We all are scared of something. Some of us are scared of simple things. Common things that are quite easy relate to. Like big dogs, heights, or like I am afraid of the dark. I've been afraid of the dark for as long as I remember. When I was about 10y old we moved to a new house that was at least twice as big as the old one. I had my very own room for the first time in my life. And what a huge room it was! For a bed at first I had a couch that could be opened to a double bed. I kept it in the middle of the room because I was scared of the unknown space around me in the night. That was when I started to learn how to sleep in the dark alone.
When it's dark enough I feel the panic rising inside me. I look around nervously, I can't breath properly because the scary hand of darkness is squeezing my chest and I feel like crying. I'm constantly afraid something or someone will sneak up on me and my imagination starts to run wild. It especially happens if I'm walking alone in the woods or inside a big building alone (good thing I work in a huge museum, that's not scary at all...). Last time my friends did a prank on me was seven or eight years ago when we had been barbecuing in the woods Finn style and I was walking back to urban area with someone. Two guys jumped out from the shadows and scared the living daylights out of me. I started crying. The guys were so dreadfully sorry that I couldn't be mad at them. After that I've told people how easily I get scared and make sure they understand that it's in no way funny how I react.
When I walk home at night in the dark when the streets are empty I take precautions actions. I walk in the middle of the road, I stay in lighted areas if I can, I stop playing music through my ear buds and I keep my phone in my hand. When I dress up for the night out I keep in mind the journey I have to take to get back home too. So no high heels if I don't have another pair of shoes with me. I try not to look back but I can't help it because it wouldn't be the first time I would be followed. Every time I read about "female privilege" I remember the fear I go through for being the gender I am. I'm not saying it has everything to do with what hangs or doesn't hang between my legs or even the most of it, but it does have something to do with that fear.
Not all of us are afraid of the common things or maybe they are afraid of more intangible things.The fear of being alone or maybe it's just the opposite. I knew too many people who are afraid of commitment (most of my ex-boyfriends btw). What ever it is - as they say - we can't let it control our lives. There's three type of people those who are rohkea (brave), those who are uhkarohkea (reckless and rash, dumb brave if you may, literal translation "threat brave") and those who are between them. I'm usually on the sissy side and I blame my imagination for it.
I can imagine how badly everything can turn out and that gives me cold feet. The good part is that because I have such a vivid imagination I can also imagine a good outcome through any kind of trouble. That makes me a bit rash and the only steam to power my bravery. Mostly I chicken out in physical things because I imagine the worst kind of pain to be the outcome, but in relationships I'm more keen to try how things go. "It's always a risk to love", as Peter McWilliams said. "What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does."
I talked with a friend of mine today on the phone for an hour. She moved to the other side of the world couple of years ago and it's always such a pleasure to hear from her. We ended up talking how she knew a woman that was beaten to death just last month (Laajasalon murha) just because the lady went to defend dogs that her murderer was beating. After my friend overseas heard this had happened she saw someone doing something minorly bad and she was about to go intervene when she thought she might get beaten up for that. My other friend who surprisingly ended up in police academy once ran after an armed robber. One of my ex's once went to break up a fight and ended up with a broken bone in his arm, surgery and five screws to keep the bone intact.
In scary situations we all act differently. And our actions depends on our life experience. I think the more experience we have, the more easily we act with bravery. Those who have more certainty of surviving the outcome can act more brave. Then again, if enough bad things happen or so bad things that you're left scarred is a whole other story.
It takes a lot of courage to make changes in your life. Having a horrible or unsatisfying job can feel like a trap, but uncertain future seems more gloomy. A bad relationship may seem to be a better solution than being alone. Sometimes I look around people close to me and I pity them. I hope they would find the courage to change their lives because I know they deserve better. But happiness doesn't usually drop down from sky or knock on your door. You have to work for your happiness and make choices that are scary as fuck. The one thing I've learnt in my years on this earth is that things always end up fine. Better even than they were. I can't walk up to people and tell them they need to make this or this change in their life. I can only support them on their decision and suggest the one I think is a better option.
But I wish I could tell them that there's nothing worse in life than fear. Fear that paralyses won't bring you happiness. There's a risk you will lose everything but there's always a chance that you get what you wanted. You have friends and family you can depend on. If push comes to shove, there's always someones couch you can hog for three months and it might not seem ideal at that time, in the end you're glad you made a brave move. A move for yourself because from time to time it's okay to think of yourself and depend on other people. As so many has depended on you so far.
I used so many of the good quotes I've been stashing that I don't know what am I gonna do when the next time I feel like writing. All the pics without text are pictures I use as wallpapers.
Whoah, this was a heavy topic. Here's the gag relief. It's a "poem" (again) I scribbled in Turkey before I passed out in the 10h bus ride. It's not even a poem, it doesn't even rhyme. But sharing is scaring, so enjoy my horrible penmanship.
You are not like poison
because you are not killing me
You are not an infection
because you are not spreading
Being with you without being yours
is like being rotten to the core
Life is livable but your presence
is an everlasting reminder
of what I could never have
When I look at the barren hills
I miss your snowy mountains
When I bathe in in the sunlight
I miss your sea wind
When I smile to strangers
I miss your hospitality
You are not my everything
But you are everywhere in me
Everywhere with me
I feel whole
With you I feel more
I am more
Against your shoulder I want to lean on
Against your skin I want to rub my nose
Rest my head against your chest
Listen to your heart beat
Eternally against me
The southern lights reminds me of you
but there is no warmth in the sun
I miss the northern darkness
In the shadows I see you
but in the dark winter night
there are no shadows
That's all. Be brave, my darlings!
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