Stomach cramping. Palms sweating. Maybe even some mom's spaghetti. Nervous. Sitting restlessly trying to peak behind the curtain. Wondering what kind of audience there is. This is the premier and there's no guarantees of another show. It's time. Stand up, walk tall. What ever you do, don't cry. Don't be so nervous. Walk out there. The curtains open, it's time for your monologue.
40 minutes in, the critic stops you. That's not good. Why? What? Heart pounds. It's because you cried. You should not have cried. But the critic almost cried too! Twice you saw tears in their eyes. Well, it's done now. The moment of truth. Did you pass on to the next level? Is there going to be a sequel or will the buzzer mark for all the X's?
You passed with flying colours. Why you didn't have to finish the whole hour monologue was because 40 minutes was enough. You will definitely continue with this path. They'll see you again next month. You leave the stage with a smile and a bow. First breath of fresh air makes you want to call all your loved ones...
...and tell them that you had your first ever mental health consultation.
But who would want to hear about that?
The point going to see a professional is to pour it on someone who is trained to handle someone else's pain and not to bother my friends who has their own problems. I always knew I was crazy but I wanted to know how crazy. It's a mystery because I've always been a high-functioning lunatic. My sense of duty has always exceeded my need to sleep the whole year, close the drapes and sit in darkness with songs about never loving again playing on the background. One of my friends once quoted Hemingway to me: "You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering." I've never thought myself brave.
Quite the opposite. Walking home alone at night is scary and I'm practising that. Getting yelled at in a public place is very scary. Either I don't have the guts to answer or maybe it's best not to answer so I don't get all worked up and hurt someone. Falling in love is scary. Trusting anyone is a nightmare. Trusting myself is even scarier. "I wonder how much of what weighs me down is not mine to carry."
The nurse I had an appointment with asked me three times if I've ever talked with a professional before. If anyone at school ever asked me if I needed to vent. If the place I worked when I had the long sick leave ever offered me to cope with such things. Nope, never had the pleasure. What would it help anyway? Talking won't make it go away. My life's been what it was and there's nothing that can change that. There's no band aid for scars.
There are three reasons I went this time. First because my friends have been telling me I should for a long time and because one of them said that my childhood experiences are not normal and basically grounds to be taken in custody. Secondly because as a student I get help for a very low price and because it's for once easy to ask for help. Thirdly because I still dream of having kids one day and I don't want to have them deal with my problems. Hopefully generations of pain will stop in me. And let the kids get their own traumas.
It was quite weird to go talk about the darkness when it's so bright right now. For a long time I haven't felt this optimistic about the future. I have as we Finns say "the buns well in the oven" (golden buns, not offspring). Gorgeous, huge, sweet buns that I made myself by just being myself. I love and feel loved. But maybe this is the best time to tackle the problems. The ego boost I've gotten at work and the field work and with the short summer love and everything, gets nicely balanced with talking about the most horrendous things ever happened to me.
There's not going to be applause, but there's a chance for peace, which is so much better.
I'm a bit scared of the process and I have a lot of school and work lined up for the autumn. Maybe it's a good thing to not have as much time for my friends than I would hope because once your brains have been set to one track, it might be hard to briefly visit other tracks.
And now my friend, while you're reading this and thinking "what the hell am I supposed to say to that?" or "can I like this or is that weird?", the answer is that you don't have to say anything. You can pretend you didn't read this. But I wanted to tell you. I needed to tell you, as I always need to. I want telling about mental health issues be the same as telling about carpal tunnels or rash in weird places. There's a time and place for all of those and no one wants to hear about them endlessly, but that shouldn't mean they're not normal things. Because that's what we all are. Normal. Even if we wanted or not.
The song of the day would have been Pain of Salvation's Ashes, but I think Blogger has make the rules what you can show from YouTube stricter again. Pffft.
I just had a conversation with a friend about stream of consciousness. If you write it down without editing, could it be a peek into your mind and train of thoughts? He sent me some memories of his travels that were basically just things after things without much description. And I could see them before my eyes. Sometimes we don't need the whole picture, we just need an imagination. And the ability to see with our inner eyes.
I felt bad being so lazy that one time when I posted just my notes. But now I think it might be better to not always explain everything and just let you think what you want out of things. Just now I saw a gif where supposedly a man with down syndrome kicked a little boy and the father of the child who had been further away, knocked the kicker down with a single punch. There's no right answers to that situation. Nothing rarely is black and white. My notes are usually about those things, I guess that's what makes the thoughts so interesting. Some of these I wrote down while I was blabbering for hours on the phone with a friend a while back, so I can't take full credit for all of them.
Responsibility is on the individual.
An intelligent person is not (automatically) a good person.
One can be shy towards other things than just people.
"I knew from the start that you'll break my heart."
Where is the line between feelings and sexual tension? What are the signs?
"You got wisdom to give but you trade it for youth."
He is so smart, it's sexy.
Not to be loved like in the songs, but to love someone so much that you want to sing about it.
"It's a sin. Everything I've ever done, everything I'll ever do, everywhere I'll ever be."
Haste is the enemy of love.
There is no future in the past.
You need someone that doesn't need you to fix them, but someone who needs you nonetheless.
Being happy or being content as a goal of life?
If there really is a hell, I'll be going there.
No judge, no jury, just an execution.
Why do geek guys like older girls? Is it because they think younger chicks only likes makeup and fashion and nothing "smart"?
Save the world by flashing.
There was one more, but that doesn't say much to anyonebecause it's just "flirting: give/take". Okay, I might have to explain at least the last one. The flashing thing I saw in a documentary about vulva (I watched a penis documentary too and I was happy to see that cosmetic surgery has taken steps forward since the last documentary I saw. It's still crazy as hell, but I can still appreciate innovations).
In the documentary there was a journalist who had dove in deep to the world and history of female body parts. She had come across an ancient story of a Greek goddess Demeter who was sad because her daughter was kidnapped. A woman named Baubo then told her some lewd jokes and finally flashed her. That made the goddess laugh which was a good thing because her being sad made the world stay in a state of winter and all that. Apparently the goddess was raped trying to find her daughter who was imprisoned by Hades and probably raped as well. Greek mythology, always so cheerful.
Anyway, the world would be a better place if people laughed more. I'm pretty sure if us girls started to flash to people, it would be hilarious. So inappropriate as well, but nevertheless hilarious. Save the world by mooning your front side will become one of my mottos. Also I think if we saw genitalia in non-sexual situations more often, a world would be a better place. You can read more about goddess Demeter for example here.
