When the fuck did I became such a positive person? Few days ago I felt beaten, broken and hurt. Already yesterday I felt like "Fuck that!" and decided to be happy. It took a little step back when I slipped and fell but good thing my butt is upholstered and the bruise isn't even that bad. See, there I did it again! Sometimes I have so much faith in the future that I freak myself out.
I thought about writing the whole story why I flipped out so much but when I started to go over it in my head I noticed how ridiculous it sounded. So yet again, I have a collection of quotes in pictures that will explain the whole thing.
It started out long time ago and escalated to this:
Looking back it was mostly this:
I thought I just have to deal with the heartache that he had nothing to do with, when I heard a rumour.
It made me so sad and disappointed that he didn't tell it to me himself.
I was angry. But it was the good kind of anger, cleansing anger. I needed to be mad to get over my expectations.
Even though I'm hurt and it will take time until I can look at that person with a smile on my face I'm still glad it wasn't a bad and vicious person who hurt me.
But still:
I was gonna have a mourning period. Time of anger, self pity and sadness. Then I saw this quote:
I am lucky. I have so many things to be grateful for, so why waste my time with stupid stuff. "You don't fall in love by chance, you choose" and the same thing goes for happiness. I would rather be happy - who wouldn't. I probably should go through these episodes in my head thoroughly and not just bury them under the rug, but honestly I have no idea how to do that. Maybe I'm just fast in processing stuff. Hopefully one day I will reach this:
Okay fine. I admit it. I live inside my head, in my thoughts. Mostly. Sometimes it's good to come out of there, but many times it's painful to rip myself out of my comfort zone that is my little world. I almost slammed a door to this guys face few weeks ago, shared some words with him and then on my way home from school I couldn't remember how he looked like anymore. I can have days without leaving the inner world of my own head and I might not be dragged out of there even if I'm in the presence of other people.
I'm probably going to be even more turned inside this spring and I'm afraid what will it do to the blog. If I don't have social porn to share (as in me and my super-interesting dating life), what will I write about? I know some of you won't mind more WoW -stories (Juju and I totally killed in BG's today, it was awesome!). There might be few people from the university reading so I could post stories about what I've learnt or what is wrong with our school system (the school where points are made up and the grades don't matter). I could spam posts with more inspirational quotes or jokes from the deep depths of interweb (why is it called a beauty sleep when I wake up looking like a troll?).
I don't know yet what the future posts will be but this time I thought I would entertain you with some music. I finally caught up with the present times and started using Spotify. I found interesting lists of one-hit-wonders and I'm gonna share the best bits I've found with you guys. Through my loyal friend, YouTube, ofc. Weirdly these songs fit well with my current mood.
Amazing music vids, believe you me.
This next one actually has a good video, I suggest to watch it.
This song is relevant in more than one way. I didn't want to link the official video, because it was too humorist and ruins the song. Have you noticed how many songs there are about the one last/only night?
Last but not least. Something that probably made Cher and Whitney Houston jealous. And look at her clothes... damn. I want what she's wearing.
I don't know if the last song is so relevant but it does make me feel better. I haven't lost love, I didn't get a chance for it. Though I don't know if I ever truly loved. Time fades the memories. And I don't think I've ever been loved, like truly, madly, deeply loved, either. One-sided love feels different, I assume, than both-sided love. I would "gladly" mourn if I had lost something true, but it's just "towards new disappointments" again and again. I don't know if I can stop hoping, but being constantly on a state of wishing and dreaming is exhausting, and I'd rather not keep doing that anymore. If something comes, then something comes. I will probably be hesitant to accept and/or believe it after all these years of having hopes and dreams not fulfilled. How can I expect anyone to love me when I'm not open to love someone myself? Sometimes I wonder if my past relationships have failed because I haven't really been capable of letting go of control. I should stop expecting of others and enjoy my own feelings. All that said, one day I will love again. And I will be loved back.
The biggest lie of our generation is the sentence "I'm fine". Usually when I say I'm fine, I've been crying in the shower or slept the whole day. Today when I said I'm fine I did mean it. At least in a sense that I will be fine. I never thought I would do something as childish as to delete someone out of all my contact lists but here we are. I'm almost thirty and I finally did it. It wasn't out of spite, I've been considering it for a while now. A year actually, from time to time. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves and get some distance to people who are no good for us.
Trying to get rid of someone who has been a big part of my life makes me feel weird. Imagine your body to be one thing, the shape of yourself. Then imagine your soul to be another thing, a ghostly shape, but still the same shape as your body. And then imagine yourself walking, but your soul drags behind. Not much, just like a second, but still it's not attached to the rest of you entirely. That's how I feel right now. But I don't really believe in all that dualism bullshit.
There are things that repeats in my life year after year. Usually in November I get awfully depressed. In November if I say I'm fine, don't believe it for a second. In the summer I have my birthday so that brings all kinds of weirdness with it. I can already imagine how odd I will be around the time I hit the next decade. When the spring is sneaking in, I get the feeling of wanting to change things. I feel like I should do something drastic, get out of everything. Usually I move or at least rearrange my house. Right now I have this urge to get out, out of my own life. I really hope I'll manage to find an exchange student spot. A year or even few months somewhere else might do me good.
When I feel lost, I try to find my roots. This means I'll try to find myself in what I've been through or what I've become from the moments I've experienced. Often I do that through music. I don't know what would I do without music!
