Table of contents

So far I have published 101 posts and I thought it might be nice to have some kind of summary about them all. I also have things to add to those posts so I'm gonna use this wasted space for that.

• The First Morning is about how it all started on September 2013. My first post is actually even a year older because I started this blog to translate my old Finnish posts to English. Mainly to get more views, greedy as I am. The blog was going to be about World of Warcraft but as we all know now that ship has sailed long ago.

• Dawn Rises at the Battlefront is about my shampoo and the social contract. Don't worry, these two things has nothing to do with each other.

• Mondays is about my most memorable moments in WoW. Feels kinda redundant now that I've cancelled my game time and gonna take a long (deserved) break from the game.

• Something Concrete is unfortunately not about construction work but the first post to my knotted love life. It's the foundation of my future posts by explaining how the game "is it better" goes.

• About Pet Battle is about WoW and the Pokémon-like game inside it. To this I would like to add that it's a good way to fulfil your collectors needs while getting exp at the same time.

• On a More Serious Matter is about slavery and fur farming. Very grim, I'd say. Fur farming is still legal in Finland today and the conditions for the animals are not better.

• The Faire of the Dark Moon is basically a short summary of what I think is wrong in the world. I'm such a drag and not enough queen. Unlike the headline would suggest, it's not about WoW.

• Bugs and Booms is about WoW and was relevant two and a half years ago.

• Shoop Shoop is about how to recognise if a chick is into a guy in real life or in virtual worlds.

• A Shadow is my suggestion who to cast for a role of a gnome in a WoW movie and why different heights are weird to me.

• From Open Window You Can Hear Music is about music and I think the songs I've linked there are Hooverphonic's "Mad about you" and Awolnations's "Sail". When enough time passes, the links don't work anymore because of copyrights and YouTube deleting those which violates them.

• Top Five Songs is about WoW related songs. Weirdly all those links still works.

• Let Me Sing You the Song of My People is about how I became a guildleader. Quite bittersweet now that I've ended my reign of terror and left Kazz in charge. Letting go of my beloved guild was a difficult thought but weirdly easy when it happened.

• The Age of Innocence is the first time I announce that all that s/he stuff is crap and from that moment on I've usually just used "he" even though I mean either gender. The post is about virtual connection, touching and listening.

• Damn Starks Always Right Is about winter, troubles with health and quitting smoking. Unfortunately my few years of none smoking was gruesomely ended not long after my relationship had as well. So now I'm the weirdo at work who's the only one taking smoke breaks.

• Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the NO! is about Christmas and dreaming.

• In the End, Does It Even Matter? is about getting advice and giving them. It's about caring and almost like a new years resolution. It was a nice trip to memory lane for me to read this and be reminded how I felt just a year and a half ago.

• Storytime! is my favorite (not)kids story about a monster that eats yesterdays.

• 50 Shades Of Carl is about agreeing, disagreeing and arguments (with Bresh, that poor bastard has had to bare so many conversations about ethics) and it's about moral grey areas.

• Content Ever After is about the list of what we (me) want out of a relationship and how hard it is to find someone to match those lists with. After a year and a half I still wonder about the happily ever after and would it be better to know if it's not going to happen to me.

• Not For Thin Skinned is about circumcision.

• If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It is about a dream and being passionate.

• Alone In the Dark is about virtual connection in public places.

• Kids, This Is a Story of How I Didn't Meet Your Father is about dating and how sweet gestures are creepy if both are not as interested in each other. The song of that day was Bill Withers' "Just the two of us".

• I'm No Wise Man, but I Know a Few is a collection of inspirational quotes.

• Sha La Lala La is about the upcoming new year and the song of the day was "Kiss the Girl" from Little Mermaid.

• Captains Log, Day 1 is about the social games we play and how to deal with them.

• Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall is about different types of personalities in one person. It's the first time I call myself a mix of the beast and Belle: Beastelle.

• Sweet Dreams is about sleeping and dreaming.

• Risky Business is about dicks and the sizes of them. The song of the day was Lily Allen's "Not Fair".

• Starter is about the starter account on WoW.

• Once I Had a Heart is about shattering pain.

• Selfish Selfish is about a certain new year's resolution to not stick my nose into other people's business' and about probing people mentally.

• How Can We Be Friends? is about can guys and gals be friends through a personal story.

• Love Sees No Color is about the ideal partner and how it fits reality. The songs of the day were Pet Shop Boys' "You Choose" and Celine Dion's "It's all coming back to me now".

• Not So Simple is about guildies, friendship and what makes a relationship something more than a friendship.

• Fear and Loathing is about a big bad wolf called Russia and the fear we have towards it.

