Another brick on the wall

Yesterday at work we talked about how us Finns are so neurotic for being right. If we can't do a good job, we don't do it at all. That's why we shy from talking other languages. Almost everyone in Finland knows some other language enough to at least survive with it. If a group of random Finns were thrown to a place and country unknown to them, they could be home in no time, because one of them can communicate in French, one in German, one in Russian, one can read Greek alphabet and one has roots in Middle-East and remembers some Arabic. And of course they all speak both Swedish and English. But they won't, since they can't use the language because they don't do it perfectly. We do nothing half-assed, we won't even live the life we're handed because we might mess it up. So better keep the expectations low.

I've been thinking about expectations a lot lately. I think in some way the time in England freed me. For the past few years I've battled more and more between who I am and who I should be in the sight of my friends, society, destiny... I've been in a glass cage of knowing people want something of me. They want me to be something. And I've found out that is a lie. Or if they do want me to be something, it's something totally different than I thought. My teenage years have screwed me over big time and I've been trying to fix it ever since. Being in a foreign country with people who don't know me was a huge step closer in accepting that people likes me for who I am. And they actually likes the real me a lot more than the fake me. I don't know why it is so hard to accept that I'm not perfect as a person, but I can still be a pretty cool gal.

I have fought against the artist in me. In a way I've thought the time has passed and I'm too late. I will never become anything. But I never wanted to be a Hollywood star. And time is a bonus for a thinker. The older you are, the more you've had time to think. And maybe in the end you can make something sensible out from all of it. I've tried to look like everyone else so I won't be recognised as "one of those people". You know, those people who lives inside their heads. Those people that are not really here. Those people who have lots of colors and flowers and pictures of kittens in their clothes. And hats. Preferably huge hats. I've been so afraid of getting that stamp on my forehead that I have chained myself to the ground thinking that flying is forbidden. That people will judge me and shun me from their society if I dare to be what I am. And all this time I could have been reaching for the stars. For example if I had committed to painting or writing, I wouldn't be Picasso or Shakespeare, but I could be pretty good because of all the practicing. Maybe I had published a book. Or held a little show in an art gallery. No more excuses, it's time to start flying.

I don't know why we think we know what other people think. Especially what they think about us. Why do we assume so many things without asking, without hearing the answer. Just believing something is not worth as much as the truth, as we Finns would say. When I was a teenager they said not to believe everything you hear, or not to believe everything they say, but why didn't anyone say don't believe what they think either.

I'm not saying I would be a famous artist if I hadn't wasted time with not being myself, but I might be happy now. I fought the wrong battles and thinking they would improve me, they made me more miserable. I'm that kind of a person who will never find peace, the inner struggle is too strong. But maybe I can find passing moments of serenity and over-all happiness. Especially if I don't waste time looking back how much time I've wasted. Maybe in a couple of decades when my friends are getting old and worried, I'll be drinking from the fountain of youth, thinking I've "found the truth inside after all the tears I've cried". In an old poem I wrote "I didn't know, by selling my soul, I couldn't grow old, nobody told" but I got that wrong. Selling my soul made me ancient, and when I got released from my contract I got young again.

Did that make any sense or was I unsuccesful bringing my thoughts from the clouds to the general area? I'll try to make more sense from now on: The other day my friend asked if I was interested to go on a boat trip to Croatia this summer. Hell yeah I'm interested! What could be more fun than laying in the sun for a week and swim in the crystal clear ocean? And then I heard who else is going and suddenly I came up with dozen of other things I could do with the money. Here's the list:

I could go fix my teeth so they would be straight. I don't know why they didn't fix them at the dentist when I was young. Maybe they weren't crooked enough. It's an expensive and long process, but one trip could cover the costs. And then I could actually have my teeth "lined up like a pearl necklace" as my last dentist lied to me.

I could finally get a hair extention. For long I've been dreaming of long, long, looooong hair. I like my short hair and sometimes I wonder if I should keep shaving it off because it's so much easier to upkeep that way, but a long beautiful hair would be a whole different story.

I could almost get a driver's license with that money. Not entirely but a lot of it anyway. I don't have a car and I don't know why would I need a license, but that's still something I could do. Or I could learn how to ride a motorcycle. I could buy a scooter and wroom wroom around the town. Okay, a used scooter, but a scooter nontheless. Though the public transportation is so good here that I wouldn't really need it. So maybe not useful but it could still be fun.

