Warning signs

If you were forced to wear a warning label, what would yours say?

Mine would probably be a long list of all kinds of things from weak self-esteem when face-to-face with someone to judging others too hard to being gullible to having too much patience with messed up people. We all got our stuff. And many times they contradict each others.

I finally got bored growing my armpit hair and decided that I need something, even a little action in my life. I thought Tinder is not for me right now, I want to be able to know a bit more about the other person. I remember OkCupid to be fun so I thought I'd give it another go. Oh boy... I had forgotten some realities of internet dating while taking a break.

Tinder makes it available to send messages only to those who likes you back. OkCupid has no such filter. I made my profile on Saturday and it's now Tuesday morning and almost thirty people has sent me something. Mostly just "hi". I'm not gonna answer to hi unless you're the freaking pope. Or Johnny Depp. And not just a lookalike, it should be the real deal.

One day I was browsing through apps and I saw an app for online dating guide. And specifically for OkCupid. I didn't know I need an app for it. Guide maybe yeah, but an app? What would the app do? I haven't yet tried it, but I think I must just in the name of science.

I think I've probably written about this topic before, but the online world changes so quickly that it's better update the idea. I've changed also, I'm even more bitter and sarcastic towards online dating so let's see where this combination takes us. When I googled the guide app to find more information, I found this site and thought it's pretty interesting. It's an analysis OkCupid has done about what messages gets most responds. So apparently people answer around 36% of the messages they get. I have now answered around 10% which is four answers in total. One guy just linked me some political stuff so I had to answer him that this is definitely not the best way to advance your agenda. One guy sent such a freaky message that I couldn't help but answer something sarcastic back. At least he had written a lot, though I think it was a copy-paste he sends to a lot of people. But it did not include anything sexual, nothing about my looks and it had more than one line of text so it deserved an answer. I like to encourage such behaviour even though the message and probably the person is just a huge joke.

I took a few screenshots of my inbox, but I must warn you: it's not a pretty sight. The lack of imagination and personality (both being personal and showing personality) is worth of headache. And I know this is not even that bad! Facebook had automatically given my profile pic to OkCupid and it took me few days to realise it. Guess what my profile pic looks like in FB? Like I'm the michelin man! On purpose of course, but maybe not the most enticing picture for a dating site. Though that proves even more that most of these guys haven't read my profile at all. (If you don't know what a michelin man is, google is your friend)

Okay, it might not have been easy to see what's said in the screenies but the point is most of them are just helloes and not much else. Most of these messages are from foreigners living in Finland. I keep meeting people like this, probably because I don't care where people are originally from and I think OkCupid is more used by non-Finnish speakers. But there's a clear difference (this is a generalisation) how Finnish guys and how foreign guys tries to hit on chicks. The problem is that both of these groups are trying to hit Finnish women (mostly). Finnish guys don't flatter enough or it's so cheesy it sounds like a lie. Foreign guys flatter too much that it starts to sound like empty words very soon.

For some reason many foreign guys think they have to lie about what they want to women to get what they really want. They want to have sex.

D'oh.

I mean, who doesn't?

Not always and not all, of course. But mostly it's on the agenda and really high up on the list. But why make all those speeches of "I'm so romantic, I'm the most romantic guy in the world, I like to cuddle, I like romantic comedies, I just want to get to know you"? It's crap, and unnecessary. We're in Finland. We don't have a problem with sex. Well okay okay, it's not as big of a problem here. We are somewhat equal which means women can make same decisions as men. I choose who I want to sleep with. I choose when I want to sleep with someone. I choose if I want to see that person ever again after that. Both genders can have casual sex.

So why lie about wanting love when you really want sex? It's unnecessary because there are plenty of women who wants the same thing. But what they want more is honesty. Here's an example that I think shows what the problem is. You can clearly tell where my interest stops like it hit a wall. Though credit to this guy, he was somewhat honest what he was looking for. I just think there should be something else in their heads too. (I have chopped some parts out because they reveal personal things, but this conversation was had within the same hour.)

Don't you just love the question if I was scared? It tickled my old bones in a way that I can't even describe! Because of course being scared is the first reason not to go on a date with someone. Also he didn't tell much about himself but wanted to know personal details about me. If that's not a clear warning sign, I don't know what is.

I think it's important to tell about yourself more than just vague stuff. Like I tell that I work in a museum because I think it tells something about me. But no way am I going to tell first up in what museum I work in. I don't like stalkers and I definitely don't collect them. Though I did just get a closet enough for few skeletons so maybe I should consider it.

The rules listed in the guide are: 1. Be literate. 2. Avoid physical compliments. 3. Use an unusual greeting. 4. Bring up specific interests. And so on. These are tips for how to better get a respond from a potential chatting partner. I don't know about others but I myself am quite bored of having the same conversation of hi's, whats up's and cool story bro's. When I was in England so many people asked me why I was there that I got a bit fed up with it and now I try not to ask it from foreign people. I bet they've already been asked that before.

I don't mind if people are not super literate in their messages but if they have buttloads of spelling mistakes in their profile tells me that they just don't care. My profile picture is showing pretty much half of my face or something along those lines, which is why I hate the physical compliments even more. You haven't seen me, you haven't met me, how on earth would you know if I'm pretty or beautiful or face full of tenderness (wtf is that even?). I probably just have a good picture. Like most women do. We tend to care what we look like on a dating site. Because we want to get dates. So we pick the best pic. Not everyone is so careful though and here's an example of one guy. This is partly because of the language barrier but it's also a lazy profile. Hilarious in its lazyness though.

