You know how much I like museums, right? I work in one, I study museums, I go to museums in my free time and this spring I decided that a piece of me should stay in a museum. There's a Croatian museum called the Museum of Broken Relationships that has temporary exhibitions in different countries. In every country they collect broken relationship related objects that they display in that country, and later perhaps in other countries, and all the items finally goes to the museum collections in Zagreb in the end.
So I thought what better way to get rid of some sentimental crap that I can't throw out but I don't want to keep either, than to donate them to a museum. I filled out a form, sent the object, got a letter back that it has been accepted as one of the items on display here. I thought that was pretty cool. I had asked my ex if I could donate the item because you can easily recognise whose it used to be. He agreed and then we agreed to go see it on display together.
So the day came when we went there. I already knew it's going to be emotional because when I first saw the object in the museum, I got tears in my eyes. He hadn't yet seen the exhibition. This time it was him who got all teary. And to see that, was pretty rough.
After the visit to the exhibition he asked if I wanted to go watch movies at his friends place like we used to do many times when we were together. It would have been fine, but there was a minor little problem. The couple whose place we were at had had a kid in the meanwhile. So my ex and the kid sits on the floor and they build a little railway together. Oh, did I already meantion the main reason we broke up was because I wanted kids and he didn't?
Yeah.
I went home and cried a little. The day had just been too much.
Couple days later he asks me if I could play a video game with him over the internet. Of course I agree and we play for a while. I get this weird feeling. I get a bit dizzy and after an hour of playing I have to stop. I laid on the floor for a while and hoped it wasn't the stomach flu that had been raging around the town. Felt a bit better, got up and nope, not better at all, nope nope. Spend the rest of the day in a horizontal position in the bathroom floor because that was the only way it didn't feel terrible.
Next day: nothing. It couldn't have been anything I ate because I ate only things from my own fridge and I knew what's up with them. It wasn't the flu because I didn't get a fever and I was alright so soon. I came to the conclusion that it had to be the game. Some kind of head bobbing effect or something had triggered it. So I put it behind me and lived on. Week later my ex asks if I want to play again. I agree and after half an hour I'm convinced it's the game that makes me sick. I stop playing.
Everytime I think about my ex and kids and such, I get a lump in my throat. It wasn't the game. After the dating site thing when ever I get anxious about talking to too many people at the same time or having troubles of saying no to a nice guy that I'm just not interested, I get the same lump there. Maybe I wasn't ready for this whole dating ordeal.
Apparently it's because I overthink things. Yes, again someone told me that. But they never tell me how to stop thinking. Is there a switch somewhere that will make it stop? Or should I just get a lobotomy and be done with it. From a young age we've been thought about causality and consequences. Of course I think what would happen if I say yes to this. If I agree to go on a date, what would happen. Is there any point, do we have enough in common, do we live travellable distance apart... there are thousands of questions in my head when I have to make any decision. You really should see me trying to choose an ice cream, let a lone a man!
If you read my previous post, you know I had some troubles with crossing the line with one guy. I built up the courage to tell him that even though he is thinking about me, I'm not looking for to date him. Guess what he said? It's because I misunderstood. That it's all in my head. That he never said anything like that. That he was only thinking about me as a friend. Sorry friends, I didn't know I'm supposed to tell you I think about you, miss you and that we should stop the pretence and open our hearts to each other. But I couldn't tell about my feelings even to a friend because I'm a Finn. We're not capable of telling about our emotions, have you heard that?
Sometimes I just hate people so much.
I need a vacation. I need to crawl under the bed with a blanket and stay in the dark for a few days without people, without internet, without the stupidity of mankind. I need myself more than I have ever needed anyone.
And the song of the day is from 69eyes, an oldie, but goldie, The Chair.
No comments:
Post a Comment