Don't worry, I'm not the supporter of suicide. But sometimes when my mind race with utter nonsense, I feel like it would be a good idea to just blow my brains to the wall. Or maybe lobotomy would be the salvation. With this whole ordeal of deleting someone from my contacts I couldn't help but to think maybe virtual connection is not always the best thing. Behind the anonymity and the environment in general I've always found it easier to express my inner thoughts to people. Be more open and more approachable. But when I think too much, it sometimes feels like there's those cartoon bubbles floating above my head revealing everything I've ever thought even for a second. Being face-to-face might help us conceal things that just are not meant to be public. Though I've always been an open book in a way. I might not tell people straight up anything but if I'm asked, I usually answer with more information than is required. TMI should be my middle name. And I don't lie, I can rarely even bend the truth for my benefit.
I think this spring will finally be the time I spend quality time with myself. Without any interference from those who have more hanging in their pants than I do. It will probably be rough and lonely, but I think it will do me good. Less craziness, less dates and worrying about them or the people around me, more focusing on schoolwork that I have been neglecting way too much and maybe it's a time to invest in friends this year. I'm a stronk independent woman, why the hell would I even need a man? Oh right, can't marry myself and certainly can't get myself pregnant. Well, I have a friend who I made a bet with that I'm happily in a relationship with all of those things before I'm 34 so what's the rush. I can't find The Guy from the debts of the interweb nor going around the town so I better stay put and wait for him to ring my doorbell. That will happen, right?
Humor is a way of coping, you know, and there's nothing wrong with that. *nod*
I haven't felt very happy the past few days. I see the shadows of past lingering too close again. I've taken too much responsibility and now my trial is to survive all of them. I know I should give up something to make room for breathing but I can't do that. I can't break my promises, commitments and there are people who depend on me. Like I told my friend, I just need to get my shit together. Even if it kills me.
Sitting at home in the darkness of the winter is not good for the soul, trust me. I forget to eat or I forget that I've already eaten. I don't sleep and when I manage to fall asleep finally, I have weird nightmares. I feel like crying most of the times and I just keep going over all the things I should've done and I still need to do. Thank goodness I have to go back to work soon! I know I will feel better when I do something meaningful and not just dwell on my own misery. Usually this time of the year I plan my next trip so there's something wonderful to look forward. This year I think it's best if I don't book a flight before my latest trip has been paid. I started my new year by cutting a credit card in half. Still I'm not worried about finances, as long as I have a job and live responsibly, there's nothing to worry about. And with the money I've had I've paid such wonderful things that it would be foolish to regret any of them.
What I worry is that I've started to fall back on old thoughts. I've had a bit more interaction with people from my earlier years and they haven't changed. I have to believe I have and stay strong. At least this time I noticed what they were doing during and not after. This time I'm not going to be stupid enough to fall for bullying, I will held my head up high and know that I'm better than what they think of me. But it's hard when people I thought were my friends have no respect, it really hurts. I shouldn't let things get to me. I won't let them get to me.
Some things are meant to be left behind. I'm not very good at dealing with stuff so I usually just brush them off and carry on. The problem is that sometimes I make the mistake of looking back. When something reminds me of something bad or something good that I've lost... it's a slippery slope.
I've started Pinterest'ing and mostly roam around there reading quotes and other silly sentences. As you've might already notice, I like inspirational little pictures a lot. I'll spam you guys with few of my new findings. Maybe they'll provoke some thoughts or bring back memories in you as they've done for me. But first, a song (I can't believe I'm linking this artist again):
When I can't sleep at night, I start to build castles in the clouds to keep the bad thoughts away.
Have you ever had the feeling that you shouldn't feel that way towards someone? Or that s/he is not an ideal match but you can't help but having butterflies in your stomach? Or that you would do very stupid things for another person?
This is not just about letting yourself go for love, but I think this is one of the reasons why smart people don't have children (watch Idiocracy, seriously).
I think this one is more about love than anything else. I'm not good at letting go and flying on the wings of emotions and I need to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to let go.
After I heard my friend say something bad about my other friend and then I saw this, I felt like shit.
One morning was particularly bad but this helped me to get through it. I'm not religious but I guess I believe in some kind of faith or destiny or some sort of supernaturalistic force.
This I think is pretty self explanatory. And simple. Good thing there's usually more than one door so even if the front door is blocked, there's still way out from the back door.
And this. It's a wall of text and not the best grammar but it's worth to read.
I know you might think I have a horrible taste in music, and it's probably true, but as everyone else I listen to it for the certain kind of feeling I get from it. So here's one more from my top (your bottom) list to enjoy:
And if an angel comes my way, I'm gonna try to catch her - if I can
Do anything to get her to stay. Baby, that's the way I am.
You can call me stupid, say I should give you up but I can't do it.
No matter what you do I'm hanging on and on and on.
Don't, don't ask me why I stay, don't say I could do better.
Hey it's just a little rain and we can't get much wetter.
Let me hold you when you cry, just let go and close your eyes.
No matter what you do I'm hanging on and on and on.
Yet again not the best grammar but it's not like I should be even talking about that subject. But I've already accepted I'm weird and a fool, your judgement means nothing to me. Can you look in the mirror and say the same? I think I'm not the only fool around here since this blog has over 4000 views. Thank you all for reading and witnessing my 1,5yr of singleness! I'm not (unfortunately) done with this sillywilly-ness yet.