He's so romantic that one thing he couldn't do without is his mother. Sometimes I wonder if it's (again) a cultural thing, maybe we understand the word romantic differently. Maybe to some people being romantic is being sexual or sexy. Maybe the fairytales about knights and princesses and castles haven't reached all places, maybe the western rom-com idealism hasn't poisoned everyones mind just yet. Or maybe some people just don't know how to use a dictionary.

Anyways, maybe this was enough bashing of those poor blokes who are out there just trying to find love, even for a one brief moment. They will not stop until they have gotten that brief moment, and then you'll never hear from them again. Seriously, don't insult my intelligence by telling me things that are clearly not true. Nor fool me to believe something that is a lie and hurt my pride with it, because it's not necessary. This is Finland, land of loose and intelligent  women.

Damn, it happened again. I was supposed to write about something totally different but I guess this is what came out. Let's have a song of the day while we wait for another time when I write about what I was gonna originally. Better make it a long song...

I wanted the song to be Indiscriminate murder is counter productive by Machinae Supremacy but unfortunately blogger doesn't want to link it here, so let's keep it casual instead and link something funny like She said OK by Big Boi and friends. Nope, that doesn't work either so how about an old fashioned link to both of them. Be a Finnish woman and choose for yourself!

Indiscriminate murder is counter productive: https://youtu.be/QeXpYee5UhM
She said OK: https://youtu.be/us0OtBFyY_M

I think Blogger is slowly telling me that it's not interested and that I should move on to the modern world of vlogs. Anyone have a good video editing program in mind? Or where to stream, does it cost? Is there a difference between podcasts and vlogs? I'm so out of date with this stuff. I guess that's what I get from being old with a young mind :)

Btw. while writing this blog I got a message saying "You are so stunningly beautiful.". I shrugged and kept writing. Because what the hell should I answer to that?

Thanks? Good to see you had a period in the end of that sentence?

Compliments on physical beauty just don't work. And my personal pet peeve is a question without a question mark.

How are you. What's up. How're you doing. How's your day. Wanna meet up. You think I should cut off my fingers for sending this kind of rubbish to people. Question mark.

Another brick on the wall

Yesterday at work we talked about how us Finns are so neurotic for being right. If we can't do a good job, we don't do it at all. That's why we shy from talking other languages. Almost everyone in Finland knows some other language enough to at least survive with it. If a group of random Finns were thrown to a place and country unknown to them, they could be home in no time, because one of them can communicate in French, one in German, one in Russian, one can read Greek alphabet and one has roots in Middle-East and remembers some Arabic. And of course they all speak both Swedish and English. But they won't, since they can't use the language because they don't do it perfectly. We do nothing half-assed, we won't even live the life we're handed because we might mess it up. So better keep the expectations low.

I've been thinking about expectations a lot lately. I think in some way the time in England freed me. For the past few years I've battled more and more between who I am and who I should be in the sight of my friends, society, destiny... I've been in a glass cage of knowing people want something of me. They want me to be something. And I've found out that is a lie. Or if they do want me to be something, it's something totally different than I thought. My teenage years have screwed me over big time and I've been trying to fix it ever since. Being in a foreign country with people who don't know me was a huge step closer in accepting that people likes me for who I am. And they actually likes the real me a lot more than the fake me. I don't know why it is so hard to accept that I'm not perfect as a person, but I can still be a pretty cool gal.

I have fought against the artist in me. In a way I've thought the time has passed and I'm too late. I will never become anything. But I never wanted to be a Hollywood star. And time is a bonus for a thinker. The older you are, the more you've had time to think. And maybe in the end you can make something sensible out from all of it. I've tried to look like everyone else so I won't be recognised as "one of those people". You know, those people who lives inside their heads. Those people that are not really here. Those people who have lots of colors and flowers and pictures of kittens in their clothes. And hats. Preferably huge hats. I've been so afraid of getting that stamp on my forehead that I have chained myself to the ground thinking that flying is forbidden. That people will judge me and shun me from their society if I dare to be what I am. And all this time I could have been reaching for the stars. For example if I had committed to painting or writing, I wouldn't be Picasso or Shakespeare, but I could be pretty good because of all the practicing. Maybe I had published a book. Or held a little show in an art gallery. No more excuses, it's time to start flying.

I don't know why we think we know what other people think. Especially what they think about us. Why do we assume so many things without asking, without hearing the answer. Just believing something is not worth as much as the truth, as we Finns would say. When I was a teenager they said not to believe everything you hear, or not to believe everything they say, but why didn't anyone say don't believe what they think either.

I'm not saying I would be a famous artist if I hadn't wasted time with not being myself, but I might be happy now. I fought the wrong battles and thinking they would improve me, they made me more miserable. I'm that kind of a person who will never find peace, the inner struggle is too strong. But maybe I can find passing moments of serenity and over-all happiness. Especially if I don't waste time looking back how much time I've wasted. Maybe in a couple of decades when my friends are getting old and worried, I'll be drinking from the fountain of youth, thinking I've "found the truth inside after all the tears I've cried". In an old poem I wrote "I didn't know, by selling my soul, I couldn't grow old, nobody told" but I got that wrong. Selling my soul made me ancient, and when I got released from my contract I got young again.

