What was on the bread

Lately I've been thinking about my latest long relationship a lot. Probably because I had a little fight with him the other day and we haven't talked much lately. Probably because I met a guy who gives me the same kind of vibes as he did. Or maybe it's because I had a long talk on the phone with a friend who is having troubles in their relationship. Let's call my ex... umm... Stan. That'll make writing this easier. So my ex is Stan, and the new one is so new that I have not yet established a good nickname for him. If he sticks around, he'll get a name.

So anyways, about the vibes. I don't mean bad and definitely not anything bone chilling. More the opposite. I feel good and calm with the newbie like I did with Stan. Stan and I were together for years and in many ways it was a good relationship. Okay, a great relationship. Most people don't get to experience that even once in their lifetime and here I am at the threshold of another one. It wasn't perfect of course. Nothing in this life is perfect, and there's a reason we're ex's.

When I try to explain to people why Stan and I aren't together, it's always difficult. We broke up years ago and still I get asked that, especially if we're seen together. "Tell me again why aren't you guys together?" "Is there any chance you could get together again?" "You guys were so good together." Yes, we were. No, there isn't. And here's why were not together.

It sounds so vain when I say it, but it was the toasts in the mornings. But you have to see this as a metaphor for the entire relationship. We were together for years, Stan and I, and few years we lived together too. Stan was great. He wrapped me up in a towel after I took a shower. He made sure I was warm on a cold winter night. He was tentative in many ways. If I went out with my friends to a bar, he didn't join me because that was not his scene, but he usually came and picked me up. Even at four am. Even if I was sober as a crystal glass and didn't need anyone to walk me home. And he made me breakfast.

You don't know how many mornings I flipped because of that damned breakfast. I had it the same way every morning. I still do, if I'm having bread. When I wake up, I put the boiler thingie on and go take a shower so the tea is not too hot later. I have green tea in the mornings. With honey. (Granted, three years ago I didn't use honey.) And the teacup is always fully filled, because I would use a smaller cup if I wanted less. I have a glass of water on the side, and it has to be cold. The water, not the glass. I have two slices of bread. Toasted. Next part depends on what there is in the fridge, but the elements never really change. I put butter on the bread (or cream cheese) and I smear it equally on the bread. That means the sides too, not just put some on the middle. Then I put cheese, because I like how it slightly melts on the toasted bread. Then I put ham or something whatever kind of meat there is. And then bell pepper, cucumber or tomato or something, again what there is in the fridge.

A long explanation, right? And not too easy to remember. How long do you think it would take to remember it? A week? A month? More than six years? I'm super grumpy in the mornings, and I told Stan multiple times that I get cranky when I don't get the breakfast I like, so it's better if he just doesn't make it anymore at all. But because he wanted to make me breakfast, he did. And I was angry. Because it was never right. And I need it to be right in the mornings. It just has to be right. Otherwise I don't survive the day.

He never learnt, and I was the bad guy. In the relationship with Stan most of things were like a stage. I tried not to get mad and yell, because he got so clogged from that. There were not a single fart in the room we shared. But it wasn't fake either. It was just how we were together, and it probably explains why it didn't last. Next time you see us walking around in the town, you know why we're not together. It's because of the bread. Stan was wonderful, and he still is. He's just not the butter for my bread.

Now back to the newbie and the thoughts. He doesn't make me feel like breakfast in the mornings. Oh no. He makes me feel like wrapping a big towel around after a shower. And this feeling makes me grateful for what being with Stan taught me. It taught me not to be so angry, not to nag all the time. It taught me to talk about things, all kinds of things. It taught me that two different kinds of people can quite easily make it work if they want to. It taught me that not all past relationships are waste of time. It showed me what is an equal relationship, where both brings something in it. It taught me not to poison the other person and it taught me to hold my own. Being with Stan made me the person I am today. I might not have been all the things I am with him, but I sure as hell learnt about myself so much that a retreat to a mountain cave for soul searching would not have been better use of time.

It's so important to be with someone who makes it easy to be yourself around. And it's so easy to be in a relationship where you forget who you really are, where the poison runs in both of your veins and the small voice in your head telling you that you're better than this, has gone silent long time ago. It's hard to end a relationship that you thought would last forever. And it is really hard to be friends with your ex's. Even for me and Stan, who didn't have that toxic atmosphere.

We don't have time for shitty relationships. Most of all because it molds us to someone we're not. It makes us lose ourselves and regret the things we say and do. A bad relationship makes us afterwards ponder not who the person was who we were with, but the person who we became during the relationship. If you find yourself radically changing because of a relationship, think about it hard. Is it a good change? Do you want to change as that kind of a person? Are you doing it deliberately or are you changing because the relationship is forcing your soul to twist and turn? Do you like the person you've become? Is that person you?

Relationship in the modern era is not an altar you're supposed to sacrifice everything on. Of course you're supposed to work for it and not toss it away if the breads are not made to your liking on the first morning. But you're supposed to work for something you want to keep, something that gives you something too. If you keep giving but you get nothing back and you change for it, stop. Find another way. Maybe the relationship is not for you. And I can guarantee you'll do better on your own than in a toxic relationship. You'll survive the breakup and you'll learn to stand on your own two feet again. Don't let a relationship make you bitter and twisted. Fight for what is good, and if there's none left, know when to give up.