• The Stone I Carved My Heart Into is about being bored. Very boring post to be honest.

• It's Bitter but the Fruit is Sweet starts badly with whining but ends in good point about patience being the answer to desperation. The song of the day was Dreamgirls' "Patience".

• A Boy Who Wanted to Be a Real Puppet is about how much weight we put on penetration and why geeks don't have dates. The song of the day was "I'll make a man out of you" from Mulan. Pretty solid post, me thinks.

• The Things We Say for Love is about the worst encounters I've had on dating sites. The app I mentioned turned out to be Tinder and I was positively surprised how well it worked. But then again just last week some dude wanted to know if I liked doggystyle and when I didn't answer I got messages:

"Don't you like doggy?"

"???"

"Hello"

"At least answer". 

Nope. Ain't gonna. Sorry, brah.

• The Big Blue is my ode to a rare in WoW. Beautiful poem. Reading it makes me tear up.

• Desert Island is about being stranded on a deserted island. Kinda.

• Monsters Inc. is when it hit me that I'm the problem. Songs of the day were "Tomorrow" from the movie Annie and Becky G's "Problem".

• Unchain My Heart is about feeling good with the years I've spent on this planet and what I'm looking for on my travels. Song of the day was Titiyo's "Come along".

• The Eternal Waiter is about the metal music in my life and the struggle to just wait things to happen. Songs of the day were Entwine's "Falling apart" and Ensiferum's "Eternal Wait".

• This Ain't Your Fairytale is about how hard it is to talk about love.

• Happy, Happy, Happy..? is about what songs can make us feel. The songs of that post were Pharrell Williams' "Happy" and Louis Armstrong's "What a wonderful world". The post is also about the difference of being truly happy or being just comfortable.

• A Little Name Calling is about sextourettes and the fuckprotective law. Songs of the day were Oily Murs "Dear Darlin'", David Guetta ft. Akon's "Sexy Bitch" and Dylan from Modern Family singing "Imagine me naked".

• You Wouldn't Download 1001 Nights is about virtual connection and how it's nice to be able to like people who are obnoxious irl since you can't see their bad habits or smell their unbrushed breath. Gives me a chance to have friends too! (kidding)

• Like Sand Through Hourglass, So Are the Days of Our Lives is about how getting old sucks because it feels like time is running out. It's also about having children but what kind of mom would make the song of the day to be Children of Bodom's "Mask of sanity"...

• Sounds of Music is about lyrics.

• Curriculum Vitae is about how my life would look like if it was a life application (compare to job application). It's about regret and shame and how one should overcome all that.

• Pet the Bones is about considering wether we truly are infatuated by a certain someone or are we just looking for something that would look good on us. Songs of the day were Jewel's "You were meant for me" and Carole King's "It's too late".

• What Women Want is about a theory of senses that you can use to entice the opposite sex with. The post is written with a spoonful of tongue in cheek.

• Dictures is about dick pics. How nothing is sexual until we make it sexual and that applies to willies too. The song of the day was Lonely Island's "Dick in a box". Once I got a dickie from a guy I didn't know and judging the surroundings I was worried that he might be underaged. I don't want anything to do with childpornography so if you're young, please don't send me a dong shot. Wait a few years, they will be appreciated when you dick is legal.

• The Price of Love is about life after love and questions about the price of it. Songs of the day were White Lies' "Price of love" and Hurriganes' "I will stay". I recommend checking out the comments section also, it got interesting.

• Vial of the Sands is a WoW related post on the mats one needs to acquire the Sandstone drake.

• After You is about... I don't even know. I have to read this first. Hold on a second... I usually remember from the topic what I've been babbling about... Oh! It's about funeral arrangements. What a happy subject indeed. Songs of the mourn were Nick Cave's "Into my arms" and Hammerfall's "Remember yesterday".

• Say My Name is about names and what trouble forgetting them can cause you. Funny story. The example I'm giving there about forgetting your partners name... that happened to me. Songs of the day were Destiny's Child's "Say my name" and Paul Simon's "You can call me Al".

• Second-handed is about an interesting documentary I saw about virginity. It's a bunch of questions that should be read slowly and thoughtfully. The song of the day was Nightwish's "She is my sin".

• Does Age Really Matter? is about how we see the teenage years a modern bootcamp where the rookies can be ridiculed.

• Propaganda is about what I know about the war in Israel and about propaganda. The song of the day was conveniantly "Propaganda" from the game Beyond good and evil.

• Burn is about daydreaming and lighting a fire in you because of someone wrong for you. There's also a poem that's actually not half bad, now that I read it a year later. Song of the day was Ellie Goulding's "Burn".

