All the best

I've wrote about internet dating many times before but this time I thought I'd make a post with concrete examples. This is collection of different kind of types of guys in Tinder. Not all of these pictures are captured by me and I think it makes this even better. Or funnier, actually. Not all of these pictures are bad either, some of them I "swiped right" that I took. Some of these guys have probably found what they have been looking for too because I've been screenshotting these for quite a while now. Sometimes I open Tinder just for laughs, the stereotypes are just too hilarious.

Let's start with the easy ones. Guys who doesn't want to put their own face in Tinder. Maybe they're just browsing or having similar laughs as I am. Here are the weirdest ones so far:

I've covered the names but I left the ages because I think it's quite relevant. So this guy wanted to find company with this picture. Would you go out with him?

Now this guy is showing he is funny and primitive. I hope this cartoon character looks even a bit like him irl.

Even though I like minions, I didn't swipe right with this pic.

I wish I could tell how many people there are who puts quotes as pictures of themselves. This particular guy had many of them. Waste of space, I'd say. This is also a good example of the tree-huggers that sometimes shows themselves in the wonderful world of online dating. But not all who has quotes are hippies, they might just be very sensitive. Considering how much I like quotes, not even I have any of them in my profile...

I don't know how is this... I don't know... I just don't know. I can't even. Just no.

I do like sunsets too, but I'd still rather see your face.

Some faces though... Was that really the best available picture? You look like you should change the suit for a wife-beater.

First thing I thought was his real hair color.

At least this guy cropped everyone else from the picture. I wonder how many dozens were there to have this pixelated picture.

I get it, you don't really want anyone to recognise you.

I really do get it.

If this guy is 39, I'm the monkey's uncle.

Is this a childhood pic or... oh, okay. That explains.

And then there are the guys who really, really, really likes their vehicles.

Because sitting in a car is so cool.

Not only does this particular vehicle look hilarious, the description makes it even better.

It's not only just cars, it's planes and boats too.

Then there are the guys who wants to tell they got animals. Which is nice to know. Protip though, this shouldn't be the first picture.

I get it, you really like dogs. And they look great. But do you?

And then there are the mandatory tiger/lion pictures. The little activist in me thinks that if you can get that close to an animal like that, there's something wrong. Most likely the animal is drugged for tourists to pet them. Not cool, bro.

Speaking of drugs... This is one from the "I like to party" collection.

"I took this pic while I decided it's a good idea to make a profile for Tinder."

Nope, thumbs down.

"I'm not only high, I'm also funny."

Yep yep.

And then there are the people who have partied quite enough.

At least he is having fun.

Then there are those "come to bed with me" pics.

And those who only pose well when they have their arms around their ex-gfs.

That might actually be another dude, but pictures like this gives out the vibes that you have some unfinished issues still going on. This could also fall into the "I like to travel" category.

I like to travel too, so I kinda like these kind of pictures. Though I'm not sure if I would want to be this fellas Tinderella.

Back home in Finland I saw a lot of these kind of pictures. It's usually a guy who is clearly foreign and to him this apparently is an amazing view. To a local though it could be a bit funny that you've taken a picture from a place we've seen a million times and your face is not even in it!

There we go. A picture of you travelling with your face in it. Marvellous. But wait, is that a shade or do you have a strange moustache going on there?

So... you like cats AND travelling?

Some guys reaaaally likes sports.

Which is good to know. Even if it's in black and white. At least in this pic you can tell which one the person whose profile you're looking at it's been taken of.

Then there are the guys who have probably worked really hard for their bodies...

Really, really hard...

Uhm... maybe a bit too much.

 Some of the guys just want to show their bodies.

But not their spelling.

Yea, your kilt is too long.

I've never played Sims, but somehow this reminds me of it.

What's up with the grey boxers... What every girl wants to see, a semi. At least his intentions are pretty clear.

 Okay, so you can grow hair down there. Good for you!

Then there are guys who wants to show everyone's bodies.

I wonder why you're in Tinder, to promote teeth whitening?

Aww, isn't that sweet.

Yea, we get it.

I take it back, I don't get it.

Now we're moving to the plain weird section.

Will I see you in the cover of the next Nora Roberts book?

I give up.

Is that nail polish?

Yep, so done with this...