Relationships are never easy, but they can still be good.

Cripples, pt. III

I just had a conversation with a friend about stream of consciousness. If you write it down without editing, could it be a peek into your mind and train of thoughts? He sent me some memories of his travels that were basically just things after things without much description. And I could see them before my eyes. Sometimes we don't need the whole picture, we just need an imagination. And the ability to see with our inner eyes.

I felt bad being so lazy that one time when I posted just my notes. But now I think it might be better to not always explain everything and just let you think what you want out of things. Just now I saw a gif where supposedly a man with down syndrome kicked a little boy and the father of the child who had been further away, knocked the kicker down with a single punch. There's no right answers to that situation. Nothing rarely is black and white. My notes are usually about those things, I guess that's what makes the thoughts so interesting. Some of these I wrote down while I was blabbering for hours on the phone with a friend a while back, so I can't take full credit for all of them.

Responsibility is on the individual.

An intelligent person is not (automatically) a good person.

One can be shy towards other things than just people.

"I knew from the start that you'll break my heart."

Where is the line between feelings and sexual tension? What are the signs?

"You got wisdom to give but you trade it for youth."

He is so smart, it's sexy.

Not to be loved like in the songs, but to love someone so much that you want to sing about it.

"It's a sin. Everything I've ever done, everything I'll ever do, everywhere I'll ever be."

Haste is the enemy of love.

There is no future in the past.

You need someone that doesn't need you to fix them, but someone who needs you nonetheless.

Being happy or being content as a goal of life?

If there really is a hell, I'll be going there.

No judge, no jury, just an execution.

Why do geek guys like older girls? Is it because they think younger chicks only likes makeup and fashion and nothing "smart"?

Save the world by flashing.

There was one more, but that doesn't say much to anyone because it's just "flirting: give/take". Okay, I might have to explain at least the last one. The flashing thing I saw in a documentary about vulva (I watched a penis documentary too and I was happy to see that cosmetic surgery has taken steps forward since the last documentary I saw. It's still crazy as hell, but I can still appreciate innovations).

In the documentary there was a journalist who had dove in deep to the world and history of female body parts. She had come across an ancient story of a Greek goddess Demeter who was sad because her daughter was kidnapped. A woman named Baubo then told her some lewd jokes and finally flashed her. That made the goddess laugh which was a good thing because her being sad made the world stay in a state of winter and all that. Apparently the goddess was raped trying to find her daughter who was imprisoned by Hades and probably raped as well. Greek mythology, always so cheerful.

Anyway, the world would be a better place if people laughed more. I'm pretty sure if us girls started to flash to people, it would be hilarious. So inappropriate as well, but nevertheless hilarious. Save the world by mooning your front side will become one of my mottos. Also I think if we saw genitalia in non-sexual situations more often, a world would be a better place. You can read more about goddess Demeter for example here.

The song of the day is Ramalama (bang bang) by Róisín Murphy. This time on Vimeo because someone had made an amazingly crazy video for it. Link here: https://vimeo.com/59360041

Another brick on the wall

Yesterday at work we talked about how us Finns are so neurotic for being right. If we can't do a good job, we don't do it at all. That's why we shy from talking other languages. Almost everyone in Finland knows some other language enough to at least survive with it. If a group of random Finns were thrown to a place and country unknown to them, they could be home in no time, because one of them can communicate in French, one in German, one in Russian, one can read Greek alphabet and one has roots in Middle-East and remembers some Arabic. And of course they all speak both Swedish and English. But they won't, since they can't use the language because they don't do it perfectly. We do nothing half-assed, we won't even live the life we're handed because we might mess it up. So better keep the expectations low.

I've been thinking about expectations a lot lately. I think in some way the time in England freed me. For the past few years I've battled more and more between who I am and who I should be in the sight of my friends, society, destiny... I've been in a glass cage of knowing people want something of me. They want me to be something. And I've found out that is a lie. Or if they do want me to be something, it's something totally different than I thought. My teenage years have screwed me over big time and I've been trying to fix it ever since. Being in a foreign country with people who don't know me was a huge step closer in accepting that people likes me for who I am. And they actually likes the real me a lot more than the fake me. I don't know why it is so hard to accept that I'm not perfect as a person, but I can still be a pretty cool gal.

I have fought against the artist in me. In a way I've thought the time has passed and I'm too late. I will never become anything. But I never wanted to be a Hollywood star. And time is a bonus for a thinker. The older you are, the more you've had time to think. And maybe in the end you can make something sensible out from all of it. I've tried to look like everyone else so I won't be recognised as "one of those people". You know, those people who lives inside their heads. Those people that are not really here. Those people who have lots of colors and flowers and pictures of kittens in their clothes. And hats. Preferably huge hats. I've been so afraid of getting that stamp on my forehead that I have chained myself to the ground thinking that flying is forbidden. That people will judge me and shun me from their society if I dare to be what I am. And all this time I could have been reaching for the stars. For example if I had committed to painting or writing, I wouldn't be Picasso or Shakespeare, but I could be pretty good because of all the practicing. Maybe I had published a book. Or held a little show in an art gallery. No more excuses, it's time to start flying.