The song of the day is Ramalama (bang bang) by Róisín Murphy. This time on Vimeo because someone had made an amazingly crazy video for it. Link here: https://vimeo.com/59360041
Yesterday at work we talked about how us Finns are so neurotic for being right. If we can't do a good job, we don't do it at all. That's why we shy from talking other languages. Almost everyone in Finland knows some other language enough to at least survive with it. If a group of random Finns were thrown to a place and country unknown to them, they could be home in no time, because one of them can communicate in French, one in German, one in Russian, one can read Greek alphabet and one has roots in Middle-East and remembers some Arabic. And of course they all speak both Swedish and English. But they won't, since they can't use the language because they don't do it perfectly. We do nothing half-assed, we won't even live the life we're handed because we might mess it up. So better keep the expectations low.
I've been thinking about expectations a lot lately. I think in some way the time in England freed me. For the past few years I've battled more and more between who I am and who I should be in the sight of my friends, society, destiny... I've been in a glass cage of knowing people want something of me. They want me to be something. And I've found out that is a lie. Or if they do want me to be something, it's something totally different than I thought. My teenage years have screwed me over big time and I've been trying to fix it ever since. Being in a foreign country with people who don't know me was a huge step closer in accepting that people likes me for who I am. And they actually likes the real me a lot more than the fake me. I don't know why it is so hard to accept that I'm not perfect as a person, but I can still be a pretty cool gal.
I have fought against the artist in me. In a way I've thought the time has passed and I'm too late. I will never become anything. But I never wanted to be a Hollywood star. And time is a bonus for a thinker. The older you are, the more you've had time to think. And maybe in the end you can make something sensible out from all of it. I've tried to look like everyone else so I won't be recognised as "one of those people". You know, those people who lives inside their heads. Those people that are not really here. Those people who have lots of colors and flowers and pictures of kittens in their clothes. And hats. Preferably huge hats. I've been so afraid of getting that stamp on my forehead that I have chained myself to the ground thinking that flying is forbidden. That people will judge me and shun me from their society if I dare to be what I am. And all this time I could have been reaching for the stars. For example if I had committed to painting or writing, I wouldn't be Picasso or Shakespeare, but I could be pretty good because of all the practicing. Maybe I had published a book. Or held a little show in an art gallery. No more excuses, it's time to start flying.
I don't know why we think we know what other people think. Especially what they think about us. Why do we assume so many things without asking, without hearing the answer. Just believing something is not worth as much as the truth, as we Finns would say. When I was a teenager they said not to believe everything you hear, or not to believe everything they say, but why didn't anyone say don't believe what they think either.
I'm not saying I would be a famous artist if I hadn't wasted time with not being myself, but I might be happy now. I fought the wrong battles and thinking they would improve me, they made me more miserable. I'm that kind of a person who will never find peace, the inner struggle is too strong. But maybe I can find passing moments of serenity and over-all happiness. Especially if I don't waste time looking back how much time I've wasted. Maybe in a couple of decades when my friends are getting old and worried, I'll be drinking from the fountain of youth, thinking I've "found the truth inside after all the tears I've cried". In an old poem I wrote "I didn't know, by selling my soul, I couldn't grow old, nobody told" but I got that wrong. Selling my soul made me ancient, and when I got released from my contract I got young again.
Did that make any sense or was I unsuccesful bringing my thoughts from the clouds to the general area? I'll try to make more sense from now on: The other day my friend asked if I was interested to go on a boat trip to Croatia this summer. Hell yeah I'm interested! What could be more fun than laying in the sun for a week and swim in the crystal clear ocean? And then I heard who else is going and suddenly I came up with dozen of other things I could do with the money. Here's the list:
I could go fix my teeth so they would be straight. I don't know why they didn't fix them at the dentist when I was young. Maybe they weren't crooked enough. It's an expensive and long process, but one trip could cover the costs. And then I could actually have my teeth "lined up like a pearl necklace" as my last dentist lied to me.
I could finally get a hair extention. For long I've been dreaming of long, long, looooong hair. I like my short hair and sometimes I wonder if I should keep shaving it off because it's so much easier to upkeep that way, but a long beautiful hair would be a whole different story.
I could almost get a driver's license with that money. Not entirely but a lot of it anyway. I don't have a car and I don't know why would I need a license, but that's still something I could do. Or I could learn how to ride a motorcycle. I could buy a scooter and wroom wroom around the town. Okay, a used scooter, but a scooter nontheless. Though the public transportation is so good here that I wouldn't really need it. So maybe not useful but it could still be fun.
I could go to a spa and have all kinds of treatments. I could travel to England and Denmark to meet all of my friends. I could travel somewhere else. I was just last summer in Croatia and I want to see as many countries I can while on this earth.
I could furnish my apartment as I wish. I could buy painting equipment and turn my studio into a studio. I could get a canvas covering a whole wall and just paint all my troubles away.
I could pimp my computer. Buy gadgets. I could buy 20 pairs of quality leggings with that money. I could buy, buy, buy, but I already have so much stu... crap. I would rather get rid of it than get more. And experiences are worth more than any amount of money.
I could go to a concert or two, go on a party cruise here, travel in Finland meeting friends and relatives. I could have a proper vacation for a change and do absolutely nothing.
I could save up for a rainy day.
I could donate the money to a charity and solve all world's problems with it. Or I could go do volunteer work abroad and buy the plane tickets with that money.
I could hire a personal trainer and get fit. Or I could take dance classes. Or take singing lessons.
I could get a tattoo. I've been dreaming of a big and painful one
But the one thing I want the most is not something I can buy. One thing I want more than travel is to find love. We speak about finding love, but is love really hiding somewhere? Or is it all around us but we just don't see it. Love is blind, they say, but I think we as people are more blind...
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...and that's where I stopped writing a month ago. I was supposed write it later but then I got new ideas and I couldn't write more posts until this one was finished and I didn't have the inspiration for this one anymore. So I never finished this and never will. I will probably one day post something about the thing I was gonna write but now I have to post this before the blog gets so cold it can freeze hell.
Here's the song of the day. I heard it in Elementary and liked it. It's not connected to anything, but it's a good song and I want you to like it too. And how can you like a song, if you've never heard it?
I've been so unbelievably homesick lately that I can't even. It doesn't help that I've had a headache the past three days, stressing for schoolwork and for going back home and ofc it's that time of the month. I took a pill for the headache, did some school stuff and bought some chocolate, so those things are covered, but there's not much I can do to homesickness. And add to that it's the independence day of Funland.