Did that make any sense or was I unsuccesful bringing my thoughts from the clouds to the general area? I'll try to make more sense from now on: The other day my friend asked if I was interested to go on a boat trip to Croatia this summer. Hell yeah I'm interested! What could be more fun than laying in the sun for a week and swim in the crystal clear ocean? And then I heard who else is going and suddenly I came up with dozen of other things I could do with the money. Here's the list:

I could go fix my teeth so they would be straight. I don't know why they didn't fix them at the dentist when I was young. Maybe they weren't crooked enough. It's an expensive and long process, but one trip could cover the costs. And then I could actually have my teeth "lined up like a pearl necklace" as my last dentist lied to me.

I could finally get a hair extention. For long I've been dreaming of long, long, looooong hair. I like my short hair and sometimes I wonder if I should keep shaving it off because it's so much easier to upkeep that way, but a long beautiful hair would be a whole different story.

I could almost get a driver's license with that money. Not entirely but a lot of it anyway. I don't have a car and I don't know why would I need a license, but that's still something I could do. Or I could learn how to ride a motorcycle. I could buy a scooter and wroom wroom around the town. Okay, a used scooter, but a scooter nontheless. Though the public transportation is so good here that I wouldn't really need it. So maybe not useful but it could still be fun.

I could go to a spa and have all kinds of treatments. I could travel to England and Denmark to meet all of my friends. I could travel somewhere else. I was just last summer in Croatia and I want to see as many countries I can while on this earth.

I could furnish my apartment as I wish. I could buy painting equipment and turn my studio into a studio. I could get a canvas covering a whole wall and just paint all my troubles away.

I could pimp my computer. Buy gadgets. I could buy 20 pairs of quality leggings with that money. I could buy, buy, buy, but I already have so much stu... crap. I would rather get rid of it than get more. And experiences are worth more than any amount of money.

I could go to a concert or two, go on a party cruise here, travel in Finland meeting friends and relatives. I could have a proper vacation for a change and do absolutely nothing.

I could save up for a rainy day.

I could donate the money to a charity and solve all world's problems with it. Or I could go do volunteer work abroad and buy the plane tickets with that money.

I could hire a personal trainer and get fit. Or I could take dance classes. Or take singing lessons.

I could get a tattoo. I've been dreaming of a big and painful one

But the one thing I want the most is not something I can buy. One thing I want more than travel is to find love. We speak about finding love, but is love really hiding somewhere? Or is it all around us but we just don't see it. Love is blind, they say, but I think we as people are more blind...

---

...and that's where I stopped writing a month ago. I was supposed write it later but then I got new ideas and I couldn't write more posts until this one was finished and I didn't have the inspiration for this one anymore. So I never finished this and never will. I will probably one day post something about the thing I was gonna write but now I have to post this before the blog gets so cold it can freeze hell.

Here's the song of the day. I heard it in Elementary and liked it. It's not connected to anything, but it's a good song and I want you to like it too. And how can you like a song, if you've never heard it?

The balls of a woman were mine

The thing with successful blogging is consistency and I don't really have it. Also my keyboard is sticky even after cleaning it so writing hasn't been a priority lately. I've been scheming with three different topics but haven't come to any conclusion on what should I write. So I will write about all of those three. In one post. Bare with me. And hopefully this will make up for the long silence.

I've worn only few different perfumes in my life. I started with vanilla, changed it to the smell of fresh seawind, then I got a bottle of Chanel and I haven't looked back since. Until few weeks ago I bought some cosmetics and the clerk gave me a sample of a new perfume. I tried it and it smelled nice so I wore it one day. It felt so weird to smell like something else, like I was someone else. It's not so odd changing shampoo, I don't have to smell like kids chewing gum all the time, but when the strongest fragrance is different than I'm used to, I keep hearing in my head the lyrics of a song "the scent of a woman was not mine".

When I was still in England, I was kinda bored at some point. I already knew at that point I was coming back home soon so I decided to see the meat market in Finland and I changed my location in Tinder to home. I found this funny guy and he found me. We chatted for three weeks before I finally landed in the same country. We met the very next day I had arrived which was a bit weird because I was crashing at my ex's couch the first week. I got keys to my new apartment in the beginning of February but because of many reasons, I wanted to come home sooner. England was not kind to me.

The first date went well and so did many after that. When we didn't have time to meet and the days passed, it felt hard and we both missed each other. Or so he said. One day little less than a month into dating I had been sick and we finally met on a Sunday. He was a bit cranky but nothing serious. The next day he sent me a message in the morning that maybe it's not wise for us to meet that day since he needs time to think things over. Later that day he sent me another message asking if I was at home. I said I was and he asked if he could call me. Oh fuck here it comes, was my initial thought and I was right. He started the phone call by "I don't wanna do this over the phone, but...". He lives 20 minutes away and he decided to dump me on the phone.

That phone call didn't last long, mostly because my phone decided I didn't want to hear what he had to say. After he couldn't hear me, but I could hear him, I sent him a message saying that he shouldn't call me back because there's nothing more to say. If he's just not that into me, then he isn't. Not much I can do or say to change his mind. I know I'm great and if he didn't see him, it's sad but not fixable. My girlfriends thought it was ball-less to dump me over the phone, but I reduced his sentence by giving him credit for saying it straight. At least he had the guts to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. I've never been really dumped before and I appreciate this experience as well as other ones in my life. Now I know how it's like. I should've talked with him more than "We're too different" because now I'm obsessing about what went wrong, did I do something and such. I guess that's given with all break-ups.