I don't know why we think we know what other people think. Especially what they think about us. Why do we assume so many things without asking, without hearing the answer. Just believing something is not worth as much as the truth, as we Finns would say. When I was a teenager they said not to believe everything you hear, or not to believe everything they say, but why didn't anyone say don't believe what they think either.

I'm not saying I would be a famous artist if I hadn't wasted time with not being myself, but I might be happy now. I fought the wrong battles and thinking they would improve me, they made me more miserable. I'm that kind of a person who will never find peace, the inner struggle is too strong. But maybe I can find passing moments of serenity and over-all happiness. Especially if I don't waste time looking back how much time I've wasted. Maybe in a couple of decades when my friends are getting old and worried, I'll be drinking from the fountain of youth, thinking I've "found the truth inside after all the tears I've cried". In an old poem I wrote "I didn't know, by selling my soul, I couldn't grow old, nobody told" but I got that wrong. Selling my soul made me ancient, and when I got released from my contract I got young again.

Did that make any sense or was I unsuccesful bringing my thoughts from the clouds to the general area? I'll try to make more sense from now on: The other day my friend asked if I was interested to go on a boat trip to Croatia this summer. Hell yeah I'm interested! What could be more fun than laying in the sun for a week and swim in the crystal clear ocean? And then I heard who else is going and suddenly I came up with dozen of other things I could do with the money. Here's the list:

I could go fix my teeth so they would be straight. I don't know why they didn't fix them at the dentist when I was young. Maybe they weren't crooked enough. It's an expensive and long process, but one trip could cover the costs. And then I could actually have my teeth "lined up like a pearl necklace" as my last dentist lied to me.

I could finally get a hair extention. For long I've been dreaming of long, long, looooong hair. I like my short hair and sometimes I wonder if I should keep shaving it off because it's so much easier to upkeep that way, but a long beautiful hair would be a whole different story.

I could almost get a driver's license with that money. Not entirely but a lot of it anyway. I don't have a car and I don't know why would I need a license, but that's still something I could do. Or I could learn how to ride a motorcycle. I could buy a scooter and wroom wroom around the town. Okay, a used scooter, but a scooter nontheless. Though the public transportation is so good here that I wouldn't really need it. So maybe not useful but it could still be fun.

I could go to a spa and have all kinds of treatments. I could travel to England and Denmark to meet all of my friends. I could travel somewhere else. I was just last summer in Croatia and I want to see as many countries I can while on this earth.

I could furnish my apartment as I wish. I could buy painting equipment and turn my studio into a studio. I could get a canvas covering a whole wall and just paint all my troubles away.

I could pimp my computer. Buy gadgets. I could buy 20 pairs of quality leggings with that money. I could buy, buy, buy, but I already have so much stu... crap. I would rather get rid of it than get more. And experiences are worth more than any amount of money.

I could go to a concert or two, go on a party cruise here, travel in Finland meeting friends and relatives. I could have a proper vacation for a change and do absolutely nothing.

I could save up for a rainy day.

I could donate the money to a charity and solve all world's problems with it. Or I could go do volunteer work abroad and buy the plane tickets with that money.

I could hire a personal trainer and get fit. Or I could take dance classes. Or take singing lessons.

I could get a tattoo. I've been dreaming of a big and painful one

But the one thing I want the most is not something I can buy. One thing I want more than travel is to find love. We speak about finding love, but is love really hiding somewhere? Or is it all around us but we just don't see it. Love is blind, they say, but I think we as people are more blind...

---

...and that's where I stopped writing a month ago. I was supposed write it later but then I got new ideas and I couldn't write more posts until this one was finished and I didn't have the inspiration for this one anymore. So I never finished this and never will. I will probably one day post something about the thing I was gonna write but now I have to post this before the blog gets so cold it can freeze hell.

Here's the song of the day. I heard it in Elementary and liked it. It's not connected to anything, but it's a good song and I want you to like it too. And how can you like a song, if you've never heard it?

Resolutions

It's that time of the year again. New year, old tricks. I wasn't gonna post a NY rant, but then I saw something in the deep dark corners of the interwebs and I decided the world needs another motivational post from yours truly. This is the image I came across:

I was staring at this longer than I'd like to admit. I did that. I literally did that last year.

Remember last time on the NY post I made I promised quite a lot of things:

2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.

I have been even happier in the year 2015. The dark times have been ever more rare and the good times have flown higher. I stopped talking to people who makes me unhappy because I have more self-respect.

I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.

I still have work to do with the whole receiving bs, but I have been more open about situations that makes me uncomfortable. I have gained more wisdom and mainly it has come through new friends and new places. My old friends have thought me great deal too, mostly about myself, goodness in people and strength. I have appreciated smaller things in life and heard so many birds sing that sometimes I want to cry for joy.

I've learned so much. About myself and the world. I've found courage in me that I thought didn't even existed. I've been so blessed, so unbelievably lucky. Sometimes I wait for the sky to fall down because it's hard to believe I deserve any of this. I'm still single and I might not have kissed everyone I wanted, but I have broaden my view on men in general. I have defined my heritage and proved to myself that I'm not a racist. I'm childishly curious about other cultures and people, but I have no hatred towards anyone. This is really stupid, but I had a goal to kiss a black man in the summer. Summer went and passed before I reached my silly goal, but I did it finally. And what I learned about that was that men are pretty much the same.

