Lately in university related things, my ego has been so stroked that it will either burst or buff out. I'm so excited about school work, lectures and writing my thesis that it very hard to hold my horses.
When I was exchanging in England, I failed one course. Well, not failed, I just didn't pass the first time. I needed a retry. It was pretty embarrassing. But I think in the end it did me good because not everything was so easy. I came home, did one course, got the best grade without even trying and now I'm normal and balanced again.
Or I was until the field work started. Imagine you're a poor student, holding on to a bachelors degree like your dear life depended on it and then you get sent to the big league. You participate in a project where all the ships have PhD flags, and trying to explain to your friends who you've met takes years because of all the titles and departments. And imgine you shivering and shaking and trying to make a good impression while trying to be yourself and still do respectable work. You're ready to climb the academic mountain even though you know you probably won't survive past the first camp. With determination you go forward, but every once in a while you feel sorry for not being able to give your all. All your time and effort. You feel like you could do better. You feel like you don't know much. You feel more like a burden because you have to be taught and there are so many people in this world who would have done your work easier and faster. You have doubts, but you're excited.
And then imagine you get good feedback. Like massively good feedback. And it just keeps coming. This is not the pat-you-on-the-back-everyday-good-feedback. Oh no. This is good-feedback-in-Finland.
And after a while your ego is like an armor of a shining knight and there's really nothing else you can do but to ride that damned white horse and hope its legs don't break from your heavy, fat and greasy self-importance. I can't wait to get to the writing part! Too bad it's going to take me a while to study what kind of things I should write and about the form of the thesis and such. I hope I'm still even half this excited after New Years when I get to the actual writing part.
Unfortunately I can't say the same about my work. Like my actual job. Where I get paid to do stuff. Are you familiar with the concept?
I can be a lot of good things and a lot of bad things, but I don't think anyone can deny that a little workaholic lives very much in me. I've been feeling guilty for concentrating on work so much and less in school so I guess losing the motivation for work might help me to concentrate on other things. More important things. I will prioritise, as we do at work too.
I always do what I've been asked. I might not do it profoundly well or with pleasure but if I am assigned a work, I do it. I'm not very familiar with the word "no" and commonly mistake it to something edible that I'm not allowed to eat anyway. This time I tried proudly refuse to do one thing. You know the things that are pointless, a bit beneath you or you've already done the same thing a million times and now it's someone else's job? But then the job doesn't get done in time. Not because of the lack of your effort but just because everyone else thought it was pointless too or could be done better. But somehow it is still your fault it didn't get done. Because you declined to do it. Openly. The very first time you said you'll refuse.
What do we learn from this? It is okay for everyone else to say they won't do something but you better just do it. You better just do it so it gets done, much less annoyance.
What's the message this kind of situation sends? Don't tell your boss you dislike some job, just slack behind their back. Don't voice your opinion about the pointless job, nobody cares and it will only create awkward situations. Even though you don't waste your time at work and you would have actual jobs to do and anyone else could do this one thing, it is still important you get it done because we're all equal. At leats when it comes to you. And also, if the place you work tells you they want to offer you more meaningful tasks to keep you motivated, this is what you get.
Quite a rant that became. But I'm pissed. And there's no use telling this at work because it will only create issues that could blow off in time if I stay silent. So I rant here, knowing this will help me.
My self-esteem might be hiding under a rock in the Mount Doom under Saurons watchful eye in many aspects, but one thing I know for sure. When it comes to employees and doing the work, I'm pretty damn good. I work fast, I work hard, I like to learn new things and I always try to get along with everyone. I guess that shined in the field work too. I'm rarely late and I take pride on what I do. I like to explain how to do the job to others too and I won't sit on information. When I have motivation, I give 120% - sometimes to the detriment of everything outside work. And even when I don't have motivation I give 90%.
And it's the extra 20% that pisses me off the most. For a (I hate this word) "disabled" like me, how many times I've carried something even when I shouldn't. Used a machine I shouldn't. Done things I shouldn't for the price of my health. And that's the thing that makes me feel like an idiot. Like a sucker who will do just anything because it's easier and because creating a scene about that is pointless, because being a good employee is making things work smoothly without anyone even noticing who made it happen. Just few weeks ago I came home bruised as a peach. But a fool doesn't get appreciation.
The worst part of me as an employee is that sometimes I get entitled. Entitled to my opinion and I know that when I know I'm right, I know I'm right and there's no other rights and everyone else should know that too. This is me doing just that.
I don't know what to do. I like the flexibility my current work gives me and I don't think I have the time and energy to learn a new job even if I could get one. But I don't want to go to work just because I have to. And I don't want to barely do the necessary, I'm just not that kind of person. But still, stick a fork in me, I'm done.
I wonder if motivation is constant. Maybe it's liquid and you have different kinds of glasses you can pour it in. And when one is full, the others don't have enough to even be noticed.