I don't think we were too different, but I guess he was looking for something else. And he did have balls, I can vouch for that. I saw them, and they felt nice. The only problem I really had was the way he commented his... well, the thing right next to the balls. It wasn't huge, yes. But he knew how to work it and I'm going to miss being naked with him. But I miss being naked with many other guys too so I think I can live with this longing. It's reassuring to know there really is good sex out there and it's not just a myth or imagination.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how we are so worried when we're young about the first time we're gonna have sex. We're worried about losing our virginity and we still wonder how the first time affects our lives. We spend a lot of time thinking about our old mistakes and regretting bad sex we've had. But how often do we stop to think when is going to be our last time we have it. What if you died to day, how was your last time? What is going to be your final fuck? If I died right now, I could go knocking on the gates of heaven (or maybe it would be hell) happy about the fact that my final fuck was worth to remember for at least few first decades of eternity.

I was supposed to round up a collage of pictures for all the smoochies out there for valentine's day but I was too busy dating. Now I regret that the time passed and I have so many of them saved and I missed my chance. If I'm still writing a blog next year, the collection will be huge so you better start preparing for it already. Someone once said that my blog is hard to read with all the quotes in between, but I like them and I'm not going to change it. Though I was thinking of doing a vlog instead of blog at least once. Right now my new place is not properly staged for that so it has to wait until I'm fin(n)ished furnishing.

Just few weeks I was complaining to my friends that I have too much free time in my hands and that I should maybe get a hobby. Today was my only day off from work and I spent it by stopping by the university in three offices and checking my emails at home. I ended up putting post-it's on my wall so I can remember all the things I should do. It's busy at work and I have four essays to write before summer. Plus all the other things like going to museums, theatre, parties, to see standup... After being dumped I found myself in a weird situation that there's nothing going on in my lovelife. I don't like anyone and I'm not even really interested in anyone. Which is a good thing, because I don't have time for any of that love-crap! Who has time for dating when there's work (that I love to do), studying (that I love to learn) and fixing up my (new fabulous bachelorette) pad. It's about time I focus on myself, and mr. Small-balls gave me the opportunity to do so and I thank him for that.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not desperate enough for dating. I don't appreciate everything and the older I get the harder it gets to change for someone else. I might sleep with people, but I don't spend the night with them. And I think that bothers some of the people I've been dating in the past couple of years. I like the way I do things, and of course that is the right way to do things. I'm set in my ways and I'm not so keen on having just anyone in my life to make compromises. I think that's why the getting dumped part hurt me this much because I was slowly getting ready to give in, maybe quit smoking and sleep over and such.

I once chatted with this israeli guy over the wonderful world of internet, and he was sure we should be together. He was like a decade younger than I am and we were in different countries. As tempting the idea was, it was also ludicrous. He was talking about moving to where I am just after few weeks of chatting and never meeting me in person and that reeks desperation. I am willing to make sacrifices and maybe for some guy I would be willing to move to another country, but not that easily. For the perfect guy I would be willing to overlook weird stuff and give up some of my weirdness, but that guy hasn't yet walked past me. Or maybe he has and I have been too busy with the wrong guy, who knows. Over all it's a whole mess. And despite the whole mess, I'm still happier than ever. I think for me happiness is being productive, helpful and needed. And life is offering so much of that right now. Thankfully.

Table of contents

So far I have published 101 posts and I thought it might be nice to have some kind of summary about them all. I also have things to add to those posts so I'm gonna use this wasted space for that.

• The First Morning is about how it all started on September 2013. My first post is actually even a year older because I started this blog to translate my old Finnish posts to English. Mainly to get more views, greedy as I am. The blog was going to be about World of Warcraft but as we all know now that ship has sailed long ago.

• Dawn Rises at the Battlefront is about my shampoo and the social contract. Don't worry, these two things has nothing to do with each other.

• Mondays is about my most memorable moments in WoW. Feels kinda redundant now that I've cancelled my game time and gonna take a long (deserved) break from the game.

• Something Concrete is unfortunately not about construction work but the first post to my knotted love life. It's the foundation of my future posts by explaining how the game "is it better" goes.

• About Pet Battle is about WoW and the Pokémon-like game inside it. To this I would like to add that it's a good way to fulfil your collectors needs while getting exp at the same time.

• On a More Serious Matter is about slavery and fur farming. Very grim, I'd say. Fur farming is still legal in Finland today and the conditions for the animals are not better.

• The Faire of the Dark Moon is basically a short summary of what I think is wrong in the world. I'm such a drag and not enough queen. Unlike the headline would suggest, it's not about WoW.

• Bugs and Booms is about WoW and was relevant two and a half years ago.

• Shoop Shoop is about how to recognise if a chick is into a guy in real life or in virtual worlds.

• A Shadow is my suggestion who to cast for a role of a gnome in a WoW movie and why different heights are weird to me.

• From Open Window You Can Hear Music is about music and I think the songs I've linked there are Hooverphonic's "Mad about you" and Awolnations's "Sail". When enough time passes, the links don't work anymore because of copyrights and YouTube deleting those which violates them.

• Top Five Songs is about WoW related songs. Weirdly all those links still works.