• Wut Is Luv is about making a difference between love and obsession. It's about daydreaming, then getting mad, mad at yourself, then at him, then the whole world and finally you decide to forget the whole thing.

• Cheesy is about what if's and is it better's. It's about hearing the perfect things from the wrong person. It's about love. And the comment section is interesting also. Song of the day was Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn".

• Wut Is Luv, pt. 2 is the continuation of my thought process about love. It starts as I would have totally different opinion about the matter than last time, but if the reader is patient enough the ending will explain what I mean. Song of the day was "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat.

• Better to Whisk than Wither is a motivational post about taking control of your own life. The songs of the day were James Brown's "This is a mans world" and Gotye ft. Kimbra's "Somebody that I used to know".

• Love, Lust, Desire is about want, love and sex. As always when I write about sex, I distance myself from it by not telling too much about what happens in my own bedroom. I should probably take my own advice and talk about sexuality even more openly, and hope that the rest will follow. Song of the day was Lullacry's "Love, lust, desire".

• Who's Next? is about bullying in general and what's left outside the public conversation. The song of the day was Manic Street Preacher's "If you tolerate this your children will be next".

• Wordplay is about spooning and boners. Song of the day was Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty". Comment section might also teach you athing you didn't know. At least I did!

• The Silence of Noise is about being used to sounds outside and inside. There were two songs for that day, but I can't remember what the other one was and the link doesn't work anymore. The other one is Thomas Newman's song from the movie American Beauty.

• Let Me Paint You a Picture is a post with plenty of pictures and a rant about not being good enough for anyone. The song of the day was Hannah Montana's (or Miley Cyrus, if you will) "One in a million".

• The Stink is a short post about lyrics. The songs were Sonata Arctica's "Misery" and J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks".

• A Road to Lyrics is a post yet again about how meaningful lyrics can be. This time from the perspective of a Finn. Song of the day was Neljä Ruusua's "Tie ajatuksiin".

• I Like You but I Don't Love you is a post about my trip to Turkey and overall what makes me travel. Song of the day was Bobby Summer's "Jabba jabba".

• Love Is to Lay Yourself Open to Loss is about being afraid and the other side of fear. Not my best work, tbh.

• Lemme Marry You Pls is about everyone's right to marry. Songs of the day were Bruno Mars' "Marry you" and Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus".

• Wink Wonk is about flirting and crushes.

• Can I Crash and Burn on You? is about an upcoming blind date. We had a good 24h date and we never saw each other again. He ended up dating my friend for few months, but it turned out he wasn't a momma's boy but totally kept by his collar by his ex. And I never got that ice cream because we met so late that the place was already closed. It was a sign. Songs of the day were Boys town gang's "Can't take my eyes off you", Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just want to have fun" and Roxette's "Listen to your heart".

• Brains Over Boobs is a brief post about how hard dating is.

• What a Strange Ride... is about the songs that have carried me through year 2014. They were Polarkreis' "Allein allein", Weird Al Yankovic's "White and nerdy", Animals' "Don't let me be misunderstood", S.O.A.P's "Not like other girls", Disclosure's "You & me", Flynt Flossy, Yung Humma & Whatchyamacallit's "Treat me like a pirate", In this moment's "Big bad wolf" and Lady Gaga's "The edge of glory". It's also a new years resolution and I'm happy to say I have followed my own advice. Funny sidenote about the guy I "asked" out on a date. He is also one of those I've written about who has made socks spin in my feet for years and years. Right now I'm in a situation that I have to see him a lot and it's quite similar to torture. Not because I fancy him but because I can't be normal around him. No wonder he doesn't like me because he only sees a weird unnatural plastic cover walking around.

• Who's the Biggest Fool of Them All? is about depressing darkness and motivational quotes to carry one through tough times. Songs of the day were Miley Cyrus' "Two more lonely people" and Sturm und drang's "That's the way I am".

• I'm Fine. is about the biggest lie we keep repeating to others and to ourselves. Song of the day was Sentenced's "Excuse me while I kill myself".

• Non-hit Wonder is about hit songs we all probably know and listening to those uplifts spirit for some weird reason. Songs of the day were Daniel Powter's "Bad day", Eagle-Eye Cherry's "Save tonight", Lara Fabian's "I will love again", Sisqo's "Thong song" and I think the other two were White Town's "Your woman" and... umm... I think it was Kajagoogoo's "Too shy". Maybe.

• I Swear is about the rollercoaster of emotions I keep going through. Song of the day was Journey's "Don't stop believing".