I mean, there are different personalities in all of us, but the color of ones skin doesn't change a man (or a woman). The only thing different is that taking selfies together is hard depending on the lighting and the contrast of the colors is beautiful. (I'm probably one of the whitest people in the world and my tone against dark chocolate looks amazing. Funny side note though: I burned my back on 4th of July and I still have the tanline. That's not so pretty and mainly just awkward. For the year 2016 I hope to get rid of that or I can never be nekkid with anyone again.)

I shaved my head and it's slowly growing back. I miss my hair dearly when it's windy but I also like the new style. Rockin' it! I also got on to a plane and moved to another country for few months. It has been scary in so many levels and I have crazy respect for those who has come to study with me from other countries and especially outside Europe. With my English skills it has been struggling so I can only imagine how it is for those who understands even less. It has been a great experience and again I've learned so much. But I still can't wait to go home. There's a little apartment with my name on it waiting for me and I will finally live alone. Can't wait to decorate it and have people over for sleepovers and pillowfights and whatnot. Probably gonna spend the first week dancing naked and cooking and showering in the night.

What I didn't do from the list in the pic is take my own life. I haven't even thought about it. Few weeks ago I was pretty sure I'll die because I was so sick, and what a satisfying feeling it was to think "if I don't wake up from this sleep, it's okay. I have had an amazing life so far and I have no big regrets."

Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.

I danced more but I want to dance even more. I sang more, but I'm going to sing even more. I loved more, but not romantically. I laughed more and smiled more and I'm going to keep on doing that. I traveled more but this year I hope I'll be able to travel outside Europe and see how the world is elsewhere. I will work harder and give my best because I want to be the best. Now that I have a laptop and will have an apartment just for myself there is definitely gonna be more gaming. I really want to make snow angels, but the damn winter is not coming soon enough! Ice skating is also on the list and cross-country skiing. I'm still looking for the lotioner and the love of my life. I have a feeling this won't be the year it will happen either, but at least I can have so much fun searching.

It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.

I've learned new skills the past year and that is something I hope to achieve this year too. This year I would like to learn to be more confident and more okay with my own skin. I want to be less selfish when it's possible, and more selfish when it's necessary. I want to own less material possessions. I want to make more meaningful things in my life. I want to gain good reputation and have my own opinions. I want to taste new foods and I want to cook more. I want to enjoy more music and other kind of arts. I want to have more deep conversations, but I also want to have more fun and be more jolly. I want to be afraid of not trying. And the most I want to waste less time.

For everyone I wish the new year would bring more self-respect, more loving yourself. More brighter days and less bad decisions. More strength and courage to know what's good for you and own it. I wish you'll find your passion and reach your ambitions. I wish less judgement for my countrymen and more cultural understanding. Less prejudices, but more Austen. The most I wish this year will be the best year so far and may the next be even better.

The song of the day is a mashup of the past year by DJ Earworm. Enjoy!

#justfinnishthings

This is gonna be a long post, forgive me. 

I've been so unbelievably homesick lately that I can't even. It doesn't help that I've had a headache the past three days, stressing for schoolwork and for going back home and ofc it's that time of the month. I took a pill for the headache, did some school stuff and bought some chocolate, so those things are covered, but there's not much I can do to homesickness. And add to that it's the independence day of Funland.

I miss home. I miss toilet doors that opens outside. I miss bus fares that are the same for any distance inside a certain region. I miss people automatically giving space to each other while walking on the street. I miss tap water that tastes good. I miss my own university and the level of education there. I miss familiar currency and familiar products at the store so I could do some kind of comparison without it taking forever. I miss knowing that I can speak my mind and knowing I have the words and the ability to explain what I mean without having to rush and leave things half way (I'm so much more witty in my native language). I miss knowing what's socially acceptable. But most of all I miss my friends and family. I miss being Finnish and not having to justify it to anyone.

It comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning. Tomorrow I'll probably be fine again and thinking that I don't ever want to go back home. So many things are good here and I love the freedom and anonymity that speaking a foreign language gives me. Though I easily swear in situations it's frowned upon, a thing that I would not do in Finnish. I'm having fun here and I love my new friends, they give me different kind of energy that I never thought I could have. I think I have already changed, but for the good and I'm somewhat scared to go back home. What if I fall back to my old ways? What if I don't fit in anymore? As if I ever fit in...

I've always been a bit more patriotic than the average friend of mine but being in a foreign country makes me appreciate my homeland in a very profound way. Clean water and clean air are amazing things. Forests and lakes. Our body-image. The bittersweet melancholy which gives space for happiness too. Free education, health care, dental. Electronic and technological advantages. The history we have. Ecological thinking. Equality and the sexual revolution. Honesty and politeness. The fact that we have a metal cover of so many songs and we have a metal band just for kids. There are so many things wrong in Finland but there are so many things right that it makes it the best country in the world.

I'm listening to Finnish songs and being all teary-eyed. We have a national anthem "Maamme -laulu" (our land's song) but we also had a great composer once, you might have heard of him, called Jean Sibelius who wrote the song Finlandia hymn. It was never meant to be sang but lyrics were made for it almost immediately and they're absolutely beautiful. This is that song performed by a choir and it was an ad for the presidential elections some time back.

