Charge!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind? I don't. But lately I've been feeling like this:

Imagine a tall, dark, ominous castle. I'm just outside it with a group of people. They are all proper knights, and I'm just a sorry squire. There's an evil dragon inside the castle who is holding women from different cities hostage. They have been imprisoned for a long time. They might not be alive anymore, but I did hear a scream a while ago.

I have my short sword, my helmet and my keen attitude to save the women and with them the villages they were robbed from. Unfortunately it is a foreign country and I don't know my way around the castle. I'm just a squire, I wasn't meant to fight the dragons. I turn to the knights. I tell them I heard a scream and if we act fast, we might still be able to save someone.

Squire, from Dungeon Defenders

One of the knights has fallen asleep while I was admiring the castle. He is snoring loudly and does not even budge when I poke him. Another one said he'd take a leak and we haven't seen him since. That was days ago. One has broken his sword and he is swinging the rest of it in the air. He is ready for action, but unfortunately the sword is not.

The fourth one looks at the castle, turns to me and asks if I know are the women blond. I do know, because I have seen them. He doesn't care for brunettes, and since he would probably have to marry a rescued woman, it would be better to know beforehand if they are to his liking.

Then there's one who has all the equipment and everything, he sits there sharpening his sword and he knows everything about dragons. Unfortunately he has already promised to free a dozen other virgins, maids, princesses and whatnot. And the castle is not even in his territory.

The problem is that even though the castle is tall, dark and ominous, the distressed maidens are on the first floor. We could see them, if we just would peek through the window. And actually the dragon is quite old and lazy. If the maidens are dead, they have probably died of hunger, and not because of the enemy. We could pretty much charge inside and the rescue would be done in an instance. And I can't storm the castle, because... well, it seems I've lost my bottoms as you can see from the picture. I keep poking and poking the knights to do something. One is missing, one doesn't care, one doesn't have the equipment and one... I don't even know.

We are all fighting our battles and usually it's not like a fairy tale, more like a comedy.

Suicide Bunnies

Damn smoochies are here again

It is that time of the year again and like in 2015, I welcome you to the

VALENTINE'S DAY EXTRAVAGANZA!

I have no idea why everything is an extravaganza for me, but I guess it's a funny word. And funny words should be used often.


Next stop, song of the day. For this love filled day I chose Cake's Love You Madly. Now, let's get down to business.

 That's it. Have a very merry day with your loved one or a friend or your computer!

To the moon

Hello. My name is Luci and I'm icky.

Chiara Bautista

When I say icky, I don't mean disgusting. I mean icky as in loveydovey. Icky is something I say when my sister is smooching with her bf. Icky is when I see an old couple walking down the street still holding hands. Icky is when my friend tells something cute about their significant other even though they've been together forever. Icky is cute. Icky is romantic. I am icky and I like icky.

I was looking for a piece of lyrics or a poem the other day from my old hand-written little books which some has worked as diaries on the side too. Fourteen years ago I had met a man I first described as a person who fills my need of human interaction. Someone who doesn't satisfy my soul. Later on I've been complaining about him constantly. Seems like all my heartaches and worries on the verge of becoming an adult had something to do with him.

There were so many things that made me want to scream at the book "Get out, get out get out now!". But of course I can't turn back time and go tell that silly little girl how fucked up the situation was. Why I didn't understand that was not how it was supposed to go, why I didn't have the courage to leave, why I didn't have more self value... I will never understand. But I guess I had to go through that to become the person I am today. We all have to grow up somehow and that relationship was my way of doing it.

The contrast the diaries casts for this day is amazing. I'm finally in a relationship where I'm valued by both sides. There are so much feelings, good all around. We can talk about anything. We can joke about things and we both laugh. He does these sweet little things and I like to think I do the same for him. I can feel it, the feeling is almost touchable.

