the future)

(and weirdly enough, the time I've been single, I've never been happier and more balanced in my life. do I even want to go on a potential date and ruin it all?)

(maybe I should just chicken out...)

(haha, as if I would pass on ice cream!)

Wink wonk

Lately I've had this awful wink wonk feeling. I feel like I'm bursting of sexual energy and there's not much places to put it. I don't mean jumping on someone (this time). I mean that I'm horribly flirtatious. And I feel like sending nudes to someone. I won't, but I feel like it.

There is few guys in my life I want to be flirtatious towards. I told my friends about one hawt guy and the first reaction was not to know more about him but "Ask him out!". GULP. I don't think I've ever really asked anyone out on a date. Like on a date-date. Like so that they've known that I was asking them on a date.

That seriously describes me perfectly.

I might not have asked anyone out, so I haven't made the first big step. But I have made most of the first little steps before. And I feel like I've done more work in my past to make things happen and move forward. Maybe it's what everyone feels, but I've grown tired of it and would like to be whisked away. It yet again comes down to the want to be wanted.

I don't think I easily develop a crush on anyone and when I do it's more of the everlasting kind of likeness. There are few guys that I've found worth of winkwonking for a decade now. Or even more. Sitting next to a person like that can be... burning.

Sometimes I would like to say "Hey, you know. I've liked you since we were teenagers. If you'd kiss me, you'd make my year." and I would want the person not feel pressured or creeped out. It's a compliment. You don't have to do anything about it, I just want to tell you this story of me liking you, because you're awesome, not because I want to have your babies right here, right now, and without practise.

But I can't say that to people. They would think I'm weird and creepy. I have to wait and if we ever get past the awkward part, I might be able to tell them that. But with some people it never even gets to the "let's hug because we're friends" -part. Some people will always be distant. Admired from the distance. I like to think someone does that to me too. Sitting there somewhere and thinking "damn we could be great together one day". Not today, but someday. Maybe.

I wish someone would tell me if I'm horrible at flirting. I know I'm way too straightforward with my innuendos, but that's just how I am. It has nothing to do with flirting because I'm a foul mouth every day. Though I think it might be emphasised when I'm winkwonking someone.

It's a weird combination to be overly romantic and oozing out sexuality. Or well, words stuffed with sexuality.

It's late and I'm tired and I don't really have anything to say, but I have all these cool pics with nice words in them so... yeah.

I can't make that one bigger so you just have to click it. I know. It's so much work. But it's worth it. Trust me. Or you can click this.

Girls are confusing, aren't they?

Guys are just as confusing! I read this site and even though it's super cheesy to read flirting tips, there were good points in it. Like complimenting a girl on her hands. That way you can easily break the touch barrier. So now I know how to hit on a girl. But what the hell am I supposed to with a guy? How does one flirt with a guy?

Lemme marry you, pls

Have you ever listened a happy upbeat song, felt like dancing and then started to listen to the lyrics and realised it might not be such a happy song after all. Like the song Happy I cannot listen to anymore because it's not really very happy song. Another example would be this:

It's not about "I have waited all my life for this moment and now I can finally marry the most beautiful woman in the whole world". Oh no. It's more like "damn chica, we're so wasted and I'm bored so let's hitch, pls, and regret it in the morning".

But at least it's heterosexual. The sanctity of marriage, and whatnot. Ya know...

I don't know if you've seen this pic yet.

Like few people in the social media has commented on this: we must be doing something right if we get this reaction.

Though we're not there yet. The legislation passed one vote and it is pretty surely gonna pass the whole thing, but I wouldn't jizz in my pants just yet. Registration of a relationship (what a bullshit term) has been legal in Finland for a while but now the people wants all sexualities to have same rights for marriage.

"What about the sanctity of marriage!", the christian cavemen yell. I don't really get that point. How will your marriage be less anything if other people can get married too. What does it matter what sex the other people are? It's not like food you distribute to all and it would taste the same to everyone. "I think your chocolate tastes bad and that's why my chocolate tastes bad too!" *rolls eyes* When asked why can't other than heterosexual couples get married one member of parliament said "Because they just can't". Waw, my goddaughter who hasn't even started school yet could argue better than you, sir. Your input to this country is indispensable.

"What about the children!" and this is a bit better argument. I'm pretty sure it's already proved that the children of gay couples have it good because they are mostly wanted children. "The kids will be bullied at school!", probably will yes. But don't you think we could make a change on how the kids view the world by showing them that it's o.k. to be different? If we accept, it would be easier to our children to accept too. This might take some casualties and that's why I think it's almost a valid concern towards the new legislation.

Bad people can get married. Good people can get married. My future (probably) heterosexual marriage won't be any less because someone else gets the basic human rights to love another people. To legally love their spouse and their children. Why is that too much to ask?

If there is a god, and that god is good, he/she has probably had something to do with different sexualities. The free will you were given was not to harm others but to spread the love. I can't believe that people who think a book is holy that's halfly about a man who did everything he could to break the social norms in order to spread the love to everywhere still somehow can say that the same book is against equal marriage rights. Haven't you learnt anything in the past, I don't know... two thousand years?!

/endofmorninggrumpiness