The lyrics are touching, the song states that the day of Finland has finally arrived and the terror of the night has been driven away. It also says that Finland should hold its head high because it has shown the world that it has banished slavery and has not bend under oppression. Your morning has begun, Finland.

The times are tough in Finland like they are everywhere. Money is scarce and funding from cultural, educational and health care section are being pulled. There are a lot of worries about human rights, and immigrants and refugees. The discourse is loud - luckily. For both for and against, but at least we are talking about it. The best statement so far was made recently by a store chain with their ad:

The song is a classic and the lyrics gets new meanings with this ad and the people singing it. The lyrics goes something along these lines: He happened to be born innocent / to this northern and cold land / where already the ancestors drunk - of course / beat up their wives and children if they could catch them / the son wanted to escape from the traditional fate / "I won't ever buy an axe and I will never drink booze / or otherwise I will loose the house" / it drives a man in desperation / when the frost harvests the crops / from the middle of cold soil silently / a cold eye is staring / when the axe rises / in the middle of the mounds, from soil of the ground / proudly the fathers are watching their sons / unemployment, alcohol, an axe and the family / snow blanket, police and the last mistake... And so on. It's a very depressing song, but putting in this context it shows us that we're not different from the immigrants and the colour of your skin doesn't determinate that you can't have the same roots as I do.

Finland is traditionally seen as a white and blue country. White as snow, blue from the thousand lakes (or the coldness which makes us change colour from the captains of chalk ships to very unhealthy blueberries). The world is changing and so is Finland with it. I can only imagine the hardships those people go through who moves to Finland and I see it better every day now that I'm far away struggling myself with unfamiliar surroundings. Though I blend in in every Western country for being brown-haired and green-eyed, so one can't tell just by looking at me that I'm necessarily foreign. I've encountered enough cat-calling for being able to imagine what racism could be like, but I imagine it to be something much worse.

Today there's much more colour in Finland and that should be seen as a good thing. Learning about different cultures doesn't only teach us about the world, but it also makes us learn more about ourselves. Not looking beyond our own navel makes us narrow-minded in so many levels and thinking that our ways are the best makes us stand still. You are allowed to pick and choose the best for you and you are allowed to be yourself whatever that might be. It's not okay to break the law or not try living with the rules of the community, but as a person you should be what you are. It's hypocritical of us Finns to judge others when we consider being different a good thing. I know we bow to the Western culture and we want to be known and recognised but we still embrace our difference. Finnish culture wouldn't give up saunas even if rest of the world would criticise it. So why is it so hard to let others be what they want? Why do we think we're so superior and at the same time we have a huge inferiority complex.

Being away from home is hard. Many of my friends don't realise how much I would appreciate hearing from them, talking to them in my mother tongue and just overall being surrounded by familiar things even if it's through interwebs. I find solace in chatting with a friend who lives in a neighbouring country because I imagine he has gone through similar things as I have. He probably hasn't, but I like to relate even if it's just figure of my imagination. And he is one of the few people who pokes me from time to time asking me how it's going. I appreciate that. Though chatting with him is a bit dangerous - this is a person I've mentioned in the blog few times before and I would tell you guys the whole story if I didn't know he occasionally reads this. And on the note of men, I'd like to give an update on what's going on. But first a song to ease the transition.

I am tired of using technology and I need you right in front of me. Which means I'm quite tired of online dating. I miss feeling the rising tension of meeting your crush and I think online dating makes things too mechanical. I did have quite good experience just now: few so romantic dates that they are in my top5 along with the text message saying "the streets are flooding, can I call you?" and kissing at the airport right after meeting.

One of the best parts of him is that he has no idea how good looking he is. He told me that he has made some drastic changes in his life and he doesn't see how much good they've done for him. The worst part is that he has no space in his life and he doesn't realise how much that can affect another person. There's also cultural differences, me thinks, because as a Finn I appreciate punctuality a lot. I can be flexible but if you expect me to be that elastic outside the bedroom, it's not fun anymore.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in being friends first and dating later. Then you already know you're compatible and you know most of the things the other person does. With online or blind dating the connotation is always romantic or at least sexual first. There's some kind of touching of the skins before you really know the other person and then people rather do that than talk.

All the best -guy said the same thing as Dragonborn, and I think they're right. They both blamed me for attacking or pointing out the flaws in them. My friends have always told me I'm too judgemental and I guess that hasn't changed. I will think about this a lot and hopefully I'm able to change my ways because I don't want to be the person who keeps nagging. I think it has something to do with this:

But it's not just about romance. It's about everything. When I see greatness, I'm many times disappointed that the person doesn't see it himself and hasn't reached it yet. Perhaps pointing out the things would help them to realise those things and then help to reach them. It doesn't work like that, I know, and I have to stop doing that. This is why we need to date people that are compatible. Someone who knows you, knows what you mean when you do things, or say things, knows your tone of voice, knows the way you are and the way you act. Dating people blindly is tiresome; getting to know new people again and again in hopes that they will fulfil your hopes and dreams is exhausting.

At least I'm learning things about myself everyday. Both living abroad and dating are good ways to know more of who you are. I truly thank the people and the world for the feedback. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger . After few weeks when I go back home, I will be hard as a rock.

One more (Finnish!) song for the occasion. The lyrics say that you're finally starting to realise that you don't need permissions from anyone, that you're too beautiful to be ashamed and there's nothing to lose, so just let go, be beautiful, indecent and happy. That's truly what a strong independent Finnish woman should be.

