My friend has a birthday today and she's couple years younger. I wanted to tell her that she should enjoy her youth while it lasted. But then I thought being younger wasn't that great, I'm happier and more satisfied with my life as the years go by.
I'm not saying I'm old. I'm not yet there that I have to reminisce the years when all my limbs still worked and I dance, dance, danced. I can still dance and I wish I did it more often. Although there might be occasions where I put the music on a little too loud and shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
I'm saying that I don't want to go back in time and be the old mess. Or more of a mess than I am now, because the level of haze has toned down year by year. I'm more focused now and I have some kind of goal in life. My mind isn't wandering aimlessly looking for something I don't even know what. But something else is...
I took a trip this weekend to other side of Europe. It was an amazing trip, I met wonderful people, got a little sun, very uncharacteristicly I drank and smoked and overall enjoyed myself. It was just what I needed to break from the pressures back home. Though now all the obligations weighs even more heavily on my shoulders, I still needed to get away for a moment. I wanted to take this trip to stand against the warm wind with my eyes closed and just let it blow away my worries and though I'm now more rested, I feel more confused than when I left.
I've been thinking why I travel so much. Why am I not happy staying in one place. Why do I get restless every year if I don't go see a new place. It's like I'm looking for something, but I don't know what. Love? Home? When I sat on the plane on my way back, tired and worn out, I stared out of the window and wonder how many more trips like this I can do. I'm getting weary of looking and I just want to find a place to stay for a while. To find a place that offers the excitement I need, but security enough to feel comfortable. Home is where your heart is, they say. I no longer feel like "it's everywhere because my heart is flying free" but more like the heart of a cancer patient: doomed to stop beating soon if they can't find the cure. But don't worry, dear reader, I'm not done with the fight just yet.
So. There's still hope for you, my young friend. Your mind will be calmer over the years and when you find someone or someplace or something to pour yourself into, your heart will calm down too.
Money doesn't buy happiness, they say. So doesn't freedom make you unchained. I'd be doomed if I stopped fighting, stopped looking.
Without hope, we got nothing left. It's okay to be sad sometimes, but it's not okay to give up.
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