Love is to lay yourself open to loss

We all are scared of something. Some of us are scared of simple things. Common things that are quite easy relate to. Like big dogs, heights, or like I am afraid of the dark. I've been afraid of the dark for as long as I remember. When I was about 10y old we moved to a new house that was at least twice as big as the old one. I had my very own room for the first time in my life. And what a huge room it was! For a bed at first I had a couch that could be opened to a double bed. I kept it in the middle of the room because I was scared of the unknown space around me in the night. That was when I started to learn how to sleep in the dark alone.

When it's dark enough I feel the panic rising inside me. I look around nervously, I can't breath properly because the scary hand of darkness is squeezing my chest and I feel like crying. I'm constantly afraid something or someone will sneak up on me and my imagination starts to run wild. It especially happens if I'm walking alone in the woods or inside a big building alone (good thing I work in a huge museum, that's not scary at all...). Last time my friends did a prank on me was seven or eight years ago when we had been barbecuing in the woods Finn style and I was walking back to urban area with someone. Two guys jumped out from the shadows and scared the living daylights out of me. I started crying. The guys were so dreadfully sorry that I couldn't be mad at them. After that I've told people how easily I get scared and make sure they understand that it's in no way funny how I react.

When I walk home at night in the dark when the streets are empty I take precautions actions. I walk in the middle of the road, I stay in lighted areas if I can, I stop playing music through my ear buds and I keep my phone in my hand. When I dress up for the night out I keep in mind the journey I have to take to get back home too. So no high heels if I don't have another pair of shoes with me. I try not to look back but I can't help it because it wouldn't be the first time I would be followed. Every time I read about "female privilege" I remember the fear I go through for being the gender I am. I'm not saying it has everything to do with what hangs or doesn't hang between my legs or even the most of it, but it does have something to do with that fear.

Not all of us are afraid of the common things or maybe they are afraid of more intangible things.The fear of being alone or maybe it's just the opposite. I knew too many people who are afraid of commitment (most of my ex-boyfriends btw). What ever it is - as they say - we can't let it control our lives. There's three type of people those who are rohkea (brave), those who are uhkarohkea (reckless and rash, dumb brave if you may, literal translation "threat brave") and those who are between them. I'm usually on the sissy side and I blame my imagination for it.

I can imagine how badly everything can turn out and that gives me cold feet. The good part is that because I have such a vivid imagination I can also imagine a good outcome through any kind of trouble. That makes me a bit rash and the only steam to power my bravery. Mostly I chicken out in physical things because I imagine the worst kind of pain to be the outcome, but in relationships I'm more keen to try how things go. "It's always a risk to love", as Peter McWilliams said. "What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does."

I talked with a friend of mine today on the phone for an hour. She moved to the other side of the world couple of years ago and it's always such a pleasure to hear from her. We ended up talking how she knew a woman that was beaten to death just last month (Laajasalon murha) just because the lady went to defend dogs that her murderer was beating. After my friend overseas heard this had happened she saw someone doing something minorly bad and she was about to go intervene when she thought she might get beaten up for that. My other friend who surprisingly ended up in police academy once ran after an armed robber. One of my ex's once went to break up a fight and ended up with a broken bone in his arm, surgery and five screws to keep the bone intact.

In scary situations we all act differently. And our actions depends on our life experience. I think the more experience we have, the more easily we act with bravery. Those who have more certainty of surviving the outcome can act more brave. Then again, if enough bad things happen or so bad things that you're left scarred is a whole other story.

It takes a lot of courage to make changes in your life. Having a horrible or unsatisfying job can feel like a trap, but uncertain future seems more gloomy. A bad relationship may seem to be a better solution than being alone. Sometimes I look around people close to me and I pity them. I hope they would find the courage to change their lives because I know they deserve better. But happiness doesn't usually drop down from sky or knock on your door. You have to work for your happiness and make choices that are scary as fuck. The one thing I've learnt in my years on this earth is that things always end up fine. Better even than they were. I can't walk up to people and tell them they need to make this or this change in their life. I can only support them on their decision and suggest the one I think is a better option.

But I wish I could tell them that there's nothing worse in life than fear. Fear that paralyses won't bring you happiness. There's a risk you will lose everything but there's always a chance that you get what you wanted. You have friends and family you can depend on. If push comes to shove, there's always someones couch you can hog for three months and it might not seem ideal at that time, in the end you're glad you made a brave move. A move for yourself because from time to time it's okay to think of yourself and depend on other people. As so many has depended on you so far.

I used so many of the good quotes I've been stashing that I don't know what am I gonna do when the next time I feel like writing. All the pics without text are pictures I use as wallpapers.