I miss home. I miss toilet doors that opens outside. I miss bus fares that are the same for any distance inside a certain region. I miss people automatically giving space to each other while walking on the street. I miss tap water that tastes good. I miss my own university and the level of education there. I miss familiar currency and familiar products at the store so I could do some kind of comparison without it taking forever. I miss knowing that I can speak my mind and knowing I have the words and the ability to explain what I mean without having to rush and leave things half way (I'm so much more witty in my native language). I miss knowing what's socially acceptable. But most of all I miss my friends and family. I miss being Finnish and not having to justify it to anyone.
It comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning. Tomorrow I'll probably be fine again and thinking that I don't ever want to go back home. So many things are good here and I love the freedom and anonymity that speaking a foreign language gives me. Though I easily swear in situations it's frowned upon, a thing that I would not do in Finnish. I'm having fun here and I love my new friends, they give me different kind of energy that I never thought I could have. I think I have already changed, but for the good and I'm somewhat scared to go back home. What if I fall back to my old ways? What if I don't fit in anymore? As if I ever fit in...
I've always been a bit more patriotic than the average friend of mine but being in a foreign country makes me appreciate my homeland in a very profound way. Clean water and clean air are amazing things. Forests and lakes. Our body-image. The bittersweet melancholy which gives space for happiness too. Free education, health care, dental. Electronic and technological advantages. The history we have. Ecological thinking. Equality and the sexual revolution. Honesty and politeness. The fact that we have a metal cover of so many songs and we have a metal band just for kids. There are so many things wrong in Finland but there are so many things right that it makes it the best country in the world.
I'm listening to Finnish songs and being all teary-eyed. We have a national anthem "Maamme -laulu" (our land's song) but we also had a great composer once, you might have heard of him, called Jean Sibelius who wrote the song Finlandia hymn. It was never meant to be sang but lyrics were made for it almost immediately and they're absolutely beautiful. This is that song performed by a choir and it was an ad for the presidential elections some time back.
The lyrics are touching, the song states that the day of Finland has finally arrived and the terror of the night has been driven away. It also says that Finland should hold its head high because it has shown the world that it has banished slavery and has not bend under oppression. Your morning has begun, Finland.
The times are tough in Finland like they are everywhere. Money is scarce and funding from cultural, educational and health care section are being pulled. There are a lot of worries about human rights, and immigrants and refugees. The discourse is loud - luckily. For both for and against, but at least we are talking about it. The best statement so far was made recently by a store chain with their ad:
The song is a classic and the lyrics gets new meanings with this ad and the people singing it. The lyrics goes something along these lines: He happened to be born innocent / to this northern and cold land / where already the ancestors drunk - of course / beat up their wives and children if they could catch them / the son wanted to escape from the traditional fate / "I won't ever buy an axe and I will never drink booze / or otherwise I will loose the house" / it drives a man in desperation / when the frost harvests the crops / from the middle of cold soil silently / a cold eye is staring / when the axe rises / in the middle of the mounds, from soil of the ground / proudly the fathers are watching their sons / unemployment, alcohol, an axe and the family / snow blanket, police and the last mistake... And so on. It's a very depressing song, but putting in this context it shows us that we're not different from the immigrants and the colour of your skin doesn't determinate that you can't have the same roots as I do.
Finland is traditionally seen as a white and blue country. White as snow, blue from the thousand lakes (or the coldness which makes us change colour from the captains of chalk ships to very unhealthy blueberries). The world is changing and so is Finland with it. I can only imagine the hardships those people go through who moves to Finland and I see it better every day now that I'm far away struggling myself with unfamiliar surroundings. Though I blend in in every Western country for being brown-haired and green-eyed, so one can't tell just by looking at me that I'm necessarily foreign. I've encountered enough cat-calling for being able to imagine what racism could be like, but I imagine it to be something much worse.
Today there's much more colour in Finland and that should be seen as a good thing. Learning about different cultures doesn't only teach us about the world, but it also makes us learn more about ourselves. Not looking beyond our own navel makes us narrow-minded in so many levels and thinking that our ways are the best makes us stand still. You are allowed to pick and choose the best for you and you are allowed to be yourself whatever that might be. It's not okay to break the law or not try living with the rules of the community, but as a person you should be what you are. It's hypocritical of us Finns to judge others when we consider being different a good thing. I know we bow to the Western culture and we want to be known and recognised but we still embrace our difference. Finnish culture wouldn't give up saunas even if rest of the world would criticise it. So why is it so hard to let others be what they want? Why do we think we're so superior and at the same time we have a huge inferiority complex.
Being away from home is hard. Many of my friends don't realise how much I would appreciate
hearing from them, talking to them in my mother tongue and just overall
being surrounded by familiar things even if it's through interwebs. I find solace in chatting with a friend who lives in a neighbouring country because I imagine he has gone through similar things as I have. He probably hasn't, but I like to relate even if it's just figure of my imagination. And he is one of the few people who pokes me from time to time asking me how it's going. I appreciate that. Though chatting with him is a bit dangerous - this is a person I've mentioned in the blog few times before and I would tell you guys the whole story if I didn't know he occasionally reads this. And on the note of men, I'd like to give an update on what's going on. But first a song to ease the transition.
I am tired of using technology and I need you right in front of me. Which means I'm quite tired of online dating. I miss feeling the rising tension of meeting your crush and I think online dating makes things too mechanical. I did have quite good experience just now: few so romantic dates that they are in my top5 along with the text message saying "the streets are flooding, can I call you?" and kissing at the airport right after meeting.
One of the best parts of him is that he has no idea how good looking he is. He told me that he has made some drastic changes in his life and he doesn't see how much good they've done for him. The worst part is that he has no space in his life and he doesn't realise how much that can affect another person. There's also cultural differences, me thinks, because as a Finn I appreciate punctuality a lot. I can be flexible but if you expect me to be that elastic outside the bedroom, it's not fun anymore.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in being friends first and dating later. Then you already know you're compatible and you know most of the things the other person does. With online or blind dating the connotation is always romantic or at least sexual first. There's some kind of touching of the skins before you really know the other person and then people rather do that than talk.
All the best -guy said the same thing as Dragonborn, and I think they're right. They both blamed me for attacking or pointing out the flaws in them. My friends have always told me I'm too judgemental and I guess that hasn't changed. I will think about this a lot and hopefully I'm able to change my ways because I don't want to be the person who keeps nagging. I think it has something to do with this:
But it's not just about romance. It's about everything. When I see greatness, I'm many times disappointed that the person doesn't see it himself and hasn't reached it yet. Perhaps pointing out the things would help them to realise those things and then help to reach them. It doesn't work like that, I know, and I have to stop doing that. This is why we need to date people that are compatible. Someone who knows you, knows what you mean when you do things, or say things, knows your tone of voice, knows the way you are and the way you act. Dating people blindly is tiresome; getting to know new people again and again in hopes that they will fulfil your hopes and dreams is exhausting.