• Dragonborn is about bad, bad Luci who eats geeks for breakfast. As you might know that happened to this guy two. It was short, it was sweet and at least we tried. Song of the day was Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call me maybe".

• Damn Smoochies is a Valentine's day extravaganza with ickylove and winkwonk pics. Song of the day was Ellie Goulding's "Love me like you do".

• I Know You is about the difference in what happens in out head and what we do. It's actually continuation to Dragonborn. And it's a shameless advert to follow my Pinterest walls. Song of the day was Skylar Grey's "I Know you".

• A Shitty Thing is probably the bravest thing I've ever done in my whole life and that is writing about my rumbling stomach. It's the reason I know so much about historical toilets. Personal interest and whatnot, ya know.

• My Life Is a Parody is about my favorite WoW related parody songs. I've wisely listed them in the post so even if the links don't work, they are still traceable.

• And Now We Wait is about writing an application and avoiding sentences everyone uses. Song of the day was from the musical Hair "Manchester".

• Vagina Monologue is about what the title says: lady parts. Mainly about periods. Song of the day was Shania Twain's "Man! I feel like a woman".

• Spoon List is how the story ended for the dragonborn and about regrets. Songs of the day were Kygo's "Stole the show" and Avicii's "Waiting for love". Have you noticed that the most viral songs of this summer have been quite depressing?

• Head-ass-trophy is about why I wanted to get rid of my hair. I actually didn't. It's still in a bag somewhere and I have no idea wether to throw it out or not. My boss said that my current hairstyle represents my personality, but I disagree. Of course I can be sassy but in the end I'm the lady in distress standing on a cliff with her hair waving in the ocean breeze. Song of the day was Skunk Anansie's "Weak". I said that you can touch it and I still agree with that. I tell you not to, but actually I'm totally okay with the head-pats.

• My Mind Is a Ghost Town is a poem that I'm very proud of. For once I feel like I nailed it. What I had in mind I was able to write down and even make it rhyme. Song of the day was Adam Lambert's "Ghost town".

• Paint It Black is my latest post. It's about the dangerous thing: thinking. And romance. Both as dangerous. Especially when combined. It's about how much we in modern society are affected with altered folk stories. Song of the day was Entwine's "Snow white suicide".

That's all my posts. I didn't put here the update posts because they are meaningless now. I appreciated the opportunity to correct some grammar here and there but to be honest, I couldn't be arsed in every post. It was a wild ride indeed filled with ups and downs but also with something concrete themes too. Let's see what the future will bring from now on. Thanks for reading!

Song of the day is this because after reading my own train of thoughts I kinda wanna... Set the world on fire.

Paint it black

There I was, minding my own business, doing my thang, playing with my paints and brushes as I sometimes do. I didn't even think about it much. I was painting the last pieces of furniture I had left into my favorite furniture-color = black, and chatting with my flatmate. But then she stopped my train of thoughts by asking why do I have the need to paint. She also suggested that there might be more to it because I'm painting things black. Every once in a while I get the deep need to change the way I live in a very literal sense. I move, I rearrange my furniture, I paint. I didn't have an answer for her, I don't know why I have the need to surround myself with black in the middle of the summer. And I can tell it's summer because I'm peeling skin off of my burned back as we speak. But it's not like I was baking or cleaning! Few days later I had done the dishes three times, cooked couple of times, vacuumed and washed the floors and whatnot. Oh crap, this was getting serious.

So I started to think and you all know how dangerous thinking is. All this obviously have something to do with worrying about a friend of mine who got bad news. I feel like I'm again left standing there helplessly because I have no idea what to do and I don't want to make the same mistakes as I have done with other friends when they've needed a friend. The only problem is that everyone has their own way of dealing with things so what I did wrong earlier might be the right thing to do now and vice versa. Still I'm determined to yell, hold out signs, scream and hug forcefully or whatever is needed to make sure that my friends know that I'm there for them and I think about them. And whenever they need, I'll be there to tell them that sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Though I'm well aware that there's nothing I can do if the other person doesn't want me to. Ask yourself when's the last time you called someone and said "I feel like shit, could you come over?". My final plan, if nothing else works, is to send nudes to this guy to get him occupied with other things than grief. Think that would work?

I think from time to time we all have the need to turn our gaze inside and just be with ourselves. And I don't necessarily mean a pain that paralyses you. It can be finding focus and motivation in you when the outside world gets too loud. (This is one of those times it's not wise ask me how I'm doing because you only get a long answer with metaphor filled sentences about drowning and falling and... well, just read on and you'll understand.) When I hide inside the dark end of my mind-cave, I think about love. It's my favorite subject. We live in society filled with Disney and romantic comedies, where it's emphasised that true love awaits. I'm glad I watched those because they thought me that there is something magical out there and I'm worth happiness no matter how quirky I am. On the other hand I regret ever watching any of those because time has passed and it still hasn't happened.