Whoah, this was a heavy topic. Here's the gag relief. It's a "poem" (again) I scribbled in Turkey before I passed out in the 10h bus ride. It's not even a poem, it doesn't even rhyme. But sharing is scaring, so enjoy my horrible penmanship.

You are not like poison
because you are not killing me
You are not an infection
because you are not spreading
Being with you without being yours
is like being rotten to the core

Life is livable but your presence
is an everlasting reminder
of what I could never have

When I look at the barren hills
I miss your snowy mountains
When I bathe in in the sunlight
I miss your sea wind
When I smile to strangers
I miss your hospitality

You are not my everything
But you are everywhere in me
Everywhere with me

I feel whole
With you I feel more
I am more

Against your shoulder I want to lean on
Against your skin I want to rub my nose
Rest my head against your chest
Listen to your heart beat
Eternally against me

The southern lights reminds me of you
but there is no warmth in the sun
I miss the northern darkness
In the shadows I see you
but in the dark winter night
there are no shadows

That's all. Be brave, my darlings!

I like you but I don't love you

Once again I was out of the country. This time I spent a week in Turkey with my close family. As a family we're just as feisty as we are as individuals so travelling with my siblings and my mother was a stressful thought. I guess we've grown a lot because we didn't have a single huge fight - a thing I was expecting to happen.

I think it's because like my flatmate said, we had a common enemy. The trip was poorly organised from the start and the guide/translator weren't very helpful. Yes, the trip was cheap and company was great but so many things we're so badly off that they almost ruined the trip.

It was a hassle from the beginning. The guy who answered the phone when I called to make the reservation didn't quite understand what I was saying. Maybe because I was speaking Finnish and he probably speaks Estonian as native language. When I got the paperwork via e-mail, I had to reply it several times to get them to correct the names. Then they sent the same papers over and over again but nothing really usable. I had to demand to get our travelling documents before they sent them. A thing I think should really be automatically made after the firm got payment. In the airport my family asked me where we should go, but I didn't know much else but that we weren't supposed to need any documents except our passports. Of course I had most of the papers with me because I didn't trust the "only passport" thing one bit. When we found the right gate we actually didn't need anything else but the passport which was a pleasant surprise.

Three and a half hours in the air plane can be tiresome, especially if one doesn't get anything to eat. Or to drink. On the way back they served coffee and tea free of charge, and maybe it would have included in the service on the way there too. But we didn't know about that.

We landed so late that we just went straight to the hotel in the bus that we used the whole trip. The bus was nice and the driver drove safely and he was friendly. The bus didn't have a toilet which was weird because we knew that we'd have to sit in it for ten hours both ways and then some. Luckily they sold unlimited amount of water bottles for 5€. In the hotel we were sent to our rooms and told when the breakfast was. Next day we heard there would've been drinks for us and some snack. Didn't help us much then anymore but even the guide didn't know about that.

Because it was a cheap trip and prepacked, they of course tried to sell extra stuff to us. We bought the package which gave us access to the sights and dinner. The other package would've been second meals and some extra trips. We didn't want that and when we declined buying it, we were told that we made things difficult for the whole group. We didn't. But the whole trip we were made feel like second class customers.

Few of the sights were interesting. We visited open air museums, a city in caves under the ground, bazaars and oh so many rest stops. The restaurants and the sights were full with people from the same kind of trips and the passengers where herded like cattle. The noise even in the hotel restaurants buffets were uncomfortable. We didn't get to see much "authentic" Turkey - though granted that tourism is a huge part of the country. Many of the stops were just like the last one.

Best part of the trip have to be hot air ballooning. It cost extra, but it was worth it. And the whole family went, even our mother who is afraid of heights survived and liked the flight.

When we landed back home I almost cried. Though I was extremely tired from the trip, I also felt relieved to be home. It's nice to go away but more often it's even better to come back home. Like most of the trips before, this time too I felt like I didn't find what I was looking for. Strangely it also made me feel happy because I wasn't travelling as "a sextourist" like my friends playfully call me. This trip made it more clear that I wasn't looking for love on my travels but some kind of peace of mind or home.

Turkey is a lovely country and definitely worth to travel, but I think my two times are enough. Weather this time of the year is ideal for a Northener like me but summers are way too hot. It's dirty there and I never learn how to use those holes in the floor mimicking toilets. The people are friendly and helpful but they also try to force sell everything to you. Probably even their own mother if they could. In an Islamic country I do feel uncomfortable anyway. I would like to obey their cultural rules like in any country I visit, but I can't approve the oppression of one whole gender.

There's so much more I could tell about the trip but sometimes it's best to tell only the essentials.
TL;DR: Don't travel with TSS. It is le shit. Go hot air ballooning. It is le bomb.

Almost forgot to link a song! Here is one oldie but goldie that I played on the trip. If nothing else, the vid is quite amusing:

Turkey, I like you. But I don't love you.