Kick the chair under me

Lately I've been having a bit of problems keeping mental things not to become physical things. It all started couple of weeks ago when I met with my ex. We broke up three years ago but we've been keeping in touch and the friendship thing has been working well so far. Until now, of course.

You know how much I like museums, right? I work in one, I study museums, I go to museums in my free time and this spring I decided that a piece of me should stay in a museum. There's a Croatian museum called the Museum of Broken Relationships that has temporary exhibitions in different countries. In every country they collect broken relationship related objects that they display in that country, and later perhaps in other countries, and all the items finally goes to the museum collections in Zagreb in the end.

So I thought what better way to get rid of some sentimental crap that I can't throw out but I don't want to keep either, than to donate them to a museum. I filled out a form, sent the object, got a letter back that it has been accepted as one of the items on display here. I thought that was pretty cool. I had asked my ex if I could donate the item because you can easily recognise whose it used to be. He agreed and then we agreed to go see it on display together.

So the day came when we went there. I already knew it's going to be emotional because when I first saw the object in the museum, I got tears in my eyes. He hadn't yet seen the exhibition. This time it was him who got all teary. And to see that, was pretty rough.

After the visit to the exhibition he asked if I wanted to go watch movies at his friends place like we used to do many times when we were together. It would have been fine, but there was a minor little problem. The couple whose place we were at had had a kid in the meanwhile. So my ex and the kid sits on the floor and they build a little railway together. Oh, did I already meantion the main reason we broke up was because I wanted kids and he didn't?

Yeah.

I went home and cried a little. The day had just been too much.

Couple days later he asks me if I could play a video game with him over the internet. Of course I agree and we play for a while. I get this weird feeling. I get a bit dizzy and after an hour of playing I have to stop. I laid on the floor for a while and hoped it wasn't the stomach flu that had been raging around the town. Felt a bit better, got up and nope, not better at all, nope nope. Spend the rest of the day in a horizontal position in the bathroom floor because that was the only way it didn't feel terrible.

Next day: nothing. It couldn't have been anything I ate because I ate only things from my own fridge and I knew what's up with them. It wasn't the flu because I didn't get a fever and I was alright so soon. I came to the conclusion that it had to be the game. Some kind of head bobbing effect or something had triggered it. So I put it behind me and lived on. Week later my ex asks if I want to play again. I agree and after half an hour I'm convinced it's the game that makes me sick. I stop playing.

Everytime I think about my ex and kids and such, I get a lump in my throat. It wasn't the game. After the dating site thing when ever I get anxious about talking to too many people at the same time or having troubles of saying no to a nice guy that I'm just not interested, I get the same lump there. Maybe I wasn't ready for this whole dating ordeal.

Apparently it's because I overthink things. Yes, again someone told me that. But they never tell me how to stop thinking. Is there a switch somewhere that will make it stop? Or should I just get a lobotomy and be done with it. From a young age we've been thought about causality and consequences. Of course I think what would happen if I say yes to this. If I agree to go on a date, what would happen. Is there any point, do we have enough in common, do we live travellable distance apart... there are thousands of questions in my head when I have to make any decision. You really should see me trying to choose an ice cream, let a lone a man!

If you read my previous post, you know I had some troubles with crossing the line with one guy. I built up the courage to tell him that even though he is thinking about me, I'm not looking for to date him. Guess what he said? It's because I misunderstood. That it's all in my head. That he never said anything like that. That he was only thinking about me as a friend. Sorry friends, I didn't know I'm supposed to tell you I think about you, miss you and that we should stop the pretence and open our hearts to each other. But I couldn't tell about my feelings even to a friend because I'm a Finn. We're not capable of telling about our emotions, have you heard that?

Sometimes I just hate people so much.

I need a vacation. I need to crawl under the bed with a blanket and stay in the dark for a few days without people, without internet, without the stupidity of mankind. I need myself more than I have ever needed anyone.

And the song of the day is from 69eyes, an oldie, but goldie, The Chair.

Witchdoctor

Oh boy. I got two juicy stories for you, but I don't know which one to tell! So I guess I'll ramble on and just tell both mixing them together. The other one is somewhat educational and chapter 2 for the vagina monologue. The second one is the usual social porn and what's up in my dating life. Where to start, where to start...

Few weeks ago I had a doctors appointment. When I called in they said I should ask the doc about everything that's been bothering me. But it was a gynocologist and a weird one, so I couldn't really talk to her. Other than that it was a pretty standard visit to the gyno. She checked me for breast lumps and while doing so, she commented that I had very dry skin. When she got between my legs, she said the same thing. She told me to go buy lotion from the pharmacy and put it everywhere. And she meant EVERYWHERE.