I watched How I Met Your Mother from start to the end finally. Watching shows like that always makes me wonder which character would I be. First I thought I'd be like Lily, a bad-ass who devotes her life to long-lasting love and friends. Then I thought I might be a softer version of Barney, awesome of course but a heart-breaker with a consciousness. But then came the episode where Ted asked an important question: "what's wrong with me?" and I realised that the most I resemble him. Fudge. How many times I've thought to myself what's wrong with me, why hasn't it happened? I'm back to the Beauty and the Beast -scenario thinking I'm the problem. But this time with a twist.

When I complained about my love life to Juju she pointed out that maybe my heart isn't open for love and I gotta say that thought has crossed my mind before. Maybe I've met the love of my life already but I somehow have blocked the gates to my heart and never even gave a real chance to that person. Maybe I'm already so broken that no amount of glue can patch up my shattered heart. Maybe the only thing open really is the candy store. I also think I'm spoiled by my past good relationships to have my hopes up high for the everyday life. But the fairy tales have taught me never to lose hope.

The problem with most of the TV shows and movies from my childhood to this point in life is that there's the happily ever after. Monica marries Chandler and even though they can't have kids, they adopt not just one kid but twins. It's implemented that Ted gets not one, but two love of his life and even Barney finds the true meaning of love. Booth dates Bones. Nanny marries Mr. Sheffield. That guy wasn't hit by a car after all. This chick woke up from coma. Even the freaking Donkey falls in love! And it's mutual! Same happens in the books on my shelf. Playing video games would've been much safer because the princess was always in another castle.

I don't know if I'll ever meet the One True Love, the Love Of My Life, the Knight In Shining Pink Armor. I believe in it less and less everyday but still I'm clinging on to some faint hope - I don't believe in it, but I hope it's true. Searching for it gets easier and worse at the same time. Dating is easier now than it was couple of years ago and I think I know more of what I want in a significant other. Also telling the other person that they are not that is easier now than it was before. Meaning that the words come out easier but it feels horrible every time a little more. Making a shatter in your heart or self-esteem or whatever it is that rejection wounds, makes a wound in me too. I never meant to hurt you. You were supposed to be the One. But you are not, I'm sorry.

They say girls shouldn't expect a prince if they are not princess' themselves, but I'm nothing but a princess. Think about it, semirough childhood, pretty when fixed up, whimsical and stubborn, good with animals, scared of the unknown but curious about it, romantic yet brave and old-fashioned. All I need is a weird sidekick. I even have an evil stepmother. So where the hell is my prince?!

You can read more about the evil "media" and "society" for example from Glamour (Though I disagree with the cutlery aspect. I think it's more a lesson of not judging a book or a candlestick by it's cover), from Brandeis (2 pages and even though I agree with the problem I think the solution could also be teaching kids media criticality), or from Michigan News (I don't watch The Bachelor, btw).

My mind is a ghost town

I heard this song and it inspired to make my own version of a ghost town. So here's a poem I wrote. Keep in mind that in my darkest hours, I'm happy when the inspiration hits and I can make my ideas and imagination rhyme.

Desolace
 
This is how it looks inside my mind
But only on a dark moment, I have to remind
The town is not empty and deserted
Nor quiet and murdered
It's filled with whispers, screams and echos
Haunted by demons and fallen heroes

Weird creatures roam the streets
Listening to my every heartbeat
Lurking in the shadows are my own creations
Bleeding, suffering, grotesque mutations
Most paths blocked with a tombstone
A cemetery I built when I was alone
Glowing eyes watching from the windows
Grey grass and dead flower-filled meadows
Remorse and hope playing tug-o'-war
Only place open is the candy store

One smile and a whisper
From a lucid mister
Makes everyone drop what they were doing
Turn their glares and start their viewing
When it's time for new games
The town bursts into flames
But yet again the party is over soon
And the townfolk paled by the blue moon
Only rattling skeletons left celebrating
The ghosts tinting their heads, speculating
The air filled with fog and smoke
Soon there will come another bloke

Don't take a sip from that poisoned well
Cover your ears from the death knell
An empty swing sways in the breeze
So many locked doors and not enough keys
No clowns or stuffed toys
Just memories of past joys
Broken glass on the ground
From the castles clouds surround
 
The town is not quiet and deserted
It's twisted and perverted
But as long as somewhere there's blue sky
I can take another shattering goodbye

I hope you enjoyed the tour because this was my 100th brochure.