Why?

Just why.

Whyyyy?

I saved the best for last.

There you go, all the best of Tinder I have encountered so far on my own or through a friend. Hope you enjoyed the ride!

I haven't totally given up on Tinder yet though. When I came here (to a new country), I thought Tinder might be a good way to meet new people and especially local people. I got a lot of matches and I have a theory why is that. The girls here are either in very heavy makeup or they are very plain/odd. I assume I'm a bit of fresh air to the guys here being in between. Or maybe their standards are just not that high.

I usually don't meet guys from Tinder after just few messages but I did get one offer I couldn't refuse. So I went out to have a cup of tea with this one guy. We hit it off pretty well so we continued on to grab a bite and then walked around a bit. When we were calling it a night, I already had his number and we agreed that I would send him a message later so he would get my number too. I was just about to walk away when he uttered these words: "All the best."

The first reaction to that was like fuuuuck, did I get all the signals wrong, didn't he have good time after all, what the hell is that supposed to mean, all the freaking best?! But then I started to laugh and it turned out to be one of the most hilarious moments I've ever had on a date. Pretty sure he is never gonna forgive himself for saying that. And yes, I did meet him again. Second date included dancing in a foggy park, but that's another story altogether.

All the best, my darlings!

Untie me

I have had this terrible urge to write but my thoughts keep being too vague to be captured. It's freaking scary to move to another country. Even if it's only for a short time. Even if you speak the language. Even if you know people not too far from the place you've decided to move. It's scary to start your life again. To rebuild everything around you. New places, new look, new friends, new people everywhere. The chances of running into something familiar is very slim. Everywhere you go, everything is new. Everybody is new. Every road you walk is new. You have to figure out how everything works, how the shower works, how the kitchen works, how the water works, how the climate works, how the connections work, how the people and the culture works.

Nothing is safe. Nowhere is safe. Because it's so unfamiliar. But it's an adventure. And sometimes it's good to leave everything behind and just pause to take a breather. To see things from a new perspective. I'm dreading going back home to my old ways. Going back living in my head without embracing the artistic side of it. Here I feel like I could paint the sky, sing with birds, write the most painful poetry. Here I feel. Here I breathe. Here I miss.

Not only did I quit smoking again but I have had to change my eating habits. I've had to change how I interact with people. I have to be more outgoing, but I think I really am that. I think I've been passive so far and now I'm discovering how I really am. Not who I am, but how I am. I'm still sarcastic as fuck. I'm still more in my head and in my own solitude than I think the people around me are. But I am a risk taker, and that's what I should be doing. I should go get that tattoo. Should go bungee jumping. Here people likes the way I am because they don't know who I was.

I ride the waves of feelings because that's who I am. Whimsical, unpredictable, deep. I am a storm.

Untie me. Untame me.

I am the poem.

But I'm still a heart. Red, bleeding, scarred, hard heart. I beat. And I keep myself inside a ribcage because I know I have to leave this all soon. I cannot open the door for a unavoidable goodbye. I cannot open myself to you, because the shattered pieces would cut you. The well has a lid on so you won't fall and drown. The student should never become the master. You would tell me I'm the only one you're seeing, but do you really see me? Is it because I'm choosing not to show, not to be loud?

It comes so naturally here, far away from home. The lines writes themselves. Here I feel like I could be brilliant. A genius. The pain is real here, I'm not numb. I'm glad I came because I missed the feeling of feeling. And even though I know it's not going to end well, I'm happy I can have this time to feel. Feel like I'm alive. Feel like I'm doing something for myself. Going somewhere. But not staying there. Here I feel more proud of what I have accomplished. And I feel like I could do much more. I need challenges. This is only the start. The beginning. Not the beginning of an end, a beginning of a start.

World, here I come. It's going to be great. I'm going to be great. And one day you'll see it too.

Table of contents

So far I have published 101 posts and I thought it might be nice to have some kind of summary about them all. I also have things to add to those posts so I'm gonna use this wasted space for that.

• The First Morning is about how it all started on September 2013. My first post is actually even a year older because I started this blog to translate my old Finnish posts to English. Mainly to get more views, greedy as I am. The blog was going to be about World of Warcraft but as we all know now that ship has sailed long ago.