At least I'm learning things about myself everyday. Both living abroad and dating are good ways to know more of who you are. I truly thank the people and the world for the feedback. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger . After few weeks when I go back home, I will be hard as a rock.
One more (Finnish!) song for the occasion. The lyrics say that you're finally starting to realise that you don't need permissions from anyone, that you're too beautiful to be ashamed and there's nothing to lose, so just let go, be beautiful, indecent and happy. That's truly what a strong independent Finnish woman should be.
There I was, minding my own business, doing my thang, playing with my paints and brushes as I sometimes do. I didn't even think about it much. I was painting the last pieces of furniture I had left into my favorite furniture-color = black, and chatting with my flatmate. But then she stopped my train of thoughts by asking why do I have the need to paint. She also suggested that there might be more to it because I'm painting things black. Every once in a while I get the deep need to change the way I live in a very literal sense. I move, I rearrange my furniture, I paint. I didn't have an answer for her, I don't know why I have the need to surround myself with black in the middle of the summer. And I can tell it's summer because I'm peeling skin off of my burned back as we speak. But it's not like I was baking or cleaning! Few days later I had done the dishes three times, cooked couple of times, vacuumed and washed the floors and whatnot. Oh crap, this was getting serious.
So I started to think and you all know how dangerous thinking is. All this obviously have something to do with worrying about a friend of mine who got bad news. I feel like I'm again left standing there helplessly because I have no idea what to do and I don't want to make the same mistakes as I have done with other friends when they've needed a friend. The only problem is that everyone has their own way of dealing with things so what I did wrong earlier might be the right thing to do now and vice versa. Still I'm determined to yell, hold out signs, scream and hug forcefully or whatever is needed to make sure that my friends know that I'm there for them and I think about them. And whenever they need, I'll be there to tell them that sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Though I'm well aware that there's nothing I can do if the other person doesn't want me to. Ask yourself when's the last time you called someone and said "I feel like shit, could you come over?". My final plan, if nothing else works, is to send nudes to this guy to get him occupied with other things than grief. Think that would work?
I think from time to time we all have the need to turn our gaze inside and just be with ourselves. And I don't necessarily mean a pain that paralyses you. It can be finding focus and motivation in you when the outside world gets too loud. (This is one of those times it's not wise ask me how I'm doing because you only get a long answer with metaphor filled sentences about drowning and falling and... well, just read on and you'll understand.) When I hide inside the dark end of my mind-cave, I think about love. It's my favorite subject. We live in society filled with Disney and romantic comedies, where it's emphasised that true love awaits. I'm glad I watched those because they thought me that there is something magical out there and I'm worth happiness no matter how quirky I am. On the other hand I regret ever watching any of those because time has passed and it still hasn't happened.
I watched How I Met Your Mother from start to the end finally. Watching shows like that always makes me wonder which character would I be. First I thought I'd be like Lily, a bad-ass who devotes her life to long-lasting love and friends. Then I thought I might be a softer version of Barney, awesome of course but a heart-breaker with a consciousness. But then came the episode where Ted asked an important question: "what's wrong with me?" and I realised that the most I resemble him. Fudge. How many times I've thought to myself what's wrong with me, why hasn't it happened? I'm back to the Beauty and the Beast -scenario thinking I'm the problem. But this time with a twist.
When I complained about my love life to Juju she pointed out that maybe my heart isn't open for love and I gotta say that thought has crossed my mind before. Maybe I've met the love of my life already but I somehow have blocked the gates to my heart and never even gave a real chance to that person. Maybe I'm already so broken that no amount of glue can patch up my shattered heart. Maybe the only thing open really is the candy store. I also think I'm spoiled by my past good relationships to have my hopes up high for the everyday life. But the fairy tales have taught me never to lose hope.
The problem with most of the TV shows and movies from my childhood to this point in life is that there's the happily ever after. Monica marries Chandler and even though they can't have kids, they adopt not just one kid but twins. It's implemented that Ted gets not one, but two love of his life and even Barney finds the true meaning of love. Booth dates Bones. Nanny marries Mr. Sheffield. That guy wasn't hit by a car after all. This chick woke up from coma. Even the freaking Donkey falls in love! And it's mutual! Same happens in the books on my shelf. Playing video games would've been much safer because the princess was always in another castle.
I don't know if I'll ever meet the One True Love, the Love Of My Life, the Knight In Shining Pink Armor. I believe in it less and less everyday but still I'm clinging on to some faint hope - I don't believe in it, but I hope it's true. Searching for it gets easier and worse at the same time. Dating is easier now than it was couple of years ago and I think I know more of what I want in a significant other. Also telling the other person that they are not that is easier now than it was before. Meaning that the words come out easier but it feels horrible every time a little more. Making a shatter in your heart or self-esteem or whatever it is that rejection wounds, makes a wound in me too. I never meant to hurt you. You were supposed to be the One. But you are not, I'm sorry.
They say girls shouldn't expect a prince if they are not princess' themselves, but I'm nothing but a princess. Think about it, semirough childhood, pretty when fixed up, whimsical and stubborn, good with animals, scared of the unknown but curious about it, romantic yet brave and old-fashioned. All I need is a weird sidekick. I even have an evil stepmother. So where the hell is my prince?!
You can read more about the evil "media" and "society" for example from Glamour
(Though I disagree with the cutlery aspect. I think it's more a lesson
of not judging a book or a candlestick by it's cover), from Brandeis (2 pages and even though I agree with the problem I think the solution could also be teaching kids media criticality), or from Michigan News (I don't watch The Bachelor, btw).
I might be known as the dick pic chick but I am just as curious about the other gender's genitals. The only difference is that I have a vagina and dicks are just a thing that visits between my legs. The waves of curiosity happened over a decade ago when it comes to female body parts. Why this is relevant now is not a long story but because I like my stories long, I will start with a side tour.
People react to stress and changes in their life differently. I myself notice differences in my body often when times are rough, but also when I'm sitting on a pink cloud. One psychologist once said in class that the reason why our tummies turn upside down by stress can be traced back to the deep dark seas of evolution. She said that monkeys empty their stomach when danger approaches. For example when a lion is prowling a monkey, the monkey dashes and simultaneously releases everything possible on the ground in hopes that the predator would slow down to sniff the pile of crap and the monkey could escape. Stress reflexes are a reaction to danger, so from now on when you are nervous about a job interview or an exam and your stomach starts to rumble, you can comfort yourself that even your ancestors had the same problem.