Head-ass-trophy

The hot topic in my circles is "why?", why did I shave my head. I've been wanting to shave my head for years, probably closer to a decade. I don't have one reason, nor do I have any really good reasons. I didn't have to shave my hair off. I just wanted to do so.

The feedback has mostly been positive. Apparently my skull has a good shape, whatever that really even means. Part of the process was to see if I could rock it with no hair - as in would it fit me. And it does body-wise. Not sure yet does it fit my personality, but time will tell.

Partly I did this because there's a little (okayokay, a huge) feminist in me that had a point to prove. Short hair, or in this case almost no hair at all, doesn't change my gender, my sex or my sexuality. I'm still a strong independent heterosexual woman who needs no hair. I can still be sexy even though I have taken the most easily recognisable feminine part of me away. I am no less of a woman now than I was before. My initial thought was to be bold (pun intended) and show how much of a woman I still look like, but the rules of Blogger forbids me. So no nudes for you, sorries.

I am greatly enjoying the attention, of course. Though it's not me in the center of attention, it's my head. Still, I don't know what to answer to comments such as "I didn't really think you would go through with it". Did you think so little of me or did you think less of me before I did this? Well. Ahem. I did? So. Umm... Suck it?

So no, I don't have cancer. I don't even take that as an insult because I have utmost respect for people who are strong enough to fight that disease and with such draining medicine as chemo.

No, I did not become a man. My vagina didn't fall off and I did not grow a penis in the spot. Is your masculinity so intimidated by my short hair that you have to make stupid jokes like that? Piss off.

Even though I feel emancipated by this, I'm afraid most of the opposite sex wont see it as such. I'm halfly hoping this will help me to stay single and out of all the drama of dating. I hate the quiet in my head when I'm in a steady relationship, but I also fear the chaos of the voices in my head when I'm single.

I feel like it's half a century ago and I'm a guy with a long hair.

Yes, my head feels nice and soft now. Like a very hairy baby's butt. Yes, you may touch it.

Spoon list

I have been awfully busy lately. I'm trying to wrap things up so I can graduate and there has been all kinds of extra things at work. Too much stress doesn't really make one a happy person and I have to learn to balance my shit.

In the past few weeks I have had one true moment of happiness. I took my bike to a shop to be repaired since someone had stolen my mudguard during the winter. After I left the shop I walked home the longer route. I walked through this park with plenty of grass, some rocks and few trees. It felt blissful and even though I have always considered myself a city girl, I was reminded of how much I need nature in my life. I guess it's a Finnish thing. We born in forests, we live in forest, we live out of forests, we are the forest. Breathing in the clean air and enjoying the sun made me more happy than I have been in a while.

And then it hit me, a little park can make me happier than my new relationship. I opened the conversation and long story short I felt like I was dumped. (Don't believe everything I write, actually it was a mutual talk and there's no bad blood.) Now I have to face the next decade in my life alone, but for some reason it scares me lot less than I thought. I guess I had already grew into the whole independent thing. I also realised that this is not the best time in my life to have a relationship. I just don't have time and energy for it and I'm leaving the country for few months in the fall. So I dedicate this summer to meaningless flirting and girly giggles. I get back to the relationship thing again next year. I want to say I'm giving up on men totally but we all know that's never gonna happen. I've watched too many Disney movies and romcoms not to believe in love.

A friend of mine had written a note in FB with the title Don't Be Afraid of Life. She said that a playlist in youtube (The Ultimate Cheesy Pop) reminded her of the carefree years of her youth. She says there were two moments in her life when she had to make a difficult decision and that she made mistakes then. The two biggest regrets. No wonder she was reminded of mistakes while listening to that playlist...

I tried to think of my biggest regrets in life but I couldn't come up with anything. They are not something I have done, but things I have not done. It's odd that she wrote about that because similar things have gone through my head. Maybe it's the beginning of summer that reminds us with sunshine of how much better things could be or what but there's definitely something in the air.

I wrote a bucket list the other day. It's called that because you write down things you want to do before you hit the bucket. (In Finnish it's sometimes translated to "spoon list" because you don't hit a bucket in Finland, you throw your spoon in the corner.) It's time to start doing those things on my list so I can one day die without regrets of things I didn't do.

Things on my list are pretty average. I want to get a tattoo, shave my hair, bungee jump, travel around the world, visit a skyscraper, fly in a private jet, see something that blows your mind, sing in an (empty) stadium and so on. I can't remember if I ever had more than a three course meal so one day I want to try at least an eight course meal. I want to spend a week on a deserted island totally nekkid. I want to get married one day. I don't necessarily have to have a wedding, I just want to know how it feels like to me Mrs someone.