• Dawn Rises at the Battlefront is about my shampoo and the social contract. Don't worry, these two things has nothing to do with each other.

• Mondays is about my most memorable moments in WoW. Feels kinda redundant now that I've cancelled my game time and gonna take a long (deserved) break from the game.

• Something Concrete is unfortunately not about construction work but the first post to my knotted love life. It's the foundation of my future posts by explaining how the game "is it better" goes.

• About Pet Battle is about WoW and the Pokémon-like game inside it. To this I would like to add that it's a good way to fulfil your collectors needs while getting exp at the same time.

• On a More Serious Matter is about slavery and fur farming. Very grim, I'd say. Fur farming is still legal in Finland today and the conditions for the animals are not better.

• The Faire of the Dark Moon is basically a short summary of what I think is wrong in the world. I'm such a drag and not enough queen. Unlike the headline would suggest, it's not about WoW.

• Bugs and Booms is about WoW and was relevant two and a half years ago.

• Shoop Shoop is about how to recognise if a chick is into a guy in real life or in virtual worlds.

• A Shadow is my suggestion who to cast for a role of a gnome in a WoW movie and why different heights are weird to me.

• From Open Window You Can Hear Music is about music and I think the songs I've linked there are Hooverphonic's "Mad about you" and Awolnations's "Sail". When enough time passes, the links don't work anymore because of copyrights and YouTube deleting those which violates them.

• Top Five Songs is about WoW related songs. Weirdly all those links still works.

• Let Me Sing You the Song of My People is about how I became a guildleader. Quite bittersweet now that I've ended my reign of terror and left Kazz in charge. Letting go of my beloved guild was a difficult thought but weirdly easy when it happened.

• The Age of Innocence is the first time I announce that all that s/he stuff is crap and from that moment on I've usually just used "he" even though I mean either gender. The post is about virtual connection, touching and listening.

• Damn Starks Always Right Is about winter, troubles with health and quitting smoking. Unfortunately my few years of none smoking was gruesomely ended not long after my relationship had as well. So now I'm the weirdo at work who's the only one taking smoke breaks.

• Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the NO! is about Christmas and dreaming.

• In the End, Does It Even Matter? is about getting advice and giving them. It's about caring and almost like a new years resolution. It was a nice trip to memory lane for me to read this and be reminded how I felt just a year and a half ago.

• Storytime! is my favorite (not)kids story about a monster that eats yesterdays.

• 50 Shades Of Carl is about agreeing, disagreeing and arguments (with Bresh, that poor bastard has had to bare so many conversations about ethics) and it's about moral grey areas.

• Content Ever After is about the list of what we (me) want out of a relationship and how hard it is to find someone to match those lists with. After a year and a half I still wonder about the happily ever after and would it be better to know if it's not going to happen to me.

• Not For Thin Skinned is about circumcision.

• If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It is about a dream and being passionate.

• Alone In the Dark is about virtual connection in public places.

• Kids, This Is a Story of How I Didn't Meet Your Father is about dating and how sweet gestures are creepy if both are not as interested in each other. The song of that day was Bill Withers' "Just the two of us".

• I'm No Wise Man, but I Know a Few is a collection of inspirational quotes.

• Sha La Lala La is about the upcoming new year and the song of the day was "Kiss the Girl" from Little Mermaid.

• Captains Log, Day 1 is about the social games we play and how to deal with them.

• Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall is about different types of personalities in one person. It's the first time I call myself a mix of the beast and Belle: Beastelle.

• Sweet Dreams is about sleeping and dreaming.

• Risky Business is about dicks and the sizes of them. The song of the day was Lily Allen's "Not Fair".

• Starter is about the starter account on WoW.

• Once I Had a Heart is about shattering pain.

• Selfish Selfish is about a certain new year's resolution to not stick my nose into other people's business' and about probing people mentally.

• How Can We Be Friends? is about can guys and gals be friends through a personal story.

• Love Sees No Color is about the ideal partner and how it fits reality. The songs of the day were Pet Shop Boys' "You Choose" and Celine Dion's "It's all coming back to me now".

• Not So Simple is about guildies, friendship and what makes a relationship something more than a friendship.

• Fear and Loathing is about a big bad wolf called Russia and the fear we have towards it.