Though it is too early (I know what you cynics are thinking over there), I can tell this is a good relationship. A healthy relationship. And I wonder why is it so hard to recognise one from all the crap out there. I wish I could make a list of signs here, just like in the earlier post about the signs how to tell he loves you. But relationships are tricky and people are so different. Something works for others, something doesn't.

It's about the feeling, how the other person makes you feel when you're around them and when you're apart. If you write in your diary "he makes me feel so insignificant and dumb", the relationship might not the one. If you have to work out artificial rules for your relationship, then you might be screwed. I don't mean the occasional who does the dishes or a monthly date night out, but if you want to start regulating something the other person does on a regular basis... Not a good sign.

There are no shortcuts and sometimes a relationship can feel like a drag. That doesn't mean it's necessarily doomed. But if you constantly feel the relationship doesn't give anything good for you, if it makes you lose yourself and makes you feel bad about yourself, if you constantly question why are you together, then it might be the time to let go. I'm not saying you deserve more, because some of us are naturally pieces of shit, but it will probably work better with someone else. Or alone. Being alone can be satisfying too.

I know this relationship I'm in is going to last from two things. One, is how he makes me feel. He has managed to open few tiny doors in me that I thought were shut forever. My viking left to raid coasts overseas for a month, and when he was leaving, he sounded very worried about me. As if I would miss him so much I couldn't function. Unheard of! No one has ever been worried about me like that. It's supposed to be the other way around. Since I'm made out of rocks emotionally and ice flows through my veins.

But he is right. And apparently I'm made out of marshmallow and cotton candy. It's only been few days but I can already feel the upcoming four weeks weighing heavy on my shoulders. To ease my longing I hang post-its on my wall for everyday he's gone that I can take out one at a time. Having something physical and visual to remind me that he is not gone forever hopefully helps. I also decided to write one thing I like about him on every post-it and I will probably give them to my viking when he returns from his travels.

The second one is how he treats me. I think it was our third date that he gave me a little Darth Vader toy to add to my "collection". I have around ten stuffed animals on my couch's back rest. That wasn't the only collection he wanted to contribute to. Let's just say he is not at all against me having a file full of dick pics.

So far every time a guy I like has asked me what I want for a present, I've answer the moon. I have never gotten that, which I guess is a good thing since I've heard rumours that having a moon is quite crucial for Earth to function as it should. Asking for the moon is a similar joke as to ask for world peace as a present.

Now. What is icky is that this christmas someone actually tried. I think this is closest one can get giving the moon without actually going to get the moon from the sky. My viking found a jeweller who makes jewelry from moonstones. The picture doesn't do it justice. He also bought me a piece of land on the moon. How. Cute. Is. That!

But I don't mean that he treats me well because he brings me presents and tries to keep me fat with chocolate. It's also how he helps me with everything I need help with - even when I don't even want his help. It's in how he drives through the night after a long shift just to get to sleep next to me. It's in his way of asking how my day was and being actually interested.

How he is reminds me why I was with my ex's in the first place. He reminds me of the good qualities they had that were slowly getting buried under the sand of time. My viking seems to have "best of both worlds" combining the things I've liked in men before and at least so far I haven't yet noticed what the downside of him is.

Today you can choose the song of the day yourself. I suggest picking one of these options:
Savage Garden - To the moon and back
Frank Sinatra - Fly me to the moon
King Harvest - Dancing in the moonlight
Mike Oldfield - Moonlight shadow
R.E.M. - Man on the moon
(It's not like they have much to do with the topic, except that they are songs that mentions the moon. But choosing yourself is important here because you can decide how the moon makes you feel.)

The Viking is away for the 14th, but don't you worry, I have no intentions of skipping Valentine's Day Extravaganza. Maybe it's even more important this year. Since I miss him. And since I'm finally in love. And I think he is the one.

But don't tell him I said that.

Because admitting it would be like admitting defeat in the world of rocks and ice.

More like me

It creeps up on you. You don't even know it first. It's like a slow shadow that covers you before you know it. It's a dark cloud that you didn't see until it's on top of you and it starts to rain.