I could go to a spa and have all kinds of treatments. I could travel to England and Denmark to meet all of my friends. I could travel somewhere else. I was just last summer in Croatia and I want to see as many countries I can while on this earth.

I could furnish my apartment as I wish. I could buy painting equipment and turn my studio into a studio. I could get a canvas covering a whole wall and just paint all my troubles away.

I could pimp my computer. Buy gadgets. I could buy 20 pairs of quality leggings with that money. I could buy, buy, buy, but I already have so much stu... crap. I would rather get rid of it than get more. And experiences are worth more than any amount of money.

I could go to a concert or two, go on a party cruise here, travel in Finland meeting friends and relatives. I could have a proper vacation for a change and do absolutely nothing.

I could save up for a rainy day.

I could donate the money to a charity and solve all world's problems with it. Or I could go do volunteer work abroad and buy the plane tickets with that money.

I could hire a personal trainer and get fit. Or I could take dance classes. Or take singing lessons.

I could get a tattoo. I've been dreaming of a big and painful one

But the one thing I want the most is not something I can buy. One thing I want more than travel is to find love. We speak about finding love, but is love really hiding somewhere? Or is it all around us but we just don't see it. Love is blind, they say, but I think we as people are more blind...

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...and that's where I stopped writing a month ago. I was supposed write it later but then I got new ideas and I couldn't write more posts until this one was finished and I didn't have the inspiration for this one anymore. So I never finished this and never will. I will probably one day post something about the thing I was gonna write but now I have to post this before the blog gets so cold it can freeze hell.

Here's the song of the day. I heard it in Elementary and liked it. It's not connected to anything, but it's a good song and I want you to like it too. And how can you like a song, if you've never heard it?

#justfinnishthings

This is gonna be a long post, forgive me. 

I've been so unbelievably homesick lately that I can't even. It doesn't help that I've had a headache the past three days, stressing for schoolwork and for going back home and ofc it's that time of the month. I took a pill for the headache, did some school stuff and bought some chocolate, so those things are covered, but there's not much I can do to homesickness. And add to that it's the independence day of Funland.

I miss home. I miss toilet doors that opens outside. I miss bus fares that are the same for any distance inside a certain region. I miss people automatically giving space to each other while walking on the street. I miss tap water that tastes good. I miss my own university and the level of education there. I miss familiar currency and familiar products at the store so I could do some kind of comparison without it taking forever. I miss knowing that I can speak my mind and knowing I have the words and the ability to explain what I mean without having to rush and leave things half way (I'm so much more witty in my native language). I miss knowing what's socially acceptable. But most of all I miss my friends and family. I miss being Finnish and not having to justify it to anyone.

It comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning. Tomorrow I'll probably be fine again and thinking that I don't ever want to go back home. So many things are good here and I love the freedom and anonymity that speaking a foreign language gives me. Though I easily swear in situations it's frowned upon, a thing that I would not do in Finnish. I'm having fun here and I love my new friends, they give me different kind of energy that I never thought I could have. I think I have already changed, but for the good and I'm somewhat scared to go back home. What if I fall back to my old ways? What if I don't fit in anymore? As if I ever fit in...

I've always been a bit more patriotic than the average friend of mine but being in a foreign country makes me appreciate my homeland in a very profound way. Clean water and clean air are amazing things. Forests and lakes. Our body-image. The bittersweet melancholy which gives space for happiness too. Free education, health care, dental. Electronic and technological advantages. The history we have. Ecological thinking. Equality and the sexual revolution. Honesty and politeness. The fact that we have a metal cover of so many songs and we have a metal band just for kids. There are so many things wrong in Finland but there are so many things right that it makes it the best country in the world.

I'm listening to Finnish songs and being all teary-eyed. We have a national anthem "Maamme -laulu" (our land's song) but we also had a great composer once, you might have heard of him, called Jean Sibelius who wrote the song Finlandia hymn. It was never meant to be sang but lyrics were made for it almost immediately and they're absolutely beautiful. This is that song performed by a choir and it was an ad for the presidential elections some time back.

The lyrics are touching, the song states that the day of Finland has finally arrived and the terror of the night has been driven away. It also says that Finland should hold its head high because it has shown the world that it has banished slavery and has not bend under oppression. Your morning has begun, Finland.

