The eternal waiter

If you'd know me, you'd know that the music I listen to pretty much tells my mood. Music somehow makes my feelings stronger and helps me let out what ever is trying to bottle up inside me. If I play pop, I might feel like dancing and I feel joyful. If I play classical music, I need the calmness to do school work. And when I play metal...

I haven't listen to metal much in years, only occasionally. Only when I'm feeling blue. This morning I found myself changing from romantic pop songs (I like to sing them) to Sonata and friends.

Do you know the feeling of almost falling down a cliff and you keep looking for something to hold on to so you wont fall? If I look down, I can see the endless fall under me. Usually I know what has pushed me over the edge but this time I can't pinpoint it. I have a nice job that I don't hate. I leave for work happily. Summer vacation is starting and I'm not going to do much school stuff in the summer. I have friends around, I have family. No money problems though I'm not exactly rich either. I haven't done anything to regret miserably. I'm not lonely, there are few guys I know who would be happy to take me out. With that I mean there's potential for love.

And still I'm utter mess. I've lost the direction, the goal I work for. "If you want to live happy life, tie it to a goal not to people or object." The big picture is fading in front of me. I thought I knew what I wanted but I'm not so sure anymore. Are my standards beginning to lower? After my last breakup I aimed high and I was happy. The longer the wait is, the more confident I am that I'll find what I'm looking for.

I hate waiting. I wasn't build for waiting. And still I do it. I always wait and wait and wait, until I get fed up and do something about it. Now I don't know what to do anymore. I tried. Now I should just sit and wait. And I hate it. I feel like a sissy when I have to wait. And if I wanted a pussy in my life, I would just get a cat.

When I get to this point, I usually shut down. I don't feel like meeting anyone, talking to anyone, doing anything. I need to think and clear my mind, but too much thinking is dangerous. One can never know which way the coin will flip. Up or down, up or down, up or down... Endlessly, in my mind.

So I ask you, before you start flipping (coins in your mind), like I have:

What do you wait for? What are you ready to wait for?

How long are you going to wait until you're ready to give up?

What's the good moment to fight for it and stop the waiting game?

Is it better to fight or to give up?