I'm fine.

The biggest lie of our generation is the sentence "I'm fine". Usually when I say I'm fine, I've been crying in the shower or slept the whole day. Today when I said I'm fine I did mean it. At least in a sense that I will be fine. I never thought I would do something as childish as to delete someone out of all my contact lists but here we are. I'm almost thirty and I finally did it. It wasn't out of spite, I've been considering it for a while now. A year actually, from time to time. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves and get some distance to people who are no good for us.

Trying to get rid of someone who has been a big part of my life makes me feel weird. Imagine your body to be one thing, the shape of yourself. Then imagine your soul to be another thing, a ghostly shape, but still the same shape as your body. And then imagine yourself walking, but your soul drags behind. Not much, just like a second, but still it's not attached to the rest of you entirely. That's how I feel right now. But I don't really believe in all that dualism bullshit.

There are things that repeats in my life year after year. Usually in November I get awfully depressed. In November if I say I'm fine, don't believe it for a second. In the summer I have my birthday so that brings all kinds of weirdness with it. I can already imagine how odd I will be around the time I hit the next decade. When the spring is sneaking in, I get the feeling of wanting to change things. I feel like I should do something drastic, get out of everything. Usually I move or at least rearrange my house. Right now I have this urge to get out, out of my own life. I really hope I'll manage to find an exchange student spot. A year or even few months somewhere else might do me good.

When I feel lost, I try to find my roots. This means I'll try to find myself in what I've been through or what I've become from the moments I've experienced. Often I do that through music. I don't know what would I do without music!

Don't worry, I'm not the supporter of suicide. But sometimes when my mind race with utter nonsense, I feel like it would be a good idea to just blow my brains to the wall. Or maybe lobotomy would be the salvation. With this whole ordeal of deleting someone from my contacts I couldn't help but to think maybe virtual connection is not always the best thing. Behind the anonymity and the environment in general I've always found it easier to express my inner thoughts to people. Be more open and more approachable. But when I think too much, it sometimes feels like there's those cartoon bubbles floating above my head revealing everything I've ever thought even for a second. Being face-to-face might help us conceal things that just are not meant to be public. Though I've always been an open book in a way. I might not tell people straight up anything but if I'm asked, I usually answer with more information than is required. TMI should be my middle name. And I don't lie, I can rarely even bend the truth for my benefit.

I think this spring will finally be the time I spend quality time with myself. Without any interference from those who have more hanging in their pants than I do. It will probably be rough and lonely, but I think it will do me good. Less craziness, less dates and worrying about them or the people around me, more focusing on schoolwork that I have been neglecting way too much and maybe it's a time to invest in friends this year. I'm a stronk independent woman, why the hell would I even need a man? Oh right, can't marry myself and certainly can't get myself pregnant. Well, I have a friend who I made a bet with that I'm happily in a relationship with all of those things before I'm 34 so what's the rush. I can't find The Guy from the debts of the interweb nor going around the town so I better stay put and wait for him to ring my doorbell. That will happen, right?

Humor is a way of coping, you know, and there's nothing wrong with that. *nod*