• Let Me Sing You the Song of My People is about how I became a guildleader. Quite bittersweet now that I've ended my reign of terror and left Kazz in charge. Letting go of my beloved guild was a difficult thought but weirdly easy when it happened.

• The Age of Innocence is the first time I announce that all that s/he stuff is crap and from that moment on I've usually just used "he" even though I mean either gender. The post is about virtual connection, touching and listening.

• Damn Starks Always Right Is about winter, troubles with health and quitting smoking. Unfortunately my few years of none smoking was gruesomely ended not long after my relationship had as well. So now I'm the weirdo at work who's the only one taking smoke breaks.

• Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the NO! is about Christmas and dreaming.

• In the End, Does It Even Matter? is about getting advice and giving them. It's about caring and almost like a new years resolution. It was a nice trip to memory lane for me to read this and be reminded how I felt just a year and a half ago.

• Storytime! is my favorite (not)kids story about a monster that eats yesterdays.

• 50 Shades Of Carl is about agreeing, disagreeing and arguments (with Bresh, that poor bastard has had to bare so many conversations about ethics) and it's about moral grey areas.

• Content Ever After is about the list of what we (me) want out of a relationship and how hard it is to find someone to match those lists with. After a year and a half I still wonder about the happily ever after and would it be better to know if it's not going to happen to me.

• Not For Thin Skinned is about circumcision.

• If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It is about a dream and being passionate.

• Alone In the Dark is about virtual connection in public places.

• Kids, This Is a Story of How I Didn't Meet Your Father is about dating and how sweet gestures are creepy if both are not as interested in each other. The song of that day was Bill Withers' "Just the two of us".

• I'm No Wise Man, but I Know a Few is a collection of inspirational quotes.

• Sha La Lala La is about the upcoming new year and the song of the day was "Kiss the Girl" from Little Mermaid.

• Captains Log, Day 1 is about the social games we play and how to deal with them.

• Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall is about different types of personalities in one person. It's the first time I call myself a mix of the beast and Belle: Beastelle.

• Sweet Dreams is about sleeping and dreaming.

• Risky Business is about dicks and the sizes of them. The song of the day was Lily Allen's "Not Fair".

• Starter is about the starter account on WoW.

• Once I Had a Heart is about shattering pain.

• Selfish Selfish is about a certain new year's resolution to not stick my nose into other people's business' and about probing people mentally.

• How Can We Be Friends? is about can guys and gals be friends through a personal story.

• Love Sees No Color is about the ideal partner and how it fits reality. The songs of the day were Pet Shop Boys' "You Choose" and Celine Dion's "It's all coming back to me now".

• Not So Simple is about guildies, friendship and what makes a relationship something more than a friendship.

• Fear and Loathing is about a big bad wolf called Russia and the fear we have towards it.

• The Stone I Carved My Heart Into is about being bored. Very boring post to be honest.

• It's Bitter but the Fruit is Sweet starts badly with whining but ends in good point about patience being the answer to desperation. The song of the day was Dreamgirls' "Patience".

• A Boy Who Wanted to Be a Real Puppet is about how much weight we put on penetration and why geeks don't have dates. The song of the day was "I'll make a man out of you" from Mulan. Pretty solid post, me thinks.

• The Things We Say for Love is about the worst encounters I've had on dating sites. The app I mentioned turned out to be Tinder and I was positively surprised how well it worked. But then again just last week some dude wanted to know if I liked doggystyle and when I didn't answer I got messages:

"Don't you like doggy?"

"???"

"Hello"

"At least answer". 

Nope. Ain't gonna. Sorry, brah.

• The Big Blue is my ode to a rare in WoW. Beautiful poem. Reading it makes me tear up.

• Desert Island is about being stranded on a deserted island. Kinda.

• Monsters Inc. is when it hit me that I'm the problem. Songs of the day were "Tomorrow" from the movie Annie and Becky G's "Problem".

• Unchain My Heart is about feeling good with the years I've spent on this planet and what I'm looking for on my travels. Song of the day was Titiyo's "Come along".

• The Eternal Waiter is about the metal music in my life and the struggle to just wait things to happen. Songs of the day were Entwine's "Falling apart" and Ensiferum's "Eternal Wait".

• This Ain't Your Fairytale is about how hard it is to talk about love.

• Happy, Happy, Happy..? is about what songs can make us feel. The songs of that post were Pharrell Williams' "Happy" and Louis Armstrong's "What a wonderful world". The post is also about the difference of being truly happy or being just comfortable.

• A Little Name Calling is about sextourettes and the fuckprotective law. Songs of the day were Oily Murs "Dear Darlin'", David Guetta ft. Akon's "Sexy Bitch" and Dylan from Modern Family singing "Imagine me naked".

• You Wouldn't Download 1001 Nights is about virtual connection and how it's nice to be able to like people who are obnoxious irl since you can't see their bad habits or smell their unbrushed breath. Gives me a chance to have friends too! (kidding)

• Like Sand Through Hourglass, So Are the Days of Our Lives is about how getting old sucks because it feels like time is running out. It's also about having children but what kind of mom would make the song of the day to be Children of Bodom's "Mask of sanity"...

• Sounds of Music is about lyrics.

• Curriculum Vitae is about how my life would look like if it was a life application (compare to job application). It's about regret and shame and how one should overcome all that.

• Pet the Bones is about considering wether we truly are infatuated by a certain someone or are we just looking for something that would look good on us. Songs of the day were Jewel's "You were meant for me" and Carole King's "It's too late".