I want to give a kiss to someone from a royal family. I want to do something good, if not something big then at least multiple small things that might not be seen but makes others around me feel good. I want to be able to help my mother to become a grandmother. I sometimes can't breath when I think that she's not going to experience that because of my decisions. That such a big thing is so totally dependent on other people. But then again, one day I want to hire an escort or a gigolo or whatever they are called and let that person take me to the most amazing date and make me feel like the world revolves only around me. Because sometimes it's not about someone else, sometimes we ourselves need to be made special.

Single and ready to face the world. Maybe not so positive but at least optimistic.

I tried to translate a bit what Miss P wrote (hope she won't be offended):

"We all have had the same spark since our youth. For some the spark is blown out in the winds of life. Some of us kills ourselves in the fear of the destruction from the flames. For some lucky ones the inner fire will burn their whole lives. For some it takes a long time before that spark will turn into proper flames. -- In the end life is nothing but a flash of light that dies down fast. Only a fool would hide from it voluntarily. Don't be afraid of life."

Vagina monologue

I might be known as the dick pic chick but I am just as curious about the other gender's genitals. The only difference is that I have a vagina and dicks are just a thing that visits between my legs. The waves of curiosity happened over a decade ago when it comes to female body parts. Why this is relevant now is not a long story but because I like my stories long, I will start with a side tour.

People react to stress and changes in their life differently. I myself notice differences in my body often when times are rough, but also when I'm sitting on a pink cloud. One psychologist once said in class that the reason why our tummies turn upside down by stress can be traced back to the deep dark seas of evolution. She said that monkeys empty their stomach when danger approaches. For example when a lion is prowling a monkey, the monkey dashes and simultaneously releases everything possible on the ground in hopes that the predator would slow down to sniff the pile of crap and the monkey could escape. Stress reflexes are a reaction to danger, so from now on when you are nervous about a job interview or an exam and your stomach starts to rumble, you can comfort yourself that even your ancestors had the same problem.

Lately I've thought a lot about periods. Mostly because I'm a week late and not pregnant (yes, I checked). Stress can do that to a person. Well, not for guys but you know what I mean. Hormones aren't really a stable thing in a human being so they can pretty much flip with your lifestyle. What you eat makes a difference and so does what you think. The more I think how late I am the more I know they will be late. Never have I ever been this late in my life.

Some women have very irregular cycle but my body has worked like a clock for years. Give or take a day or two they have come and gone as they should've. I use this one great app to keep track of my bodily functions and the app can usually predict my periods rigorously. You can only imagine the increasing panic when the days just go by and nothing comes out. What I've read in the interwebs I should call a doctor if another week goes by. Until then I keep biting my nails.

It is so unfair that this nasty thing keeps me waiting and what is more unfair is the happiness I will feel when they finally do start. It's kind of funny to be joyous of having pain and bleeding. Many times I've thought about how it would feel like to have a dingdong hanging down there but just lately I have started to think how to explain periods to someone who never had them. So let's start with facts.

Periods usually start when a girl is 10 to 15 years old and they last until the same girl is already a lady with a fine age of 45 to 50 years. This means thirty to forty years of bleeding roughly once a month. That's around 400 periods in one lifetime. Imagine that. That's 400 cups of blood and other more gross stuff. The amount of pain many women suffer cannot even be measured. Imagine you would drink gasoline every 20 to 35 days and then let it burn in you for 5 to 7 days. And then imagine you open your agenda or calendar or whatever you use for planning something in the future. Nope, you can't go to a beach vacation that time because you have to drink the gasoline. Oh look at that, your birthday and gasoline days are in the same day, what fun. Don't even think of babysitting those preschoolers that day, you know how agitated you get before the gasoline drinkin' time. Yes, your stomach is full of burning gasoline but that's no excuse to skip work so suck it up and get going! And you do this constantly. Daily.

And then there's the whole pads/tampons/mooncup thing. The cost of them and what to do with them. Is there a trash can somewhere, is it taken out frequently enough, when do I have time to boil this cup, has this tampon been there for how many hours or will I get TSS. And don't get me started on all the damn dogs who wants to sniff my crotch ffs.

Everything has two sides. So does periods. I can't explain the pain nor the nuisance of periods but at the same time I can't explain how good it feels when you're in pain and a warm purring cat lays on your tummy happily comforting you. I can't explain the feeling of knowing that I can bear children. My body is capable of making new humans into this world and because of that miracle I have periods.