• The Stone I Carved My Heart Into is about being bored. Very boring post to be honest.

• It's Bitter but the Fruit is Sweet starts badly with whining but ends in good point about patience being the answer to desperation. The song of the day was Dreamgirls' "Patience".

• A Boy Who Wanted to Be a Real Puppet is about how much weight we put on penetration and why geeks don't have dates. The song of the day was "I'll make a man out of you" from Mulan. Pretty solid post, me thinks.

• The Things We Say for Love is about the worst encounters I've had on dating sites. The app I mentioned turned out to be Tinder and I was positively surprised how well it worked. But then again just last week some dude wanted to know if I liked doggystyle and when I didn't answer I got messages:

"Don't you like doggy?"

"???"

"Hello"

"At least answer". 

Nope. Ain't gonna. Sorry, brah.

• The Big Blue is my ode to a rare in WoW. Beautiful poem. Reading it makes me tear up.

• Desert Island is about being stranded on a deserted island. Kinda.

• Monsters Inc. is when it hit me that I'm the problem. Songs of the day were "Tomorrow" from the movie Annie and Becky G's "Problem".

• Unchain My Heart is about feeling good with the years I've spent on this planet and what I'm looking for on my travels. Song of the day was Titiyo's "Come along".

• The Eternal Waiter is about the metal music in my life and the struggle to just wait things to happen. Songs of the day were Entwine's "Falling apart" and Ensiferum's "Eternal Wait".

• This Ain't Your Fairytale is about how hard it is to talk about love.

• Happy, Happy, Happy..? is about what songs can make us feel. The songs of that post were Pharrell Williams' "Happy" and Louis Armstrong's "What a wonderful world". The post is also about the difference of being truly happy or being just comfortable.

• A Little Name Calling is about sextourettes and the fuckprotective law. Songs of the day were Oily Murs "Dear Darlin'", David Guetta ft. Akon's "Sexy Bitch" and Dylan from Modern Family singing "Imagine me naked".

• You Wouldn't Download 1001 Nights is about virtual connection and how it's nice to be able to like people who are obnoxious irl since you can't see their bad habits or smell their unbrushed breath. Gives me a chance to have friends too! (kidding)

• Like Sand Through Hourglass, So Are the Days of Our Lives is about how getting old sucks because it feels like time is running out. It's also about having children but what kind of mom would make the song of the day to be Children of Bodom's "Mask of sanity"...

• Sounds of Music is about lyrics.

• Curriculum Vitae is about how my life would look like if it was a life application (compare to job application). It's about regret and shame and how one should overcome all that.

• Pet the Bones is about considering wether we truly are infatuated by a certain someone or are we just looking for something that would look good on us. Songs of the day were Jewel's "You were meant for me" and Carole King's "It's too late".

• What Women Want is about a theory of senses that you can use to entice the opposite sex with. The post is written with a spoonful of tongue in cheek.

• Dictures is about dick pics. How nothing is sexual until we make it sexual and that applies to willies too. The song of the day was Lonely Island's "Dick in a box". Once I got a dickie from a guy I didn't know and judging the surroundings I was worried that he might be underaged. I don't want anything to do with childpornography so if you're young, please don't send me a dong shot. Wait a few years, they will be appreciated when you dick is legal.

• The Price of Love is about life after love and questions about the price of it. Songs of the day were White Lies' "Price of love" and Hurriganes' "I will stay". I recommend checking out the comments section also, it got interesting.

• Vial of the Sands is a WoW related post on the mats one needs to acquire the Sandstone drake.

• After You is about... I don't even know. I have to read this first. Hold on a second... I usually remember from the topic what I've been babbling about... Oh! It's about funeral arrangements. What a happy subject indeed. Songs of the mourn were Nick Cave's "Into my arms" and Hammerfall's "Remember yesterday".

• Say My Name is about names and what trouble forgetting them can cause you. Funny story. The example I'm giving there about forgetting your partners name... that happened to me. Songs of the day were Destiny's Child's "Say my name" and Paul Simon's "You can call me Al".

• Second-handed is about an interesting documentary I saw about virginity. It's a bunch of questions that should be read slowly and thoughtfully. The song of the day was Nightwish's "She is my sin".