Well, not IN anything, but... you know. I didn't know that was a thing. But I guess it's similar to dry lips and the need of lip balm. I've known I had dry skin for a long time and I think I have been writing here about the need to hire a professional lotioner and I think it just got a tad bit easier. A new pickup line for sure! "Hey baby, wanna come over and put lotion on my vulva?" Should work. Though it might not make a very profound relationship.

I've been thinking about the whole dating ordeal a lot more lately and then a friend of mine said that maybe I'm not that kind of a person who can settle down with one person for a long period of time. I've been thinking about it ever since and maybe she's right. Or maybe I have problems. I have a huge label of Daddy Issues on my forehead at least if nothing else. That's why I thought about asking the good doc how could I get to a mental health consultation. But since I couldn't ask her... Seriously, when I was leaving I said thank you and she responded with a "fine." and neither one of us said goodbye. It's safe to say we didn't exactly meet on a personal level. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing when it's a gynocologist.

I had to get some shots so I went to see the nurse and since she was so nice, I asked her about this mental health stuff. She booked me for consultation and now I'm officially knocking on the doors of "the system". Maybe I'm not crazy, maybe I'm just a personality. We shall see. But I thought I had to take my own advice, can't be telling others maybe they should go talk to a professional if I won't do it myself. So next month I got an hour booked for bawling. Should be fun. Or something.

When I started to use an online dating site again, it was because I wanted some action. A little action. Not much action. Guess what I got? A buttload of action! Hell, I've been chatting my fingers sore. I've even met with one guy who was okay. Can you hear my enthusiasm? But okay is a good start, maybe I'll meet him again and see if okay turns to something more exciting.

There are few other guys eager to meet me too. But some of them are out of towners so I don't know how it would work. I've already tried the other country thing. I've also tried the half way across the same country thing. Neither one left good memories. But it's like judging a whole nation for one idiot. Though I must admit I have my guards up when it comes to middle eastern or indian guys. They seem to be full of "romance" but not much substance. Then again the world is full of guys who are clingy and full of guys who say anything to get in your pants. I don't care for either ones.

But to the main story. I was at work one day. Minding my own business as usual, when a group came in and one of them wanted to have a chat with me while the others wandered around. He went out few times and came back in to talk some more. He said it's very hard to talk with natives (it was Finnish for beginners group) and that if he proposes cup of coffee to someone they are hesitant to go. I told him that it's because in Finland you have to ask the other person for a pint and then it's casual. If you ask them for coffee, they think it's a date.

He said it's nice to be able to talk to someone and asked if I wanted to go for a coffee or a drink or whatever. I told him he can't hit on me while I'm working, it's just not cool. He assured me he just needs friends because he doesn't know that many people here and he also would like help with his language skills. I know what you're thinking, this sounds like a line but he seemed sincere to me. I ended up giving him my number and we agreed to go for a drink one day. And then the day came and I thought, what have I gotten myself into again. Some stranger I met briefly, this is gonna be aaaawkward. But it ended up being nice. We chatted about many things and I thought great, I got a new friend. Though I don't have time for my friends as it is so new friends are always a bit of a hassle.

We agreed to meet some other time and we hugged and went our merry way. Today he sent me a message, and few messages later he said he has been thinking about me. Initial thought was something along the lines: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! He promised not to hit on me! I wasn't even charming, because it wasn't a date I was my horrible self. He's the second guy in a week to tell me that he can't stop thinking about me. And as lovely as that is, I met this guy twice! Twice!! Then I thought maybe it's a language barrier thing and I asked if I said or did something funny that he has been thinking about. There was no doubt about what he meant when he answered that he wants me in my life.

*insert here murloc sounds*

Okay, I must admit I did think that he smelled good. And you don't think that kind of things about your friends, not in that way. But that's as far as I got with that. I didn't get to the "I miss you so much" part. No sirree. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Do I meet him again and see where it goes? Do I tell him to hold his horses? Do I tell him that I don't want to see him again? And the deep rooted Issues are saying "What if it's just lines?". The last guy I was cool to kiss with ended up being a total asswipe who just wanted to bed me and I never heard from him ever since. It makes a person feel like a damn fool. I never wanna feel like that again. I'm too old for that shit.

So I'll be here. Panicing.

The song of the day is Witchdoctor by Cartoons. With this song I wish happy birthday to the guy I lost my viginity to and to the rest a happy fourth of July!

"Who knows? Perhaps your love will make me forget all I wish not to remember.",

wrote Alexander Dumas in The Count of Monte Cristo.