But all the chicks already knew all that. Let's move on to the things you might not know. First of all, because the cycle is not 30 days to everyone and not every month has 30 days, periods don't always come on the same date. That doesn't mean they're late. Also that is a good reason to mark them down every time, not just for the crotch poking doctor who will ask about them. And if you're sexually active you are easily alarmed about pregnancy.

The biggest reason for missing periods is pregnancy. There are other reasons too. Stress, weight loss, weight gain, overweight, underweight (is that even a word?), hormonal contraception, violently exercising and so on. Apparently untreated celiac disease is one possibility too. Tumors and diseases can make them stop coming entirely. One weird month is okay they say, but if you skip two periods, really really go see a crotch poking doc.

Blood contains iron and because the blood is exiting your body, the iron goes with it. This means you can get anaemic which is why it's important to eat properly. If you're tired, pale and get sore muscles it might mean you have clotting problems in your blood and it's yet again time to go see the doc. There are lots of ways to reduce pain while on periods. Drinking lots of water can help with the pain as should regular pain medication. Moving around helps too. I remember once I woke up at six in the morning and was afraid I would wear out the rug for walking in circle for hours. But it did help #noregrets.

You can get pregnant during periods but it's very unlikely. They say there are no "safe days" and it's true. There are also no 100% guaranteed contraception. To reach 100%, I'm pretty sure you have to use at least two different methods. Maybe then it's one in the million and you know what Terry Pratchett says when the chance is one in the million...

I googled "periods late not pregnant" just now and got 32,400,000 results so it's safe to say I'm not alone with this problem. Though the professionals say that if you miss your periods, always assume you're pregnant first. It's like shoot first, ask later.

Easiest way to notice we're all individuals is ask them about their bodily functions. There are loads of similarities but no two of a kind. There are as many different types of dicks as there are guys and same goes for vaginas. Male circumcision can be a choice of beauty and there is a similar thing for women. Some (especially porn stars) have their labia surgically altered to match the beauty standards of society. This is yet again TMI but if I ever went through plastic surgery, that's probably the thing I would. But why, you ask, no one can even really ever see it. One day I will tell you, fine reader, but let's not be too personal after all.

Hopefully with this monologue I managed to tell something new about the beautiful female reproduction system to both genders without making anyone too grossed out.

And now we wait

I think all of us have written an application at some point. We have applied a job, to school, to exchange abroad, for a credit card... anything. And we all lie in those applications. It's either about our qualities and skills to be too good than they really are or we don't give ourselves enough credit. 

I have recently applied to study abroad and I wrote in my application that my English skills are good. For the application to be complete, I needed an official language certificate. Usually other universities - especially British - require an official language aptitude test taken which costs around 300€. But us Finns (or all Nordic) are known for our language skills in that area so they are lenient. I needed a certificate from my schools language department so I asked one of the English professors to write one. He did. And everything was "excellent" according to him. So maybe I lied in my application. In comparison, my English skills as a non-native speakers might be a tad bit better than just "good". I still think I need help with academic and formal English.

The formal English in applications is quite funny. For a humble and modest Finn writing an application to a native English speaker can be quite... well, awkward. Let's look at the few lines one can use in an application as such:

- Dear Sir/Madame or to whom it may concern

- I believe that the unique chance of studying and living abroad at one of the top ranked -- programs is a lifetime experience and could enrich and develop me as an individual and in my professional life.

- As a -- graduate, I plan to build an international career in the field of -- in the EU, so this programme will really mean a lot for my professional aspirations.

- Maturity, social poise, and the necessity to confront challenges outside a familiar support make me a suitable candidate for this position. 

- Aside from this, I am absolutely fascinated by --'s art and cultural scene and I believe that studying abroad in one of the world's most important financial centres will be very beneficial to my future career and will improve my post-graduate employment prospects.

- In closing this letter I would like to say I believe I would make an excellent ambassador of -- University because I can ride white horses backwards. I just need you to teach me how to do that with brown horses.

- With the professional skills I would acquire from the University of -- I would help Leonardo to get his Oscar which I believe he truly deserves.

- Without regular support from my family, close friends, cats and my chinchilla, I will be exposed to make new acquaintanceship if I ever dare to step out of my dorm.

- The semester in the University of -- would miraculously let me get rid of this amputation stump and heal my broken heart.

- Studying in your esteemed university would make me believe in Santa Claus again.

What ever you do, never copy any parts for your application straight from the deep debths of interwebs. Not even after you've read it carefully through, because the people reading those applications have read the same sentence a hundred times already. I at least believe in showing my personality since I'm not a machine. And now we wait for the response.