The smallest things can be the loudest

Sometimes it's the littlest things. He forgot to buy the milk again. He interrupted when you were trying to tell something important. He left his clothes on the floor. It takes forever for him to answer your texts. And even after years of those little things becoming big things and breaking you two up, he can still irritate the hell out of you with the smallest things.

My ex sometimes sends me holiday greetings. Usually it's once or twice a year, but if we have met, he becomes inspired to do that more often. I always invite him to my birthday party but he never shows up. This summer we met in a different event and after that he has regularly asked me how I am, complained how I missed his birthday and wished me happy independence day. Few days ago I got a message where he wished merry Christmas to me. And by me, I mean he called me by my real first name. A name that people uses in official occasions. The name I use at work and at uni because it would be too weird to call me by any of the nicknames my friends have given me. A name that none of my foreign friends can pronounce. A name that my ex has NEVER called me by.

I usually don't mind his messages, though I always feel like he wants something. This time I didn't give him even the usual polite answer. His message underlined how much of strangers we are to each other after these years. And when I say years, I mean it. He almost broke me and I left him. There should really be no reason why either one of us would want to hold on to any kind of relationship. His message rushed all the bad things, small and huge, in my mind: The last night we were together when he finally admitted he couldn't stop drinking and literally chose a can of beer over our relationship. The one night he didn't come home at all and I had to call through our friends to locate him. The times he came home without shoes or the times he passed out on the bathroom floor.

But the memory that kills me the most is from the time we had been together for few years and I was still in gymnasium (or high school if you wish). I got pregnant and I was very nauseous, and we both agreed to get an abortion. I wanted it because I was way too young and still in the middle of growing up myself. He was scared and maybe he didn't trust we'd stay together. First he said he wasn't going to come with me to the hospital because he had an exam coming up. That stung. And even after a decade it still stings. He did end up coming with me, a book in his hand. I threw up at the stairs of the hospital. I threw up the painkillers. It was scary and it would've been scary as hell if he hadn't been there.

Things were never the same between us after that but we still stayed together for four years. I have never really regretted making the decision of getting an abortion. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be now if I hadn't, because I really want kids one day. And every time I think about that, I come to the conclusion that my life would probably be something close to agony and torture. Yes, I would probably have the cutest 10-year-old ever, but I think that might be the only thing making me happy in this dystopia. I might have married my ex, he probably would drink even more, I wouldn't have started uni and I would have destroyed what's left of my wrists working uneducated in manual labour. I imagine a shitty, shitty life. And I'm so unbelievably happy and lucky right now. Even being childless and single, I feel so blessed. This is the better timeline.

So why does he keep sending me messages? What does he want? We all have those people in our lives whose contact seeking efforts makes us uncomfortable. The past lovers or the people we have turned down or the ones who have never got the courage to even ask, but we know they would want to.

We all have those people but we also all are those people. I can name three people from the top of my head who probably sees me that way. It's like you know how things really are, but you can't help yourself. You still dream things were different and even though you know your messages are not been received with open arms, you keep sending them.

I've always known I am one of those people but I never really realised before that I too have those people on my contact list. I think it's a confidence thing. I didn't think I could effect someone in that way. But why not? Why couldn't I make someones socks spin in their feet? I'm pretty cute when I want to and the loud sexuality in my silence must be intriguing for someone.

I get asked the weirdest things because of that loudness. This past month my friends assumed I have had a threesome because apparently I'm that kind of person. I took that as a compliment. Other friend asked me in what language I moan. I told him he'll get his answer by making me do so. That might have been a mistake... I can be very suggestive in my words but in real I'm pretty much as stiff as an icicle. Still I've been ranked as the naughtiest person (some) people knows and yes, I take that too as a compliment. But I wonder (more often than I would like to admit) if that's really true. I wish there was a site or a form you could pass on to your blanket-fort buddies and ask them to rate you. "On a scale 1-10, how normal was that to you?" That would probably be the only thing that would make me want to get in touch with most my past.

PS. Did you know that Finland has been ranked as the most promiscuous country in the world? There has been studies made at least in 2000 and 2008 that both said Finland is number 1. I find this hilarious in comparison of how quiet Finns are. You can read more from wiki, The Economist and BigThink.