Lately I've thought a lot about periods. Mostly because I'm a week late and not pregnant (yes, I checked). Stress can do that to a person. Well, not for guys but you know what I mean. Hormones aren't really a stable thing in a human being so they can pretty much flip with your lifestyle. What you eat makes a difference and so does what you think. The more I think how late I am the more I know they will be late. Never have I ever been this late in my life.
Some women have very irregular cycle but my body has worked like a clock for years. Give or take a day or two they have come and gone as they should've. I use this one great app to keep track of my bodily functions and the app can usually predict my periods rigorously. You can only imagine the increasing panic when the days just go by and nothing comes out. What I've read in the interwebs I should call a doctor if another week goes by. Until then I keep biting my nails.
It is so unfair that this nasty thing keeps me waiting and what is more unfair is the happiness I will feel when they finally do start. It's kind of funny to be joyous of having pain and bleeding. Many times I've thought about how it would feel like to have a dingdong hanging down there but just lately I have started to think how to explain periods to someone who never had them. So let's start with facts.
Periods usually start when a girl is 10 to 15 years old and they last until the same girl is already a lady with a fine age of 45 to 50 years. This means thirty to forty years of bleeding roughly once a month. That's around 400 periods in one lifetime. Imagine that. That's 400 cups of blood and other more gross stuff. The amount of pain many women suffer cannot even be measured. Imagine you would drink gasoline every 20 to 35 days and then let it burn in you for 5 to 7 days. And then imagine you open your agenda or calendar or whatever you use for planning something in the future. Nope, you can't go to a beach vacation that time because you have to drink the gasoline. Oh look at that, your birthday and gasoline days are in the same day, what fun. Don't even think of babysitting those preschoolers that day, you know how agitated you get before the gasoline drinkin' time. Yes, your stomach is full of burning gasoline but that's no excuse to skip work so suck it up and get going! And you do this constantly. Daily.
And then there's the whole pads/tampons/mooncup thing. The cost of them and what to do with them. Is there a trash can somewhere, is it taken out frequently enough, when do I have time to boil this cup, has this tampon been there for how many hours or will I get TSS. And don't get me started on all the damn dogs who wants to sniff my crotch ffs.
Everything has two sides. So does periods. I can't explain the pain nor the nuisance of periods but at the same time I can't explain how good it feels when you're in pain and a warm purring cat lays on your tummy happily comforting you. I can't explain the feeling of knowing that I can bear children. My body is capable of making new humans into this world and because of that miracle I have periods.
But all the chicks already knew all that. Let's move on to the things you might not know. First of all, because the cycle is not 30 days to everyone and not every month has 30 days, periods don't always come on the same date. That doesn't mean they're late. Also that is a good reason to mark them down every time, not just for the crotch poking doctor who will ask about them. And if you're sexually active you are easily alarmed about pregnancy.
The biggest reason for missing periods is pregnancy. There are other reasons too. Stress, weight loss, weight gain, overweight, underweight (is that even a word?), hormonal contraception, violently exercising and so on. Apparently untreated celiac disease is one possibility too. Tumors and diseases can make them stop coming entirely. One weird month is okay they say, but if you skip two periods, really really go see a crotch poking doc.
Blood contains iron and because the blood is exiting your body, the iron goes with it. This means you can get anaemic which is why it's important to eat properly. If you're tired, pale and get sore muscles it might mean you have clotting problems in your blood and it's yet again time to go see the doc. There are lots of ways to reduce pain while on periods. Drinking lots of water can help with the pain as should regular pain medication. Moving around helps too. I remember once I woke up at six in the morning and was afraid I would wear out the rug for walking in circle for hours. But it did help #noregrets.
You can get pregnant during periods but it's very unlikely. They say there are no "safe days" and it's true. There are also no 100% guaranteed contraception. To reach 100%, I'm pretty sure you have to use at least two different methods. Maybe then it's one in the million and you know what Terry Pratchett says when the chance is one in the million...
I googled "periods late not pregnant" just now and got 32,400,000 results so it's safe to say I'm not alone with this problem. Though the professionals say that if you miss your periods, always assume you're pregnant first. It's like shoot first, ask later.
Easiest way to notice we're all individuals is ask them about their bodily functions. There are loads of similarities but no two of a kind. There are as many different types of dicks as there are guys and same goes for vaginas. Male circumcision can be a choice of beauty and there is a similar thing for women. Some (especially porn stars) have their labia surgically altered to match the beauty standards of society. This is yet again TMI but if I ever went through plastic surgery, that's probably the thing I would. But why, you ask, no one can even really ever see it. One day I will tell you, fine reader, but let's not be too personal after all.
Hopefully with this monologue I managed to tell something new about the beautiful female reproduction system to both genders without making anyone too grossed out.
Have you ever listened a happy upbeat song, felt like dancing and then started to listen to the lyrics and realised it might not be such a happy song after all. Like the song Happy I cannot listen to anymore because it's not really very happy song. Another example would be this:
It's not about "I have waited all my life for this moment and now I can finally marry the most beautiful woman in the whole world". Oh no. It's more like "damn chica, we're so wasted and I'm bored so let's hitch, pls, and regret it in the morning".
But at least it's heterosexual. The sanctity of marriage, and whatnot. Ya know...
I don't know if you've seen this pic yet.
Like few people in the social media has commented on this: we must be doing something right if we get this reaction.
Though we're not there yet. The legislation passed one vote and it is pretty surely gonna pass the whole thing, but I wouldn't jizz in my pants just yet. Registration of a relationship (what a bullshit term) has been legal in Finland for a while but now the people wants all sexualities to have same rights for marriage.
"What about the sanctity of marriage!", the christian cavemen yell. I don't really get that point. How will your marriage be less anything if other people can get married too. What does it matter what sex the other people are? It's not like food you distribute to all and it would taste the same to everyone. "I think your chocolate tastes bad and that's why my chocolate tastes bad too!" *rolls eyes* When asked why can't other than heterosexual couples get married one member of parliament said "Because they just can't". Waw, my goddaughter who hasn't even started school yet could argue better than you, sir. Your input to this country is indispensable.
"What about the children!" and this is a bit better argument. I'm pretty sure it's already proved that the children of gay couples have it good because they are mostly wanted children. "The kids will be bullied at school!", probably will yes. But don't you think we could make a change on how the kids view the world by showing them that it's o.k. to be different? If we accept, it would be easier to our children to accept too. This might take some casualties and that's why I think it's almost a valid concern towards the new legislation.
Bad people can get married. Good people can get married. My future (probably) heterosexual marriage won't be any less because someone else gets the basic human rights to love another people. To legally love their spouse and their children. Why is that too much to ask?