The times are tough in Finland like they are everywhere. Money is scarce and funding from cultural, educational and health care section are being pulled. There are a lot of worries about human rights, and immigrants and refugees. The discourse is loud - luckily. For both for and against, but at least we are talking about it. The best statement so far was made recently by a store chain with their ad:

The song is a classic and the lyrics gets new meanings with this ad and the people singing it. The lyrics goes something along these lines: He happened to be born innocent / to this northern and cold land / where already the ancestors drunk - of course / beat up their wives and children if they could catch them / the son wanted to escape from the traditional fate / "I won't ever buy an axe and I will never drink booze / or otherwise I will loose the house" / it drives a man in desperation / when the frost harvests the crops / from the middle of cold soil silently / a cold eye is staring / when the axe rises / in the middle of the mounds, from soil of the ground / proudly the fathers are watching their sons / unemployment, alcohol, an axe and the family / snow blanket, police and the last mistake... And so on. It's a very depressing song, but putting in this context it shows us that we're not different from the immigrants and the colour of your skin doesn't determinate that you can't have the same roots as I do.

Finland is traditionally seen as a white and blue country. White as snow, blue from the thousand lakes (or the coldness which makes us change colour from the captains of chalk ships to very unhealthy blueberries). The world is changing and so is Finland with it. I can only imagine the hardships those people go through who moves to Finland and I see it better every day now that I'm far away struggling myself with unfamiliar surroundings. Though I blend in in every Western country for being brown-haired and green-eyed, so one can't tell just by looking at me that I'm necessarily foreign. I've encountered enough cat-calling for being able to imagine what racism could be like, but I imagine it to be something much worse.

Today there's much more colour in Finland and that should be seen as a good thing. Learning about different cultures doesn't only teach us about the world, but it also makes us learn more about ourselves. Not looking beyond our own navel makes us narrow-minded in so many levels and thinking that our ways are the best makes us stand still. You are allowed to pick and choose the best for you and you are allowed to be yourself whatever that might be. It's not okay to break the law or not try living with the rules of the community, but as a person you should be what you are. It's hypocritical of us Finns to judge others when we consider being different a good thing. I know we bow to the Western culture and we want to be known and recognised but we still embrace our difference. Finnish culture wouldn't give up saunas even if rest of the world would criticise it. So why is it so hard to let others be what they want? Why do we think we're so superior and at the same time we have a huge inferiority complex.

Being away from home is hard. Many of my friends don't realise how much I would appreciate hearing from them, talking to them in my mother tongue and just overall being surrounded by familiar things even if it's through interwebs. I find solace in chatting with a friend who lives in a neighbouring country because I imagine he has gone through similar things as I have. He probably hasn't, but I like to relate even if it's just figure of my imagination. And he is one of the few people who pokes me from time to time asking me how it's going. I appreciate that. Though chatting with him is a bit dangerous - this is a person I've mentioned in the blog few times before and I would tell you guys the whole story if I didn't know he occasionally reads this. And on the note of men, I'd like to give an update on what's going on. But first a song to ease the transition.

I am tired of using technology and I need you right in front of me. Which means I'm quite tired of online dating. I miss feeling the rising tension of meeting your crush and I think online dating makes things too mechanical. I did have quite good experience just now: few so romantic dates that they are in my top5 along with the text message saying "the streets are flooding, can I call you?" and kissing at the airport right after meeting.

One of the best parts of him is that he has no idea how good looking he is. He told me that he has made some drastic changes in his life and he doesn't see how much good they've done for him. The worst part is that he has no space in his life and he doesn't realise how much that can affect another person. There's also cultural differences, me thinks, because as a Finn I appreciate punctuality a lot. I can be flexible but if you expect me to be that elastic outside the bedroom, it's not fun anymore.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in being friends first and dating later. Then you already know you're compatible and you know most of the things the other person does. With online or blind dating the connotation is always romantic or at least sexual first. There's some kind of touching of the skins before you really know the other person and then people rather do that than talk.

