You know the feeling when you're supposed to do like a million things, but you can't start even a single one? And the more you think how much you should do and how little time you have, the less you get done? Yea, I'm in that place. It's First World Problems, I know. I lack motivation in every area. I failed my last module and I should rewrite it, but the thought of failing it again cripples my fingers on the keyboard. This was my first fail in university and I managed to graduate as a bachelor before this happened. It'll be an avalanche if I don't get this done, and I know that, but still I can't start writing. My body is a cage, and so is my mind.
My motivation is not the only thing crippled. I think the last adventure with the heart was the last drop. Not the final drop, just the last for the time being. Inside my ribcage it's numb and quiet. Silence that I haven't heard in years. It's not only that "i don't feel like it", it's that I don't feel it. He was the thing that broke the camel's back. He left me speechless.
But where does the brokenhearted, the damaged souls, the cripples, go? Where can they find people who understand, who wants to be there for you as much as you'll be there for them? Where you can find same-minded people, the ones who won't judge you based on your looks, your mannerism, what do you do in life, how old you are, or what you're supposed to be? Where can you find people who have scars and wounds, who are special, disabled and lame, just like you?
No idea actually. We're all individuals so I doubt there are people who knows exactly what you're going through. I get my peer support from the guild in World of Warcraft, you have to find your own place. It felt like returning home after a long time of adventures. It was weirdly natural to take my place as the guardian of the mailbox again. Being with old and new friends warms my heart. My icy cold, rejecting and judging heart. Outside world is too cluttered for me right now.
If this world hasn't taught me anything else, it's that none of us are free. We're all crippled with fears, prejudices, our bodies, our mind that thinks too much or doesn't think at all. Some of us are unable to love and some of us love too much. We think we can't do the things we want to do or be the person we would like to be, because of a seed of doubt in our mind. How long do you have to keep repeating to yourself that you're a good person and you deserve good things until you start to believe it?
I wish I had more words, more witty blogposts, more energy, more love, more heat, just overall more to give, but I don't. What I have is a broken keyboard, no money, a messy apartment, weird sense of humour and a thirst for chocolate. But I can share from those, any takers?
The song of the day could be any of the ones in cursive, but because there are no words, let the song be without them too.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's good to be silent, good to be without words. Maybe then I can hear the rythm, hear a beat of a heart. I just need to listen carefully.
So let us have a moment of silence for the passing winter. Let the spring come.
The hot topic in my circles is "why?", why did I shave my head. I've been wanting to shave my head for years, probably closer to a decade. I don't have one reason, nor do I have any really good reasons. I didn't have to shave my hair off. I just wanted to do so.
The feedback has mostly been positive. Apparently my skull has a good shape, whatever that really even means. Part of the process was to see if I could rock it with no hair - as in would it fit me. And it does body-wise. Not sure yet does it fit my personality, but time will tell.
Partly I did this because there's a little (okayokay, a huge) feminist in me that had a point to prove. Short hair, or in this case almost no hair at all, doesn't change my gender, my sex or my sexuality. I'm still a strong independent heterosexual woman who needs no hair. I can still be sexy even though I have taken the most easily recognisable feminine part of me away. I am no less of a woman now than I was before. My initial thought was to be bold (pun intended) and show how much of a woman I still look like, but the rules of Blogger forbids me. So no nudes for you, sorries.
I am greatly enjoying the attention, of course. Though it's not me in the center of attention, it's my head. Still, I don't know what to answer to comments such as "I didn't really think you would go through with it". Did you think so little of me or did you think less of me before I did this? Well. Ahem. I did? So. Umm... Suck it?
So no, I don't have cancer. I don't even take that as an insult because I have utmost respect for people who are strong enough to fight that disease and with such draining medicine as chemo.
No, I did not become a man. My vagina didn't fall off and I did not grow a penis in the spot. Is your masculinity so intimidated by my short hair that you have to make stupid jokes like that? Piss off.
Even though I feel emancipated by this, I'm afraid most of the opposite sex wont see it as such. I'm halfly hoping this will help me to stay single and out of all the drama of dating. I hate the quiet in my head when I'm in a steady relationship, but I also fear the chaos of the voices in my head when I'm single.
