Cheesy

What if there was a person who could say just the right things to you.

I miss you.

I don't want to lose you.

Give me a chance.

I ache with every moment you're out of my life.

What if he would be the better in most of the "is it better" scenarios. What if he would fetch the moon for you if you asked. What if you knew your life would never be dull with him. What if he could be everything you ever wanted.

But your heart just doesn't skip a beat for him. What if the remains of your trust in love would hang on to something else. Someone else. What if you had been hurt so many times that you couldn't trust any word of sweet nothings he whispered in your ear. What if he made you even more confused than you already were.

What if you just plainly assumed he could "turn the shadow of things into things and change every lie to truth". What if you were filled with so much doubt that you couldn't trust anyone who says they like you.

I know this is a silly song but the lyrics fit my mood. 

I saw a crappy movie the other day. It was barely watchable and it was utterly cheesy (even for me) but it had one good line that saved the whole movie:

I want to be able to look at you and not be so hurt by you.

Even though I haven't had that many men in my life, I come with baggage. My baggage are the trust issues. I keep thinking "what if I believe him now, how much of a fool will I feel myself when he betrays me?" or "what if this one doesn't treat me well either, what if I waste too many years yet again with a relationship that ends?". Who am I to say to people that they will find someone, that there is someone out there, when I'm not sure about that for myself?

How does one heal a broken heart especially when it's your own?

We're not looking for someone perfect. Not the one who wins several rounds of "is it better". We want someone who makes us giggle and gives us sweaty palms. We want someone we can dream about. We don't want the real thing although we wish for it to be real. We want something magical.

But in the end we just want something. Not anything but something. We need it and we crave for it. And we just have to hope that person dances well with our demons because we can't know that for sure beforehand. We desperately don't want to end up alone.

We're on a small and sinking boat in the middle of the wide ocean with the only choices to either drink the salty water and hope we'll survive or not drink anything at all and hope we can last long enough to be saved.