And when you look back, you realise you should have known.

It's been dark. As it is supposed to be in the winter. But damn, it's been dark.

You've been sleeping a lot more. Few naps here and there. Waking up around noon. And you're still so damn tired. Maybe because of all the nightmares you've been having.

You stay home. It's so comfortable there. Easy access to naps. And it feels like such an effort to put on decent clothes. And leave. And meet people. Damn, you've totally forgot how much you hate people. And crowds. But mostly people.

Stay home and listen to music. Dark music. It gives you shelter. You're not alone in this world. But damn, sometimes you really want to be.

When's the last time you ate? No, that chocolate doesn't count. Nor that popcorn. Wait, when's the last time you actually cooked? Have you been eating what ever you can emptying the closets just so you don't have to go to the damned store?

Then one day you take a shower and  just randomly start to cry. Damn.

And this is when all the alarm bells went off in my head. I had had suspicions before. It's the sleeping that gives me away. When I feel like I'd rather hang myself than wake up for work, that's a sign.

I think the reason why I didn't notice earlier was because I apparently have the yearly Spring-homemaking-boom on too. I've never been depressed in the spring. Spring is the time when the days get longer, the winter starts to fade away. And because of all the increased light you can see how dirty your apartment is and you get the urge to clean it and probably rearrange it too. You feel that you need to change something in your life.

I don't know yet if this is a real episode. It might be because it's been coming for... years now. Or it might be a case of the (November) blues and it'll pass before I notice. What ever it is, it is something new. I never wanted to stay home and clean at the same time before. Don't tell my mom, she'd probably have a stroke... about the cleaning, not the blues.

So it's spring and I need a change in my life. Moving from this apartment before I graduate would be foolish. I still have my thesis to write so I can't really get a full-time job either. And where I am now is such a good place to be. It's flexible, the people are nice, there's no pressure (which might be part of the problem)... I would be stupid to change it now.

I've been thinking about the things I can change. I could go on a diet and lose weight. It would give me something to do and I would feel better after gaining so much weight in the past year. But when you don't really want to leave the house, it's really hard.

I could try to quit smoking. I heard about these pills that have helped people. But they might be for the people who have been smoking for fifteen years and two packs a day. Oh, and they might cause mental issues. So maybe not.

Also I don't know if it's a good idea to change things that can affect my mood negatively.

So I've been thinking of learning something practical might help. I've been thinking about driving and how a licence would be useful. I've been dabbling with this idea more and more every year because it would make travelling easier. No more one driver when going on a road trip. Easier to participate in fieldwork, and if I'd start now I would probably have one before next summer's fieldwork. So only positive things, and I would have time for it too. But it costs a lot of money and I'm not sure if I have that.

Year after year I dream more about a bigger house where I could have a studio of my own. Every time I would have the blues I could just lock myself in it and create the only thing good coming out of this: art. Sometimes I feel like someone chained my hands behind my back in this apartment and the only thing I can do is to smash my head against the keyboard.

I know I haven't published much here lately, but that doesn't mean I haven't been writing. I have two unfinished posts hanging there waiting to be finished.

Which they'll never be, but that's life. It will never be finished.

Sometimes I wonder if people can see the blues in me. A friend of mine noticed that I had been talking about sleeping a lot more lately and he asked if everything was okay. That was my first clue.

But I don't think it's something you can see. It's not something that is written on your face. It's something you can hear. It's hidden in the sentences, in the exhausted yes's when something needs to be done, it's in the silences and the absences. It's so much easier to notice something that is right in front of you than something that hides and seeks cover from curious stares.

Maybe that's a good thing. Fake it until you make it, they say. Fake it until you start to believe in it yourself. And what ever you do stop eating candy, drinking alcohol or what ever shit it is that you stuff your face with. That will just make you to be what you eat. Or at least feel like it.

The song of the day is In Flames - Alias.