I feel like it's half a century ago and I'm a guy with a long hair.
Yes, my head feels nice and soft now. Like a very hairy baby's butt. Yes, you may touch it.
I'm such a geek that I sometimes just have to laugh at myself. I did something I thought I never would. I asked a guy out. In a very geeky way and I'm rather ashamed of myself. No wonder he said no... No matter how much being turned down bums me out, I can't be but a bit proud of myself. I finally did it! Maybe next time I'll do it in person though :D
2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.
I thought I would go through this year through the songs I've been listening to most.
This song, Polarkreis' Allein Alene is a mix of languages and was linked to me my then new friend. We just celebrated our one year anniversary the other day and I can't emphasise enough how important he has been to me this year. We've had many giggles together but we've also cried together. There's not much I can't tell him. It's weird to call someone almost a decade younger one of your utmost bestest friends but he really is that to me. And before you ask, yes, we know through WoW.
I've come in terms with my nerdiness. Or geekiness. I don't know which I am. I'm not a machine geek, nor an anime nerd, but I'm definitely not.. an unnerd. I'm a lot more than that and sometimes I'm afraid people forget the other things I am but in the end I don't think about it too much. It does eat a bit my inner smexeyness, but then again... haven't met a nerd who hadn't liked me just the way I am. This song also made me realise that I'm not so serious as I've always thought. There's a lot of laughter in me towards very silly things and it usually gets out with fellow geeks. I think I was way too serious when I was around twenty and I'm quite happy to have gotten some life in me.
This is something I never get over. As much as I've grown in the past year and really got to know myself, I still have a constant fear of being misunderstood. In my youth it was that people wouldn't understand my jokes or what I'm trying to say or overall who I am or how I am. Now it has toned down, but it's still in the back of my mind. That's why I like the virtual connection more than being face-to-face. It's easier to let the inner voice be heard when it's not mixed with the physical awkwardness that sometimes so annoyingly takes over. It's also a problem when communicating in other languages; I can be quite witty in Finnish and I have to try really hard to reach the same levels in English.
What I've also realised is that I'm not
like other girls. I speak more openly about my sexuality and other
things. I don't grow old like other people around me. I don't look my
age, I don't act my age, I don't live like I should at my age, I don't
like or want the same things. I'm not the jealous kind, I'm overly
patient with the people I love, sometimes I think I love differently
too. I don't like to cuddle. I don't mind foul language. There are so
many things. When I was a teenager I was so sure that all the people are
so different from me. Then I learnt they are all the same, we are all
the same. And now, lately, I've started to feel like a stranger again. I
wonder if it was a short moment in time and age that I was like the
rest and now it has passed. Will I ever reach that point again?
The feeling that has gotten the better of me more than once this year has been the "why can't you see we would be good together?". I like you, but you like somebody else. And you like me, but I like somebody else. And it's so frustrating to be interested in someone and then someone and then someone and they are never the one. Three dates is the longest I've seen someone because they just haven't been the one I'm looking for. And only one of them has been quite mutual agreement that together we wouldn't be complete. I get sad when I look at that side of my year. It makes me feel old. It makes me feel so goddamn lonely. But as long as it doesn't make me desperate, I will survive the waves of frustration. Sometimes I just feel like I was promised more than I got.
This might sound weird but in the past year my self confidence has grown a lot. For example I've been so ashamed of my booty. "I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross." It required few compliments and some pics from good angles but I made it there: to the other side of self shame. I'm never gonna be skinny and I would probably get cut half in the middle if I was anyways. It's not just about acceptance for being what you are and not trying to forcefully change it, it's also liking your own body. As long as I'm not obese, why not like what I wear when I party with Adam and Eve.