If there is a god, and that god is good, he/she has probably had something to do with different sexualities. The free will you were given was not to harm others but to spread the love. I can't believe that people who think a book is holy that's halfly about a man who did everything he could to break the social norms in order to spread the love to everywhere still somehow can say that the same book is against equal marriage rights. Haven't you learnt anything in the past, I don't know... two thousand years?!
Once again I was out of the country. This time I spent a week in Turkey with my close family. As a family we're just as feisty as we are as individuals so travelling with my siblings and my mother was a stressful thought. I guess we've grown a lot because we didn't have a single huge fight - a thing I was expecting to happen.
I think it's because like my flatmate said, we had a common enemy. The trip was poorly organised from the start and the guide/translator weren't very helpful. Yes, the trip was cheap and company was great but so many things we're so badly off that they almost ruined the trip.
It was a hassle from the beginning. The guy who answered the phone when I called to make the reservation didn't quite understand what I was saying. Maybe because I was speaking Finnish and he probably speaks Estonian as native language. When I got the paperwork via e-mail, I had to reply it several times to get them to correct the names. Then they sent the same papers over and over again but nothing really usable. I had to demand to get our travelling documents before they sent them. A thing I think should really be automatically made after the firm got payment. In the airport my family asked me where we should go, but I didn't know much else but that we weren't supposed to need any documents except our passports. Of course I had most of the papers with me because I didn't trust the "only passport" thing one bit. When we found the right gate we actually didn't need anything else but the passport which was a pleasant surprise.
Three and a half hours in the air plane can be tiresome, especially if one doesn't get anything to eat. Or to drink. On the way back they served coffee and tea free of charge, and maybe it would have included in the service on the way there too. But we didn't know about that.
We landed so late that we just went straight to the hotel in the bus that we used the whole trip. The bus was nice and the driver drove safely and he was friendly. The bus didn't have a toilet which was weird because we knew that we'd have to sit in it for ten hours both ways and then some. Luckily they sold unlimited amount of water bottles for 5€. In the hotel we were sent to our rooms and told when the breakfast was. Next day we heard there would've been drinks for us and some snack. Didn't help us much then anymore but even the guide didn't know about that.
Because it was a cheap trip and prepacked, they of course tried to sell extra stuff to us. We bought the package which gave us access to the sights and dinner. The other package would've been second meals and some extra trips. We didn't want that and when we declined buying it, we were told that we made things difficult for the whole group. We didn't. But the whole trip we were made feel like second class customers.
Few of the sights were interesting. We visited open air museums, a city in caves under the ground, bazaars and oh so many rest stops. The restaurants and the sights were full with people from the same kind of trips and the passengers where herded like cattle. The noise even in the hotel restaurants buffets were uncomfortable. We didn't get to see much "authentic" Turkey - though granted that tourism is a huge part of the country. Many of the stops were just like the last one.
Best part of the trip have to be hot air ballooning. It cost extra, but it was worth it. And the whole family went, even our mother who is afraid of heights survived and liked the flight.
When we landed back home I almost cried. Though I was extremely tired from the trip, I also felt relieved to be home. It's nice to go away but more often it's even better to come back home. Like most of the trips before, this time too I felt like I didn't find what I was looking for. Strangely it also made me feel happy because I wasn't travelling as "a sextourist" like my friends playfully call me. This trip made it more clear that I wasn't looking for love on my travels but some kind of peace of mind or home.
Turkey is a lovely country and definitely worth to travel, but I think my two times are enough. Weather this time of the year is ideal for a Northener like me but summers are way too hot. It's dirty there and I never learn how to use those holes in the floor mimicking toilets. The people are friendly and helpful but they also try to force sell everything to you. Probably even their own mother if they could. In an Islamic country I do feel uncomfortable anyway. I would like to obey their cultural rules like in any country I visit, but I can't approve the oppression of one whole gender.
There's so much more I could tell about the trip but sometimes it's best to tell only the essentials.
TL;DR: Don't travel with TSS. It is le shit. Go hot air ballooning. It is le bomb.
Almost forgot to link a song! Here is one oldie but goldie that I played on the trip. If nothing else, the vid is quite amusing:
Note to self: three shifts of work, three days of school and bunch of other duties every week doesn't go well for a lazybutt like me. The first half of the semester is coming to an end so hopefully soon I'll be able to think more of inner thoughts and less of official thoughts.
I've carried on with my quest to find out why I like lyrics so much. I think I can explain it with the way Finns make music. When it comes to melody, Finnish songs can be a bit boring. The key in good Finnish songs are in the lyrics mostly and I think that might explain why karaoke is so popular here. Let me demonstrate this by an example.
Neljä Ruusua (four roses) have a song called Tie Ajatuksiin (a path to thoughts). It's not much if you just listen to it and don't understand what is being said. This is my best effort on translating the lyrics.
"I want to lick you clean from the dents of life take you by the hand and take you with me I want to forgive you all your sins and lead you to the direction towards peace of mind
Sometimes the power (energy) gets cut off or one has too much of it but will can lift a tightrope dancer in the air
In my eyes the world seems foggy and beautiful if future fullfills my dreams I'll stay and rest, and never want to be reborn again I want to take you on a voyage to my thoughts and teach you what I've realised I want to open your eyes, make you see with fresh gaze and smother the despair
Sometimes the powergets cut off or one has too much of it but will can lift a tightrope dancer in the air
In my eyes the world seems foggy and beautiful if future fullfills my dreams I'll stay and rest, and never want to be reborn again
A path to thoughts, come with me
A path to thoughts, come with me"
Most of the great Finnish songs have a certain nickcavean flair to it. And they are usually melancholic. Songs about walking in fathers shoes and killing the family, suicide, darkness, snow, despair, losing loved-ones and drinking. Mostly drinking.
They are also about how tied we are to our ancestors, they point out problems and shows us that singing about them might not make them go away, but it can make us feel better. Lyrics have always been the way for me to feel I belong; that there is someone else in the universe feeling as I do and that I'm not alone.
Lyrics can encourage or help carry a burden. Lyrics can say the stuff you would like to, but you just can't or you don't have the words. They say so much more of human communication is done without words but I don't think that just makes the words any less valuable. What makes humans special compared to any other animals is that we talk, we sing and we dance (and we bury our loved-ones). Lyrics are as essential as the rhythm or the melody. What's so great about music is that it combines the essence of being a human. It includes the talking (words, lyrics), the singing (melody) and the dancing (rhythm). A world without music would be a grim place and I'm happy I'm not in one.
There has been a lot of talk about bullying in the Finnish social media lately. It happens every year around the time schools start. I've read horrible stories this year. Stories that makes me doubt if I would've survived such. The name calling and afflicted physical pain are one thing but the feeling of living in fear... How can someone survive it? And then become a productive member of society.