• Does Age Really Matter? is about how we see the teenage years a modern bootcamp where the rookies can be ridiculed.

• Propaganda is about what I know about the war in Israel and about propaganda. The song of the day was conveniantly "Propaganda" from the game Beyond good and evil.

• Burn is about daydreaming and lighting a fire in you because of someone wrong for you. There's also a poem that's actually not half bad, now that I read it a year later. Song of the day was Ellie Goulding's "Burn".

• Wut Is Luv is about making a difference between love and obsession. It's about daydreaming, then getting mad, mad at yourself, then at him, then the whole world and finally you decide to forget the whole thing.

• Cheesy is about what if's and is it better's. It's about hearing the perfect things from the wrong person. It's about love. And the comment section is interesting also. Song of the day was Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn".

• Wut Is Luv, pt. 2 is the continuation of my thought process about love. It starts as I would have totally different opinion about the matter than last time, but if the reader is patient enough the ending will explain what I mean. Song of the day was "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat.

• Better to Whisk than Wither is a motivational post about taking control of your own life. The songs of the day were James Brown's "This is a mans world" and Gotye ft. Kimbra's "Somebody that I used to know".

• Love, Lust, Desire is about want, love and sex. As always when I write about sex, I distance myself from it by not telling too much about what happens in my own bedroom. I should probably take my own advice and talk about sexuality even more openly, and hope that the rest will follow. Song of the day was Lullacry's "Love, lust, desire".

• Who's Next? is about bullying in general and what's left outside the public conversation. The song of the day was Manic Street Preacher's "If you tolerate this your children will be next".

• Wordplay is about spooning and boners. Song of the day was Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty". Comment section might also teach you athing you didn't know. At least I did!

• The Silence of Noise is about being used to sounds outside and inside. There were two songs for that day, but I can't remember what the other one was and the link doesn't work anymore. The other one is Thomas Newman's song from the movie American Beauty.

• Let Me Paint You a Picture is a post with plenty of pictures and a rant about not being good enough for anyone. The song of the day was Hannah Montana's (or Miley Cyrus, if you will) "One in a million".

• The Stink is a short post about lyrics. The songs were Sonata Arctica's "Misery" and J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks".

• A Road to Lyrics is a post yet again about how meaningful lyrics can be. This time from the perspective of a Finn. Song of the day was Neljä Ruusua's "Tie ajatuksiin".

• I Like You but I Don't Love you is a post about my trip to Turkey and overall what makes me travel. Song of the day was Bobby Summer's "Jabba jabba".

• Love Is to Lay Yourself Open to Loss is about being afraid and the other side of fear. Not my best work, tbh.

• Lemme Marry You Pls is about everyone's right to marry. Songs of the day were Bruno Mars' "Marry you" and Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus".

• Wink Wonk is about flirting and crushes.

• Can I Crash and Burn on You? is about an upcoming blind date. We had a good 24h date and we never saw each other again. He ended up dating my friend for few months, but it turned out he wasn't a momma's boy but totally kept by his collar by his ex. And I never got that ice cream because we met so late that the place was already closed. It was a sign. Songs of the day were Boys town gang's "Can't take my eyes off you", Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just want to have fun" and Roxette's "Listen to your heart".

• Brains Over Boobs is a brief post about how hard dating is.

• What a Strange Ride... is about the songs that have carried me through year 2014. They were Polarkreis' "Allein allein", Weird Al Yankovic's "White and nerdy", Animals' "Don't let me be misunderstood", S.O.A.P's "Not like other girls", Disclosure's "You & me", Flynt Flossy, Yung Humma & Whatchyamacallit's "Treat me like a pirate", In this moment's "Big bad wolf" and Lady Gaga's "The edge of glory". It's also a new years resolution and I'm happy to say I have followed my own advice. Funny sidenote about the guy I "asked" out on a date. He is also one of those I've written about who has made socks spin in my feet for years and years. Right now I'm in a situation that I have to see him a lot and it's quite similar to torture. Not because I fancy him but because I can't be normal around him. No wonder he doesn't like me because he only sees a weird unnatural plastic cover walking around.

• Who's the Biggest Fool of Them All? is about depressing darkness and motivational quotes to carry one through tough times. Songs of the day were Miley Cyrus' "Two more lonely people" and Sturm und drang's "That's the way I am".