Head-ass-trophy

The hot topic in my circles is "why?", why did I shave my head. I've been wanting to shave my head for years, probably closer to a decade. I don't have one reason, nor do I have any really good reasons. I didn't have to shave my hair off. I just wanted to do so.

The feedback has mostly been positive. Apparently my skull has a good shape, whatever that really even means. Part of the process was to see if I could rock it with no hair - as in would it fit me. And it does body-wise. Not sure yet does it fit my personality, but time will tell.

Partly I did this because there's a little (okayokay, a huge) feminist in me that had a point to prove. Short hair, or in this case almost no hair at all, doesn't change my gender, my sex or my sexuality. I'm still a strong independent heterosexual woman who needs no hair. I can still be sexy even though I have taken the most easily recognisable feminine part of me away. I am no less of a woman now than I was before. My initial thought was to be bold (pun intended) and show how much of a woman I still look like, but the rules of Blogger forbids me. So no nudes for you, sorries.

I am greatly enjoying the attention, of course. Though it's not me in the center of attention, it's my head. Still, I don't know what to answer to comments such as "I didn't really think you would go through with it". Did you think so little of me or did you think less of me before I did this? Well. Ahem. I did? So. Umm... Suck it?

So no, I don't have cancer. I don't even take that as an insult because I have utmost respect for people who are strong enough to fight that disease and with such draining medicine as chemo.

No, I did not become a man. My vagina didn't fall off and I did not grow a penis in the spot. Is your masculinity so intimidated by my short hair that you have to make stupid jokes like that? Piss off.

Even though I feel emancipated by this, I'm afraid most of the opposite sex wont see it as such. I'm halfly hoping this will help me to stay single and out of all the drama of dating. I hate the quiet in my head when I'm in a steady relationship, but I also fear the chaos of the voices in my head when I'm single.

I feel like it's half a century ago and I'm a guy with a long hair.

Yes, my head feels nice and soft now. Like a very hairy baby's butt. Yes, you may touch it.

Vagina monologue

I might be known as the dick pic chick but I am just as curious about the other gender's genitals. The only difference is that I have a vagina and dicks are just a thing that visits between my legs. The waves of curiosity happened over a decade ago when it comes to female body parts. Why this is relevant now is not a long story but because I like my stories long, I will start with a side tour.

People react to stress and changes in their life differently. I myself notice differences in my body often when times are rough, but also when I'm sitting on a pink cloud. One psychologist once said in class that the reason why our tummies turn upside down by stress can be traced back to the deep dark seas of evolution. She said that monkeys empty their stomach when danger approaches. For example when a lion is prowling a monkey, the monkey dashes and simultaneously releases everything possible on the ground in hopes that the predator would slow down to sniff the pile of crap and the monkey could escape. Stress reflexes are a reaction to danger, so from now on when you are nervous about a job interview or an exam and your stomach starts to rumble, you can comfort yourself that even your ancestors had the same problem.

Lately I've thought a lot about periods. Mostly because I'm a week late and not pregnant (yes, I checked). Stress can do that to a person. Well, not for guys but you know what I mean. Hormones aren't really a stable thing in a human being so they can pretty much flip with your lifestyle. What you eat makes a difference and so does what you think. The more I think how late I am the more I know they will be late. Never have I ever been this late in my life.

Some women have very irregular cycle but my body has worked like a clock for years. Give or take a day or two they have come and gone as they should've. I use this one great app to keep track of my bodily functions and the app can usually predict my periods rigorously. You can only imagine the increasing panic when the days just go by and nothing comes out. What I've read in the interwebs I should call a doctor if another week goes by. Until then I keep biting my nails.

It is so unfair that this nasty thing keeps me waiting and what is more unfair is the happiness I will feel when they finally do start. It's kind of funny to be joyous of having pain and bleeding. Many times I've thought about how it would feel like to have a dingdong hanging down there but just lately I have started to think how to explain periods to someone who never had them. So let's start with facts.

Periods usually start when a girl is 10 to 15 years old and they last until the same girl is already a lady with a fine age of 45 to 50 years. This means thirty to forty years of bleeding roughly once a month. That's around 400 periods in one lifetime. Imagine that. That's 400 cups of blood and other more gross stuff. The amount of pain many women suffer cannot even be measured. Imagine you would drink gasoline every 20 to 35 days and then let it burn in you for 5 to 7 days. And then imagine you open your agenda or calendar or whatever you use for planning something in the future. Nope, you can't go to a beach vacation that time because you have to drink the gasoline. Oh look at that, your birthday and gasoline days are in the same day, what fun. Don't even think of babysitting those preschoolers that day, you know how agitated you get before the gasoline drinkin' time. Yes, your stomach is full of burning gasoline but that's no excuse to skip work so suck it up and get going! And you do this constantly. Daily.

And then there's the whole pads/tampons/mooncup thing. The cost of them and what to do with them. Is there a trash can somewhere, is it taken out frequently enough, when do I have time to boil this cup, has this tampon been there for how many hours or will I get TSS. And don't get me started on all the damn dogs who wants to sniff my crotch ffs.