PPS. After reading through what I've written, I find it odd how comfortable I am writing about personal things. Reading this makes me more uncomfortable thinking how much of a bitch I am for writing about someone else without asking a permission first than anything personal of my own. So, my dear Ex, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I wish all the best for you, you're not a bad person. We wouldn't have been together that many years if you were. I don't think we can really change who we are, but we can use more courage and be more ourselves with that bravery. There are some things I need to talk about and there probably are a lot of things you should talk about to someone. It's not too late for that. Good luck.

#justfinnishthings

This is gonna be a long post, forgive me. 

I've been so unbelievably homesick lately that I can't even. It doesn't help that I've had a headache the past three days, stressing for schoolwork and for going back home and ofc it's that time of the month. I took a pill for the headache, did some school stuff and bought some chocolate, so those things are covered, but there's not much I can do to homesickness. And add to that it's the independence day of Funland.

I miss home. I miss toilet doors that opens outside. I miss bus fares that are the same for any distance inside a certain region. I miss people automatically giving space to each other while walking on the street. I miss tap water that tastes good. I miss my own university and the level of education there. I miss familiar currency and familiar products at the store so I could do some kind of comparison without it taking forever. I miss knowing that I can speak my mind and knowing I have the words and the ability to explain what I mean without having to rush and leave things half way (I'm so much more witty in my native language). I miss knowing what's socially acceptable. But most of all I miss my friends and family. I miss being Finnish and not having to justify it to anyone.

It comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning. Tomorrow I'll probably be fine again and thinking that I don't ever want to go back home. So many things are good here and I love the freedom and anonymity that speaking a foreign language gives me. Though I easily swear in situations it's frowned upon, a thing that I would not do in Finnish. I'm having fun here and I love my new friends, they give me different kind of energy that I never thought I could have. I think I have already changed, but for the good and I'm somewhat scared to go back home. What if I fall back to my old ways? What if I don't fit in anymore? As if I ever fit in...

I've always been a bit more patriotic than the average friend of mine but being in a foreign country makes me appreciate my homeland in a very profound way. Clean water and clean air are amazing things. Forests and lakes. Our body-image. The bittersweet melancholy which gives space for happiness too. Free education, health care, dental. Electronic and technological advantages. The history we have. Ecological thinking. Equality and the sexual revolution. Honesty and politeness. The fact that we have a metal cover of so many songs and we have a metal band just for kids. There are so many things wrong in Finland but there are so many things right that it makes it the best country in the world.

I'm listening to Finnish songs and being all teary-eyed. We have a national anthem "Maamme -laulu" (our land's song) but we also had a great composer once, you might have heard of him, called Jean Sibelius who wrote the song Finlandia hymn. It was never meant to be sang but lyrics were made for it almost immediately and they're absolutely beautiful. This is that song performed by a choir and it was an ad for the presidential elections some time back.

The lyrics are touching, the song states that the day of Finland has finally arrived and the terror of the night has been driven away. It also says that Finland should hold its head high because it has shown the world that it has banished slavery and has not bend under oppression. Your morning has begun, Finland.

The times are tough in Finland like they are everywhere. Money is scarce and funding from cultural, educational and health care section are being pulled. There are a lot of worries about human rights, and immigrants and refugees. The discourse is loud - luckily. For both for and against, but at least we are talking about it. The best statement so far was made recently by a store chain with their ad:

The song is a classic and the lyrics gets new meanings with this ad and the people singing it. The lyrics goes something along these lines: He happened to be born innocent / to this northern and cold land / where already the ancestors drunk - of course / beat up their wives and children if they could catch them / the son wanted to escape from the traditional fate / "I won't ever buy an axe and I will never drink booze / or otherwise I will loose the house" / it drives a man in desperation / when the frost harvests the crops / from the middle of cold soil silently / a cold eye is staring / when the axe rises / in the middle of the mounds, from soil of the ground / proudly the fathers are watching their sons / unemployment, alcohol, an axe and the family / snow blanket, police and the last mistake... And so on. It's a very depressing song, but putting in this context it shows us that we're not different from the immigrants and the colour of your skin doesn't determinate that you can't have the same roots as I do.