• What Women Want is about a theory of senses that you can use to entice the opposite sex with. The post is written with a spoonful of tongue in cheek.

• Dictures is about dick pics. How nothing is sexual until we make it sexual and that applies to willies too. The song of the day was Lonely Island's "Dick in a box". Once I got a dickie from a guy I didn't know and judging the surroundings I was worried that he might be underaged. I don't want anything to do with childpornography so if you're young, please don't send me a dong shot. Wait a few years, they will be appreciated when you dick is legal.

• The Price of Love is about life after love and questions about the price of it. Songs of the day were White Lies' "Price of love" and Hurriganes' "I will stay". I recommend checking out the comments section also, it got interesting.

• Vial of the Sands is a WoW related post on the mats one needs to acquire the Sandstone drake.

• After You is about... I don't even know. I have to read this first. Hold on a second... I usually remember from the topic what I've been babbling about... Oh! It's about funeral arrangements. What a happy subject indeed. Songs of the mourn were Nick Cave's "Into my arms" and Hammerfall's "Remember yesterday".

• Say My Name is about names and what trouble forgetting them can cause you. Funny story. The example I'm giving there about forgetting your partners name... that happened to me. Songs of the day were Destiny's Child's "Say my name" and Paul Simon's "You can call me Al".

• Second-handed is about an interesting documentary I saw about virginity. It's a bunch of questions that should be read slowly and thoughtfully. The song of the day was Nightwish's "She is my sin".

• Does Age Really Matter? is about how we see the teenage years a modern bootcamp where the rookies can be ridiculed.

• Propaganda is about what I know about the war in Israel and about propaganda. The song of the day was conveniantly "Propaganda" from the game Beyond good and evil.

• Burn is about daydreaming and lighting a fire in you because of someone wrong for you. There's also a poem that's actually not half bad, now that I read it a year later. Song of the day was Ellie Goulding's "Burn".

• Wut Is Luv is about making a difference between love and obsession. It's about daydreaming, then getting mad, mad at yourself, then at him, then the whole world and finally you decide to forget the whole thing.

• Cheesy is about what if's and is it better's. It's about hearing the perfect things from the wrong person. It's about love. And the comment section is interesting also. Song of the day was Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn".

• Wut Is Luv, pt. 2 is the continuation of my thought process about love. It starts as I would have totally different opinion about the matter than last time, but if the reader is patient enough the ending will explain what I mean. Song of the day was "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat.

• Better to Whisk than Wither is a motivational post about taking control of your own life. The songs of the day were James Brown's "This is a mans world" and Gotye ft. Kimbra's "Somebody that I used to know".

• Love, Lust, Desire is about want, love and sex. As always when I write about sex, I distance myself from it by not telling too much about what happens in my own bedroom. I should probably take my own advice and talk about sexuality even more openly, and hope that the rest will follow. Song of the day was Lullacry's "Love, lust, desire".

• Who's Next? is about bullying in general and what's left outside the public conversation. The song of the day was Manic Street Preacher's "If you tolerate this your children will be next".

• Wordplay is about spooning and boners. Song of the day was Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty". Comment section might also teach you athing you didn't know. At least I did!

• The Silence of Noise is about being used to sounds outside and inside. There were two songs for that day, but I can't remember what the other one was and the link doesn't work anymore. The other one is Thomas Newman's song from the movie American Beauty.

• Let Me Paint You a Picture is a post with plenty of pictures and a rant about not being good enough for anyone. The song of the day was Hannah Montana's (or Miley Cyrus, if you will) "One in a million".

• The Stink is a short post about lyrics. The songs were Sonata Arctica's "Misery" and J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks".

• A Road to Lyrics is a post yet again about how meaningful lyrics can be. This time from the perspective of a Finn. Song of the day was Neljä Ruusua's "Tie ajatuksiin".

• I Like You but I Don't Love you is a post about my trip to Turkey and overall what makes me travel. Song of the day was Bobby Summer's "Jabba jabba".

• Love Is to Lay Yourself Open to Loss is about being afraid and the other side of fear. Not my best work, tbh.

• Lemme Marry You Pls is about everyone's right to marry. Songs of the day were Bruno Mars' "Marry you" and Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus".

• Wink Wonk is about flirting and crushes.

• Can I Crash and Burn on You? is about an upcoming blind date. We had a good 24h date and we never saw each other again. He ended up dating my friend for few months, but it turned out he wasn't a momma's boy but totally kept by his collar by his ex. And I never got that ice cream because we met so late that the place was already closed. It was a sign. Songs of the day were Boys town gang's "Can't take my eyes off you", Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just want to have fun" and Roxette's "Listen to your heart".

• Brains Over Boobs is a brief post about how hard dating is.

• What a Strange Ride... is about the songs that have carried me through year 2014. They were Polarkreis' "Allein allein", Weird Al Yankovic's "White and nerdy", Animals' "Don't let me be misunderstood", S.O.A.P's "Not like other girls", Disclosure's "You & me", Flynt Flossy, Yung Humma & Whatchyamacallit's "Treat me like a pirate", In this moment's "Big bad wolf" and Lady Gaga's "The edge of glory". It's also a new years resolution and I'm happy to say I have followed my own advice. Funny sidenote about the guy I "asked" out on a date. He is also one of those I've written about who has made socks spin in my feet for years and years. Right now I'm in a situation that I have to see him a lot and it's quite similar to torture. Not because I fancy him but because I can't be normal around him. No wonder he doesn't like me because he only sees a weird unnatural plastic cover walking around.