Everything has two sides. So does periods. I can't explain the pain nor the nuisance of periods but at the same time I can't explain how good it feels when you're in pain and a warm purring cat lays on your tummy happily comforting you. I can't explain the feeling of knowing that I can bear children. My body is capable of making new humans into this world and because of that miracle I have periods.

But all the chicks already knew all that. Let's move on to the things you might not know. First of all, because the cycle is not 30 days to everyone and not every month has 30 days, periods don't always come on the same date. That doesn't mean they're late. Also that is a good reason to mark them down every time, not just for the crotch poking doctor who will ask about them. And if you're sexually active you are easily alarmed about pregnancy.

The biggest reason for missing periods is pregnancy. There are other reasons too. Stress, weight loss, weight gain, overweight, underweight (is that even a word?), hormonal contraception, violently exercising and so on. Apparently untreated celiac disease is one possibility too. Tumors and diseases can make them stop coming entirely. One weird month is okay they say, but if you skip two periods, really really go see a crotch poking doc.

Blood contains iron and because the blood is exiting your body, the iron goes with it. This means you can get anaemic which is why it's important to eat properly. If you're tired, pale and get sore muscles it might mean you have clotting problems in your blood and it's yet again time to go see the doc. There are lots of ways to reduce pain while on periods. Drinking lots of water can help with the pain as should regular pain medication. Moving around helps too. I remember once I woke up at six in the morning and was afraid I would wear out the rug for walking in circle for hours. But it did help #noregrets.

You can get pregnant during periods but it's very unlikely. They say there are no "safe days" and it's true. There are also no 100% guaranteed contraception. To reach 100%, I'm pretty sure you have to use at least two different methods. Maybe then it's one in the million and you know what Terry Pratchett says when the chance is one in the million...

I googled "periods late not pregnant" just now and got 32,400,000 results so it's safe to say I'm not alone with this problem. Though the professionals say that if you miss your periods, always assume you're pregnant first. It's like shoot first, ask later.

Easiest way to notice we're all individuals is ask them about their bodily functions. There are loads of similarities but no two of a kind. There are as many different types of dicks as there are guys and same goes for vaginas. Male circumcision can be a choice of beauty and there is a similar thing for women. Some (especially porn stars) have their labia surgically altered to match the beauty standards of society. This is yet again TMI but if I ever went through plastic surgery, that's probably the thing I would. But why, you ask, no one can even really ever see it. One day I will tell you, fine reader, but let's not be too personal after all.

Hopefully with this monologue I managed to tell something new about the beautiful female reproduction system to both genders without making anyone too grossed out.

Who's the biggest fool of them all?

 Welcome to the year 2015!

 

I haven't felt very happy the past few days. I see the shadows of past lingering too close again. I've taken too much responsibility and now my trial is to survive all of them. I know I should give up something to make room for breathing but I can't do that. I can't break my promises, commitments and there are people who depend on me. Like I told my friend, I just need to get my shit together. Even if it kills me.

Sitting at home in the darkness of the winter is not good for the soul, trust me. I forget to eat or I forget that I've already eaten. I don't sleep and when I manage to fall asleep finally, I have weird nightmares. I feel like crying most of the times and I just keep going over all the things I should've done and I still need to do. Thank goodness I have to go back to work soon! I know I will feel better when I do something meaningful and not just dwell on my own misery. Usually this time of the year I plan my next trip so there's something wonderful to look forward. This year I think it's best if I don't book a flight before my latest trip has been paid. I started my new year by cutting a credit card in half. Still I'm not worried about finances, as long as I have a job and live responsibly, there's nothing to worry about. And with the money I've had I've paid such wonderful things that it would be foolish to regret any of them.

What I worry is that I've started to fall back on old thoughts. I've had a bit more interaction with people from my earlier years and they haven't changed. I have to believe I have and stay strong. At least this time I noticed what they were doing during and not after. This time I'm not going to be stupid enough to fall for bullying, I will held my head up high and know that I'm better than what they think of me. But it's hard when people I thought were my friends have no respect, it really hurts. I shouldn't let things get to me. I won't let them get to me.

Some things are meant to be left behind. I'm not very good at dealing with stuff so I usually just brush them off and carry on. The problem is that sometimes I make the mistake of looking back. When something reminds me of something bad or something good that I've lost... it's a slippery slope.

 I've started Pinterest'ing and mostly roam around there reading quotes and other silly sentences. As you've might already notice, I like inspirational little pictures a lot. I'll spam you guys with few of my new findings. Maybe they'll provoke some thoughts or bring back memories in you as they've done for me. But first, a song (I can't believe I'm linking this artist again):

When I can't sleep at night, I start to build castles in the clouds to keep the bad thoughts away.

Have you ever had the feeling that you shouldn't feel that way towards someone? Or that s/he is not an ideal match but you can't help but having butterflies in your stomach? Or that you would do very stupid things for another person?

This is not just about letting yourself go for love, but I think this is one of the reasons why smart people don't have children (watch Idiocracy, seriously).

 I think this one is more about love than anything else. I'm not good at letting go and flying on the wings of emotions and I need to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to let go.

After I heard my friend say something bad about my other friend and then I saw this, I felt like shit.

One morning was particularly bad but this helped me to get through it. I'm not religious but I guess I believe in some kind of faith or destiny or some sort of supernaturalistic force.