• I'm Fine. is about the biggest lie we keep repeating to others and to ourselves. Song of the day was Sentenced's "Excuse me while I kill myself".

• Non-hit Wonder is about hit songs we all probably know and listening to those uplifts spirit for some weird reason. Songs of the day were Daniel Powter's "Bad day", Eagle-Eye Cherry's "Save tonight", Lara Fabian's "I will love again", Sisqo's "Thong song" and I think the other two were White Town's "Your woman" and... umm... I think it was Kajagoogoo's "Too shy". Maybe.

• I Swear is about the rollercoaster of emotions I keep going through. Song of the day was Journey's "Don't stop believing".

• Dragonborn is about bad, bad Luci who eats geeks for breakfast. As you might know that happened to this guy two. It was short, it was sweet and at least we tried. Song of the day was Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call me maybe".

• Damn Smoochies is a Valentine's day extravaganza with ickylove and winkwonk pics. Song of the day was Ellie Goulding's "Love me like you do".

• I Know You is about the difference in what happens in out head and what we do. It's actually continuation to Dragonborn. And it's a shameless advert to follow my Pinterest walls. Song of the day was Skylar Grey's "I Know you".

• A Shitty Thing is probably the bravest thing I've ever done in my whole life and that is writing about my rumbling stomach. It's the reason I know so much about historical toilets. Personal interest and whatnot, ya know.

• My Life Is a Parody is about my favorite WoW related parody songs. I've wisely listed them in the post so even if the links don't work, they are still traceable.

• And Now We Wait is about writing an application and avoiding sentences everyone uses. Song of the day was from the musical Hair "Manchester".

• Vagina Monologue is about what the title says: lady parts. Mainly about periods. Song of the day was Shania Twain's "Man! I feel like a woman".

• Spoon List is how the story ended for the dragonborn and about regrets. Songs of the day were Kygo's "Stole the show" and Avicii's "Waiting for love". Have you noticed that the most viral songs of this summer have been quite depressing?

• Head-ass-trophy is about why I wanted to get rid of my hair. I actually didn't. It's still in a bag somewhere and I have no idea wether to throw it out or not. My boss said that my current hairstyle represents my personality, but I disagree. Of course I can be sassy but in the end I'm the lady in distress standing on a cliff with her hair waving in the ocean breeze. Song of the day was Skunk Anansie's "Weak". I said that you can touch it and I still agree with that. I tell you not to, but actually I'm totally okay with the head-pats.

• My Mind Is a Ghost Town is a poem that I'm very proud of. For once I feel like I nailed it. What I had in mind I was able to write down and even make it rhyme. Song of the day was Adam Lambert's "Ghost town".

• Paint It Black is my latest post. It's about the dangerous thing: thinking. And romance. Both as dangerous. Especially when combined. It's about how much we in modern society are affected with altered folk stories. Song of the day was Entwine's "Snow white suicide".

That's all my posts. I didn't put here the update posts because they are meaningless now. I appreciated the opportunity to correct some grammar here and there but to be honest, I couldn't be arsed in every post. It was a wild ride indeed filled with ups and downs but also with something concrete themes too. Let's see what the future will bring from now on. Thanks for reading!

Song of the day is this because after reading my own train of thoughts I kinda wanna... Set the world on fire.

Paint it black

There I was, minding my own business, doing my thang, playing with my paints and brushes as I sometimes do. I didn't even think about it much. I was painting the last pieces of furniture I had left into my favorite furniture-color = black, and chatting with my flatmate. But then she stopped my train of thoughts by asking why do I have the need to paint. She also suggested that there might be more to it because I'm painting things black. Every once in a while I get the deep need to change the way I live in a very literal sense. I move, I rearrange my furniture, I paint. I didn't have an answer for her, I don't know why I have the need to surround myself with black in the middle of the summer. And I can tell it's summer because I'm peeling skin off of my burned back as we speak. But it's not like I was baking or cleaning! Few days later I had done the dishes three times, cooked couple of times, vacuumed and washed the floors and whatnot. Oh crap, this was getting serious.