• Who's the Biggest Fool of Them All? is about depressing darkness and motivational quotes to carry one through tough times. Songs of the day were Miley Cyrus' "Two more lonely people" and Sturm und drang's "That's the way I am".

• I'm Fine. is about the biggest lie we keep repeating to others and to ourselves. Song of the day was Sentenced's "Excuse me while I kill myself".

• Non-hit Wonder is about hit songs we all probably know and listening to those uplifts spirit for some weird reason. Songs of the day were Daniel Powter's "Bad day", Eagle-Eye Cherry's "Save tonight", Lara Fabian's "I will love again", Sisqo's "Thong song" and I think the other two were White Town's "Your woman" and... umm... I think it was Kajagoogoo's "Too shy". Maybe.

• I Swear is about the rollercoaster of emotions I keep going through. Song of the day was Journey's "Don't stop believing".

• Dragonborn is about bad, bad Luci who eats geeks for breakfast. As you might know that happened to this guy two. It was short, it was sweet and at least we tried. Song of the day was Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call me maybe".

• Damn Smoochies is a Valentine's day extravaganza with ickylove and winkwonk pics. Song of the day was Ellie Goulding's "Love me like you do".

• I Know You is about the difference in what happens in out head and what we do. It's actually continuation to Dragonborn. And it's a shameless advert to follow my Pinterest walls. Song of the day was Skylar Grey's "I Know you".

• A Shitty Thing is probably the bravest thing I've ever done in my whole life and that is writing about my rumbling stomach. It's the reason I know so much about historical toilets. Personal interest and whatnot, ya know.

• My Life Is a Parody is about my favorite WoW related parody songs. I've wisely listed them in the post so even if the links don't work, they are still traceable.

• And Now We Wait is about writing an application and avoiding sentences everyone uses. Song of the day was from the musical Hair "Manchester".

• Vagina Monologue is about what the title says: lady parts. Mainly about periods. Song of the day was Shania Twain's "Man! I feel like a woman".

• Spoon List is how the story ended for the dragonborn and about regrets. Songs of the day were Kygo's "Stole the show" and Avicii's "Waiting for love". Have you noticed that the most viral songs of this summer have been quite depressing?

• Head-ass-trophy is about why I wanted to get rid of my hair. I actually didn't. It's still in a bag somewhere and I have no idea wether to throw it out or not. My boss said that my current hairstyle represents my personality, but I disagree. Of course I can be sassy but in the end I'm the lady in distress standing on a cliff with her hair waving in the ocean breeze. Song of the day was Skunk Anansie's "Weak". I said that you can touch it and I still agree with that. I tell you not to, but actually I'm totally okay with the head-pats.

• My Mind Is a Ghost Town is a poem that I'm very proud of. For once I feel like I nailed it. What I had in mind I was able to write down and even make it rhyme. Song of the day was Adam Lambert's "Ghost town".

• Paint It Black is my latest post. It's about the dangerous thing: thinking. And romance. Both as dangerous. Especially when combined. It's about how much we in modern society are affected with altered folk stories. Song of the day was Entwine's "Snow white suicide".

That's all my posts. I didn't put here the update posts because they are meaningless now. I appreciated the opportunity to correct some grammar here and there but to be honest, I couldn't be arsed in every post. It was a wild ride indeed filled with ups and downs but also with something concrete themes too. Let's see what the future will bring from now on. Thanks for reading!

Song of the day is this because after reading my own train of thoughts I kinda wanna... Set the world on fire.

I know you

If nothing else good came out of the movie Fifty Shades of Grey, the soundtrack is pretty good. I already linked one of the songs in my Valentine's day extravaganza without even noticing it was from the movie. I went to see the movie with Juju the other day (we're crazy like that, last time we couldn't decide what to see and ended up watching Prince of Persia - and liking it). I can't say the movie was good, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. It was mostly porn without genitalia so could've been worse.

Most of the songs in the soundtrack are melancholic. I find it strange that it hits me this well even though I'm not sorrowful. Listening to the song I linked above, I felt a strong feeling of wanting to make someone listen to it. That I wanted to say all that to someone. Until I realised I wanted to say it to myself. I have been patient but slowly I'm losing fate. Don't complicate it, don't let the past dictate.

I've never really been one of those people who thinks too much when it comes to jumping to opportunities. Lately I've been wondering if my emotional baggage has grown so big over the years that I can't let go anymore. The good thing is that whatever my thoughts are telling me, I still operate with full intentions like before. Jumping from a cliff head first seems to be implemented in me so strongly that it doesn't just randomly disappear. Right now I'm glad of that because I think I would've missed an opportunity. I have no idea where this leads yet but I sure as hell intent to find out. "All adventures in life start by showing up."

I wonder if other people get that feeling of being disconnected from the outer world, like you see from inside your skull... This might be the fever talking again. I don't know why am I sick yet again, but I think it has something to do with having a huge stress ball of life and when that loosened up a bit, of course I got sick.

This is my 93th post. I've been thinking of stopping when I hit round numbers. Because I've been writing this many times like a diary, I feel like things that might be better to stay inside my head are now out in the open for everyone to see. Before someone takes advantage of that it might be better to quit while ahead. But this is just a thought again, and since I'm the whimsical me, never know what's going to happen next. Also, I'm running out of inspirational quotes, which is weird because I have a whole wall of them pinned in Pinterest. If you need something thoughtful, you can find that wall under my wonderful alias Luci McPennyloo.

