What is love? After my last post a guildie asked me if I'm in love. Just couple of days before I'd been wondering it myself too. Am I in love? How can you tell? I think falling in love, being in love and loving someone are not even close of being the same thing. I can love someone without being in love with him, I can fall in love with someone without ever loving him. But what is being in love? Is it the giggly-crush feeling we sometimes get? Is it love when you can't even say the other persons name without smiling? Is it love when you're border to being obsessed with the person? Sometimes for me it's so hard to see the difference between obsession and being in love. Maybe the only difference in those maniacal feelings are the butterflies in the tummy.
Am I in love? How can you tell? I don't want to be. It's not the happy kind of love when you can just dream your life away and at some point the reality then becomes sweeter than your dreams. No, my love would be the obsessive type. No matter what I try, I just can't let go. How I torture myself dreaming of being happy even though I know it's not going to happen. How I sit here and imagine how it would feel like if someone extra-special walked through that door right now.
I don't think he even knows how he tortures me. I don't know if he realises how bat-shit-crazy he makes me. And it's totally okay to tell this to him here because I know he will never read this. Love sees no colour, love is blind. And it is dumb too. Wouldn't it be easier to fall for someone more available, more suited, someone who would read my blog? Someone who would possibly like me back... And here the vicious cycle of dreaming starts again. I dream for a moment, then become angry at myself, then angry at him and then the whole world - and then I decide to forget the whole thing. *determined nod*
It ain't so easy, is it now? Show me a person who has fallen and then forgot about breaking a skull on the impact. And forgetting is the easy part. Even harder is the letting go -part. I thought seeing someone else would help the case, but it didn't. And it's not really fair for the other guy to use him as a threshold for a brighter future. Focusing on something else should help, right? Nope. Try to read something, I dare you. It's just impossible to concentrate. Or the only book that you are able to even open is something that makes you dream of the two of you together. And then you get angry. At yourself first, then him, then the whole world and then you decide to forget the whole thing. You can't focus on reading, you can't focus on work, even in your sleep you're dreaming. Cleaning or sports gives you way too much time to think, so what do?
I have no idea. Sit and whine. It won't help you much but it'll sure make your friends dislike you even more. Wonder why your friends never call you anymore? Because they're all in a relationship and they are so sick and tired of you rambling on and on about the same guy for months. So if you reach the point that there's nothing else you can do about it but to whine then at least whine to strangers. It's good to have some friends left when all this is over. When you two get together and it's all magical and... NO DREAMING! And now I'm mad. Again.
There's nothing I can do. It's the "suffer in silence" kind of thing. It will pass. Time will, so why wouldn't it too? It will fly by as fast as this heatwave.
I think I know hundreds of songs that could fit this feeling but none of them felt just right with this text. So no song today. Suffer in silence. And baby, don't hurt me.
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