All the best -guy said the same thing as Dragonborn, and I think they're right. They both blamed me for attacking or pointing out the flaws in them. My friends have always told me I'm too judgemental and I guess that hasn't changed. I will think about this a lot and hopefully I'm able to change my ways because I don't want to be the person who keeps nagging. I think it has something to do with this:

But it's not just about romance. It's about everything. When I see greatness, I'm many times disappointed that the person doesn't see it himself and hasn't reached it yet. Perhaps pointing out the things would help them to realise those things and then help to reach them. It doesn't work like that, I know, and I have to stop doing that. This is why we need to date people that are compatible. Someone who knows you, knows what you mean when you do things, or say things, knows your tone of voice, knows the way you are and the way you act. Dating people blindly is tiresome; getting to know new people again and again in hopes that they will fulfil your hopes and dreams is exhausting.

At least I'm learning things about myself everyday. Both living abroad and dating are good ways to know more of who you are. I truly thank the people and the world for the feedback. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger . After few weeks when I go back home, I will be hard as a rock.

One more (Finnish!) song for the occasion. The lyrics say that you're finally starting to realise that you don't need permissions from anyone, that you're too beautiful to be ashamed and there's nothing to lose, so just let go, be beautiful, indecent and happy. That's truly what a strong independent Finnish woman should be.

Untie me

I have had this terrible urge to write but my thoughts keep being too vague to be captured. It's freaking scary to move to another country. Even if it's only for a short time. Even if you speak the language. Even if you know people not too far from the place you've decided to move. It's scary to start your life again. To rebuild everything around you. New places, new look, new friends, new people everywhere. The chances of running into something familiar is very slim. Everywhere you go, everything is new. Everybody is new. Every road you walk is new. You have to figure out how everything works, how the shower works, how the kitchen works, how the water works, how the climate works, how the connections work, how the people and the culture works.

Nothing is safe. Nowhere is safe. Because it's so unfamiliar. But it's an adventure. And sometimes it's good to leave everything behind and just pause to take a breather. To see things from a new perspective. I'm dreading going back home to my old ways. Going back living in my head without embracing the artistic side of it. Here I feel like I could paint the sky, sing with birds, write the most painful poetry. Here I feel. Here I breathe. Here I miss.

Not only did I quit smoking again but I have had to change my eating habits. I've had to change how I interact with people. I have to be more outgoing, but I think I really am that. I think I've been passive so far and now I'm discovering how I really am. Not who I am, but how I am. I'm still sarcastic as fuck. I'm still more in my head and in my own solitude than I think the people around me are. But I am a risk taker, and that's what I should be doing. I should go get that tattoo. Should go bungee jumping. Here people likes the way I am because they don't know who I was.

I ride the waves of feelings because that's who I am. Whimsical, unpredictable, deep. I am a storm.

Untie me. Untame me.

I am the poem.

But I'm still a heart. Red, bleeding, scarred, hard heart. I beat. And I keep myself inside a ribcage because I know I have to leave this all soon. I cannot open the door for a unavoidable goodbye. I cannot open myself to you, because the shattered pieces would cut you. The well has a lid on so you won't fall and drown. The student should never become the master. You would tell me I'm the only one you're seeing, but do you really see me? Is it because I'm choosing not to show, not to be loud?

It comes so naturally here, far away from home. The lines writes themselves. Here I feel like I could be brilliant. A genius. The pain is real here, I'm not numb. I'm glad I came because I missed the feeling of feeling. And even though I know it's not going to end well, I'm happy I can have this time to feel. Feel like I'm alive. Feel like I'm doing something for myself. Going somewhere. But not staying there. Here I feel more proud of what I have accomplished. And I feel like I could do much more. I need challenges. This is only the start. The beginning. Not the beginning of an end, a beginning of a start.

World, here I come. It's going to be great. I'm going to be great. And one day you'll see it too.

I like you but I don't love you

Once again I was out of the country. This time I spent a week in Turkey with my close family. As a family we're just as feisty as we are as individuals so travelling with my siblings and my mother was a stressful thought. I guess we've grown a lot because we didn't have a single huge fight - a thing I was expecting to happen.

I think it's because like my flatmate said, we had a common enemy. The trip was poorly organised from the start and the guide/translator weren't very helpful. Yes, the trip was cheap and company was great but so many things we're so badly off that they almost ruined the trip.

It was a hassle from the beginning. The guy who answered the phone when I called to make the reservation didn't quite understand what I was saying. Maybe because I was speaking Finnish and he probably speaks Estonian as native language. When I got the paperwork via e-mail, I had to reply it several times to get them to correct the names. Then they sent the same papers over and over again but nothing really usable. I had to demand to get our travelling documents before they sent them. A thing I think should really be automatically made after the firm got payment. In the airport my family asked me where we should go, but I didn't know much else but that we weren't supposed to need any documents except our passports. Of course I had most of the papers with me because I didn't trust the "only passport" thing one bit. When we found the right gate we actually didn't need anything else but the passport which was a pleasant surprise.