I don't think I've ever witnessed bullying in the schools I've been. I heard rumours in gymnasium, but I didn't see it myself. I do remember some name calling here and there, and once I remember the one who was being called names having to drag me away from the name caller because I kinda wanted to give a piece of me. A big chunk of me to be exact.
Now. That story makes me sound like one of the good guys. But don't believe it. We all want to look good and make ourselves seen as the heroes, the angels. Nobody wants to be the villain, nobody wants to admit we've made mistakes. I think that might be one root of the problem, it's okay to be the bullied one. It's no longer showing weakness, it's showing courage to be able to announce you survived that. And it's a good thing that way.
But who are the bullies? Where did they come from? In the social conversation there are only victims, no villains. And now I'm starting to sound like I'd been a bully - isn't life funny. Fear not, if you'd know me at all, you'd know I'm too nice and too sweet for that kind of thing. And I'm not stupid. I might be afraid; I'm quite scared of physical pain which makes it damn hard to intervene if I see something that would require someone to be in the between and stop it. The feeling of helplessness is something that carries with me probably all my life.
I do have my Hulk moments too. When I start to get really angry, I can easily get physical too. It's not so easy to make me blindly angry, though I'm grumpy all the times. (Especially in the mornings.) So I'm not a bully, never been a bully. I never been bullied either. I have some scars of being called fat and the table breaking under me when I was sitting on it. People teasing that I don't sing the right notes. Tickling in the hallway so much that it's just not funny anymore. But kids are kids, it's impossible to stop all of those things. I don't even want to know what would happen to those kids anyway. We want to protect the next generation, but they still need valuable experiences to learn.
I think the line is crossed when the teased starts to be afraid. Afraid of going to school. Being afraid of losing lunch money, a backpack, new shoes. Thinking there's nothing but pain. Thinking nobody cares. That's the point it shouldn't reach.
What no one is pointing out is that not getting involved can leave scars too. Once in the subway (or metro as we call it here) there were two girls who were mean to another girl. Luckily there was a man who intervened and made the two girls stop. The girls seemed familiar, I used to hang out with people like that. What I still regret after these years is that the two girls and the one girl who was clearly afraid left the subway on the same stop. I should've left too and go check if everything was okay. I still wonder what happened and how that one girl managed. Did she make it home?
My boyfriend from time when I was just becoming an adult, broke a bone in his hand intervening a fight where five men where kicking one guy who was already down on the street. I don't think this bf of mine ever regretted it, no matter how much pain he was in. He has as many screws in his hand now as there were men beating him and his friends, to remind him of that night. He did the right thing and he should be proud of it.
We are scared for ourselves and scared to make things worse by intervening. But we all know it's not going to get better if we don't do anything. We should find out what makes some people bully. We should teach our kids to be tougher so they wont get bullied and we should stand up for those who are not in a position to do it for themselves. Because two beavers are always better than one.
I hope this post doesn't offend anyone or diminish anyone's pain. I had more to say about the matter but because I'm so damn busy lately I have to run to work now. Have a great day!
There's a lot of talk about harassment in Facebook. Unfortunately the conversation that inspired me to write this post today is in Finnish. Let me sum it up for you English speakers. The points made were:
- Every woman has been harassed at some point of their life.
I have couple of those stories but I think the worst was when I didn't greet this one guy I passed on the street. It was a national holiday and he wanted me to wish him happy whatever back. When I didn't, he started to follow me and it ended in me slamming the front door of the apartment building I used to live in shut right in front of him. I think it's the feeling of helplessness that makes it worst. All I could do was run, if he'd catch me, there wouldn't be a thing I could've done to prevent him to hurt me - or worse.
- Sex is everywhere and yet it's considered to be something nasty, dirty and meant behind the closed curtains.
A lot could be done if people were more open about it and talk more about sex and sexuality.
- Loving yourself will help you to love others.
If you respect yourself, it's easier to respect others too. When we try to look for some kind of salvation from outside ourselves, we'll never be satisfied.
- When we mix love with need, we're in trouble. One guy in FB is quoting Jen Erasmith saying that we consider the message "I need you" as a romantic note.
Instead we should be saying "I love you. I don't need you, but I love you." and not confuse needing something sexual with loving someone. I know few young lads who think they love me when they clearly just need me. I don't mind being needed, it gives me the a sense of having a purpose in this world. But I am somewhat offended when they say they love me in a romantic way, because to me the need of me is so clear and the romantic love is nowhere to be seen.
- The original author which sparked the conversation claims that every woman wants to be taken with force. She says that this is a fantasy we replicate by leaving with a strange man knowing he could do anything he wanted to us.
I think this is rather dangerous claim. I'm not saying it's far fetched, because of course it's intriguing to think that someone finds you so desirable they just can't help what they do. But the danger lies in claiming this to be true for every woman. It gives the assaulter a reason, "she wanted this". Still, I agree that in the end we all want to be hit in the head with a club and be dragged to the cave. But I think this goes to men and women both. We all want to be wanted, needed, desired and loved. It's not really a surprise - and I'm fairly certain shouting that every women wants to be taken forcefully is not going to help the situation.
What caused this conversation was this clip:
The next clip YouTube suggested me was this:
At the very end of the last clip you can see quite genuine look of frustration in his face. The one I think most of us women know all too well. The look of "gtf out of my face".
Three clips, first explains the problem, second brings it to everyday life and third one seeks out the instant solution. I like the "What would you do?" -videos because they restore some of my faith in humanity.
I always say that we here in Finland are more okay with nudity because of sauna, but I think we don't know how to handle provocative clothes. If a woman walked on the street without any clothes, she'd possibly be left alone more than a woman with a shortshortskirt and an itsybitsytop. I used to think we Finns are like dwarfs: you are not suppose to tell apart the women and men, we all look the same. The problem arises, not when we take our clothes off, but when we point out the differences in genders. Hard labour and tough surroundings are what makes us Finns, there's no time for that sissy-beautystuff.
If you point out that you're a sexual person with your clothes, your style, your words, your butt or your boobs, you become some kind of a target. You loose part of your own... humanity when you become a sexual being. A sexual being doesn't have the same rights as a human being. You become the reminder that we're all sexual beings.
You know the feeling when you do something stupid in the heat of the moment? Ever had sex without protection? Ever sent a cleavage pic or or a dicture to some pretty random person? Ever left the bar to have a one-nightstand? Have you ever let things go a bit too far just because you wanted... it. Not him or her. Not anything specific. Just overwhelmed with lust or desire or whatever you want to call it and that has clouded your judgement.