I haven't lost my metal side. It has been hiding, but it's still there. This is not a happy song, but damn that it has a good beat! I noticed I'm not young anymore when one day I was home moshing and I couldn't move my head the next day. It was totally worth it though! I cannot help but move to music especially when it has such a beat. I bought a pair of leather pants this year and I've started to wear more of clothes that I think looks good but others might think looks a bit weird. I've felt I've went back to my roots this year but without overdoing it. I'm happy that I've found other things I like in life but it has also been nice to notice there are somethings that doesn't change in me. There's always gonna be a hint of darkness, hint of anger, hint of sadness and hint of metal in me. Always.
Overall this has been a good year. The biggest part of the goodness is because of the guild and the guildies. I've had wonderful trips across Europe and I've met some of those wonderful people in real life. Still have many to meet but they've still been there for me without being physically present. Maybe the year to come will give me opportunities to meet them and maybe even more awesome people. I have felt myself useful when I could've been there for others but I've also feel I've failed couple of times. I will learn from those mistakes and in the years to come try to make up for them. It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.
Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.
I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.
Only couple of dozen hours left of this year. Oh boy how many dickies I've seen...
Guys, if you didn't last year when the countdown started, this year just kiss the girl. Sha la la la.
(btw. it's 5am so if this post didn't make any sense, it's totally not my fault)
A guildie knows how much lyrics means to me in music so he suggested I try this band:
I don't usually like this kind of rock but my friend was right about the lyrics, they are powerful. So lately I've been thinking what's the price of love.
In the guild we have this thing we sometimes use caps and spam lyrics as if we were singing them. Our little cuddlesnuggle Slenbear sometimes sings asking if we believe there's life after love. I always answer no. If there's something after it, it wasn't love to begin with. I believe love to be eternal and if it stops, it wasn't love. If my theory is true, I've never been in love.
But I think I've been close. I've seen glimpses of love and I know I want it. Badly. So what do I need to pay to get it? What's the price of love?
Do I need to make a fool out of myself? That's just fine, I feel like the jester already.
Does it require actual money? That's okay with me, I'm ready to work for it.
Does it need to be paid in time? I've got plenty of time. Just show me who to waste it on.
Do I need to throw myself in the winds of emotion? I'm up for that, who wants to stay numb anyways.
Am I not ready for it? What kind of sacrifices is there to make to become ready for love?
What do you want from me, love?
If it comes with pain, I'm ready. Pain I know, I'm used to that. If it comes with the shades of darkness, I've been there before. I know the way out. Right now I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for love (except that one thing, of course).
I wont give myself to anyone, but I can give myself to love. I mean that I want to stay as my own person, but I would be fool - for love.
I feel like most of the things I want in life can be achieved alone. But love is something I can't magically make happen. And we all know there's no hurrying love. Maybe the one I'm supposed to be in love with is not ready and I need to wait. In the meanwhile I can just browse Imgur and join the choir of loneliness. Seriously, I bet one of the most used comment on that site is "This made me realise how lonely I am". If you don't believe me, check out the comments on this one: http://imgur.com/gallery/y5OQE.
But the noises fade to background and all I can hear is how quiet it is. Only my own breath, my own movements, my own shadow. I don't know what to do.
Did I just see a shadow coming towards me? Can I hear sounds of other people in the wind? Does my phone even work anymore...
I'm alone on an island.
I have food supplies to last until someone comes to save me, I hope.
The smell of the ocean...
Even from behind the bars I can see the sun moving slowly. It wont be dark in a while.
I sing quietly to cover the silence.
I'm too stressed to read the old dusty books I have with me. I decide to concentrate on the plan. Step by step, I know what I have to do.
I wish there was someone to talk to.
I'm thankful for the light. It can be dark in this pit. In the darkness everything changes. The sounds, the wind, my own breathing. Who knows what lurks in shadows.
Patiently I stare out, out to the sun or the rain. Wishing and hoping someone to come, praying. It's been hours and I've only seen a shadow of a man.
The clock is ticking. Ticking away desperatly.
This day too, will come to an end.
And when the end comes, I will find my keys, lock up the museum and go home.
Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to keep a museum filled with technology open on a mother's day anyway?
If I were to make a new years resolution, it probably would be that to stop judging, analysing and watching people. I should stop reading between the lines. I hate that I can't keep things casual and light. I have to poke my nose to stuff that's none of my business. And even when I can sense people I don't even know very well that they need time or don't want to talk about their baggage, I still need to point it out.