Finland is traditionally seen as a white and blue country. White as snow, blue from the thousand lakes (or the coldness which makes us change colour from the captains of chalk ships to very unhealthy blueberries). The world is changing and so is Finland with it. I can only imagine the hardships those people go through who moves to Finland and I see it better every day now that I'm far away struggling myself with unfamiliar surroundings. Though I blend in in every Western country for being brown-haired and green-eyed, so one can't tell just by looking at me that I'm necessarily foreign. I've encountered enough cat-calling for being able to imagine what racism could be like, but I imagine it to be something much worse.

Today there's much more colour in Finland and that should be seen as a good thing. Learning about different cultures doesn't only teach us about the world, but it also makes us learn more about ourselves. Not looking beyond our own navel makes us narrow-minded in so many levels and thinking that our ways are the best makes us stand still. You are allowed to pick and choose the best for you and you are allowed to be yourself whatever that might be. It's not okay to break the law or not try living with the rules of the community, but as a person you should be what you are. It's hypocritical of us Finns to judge others when we consider being different a good thing. I know we bow to the Western culture and we want to be known and recognised but we still embrace our difference. Finnish culture wouldn't give up saunas even if rest of the world would criticise it. So why is it so hard to let others be what they want? Why do we think we're so superior and at the same time we have a huge inferiority complex.

Being away from home is hard. Many of my friends don't realise how much I would appreciate hearing from them, talking to them in my mother tongue and just overall being surrounded by familiar things even if it's through interwebs. I find solace in chatting with a friend who lives in a neighbouring country because I imagine he has gone through similar things as I have. He probably hasn't, but I like to relate even if it's just figure of my imagination. And he is one of the few people who pokes me from time to time asking me how it's going. I appreciate that. Though chatting with him is a bit dangerous - this is a person I've mentioned in the blog few times before and I would tell you guys the whole story if I didn't know he occasionally reads this. And on the note of men, I'd like to give an update on what's going on. But first a song to ease the transition.

I am tired of using technology and I need you right in front of me. Which means I'm quite tired of online dating. I miss feeling the rising tension of meeting your crush and I think online dating makes things too mechanical. I did have quite good experience just now: few so romantic dates that they are in my top5 along with the text message saying "the streets are flooding, can I call you?" and kissing at the airport right after meeting.

One of the best parts of him is that he has no idea how good looking he is. He told me that he has made some drastic changes in his life and he doesn't see how much good they've done for him. The worst part is that he has no space in his life and he doesn't realise how much that can affect another person. There's also cultural differences, me thinks, because as a Finn I appreciate punctuality a lot. I can be flexible but if you expect me to be that elastic outside the bedroom, it's not fun anymore.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in being friends first and dating later. Then you already know you're compatible and you know most of the things the other person does. With online or blind dating the connotation is always romantic or at least sexual first. There's some kind of touching of the skins before you really know the other person and then people rather do that than talk.

All the best -guy said the same thing as Dragonborn, and I think they're right. They both blamed me for attacking or pointing out the flaws in them. My friends have always told me I'm too judgemental and I guess that hasn't changed. I will think about this a lot and hopefully I'm able to change my ways because I don't want to be the person who keeps nagging. I think it has something to do with this:

But it's not just about romance. It's about everything. When I see greatness, I'm many times disappointed that the person doesn't see it himself and hasn't reached it yet. Perhaps pointing out the things would help them to realise those things and then help to reach them. It doesn't work like that, I know, and I have to stop doing that. This is why we need to date people that are compatible. Someone who knows you, knows what you mean when you do things, or say things, knows your tone of voice, knows the way you are and the way you act. Dating people blindly is tiresome; getting to know new people again and again in hopes that they will fulfil your hopes and dreams is exhausting.

At least I'm learning things about myself everyday. Both living abroad and dating are good ways to know more of who you are. I truly thank the people and the world for the feedback. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger . After few weeks when I go back home, I will be hard as a rock.

One more (Finnish!) song for the occasion. The lyrics say that you're finally starting to realise that you don't need permissions from anyone, that you're too beautiful to be ashamed and there's nothing to lose, so just let go, be beautiful, indecent and happy. That's truly what a strong independent Finnish woman should be.