I don't know if suppressed sexual desires provokes men to whistle at women on the streets but I do agree that talking about sex and sexuality openly is a good thing. It can't do harm to know there are other perspectives and it's not like you can really know too much about sex. It's not just about sex we should talk about openly: It's also about menstruation, bowl movement, even sweating and anything that is perfectly normal, happens to everyone and is so connected to your body functions that you can't separate it from your mind.
I think part of the problem is that we try to separate things that are bound together. Sex is not only part of your body, it's part of your mind too. I think the issue when harassment happens, is that we forget that the body is not just connected to the mind but a part of it and vice versa. I don't agree that people who harass sees their targets as just objects, they do know they are humans. They just forget that body and mind are not separated. And I think we all should know this when starting anything sexual with anyone: you might not hurt the body, but you can do severe damage to the mind. What you do can be creepy if the other person doesn't respond with the same feelings.
My subconscious project for the past year has been trying to figure out what goes on in the minds of the opposite sex (in the most heteronormative way of course). I've started to pay different kind of attention to how women look like. What I've noticed by trying to look the world through masculine eyes, is that it's not about the whole. A woman with a little extra weight can be interesting if her boobs juggle nicely. Or a weirdly dressed woman can be a sight for sore eyes by having a great butt in those crazy pants.
I don't know if I'm at all close to the truth here, but I've noticed lot of beauty and smexy people around me by focusing on the details. I think women look for the whole package. The eyes, the hair, the clothes, the smile has to go well together but they don't all need to be prefect. But I think a guy can find a woman interesting just because of one detail.
I've also pondered the way we are and act, and why is it so different. Or is it really different? I think I should take more manly look on life and relationships. Pursue more, wait around doing nothing less. I think it's time to shake the stuck up gender roles out of my life and stop waiting for a prince charming to whisk me away. If I want whisking in my life, I should do it myself.
My motivational words of the day are:
- start looking for the beauty around you and realise you have it in you too.
- stop waiting around for something to happen and go enjoy the things you like.
- don't take any bs. You know who you are if you've done enough soul searching, why would you let someone else define you.
- if you can't stop being so afraid, still start taking chances. Just suck it up and jump to the wavy ocean of life and feelings.
- nobody cares what you do. At least not more than you do. So do stuff for yourself and not anyone else.
- you can combine touching and talking in the way that there are no misunderstanding. You don't have to be a heart breaker or in love to give someone you care a hug. There's nothing sexual in walking hand in hand.
- mean the things you say but don't swallow all the things you mean. "I love you" is a powerful sentence but you can't break the meaning by saying it often. Only actions against it will do damage to it.
- people hate doormats more than those who claim their own space and rights. Don't you dare waste time on shitheads who will play you just because they can.
I can't remember who wrote it or where I've seen it or what the original language even is, or the exact words, but this has had some kind of impact in my life:
Alter yourself. Change colour. Buy a golden car to replace your yellow bike. Change all you want, it's nobodies business. Change, but don't stay still. Move, so you won't be mummified.
Or something like that.
Taking a more manly attitude towards life doesn't mean to become a superman. It doesn't mean loosing your femininity. We all know guys are just as much of bunch of sissy girls as the ones with a vagina between their legs. What I mean is that it's okay to look at life differently. It's nice to see that there's more than just what you've always seen. I guarantee you'll be happier when you start pausing to really look at the world. You don't have to smell the roses and listen to the birds sing if that's not your thing. You don't have to become someone else to stop and notice things around you.
Notice that it's only an act, a cover people have. A mask. Beneath it we're pretty much the same. We do same mistakes, it's how we deal and act during and after them that defines us.
A person who stands still never grows up. How could he, he has never actually experienced anything. You can learn a lot from books, but you'll learn more from experiences. Still, you can do lots of stuff, but if you don't process them and study them, you'll learn nothing. I guess that's why we grow the most by the hardships we meet, because we have to process them at least some. Just don't let other people be the hardship, there's enough pain in things that happens around you.
Go for it. And if you hit your head, collect yourself and move on. Don't stay still and don't stay to cry for the boo boo. Take the chance, take the outcome, ponder about it for a moment and then move on with a little more baggage but a little more wisdom too.
And never stop enjoying all the jiggling boobs bouncing just for you.
In the deep dark depths of the interwebs I met a guy. He told me he is from Israel. After first bumbs on the road we seemed to get along fine. It was scary to talk to him in Skype and hear him say "Shit, I gotta go" and then hear the headset slam on the table and the sirens on the background. It's so hard to imagine being surrounded by war. Being scared all the time. Not just being scared for yourself but being scared for your family, your friends, your home, everything.
I have no idea what's going on there. I can't say I've ever really even cared about Middle East before this. I've never tried to understand what's going on and why. But when it comes closer to your personal space, someone you know is involved, it makes it more real.
My first thought about the conflict was "Didn't you kinda steal the land from someone?". I thought someone has to be the bad guy in this scenario. So I started to read up on stuff. First stop was of course wikipedia and that gave me some idea what Israel even is. I then watched some videos. Like this one:
Apparently Hamas kidnapped and murdered three Israeli boys and that's how all of this got started this time. It gave Israel a reason to attack back. The casualties are hundreds on Palestinian side and few dozens on Israeli side. I wonder why is it so different? Apparently Israeli houses are build to last through bombing, Isreal have good medical care and the Hamas rockets aren't really up to modern USA standards. Unlike Israeli. The financial aid given to Palestinians have apparently gone to somewhere else than building stern houses and hospitals for the people since they "live in shit and fear" like one of my friends commented the subject.
I like to stay out of political conflicts and to not even think about them much because they are so complicated. Looking at the pictures it's easy to see that this should stop. That Israel shouldn't keep attacking Gaza. But then I hear how Hamas keeps children on the rooftops of their houses to prevent Israeli army bombing them. And I hear some of the pictures are not even close to be taken from this conflict and that pictures from other horrors are just used as propaganda. But then I think about how the nation was found in the first place in the middle of Arabic countries and the decision was made by someone else than the people who lived on the land. But then I remember it was the after math of holocaust. I don't know if there's a genocide happening now and for some reason I'd like something to be done to the circumstances of North Korea more than this but it's easy to see that killing people shouldn't be the answer to anything.
(credit @kmarikat)
The nasty part of a war is that both parties will want to bash the other side. And they will teach this to their children because they can remember the fear that war brings. But we as the outsiders should try to look at the whole thing and try to get past the
So I don't know who is right or wrong. If there even is answer to that. The most important thing is to look at this from both sides, see both sides of the story. And most of all, try to understand. Because there has to be some sense in all of this. There has to be. Right?