So I started to think and you all know how dangerous thinking is. All this obviously have something to do with worrying about a friend of mine who got bad news. I feel like I'm again left standing there helplessly because I have no idea what to do and I don't want to make the same mistakes as I have done with other friends when they've needed a friend. The only problem is that everyone has their own way of dealing with things so what I did wrong earlier might be the right thing to do now and vice versa. Still I'm determined to yell, hold out signs, scream and hug forcefully or whatever is needed to make sure that my friends know that I'm there for them and I think about them. And whenever they need, I'll be there to tell them that sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Though I'm well aware that there's nothing I can do if the other person doesn't want me to. Ask yourself when's the last time you called someone and said "I feel like shit, could you come over?". My final plan, if nothing else works, is to send nudes to this guy to get him occupied with other things than grief. Think that would work?

I think from time to time we all have the need to turn our gaze inside and just be with ourselves. And I don't necessarily mean a pain that paralyses you. It can be finding focus and motivation in you when the outside world gets too loud. (This is one of those times it's not wise ask me how I'm doing because you only get a long answer with metaphor filled sentences about drowning and falling and... well, just read on and you'll understand.) When I hide inside the dark end of my mind-cave, I think about love. It's my favorite subject. We live in society filled with Disney and romantic comedies, where it's emphasised that true love awaits. I'm glad I watched those because they thought me that there is something magical out there and I'm worth happiness no matter how quirky I am. On the other hand I regret ever watching any of those because time has passed and it still hasn't happened.

I watched How I Met Your Mother from start to the end finally. Watching shows like that always makes me wonder which character would I be. First I thought I'd be like Lily, a bad-ass who devotes her life to long-lasting love and friends. Then I thought I might be a softer version of Barney, awesome of course but a heart-breaker with a consciousness. But then came the episode where Ted asked an important question: "what's wrong with me?" and I realised that the most I resemble him. Fudge. How many times I've thought to myself what's wrong with me, why hasn't it happened? I'm back to the Beauty and the Beast -scenario thinking I'm the problem. But this time with a twist.

When I complained about my love life to Juju she pointed out that maybe my heart isn't open for love and I gotta say that thought has crossed my mind before. Maybe I've met the love of my life already but I somehow have blocked the gates to my heart and never even gave a real chance to that person. Maybe I'm already so broken that no amount of glue can patch up my shattered heart. Maybe the only thing open really is the candy store. I also think I'm spoiled by my past good relationships to have my hopes up high for the everyday life. But the fairy tales have taught me never to lose hope.

The problem with most of the TV shows and movies from my childhood to this point in life is that there's the happily ever after. Monica marries Chandler and even though they can't have kids, they adopt not just one kid but twins. It's implemented that Ted gets not one, but two love of his life and even Barney finds the true meaning of love. Booth dates Bones. Nanny marries Mr. Sheffield. That guy wasn't hit by a car after all. This chick woke up from coma. Even the freaking Donkey falls in love! And it's mutual! Same happens in the books on my shelf. Playing video games would've been much safer because the princess was always in another castle.

I don't know if I'll ever meet the One True Love, the Love Of My Life, the Knight In Shining Pink Armor. I believe in it less and less everyday but still I'm clinging on to some faint hope - I don't believe in it, but I hope it's true. Searching for it gets easier and worse at the same time. Dating is easier now than it was couple of years ago and I think I know more of what I want in a significant other. Also telling the other person that they are not that is easier now than it was before. Meaning that the words come out easier but it feels horrible every time a little more. Making a shatter in your heart or self-esteem or whatever it is that rejection wounds, makes a wound in me too. I never meant to hurt you. You were supposed to be the One. But you are not, I'm sorry.

They say girls shouldn't expect a prince if they are not princess' themselves, but I'm nothing but a princess. Think about it, semirough childhood, pretty when fixed up, whimsical and stubborn, good with animals, scared of the unknown but curious about it, romantic yet brave and old-fashioned. All I need is a weird sidekick. I even have an evil stepmother. So where the hell is my prince?!

You can read more about the evil "media" and "society" for example from Glamour (Though I disagree with the cutlery aspect. I think it's more a lesson of not judging a book or a candlestick by it's cover), from Brandeis (2 pages and even though I agree with the problem I think the solution could also be teaching kids media criticality), or from Michigan News (I don't watch The Bachelor, btw).