The d-dilemma

I had a terribad christmas holiday. I was sick and I felt lonely and angry for being away from the ones I love. And then in need of a lot of chocolate, if you know what I mean. It was a miserable New Years because I had nothing to do. My advise to you is that if you're considering moving abroad, do it for the whole year. The four months for me is just too short to build a life and make friends. What's the point of making deeper connections since you're going to lose them so soon and maybe forever.

So I did what I do. I browse internet. Comment here and another there. Next thing I know dickpics in my inbox are on the rise. This time I even got  a video and a gif. My first ever dick-gif, btw. I've also spent a lot of time talking about why do guys send pictures of their junk. They sometimes ask something in return and when I decline, they still send pictures of themselves. Some wants to show off, some are insecure about themselves and needs reinforcement, some do it for the excitement. Today one guy told me that he sent me a dickpic because he was feeling blue and it made him feel better. That it made him feel like he was interacting with someone. That almost broke my heart. And what a weird feeling looking at a picture of him after that...

I wish I could show you what kind of pics I get. Some guys are very creative about it. They have something for scale next to it, they have different clothes, different backgrounds, different postures and point of views. It's quite interesting. I think I've mentioned this before but my interest in dickies is not sexual. I tried to explain to one guy I was once dating that I could have a folder of bunnypics instead, it would have the same effect. They are nice to look at, they can be funny, they are different and they can even be artistic. There are as many different dicks in the world as there are guys. Maybe after few decades I print them out and have an art show, who knows.

I almost deleted the folder because of that guy who didn't understand why I had it and why I would want to keep it. After that I've tried to be more open about it and tell about my little hobby in the beginning. If it scares the guy away, good riddance. Then it definitely wasn't the one for me. I was bored when I was sick so I decided to invest in entertainment and I bought one month worth of subscription of Tinder so I could move my location to home and see what kind of market there is. There are some potential people, I had forgotten how good Finnish guys looks. In England there are gorgeous guys and then fugly guys, nothing in between it feels like. In Funland there are plenty of guys that might not be drop-dead-gorgeous but certainly a sight for sore eyes.

So I've been chatting. The main question has changed from "How do you like England?" to "Where the hell are you when this says we're 1660 kilometres away!". The most difficult question so far has been "What do you do for fun?". Umm.. I... Play video games... and shake my booty... I really need a solid hobby that gives me a good answer to that question. Pimping my online dating profile by actually doing stuff, best plan ever! I was asked what sub-category I represent as a geek. I didn't know what to answer, but after talking with my sister who was visiting me here, I came to the conclusion that I'm a social geek. Everything I do involves other people somehow. I couldn't even name one single-player game I play. This revelation made me feel more normal than in years.

And I think I struck some kind of goldmine again. I know, I know, I've said this before. That's why I'm very cautious this time. But fuck he is funny. And similar to me, but not too much. Chatting with him is so easy. But I have to wait weeks until I get to meet him and possibly be disappointed. I feel like I'm one foot back home already. I should take it easy but I also kinda just want to enjoy the ride. Failure is likely anyways so why not make the best out of it? He doesn't even care about my d-file! I'm screwed, aren't I?

Other thing that worries me is that now that I'm going home, I might have time for an actual relationship. When that thought hit me, I almost panicked. I'm not ready! I have so many (stupid) singlelife-things to do! Never in my life has commitment scared me before, I guess I've been flying solo for long enough to appreciate it. It would be so... karma if it would happen now. My life is in order and I've started to focus on other stuff. Considering how much I complain about not finding The One... ahh women, amirite? Well, he just needs to read this blog and then I'm off to new adventures again. Maybe I'll kiss a girl. Or even two people at the same time. Why is life so confusing?