Three and a half hours in the air plane can be tiresome, especially if one doesn't get anything to eat. Or to drink. On the way back they served coffee and tea free of charge, and maybe it would have included in the service on the way there too. But we didn't know about that.

We landed so late that we just went straight to the hotel in the bus that we used the whole trip. The bus was nice and the driver drove safely and he was friendly. The bus didn't have a toilet which was weird because we knew that we'd have to sit in it for ten hours both ways and then some. Luckily they sold unlimited amount of water bottles for 5€. In the hotel we were sent to our rooms and told when the breakfast was. Next day we heard there would've been drinks for us and some snack. Didn't help us much then anymore but even the guide didn't know about that.

Because it was a cheap trip and prepacked, they of course tried to sell extra stuff to us. We bought the package which gave us access to the sights and dinner. The other package would've been second meals and some extra trips. We didn't want that and when we declined buying it, we were told that we made things difficult for the whole group. We didn't. But the whole trip we were made feel like second class customers.

Few of the sights were interesting. We visited open air museums, a city in caves under the ground, bazaars and oh so many rest stops. The restaurants and the sights were full with people from the same kind of trips and the passengers where herded like cattle. The noise even in the hotel restaurants buffets were uncomfortable. We didn't get to see much "authentic" Turkey - though granted that tourism is a huge part of the country. Many of the stops were just like the last one.

Best part of the trip have to be hot air ballooning. It cost extra, but it was worth it. And the whole family went, even our mother who is afraid of heights survived and liked the flight.

When we landed back home I almost cried. Though I was extremely tired from the trip, I also felt relieved to be home. It's nice to go away but more often it's even better to come back home. Like most of the trips before, this time too I felt like I didn't find what I was looking for. Strangely it also made me feel happy because I wasn't travelling as "a sextourist" like my friends playfully call me. This trip made it more clear that I wasn't looking for love on my travels but some kind of peace of mind or home.

Turkey is a lovely country and definitely worth to travel, but I think my two times are enough. Weather this time of the year is ideal for a Northener like me but summers are way too hot. It's dirty there and I never learn how to use those holes in the floor mimicking toilets. The people are friendly and helpful but they also try to force sell everything to you. Probably even their own mother if they could. In an Islamic country I do feel uncomfortable anyway. I would like to obey their cultural rules like in any country I visit, but I can't approve the oppression of one whole gender.

There's so much more I could tell about the trip but sometimes it's best to tell only the essentials.
TL;DR: Don't travel with TSS. It is le shit. Go hot air ballooning. It is le bomb.

Almost forgot to link a song! Here is one oldie but goldie that I played on the trip. If nothing else, the vid is quite amusing:

Turkey, I like you. But I don't love you.

Wordplay

A month ago I was on a roadtrip in Denmark with my friend and guildmate Juju. We rented a car and drove around almost the whole country. Here is a map of it. The blue line is the way up and the red is the way back. The idea of the trip was to meet as much guildies as we could and we had time to see five of them. So the trip was pretty much a success!

Of course we came up with dozen of inside jokes but we also came up with new words. We thought that "shipping" two people together wasn't good enough and we started to call it "planing". The logical explanation to this is that ships are slower than planes. And if you want two people to be together, you want it to happen sooner than later. (Actually the word doesn't come from ships or delivering cargo, but we didn't let that stop us.)

We also came up with the term "complimentary boner". When you're spooning with someone, and you're the little spoon and the bigger spoon has a penis, it's expected the bigger spoon to get a boner. It is quite rude if they don't since they are rubbing their pelvis against your butt. It's not necessarily anything you have to do something about. It can happen amongst friends too. But you shouldn't be offended about it, it's just a compliment to your butt and the sweet, sweet spooning you're doing.

Seriously girls, if a guy gets a boner, it doesn't mean you have to put out. It doesn't even mean you should get uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure guys get boners all the time and are quite used to them. And used to it not leading to anything more than that. Enjoy the poke on your lower back! The person you're spooning with couldn't say it better with words: you're hot and he knows it.