Non-hit wonder

Okay fine. I admit it. I live inside my head, in my thoughts. Mostly. Sometimes it's good to come out of there, but many times it's painful to rip myself out of my comfort zone that is my little world. I almost slammed a door to this guys face few weeks ago, shared some words with him and then on my way home from school I couldn't remember how he looked like anymore. I can have days without leaving the inner world of my own head and I might not be dragged out of there even if I'm in the presence of other people.

I'm probably going to be even more turned inside this spring and I'm afraid what will it do to the blog. If I don't have social porn to share (as in me and my super-interesting dating life), what will I write about? I know some of you won't mind more WoW -stories (Juju and I totally killed in BG's today, it was awesome!). There might be few people from the university reading so I could post stories about what I've learnt or what is wrong with our school system (the school where points are made up and the grades don't matter). I could spam posts with more inspirational quotes or jokes from the deep depths of interweb (why is it called a beauty sleep when I wake up looking like a troll?).

I don't know yet what the future posts will be but this time I thought I would entertain you with some music. I finally caught up with the present times and started using Spotify. I found interesting lists of one-hit-wonders and I'm gonna share the best bits I've found with you guys. Through my loyal friend, YouTube, ofc. Weirdly these songs fit well with my current mood.

Amazing music vids, believe you me.

This next one actually has a good video, I suggest to watch it.

This song is relevant in more than one way. I didn't want to link the official video, because it was too humorist and ruins the song. Have you noticed how many songs there are about the one last/only night?

Last but not least. Something that probably made Cher and Whitney Houston jealous. And look at her clothes... damn. I want what she's wearing.

I don't know if the last song is so relevant but it does make me feel better. I haven't lost love, I didn't get a chance for it. Though I don't know if I ever truly loved. Time fades the memories. And I don't think I've ever been loved, like truly, madly, deeply loved, either. One-sided love feels different, I assume, than both-sided love. I would "gladly" mourn if I had lost something true, but it's just "towards new disappointments" again and again. I don't know if I can stop hoping, but being constantly on a state of wishing and dreaming is exhausting, and I'd rather not keep doing that anymore. If something comes, then something comes. I will probably be hesitant to accept and/or believe it after all these years of having hopes and dreams not fulfilled. How can I expect anyone to love me when I'm not open to love someone myself? Sometimes I wonder if my past relationships have failed because I haven't really been capable of letting go of control. I should stop expecting of others and enjoy my own feelings. All that said, one day I will love again. And I will be loved back.

Bonus song:

A coverup

I'm a wizard with this blog. Such cool updates. Much new. Wow.

You wouldn't download 1001 nights

I saw this on Imgur (yes yes, I'm an imgurian, it's a lovely community). Moo pointed out that he would totally pirate a friend - and I would too. There are lots of internetian friends I've met IRL, some before I knew them online, some after. Some internetians I haven't yet met and some I probably never will. One person I've met inclined that we didn't really know each other because we've only spent time together for couple of days. That is to say that we've only seen each other for couple of days. But for me we've known for over a year since that's how long we've occasionally chatted.

This made me think at what point do we actually know each other? I've been told that psychologists have said you can know a person completely after 1001 nights. That's about three years. After that there shouldn't be any major surprises. With my last boyfriend, we were together almost six years and he still didn't know how I like my breakfast. I wonder why I kept hoping he would after the first few years. Silly me.

Annnyyways. The question is: Can we truly know each other if we've only met online? Do we need the "physical copy" to really know a person? I think it's a question that has to be approached from two sides. In the other hand you can't know another person without seeing how he (not doing the he/she crap) reacts, how he emotes, how he smiles with his eyes... But in the other hand you get a much closer look because you see what the other person is without all the physical awkwardness. You get a glimbse of the mind more through online interactions than from physical presence. There's no distractions from how the other person looks like, how he smells like, how he rubs his balls or burbs.

It is said that we have the opportunity to lie more easily on the interwebs but then again it is also said that it's easier to be open as well. It's much easier to tell a non-physical friend what's bothering you and since you have to tell how you feel because the other can't see if you're crying or not anyway, it's also easier to share inner thoughts just by writing them. You don't feel self-conscious about a bad hair day when you're online. Your online friends don't care about that, they care what's truly going on with your life. They care more about what goes through your head than what's on your head.

For example those who reads this blog knows much more about me than what I usually share with people. But then again, I'm an open book always. I might not tell if not asked, but if asked I'm brutally honest. I may have sextourettes, but I guess that is interesting to some people since the blog has over 2000 views. How cool is that!

I have a birthday coming up so stay tuned for some serious b-day anxiety. I can't promise you anything, but I'm pretty sure that will be the inevitable topic next time. Thank you all for reading my nonsense :)

Azerothian nights

I'm so excited! This blog has reached one thousand views! Most of them are probably just bots, but still I can't but feel so flattered and happy.

Thank you all for reading. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have writing it.

Special thanks to my most avid reader, Rennie. (but seriously, I don't write every day so no need to check that often, silly.)

I'm sorry it's been so little about WoW and so much about my personal life - but then again, who wouldn't like little social porn.

Update

Just couple more days and schools out for this year. And then I have time to actually write. Just couple more days... just couple more... *sleeps*