Because it's easier for me. I don't like tiptoeing around subjects.
Selfish.
I'm not claiming I can do deep probing on other people's lives. But I guess I have a good sense on what people say or leave unsaid. It's not very hard for me to figure out persons age and gender from just chatting with them for a while. Not that I'm always right either, I'm no psychic or a soothsayer.
It works the other way around too. For some reason people like to tell me stuff. I remember when I was in my early teens, people started to talk to me on buses and trains telling me their life story. I didn't ask any of them. I'm not very extrovert when it comes to public transportation so I would've rather stick with my own thoughts.
The most horrible part is that I can hear people's inner selves yelling "I'm lonely, I need your company" or "I'm very sad and in the verge of depression, I need help" or "I'm mad, I need time" or "I don't really like you, don't talk to me". And what do I do?
Nothing.
I just point them out. I don't know how to help anyone. I can hardly help myself.
Sometimes I sit there and stare at my phone, knowing I should call my friends and ask how they are. But I don't because I don't want to hear the words between the lines. So I just sit there and wait for them to call me, wait for them to say straight up what's bothering them. So I wont point out their thoughts before they have realised them themselves. So I wont make things more complicated than they already are.
I guess that is why I like to stay home so much. So I can suppress my own inner thoughts by music and not hear the shouting and screaming of others problems.
Selfish.
I can't make the promise, but if I could, I would stop listening what people say with their tone of voice and actions, and start listening what they are actually saying and just stick with that.
"I'd give a kingdom for one more day as a king of your world. If I was a king I would give away my kingdom. Treasures and a crown wouldn't mean a thing if I only had a heart."
That's bits and pieces of lyrics from Sonata Arctica's song "Kingdom for a heart".
Listening to it made me think I've never loved anyone so badly I would give away my kingdom. Especially for just one more day. Is there even such kind of love? Does it exist? Have you ever talked to a person who says he has loved so deeply he is willing to give everything to get that feeling back? And do people really want to give their everything to feel love or to feel loved? I think there's a big difference.
For most time of my life I've said I have 52 personalities and then few jokers here and there to spice things up. Lately I've narrowed it down to few and I've compared them to my WoW characters. There's Penny, my banker alt and the leader of the guild. She is smart, organised, shares her motherly love around and ponders about current state the world is in. There's Luci, the RP character, who is girly, giggly, bubbly, over thinking and up for having fun. There's Dan the man, already deleted char, who makes pervy jokes and calls everyone a dude or sugar muffin and whose best pick up line is "wanna wrestle?". And then there's Carnation, the hooded Death Knight, who is beautiful but sits in the dark corner, enjoying the gloomy shadows and listens to Sonata Arctica.
Most often I think I'm Penny, but the change can be sudden or for short while. It can also be something in between, like last night when I had a chat with a guy who threatened to tie me in a bed and tickle me. It's so hard to control, when Dan wants to make jokes back, Luci wants to delightfully giggle and Penny just yells that this conversation has gone too far!
I don't know if everyone has such clear boarders on the personalities, I guess not. And I think many of you sit there thinking that it's not for me either. Penny, Luci, what ever, same person still. But to me, in my head, they are easy to divide. And no, I'm not schizophrenic. I know all those personalities are the same person and they are who makes me me.
I also consider myself a mix up between Belle and the Beast. I sit alone in my cottage, sometimes too scared to look in the mirror and thinking everyone hates me. Haven't had random bursts of anger in a long time, but I know the ability to claw a few paintings is somewhere in there. Rawr!
But I'm also Belle, the brown haired girl who likes to sing, thinks herself to be different, reads books over and over again and thinks most of the town's people are idiots. Also stupid enough to go after a person dear to her to a deep dark forest and to offer herself to be locked up for ultimate sacrifice. And then fall for the guy who holds the key to the prison...
Also that library gives me the biggest ladyboner ever!
The biggest question however is:
For who could ever learn to love a beast. Or a Belle (other than Gaston).