 This I think is pretty self explanatory. And simple. Good thing there's usually more than one door so even if the front door is blocked, there's still way out from the back door.

And this. It's a wall of text and not the best grammar but it's worth to read.

I know you might think I have a horrible taste in music, and it's probably true, but as everyone else I listen to it for the certain kind of feeling I get from it. So here's one more from my top (your bottom) list to enjoy:

And if an angel comes my way, I'm gonna try to catch her - if I can
Do anything to get her to stay. Baby, that's the way I am.
You can call me stupid, say I should give you up but I can't do it.
No matter what you do I'm hanging on and on and on.
Don't, don't ask me why I stay, don't say I could do better.
Hey it's just a little rain and we can't get much wetter.
Let me hold you when you cry, just let go and close your eyes.
No matter what you do I'm hanging on and on and on.

Yet again not the best grammar but it's not like I should be even talking about that subject. But I've already accepted I'm weird and a fool, your judgement means nothing to me. Can you look in the mirror and say the same? I think I'm not the only fool around here since this blog has over 4000 views. Thank you all for reading and witnessing my 1,5yr of singleness! I'm not (unfortunately) done with this sillywilly-ness yet.

Lemme marry you, pls

Have you ever listened a happy upbeat song, felt like dancing and then started to listen to the lyrics and realised it might not be such a happy song after all. Like the song Happy I cannot listen to anymore because it's not really very happy song. Another example would be this:

It's not about "I have waited all my life for this moment and now I can finally marry the most beautiful woman in the whole world". Oh no. It's more like "damn chica, we're so wasted and I'm bored so let's hitch, pls, and regret it in the morning".

But at least it's heterosexual. The sanctity of marriage, and whatnot. Ya know...

I don't know if you've seen this pic yet.

Like few people in the social media has commented on this: we must be doing something right if we get this reaction.

Though we're not there yet. The legislation passed one vote and it is pretty surely gonna pass the whole thing, but I wouldn't jizz in my pants just yet. Registration of a relationship (what a bullshit term) has been legal in Finland for a while but now the people wants all sexualities to have same rights for marriage.

"What about the sanctity of marriage!", the christian cavemen yell. I don't really get that point. How will your marriage be less anything if other people can get married too. What does it matter what sex the other people are? It's not like food you distribute to all and it would taste the same to everyone. "I think your chocolate tastes bad and that's why my chocolate tastes bad too!" *rolls eyes* When asked why can't other than heterosexual couples get married one member of parliament said "Because they just can't". Waw, my goddaughter who hasn't even started school yet could argue better than you, sir. Your input to this country is indispensable.

"What about the children!" and this is a bit better argument. I'm pretty sure it's already proved that the children of gay couples have it good because they are mostly wanted children. "The kids will be bullied at school!", probably will yes. But don't you think we could make a change on how the kids view the world by showing them that it's o.k. to be different? If we accept, it would be easier to our children to accept too. This might take some casualties and that's why I think it's almost a valid concern towards the new legislation.

Bad people can get married. Good people can get married. My future (probably) heterosexual marriage won't be any less because someone else gets the basic human rights to love another people. To legally love their spouse and their children. Why is that too much to ask?

If there is a god, and that god is good, he/she has probably had something to do with different sexualities. The free will you were given was not to harm others but to spread the love. I can't believe that people who think a book is holy that's halfly about a man who did everything he could to break the social norms in order to spread the love to everywhere still somehow can say that the same book is against equal marriage rights. Haven't you learnt anything in the past, I don't know... two thousand years?!

/endofmorninggrumpiness

The silence of noise

Have you ever noticed how many songs and poems talks about "the silence in me"? I've never understood that really. There's never silence inside, not even in the most peaceful moments. The serenity doesn't bring me silence, it's just different kind of sound. When I'm sad, there's rain or thunder in my mind. When I'm happy, there's laughter and a beat. There's always some kind of voice, sound or noise in my head.

I think it's because I come from a big family, I've always lived in a busy city and close to ocean. Even when it's quiet there has always been the sound of wind in my ears. Silence is a sign of danger to me. If something or someone goes quiet, I automatically assume something is wrong. Did the machine just broke down? Why isn't he suddenly answering anymore, did something happen? They say that no news is good news, when we live in this time and age, the sudden stop of news is alarming.

I know there will be a day when even my mind goes quiet. I'm not afraid of that day. I think it will bring me peace from all this chaos in my mind. I'm not saying I have a wish for death, no sirree. I'm pretty happy as it as. Not always, of course, I have loads of gloomy moments. But with all the sorrow and ache, I still wouldn't change the disorder of the sounds of my mind to blankness. I'm nowhere ready to stop talking to my good old friend, darkness.

A friend of mine said he doesn't think in any language. His thoughts are more of ideas than words and sentences. In my head there's always words. Sometimes in English, mostly in Finnish, but it's always the same: a conversation I go over in my head with myself. I divide the activity of my mind into thoughts and feelings. Thoughts talk, feelings are more primal and more close to an idea. I'm starting to sound like a schizophrenic... Though I've always said I have 52 personalities plus one joker.

A friend of mine posted this to me the other day. I've seen it before, but it never loses its power for being reposted.

It's not about how loud it is in there. It's about what the voice tells you.

Who's next?

There has been a lot of talk about bullying in the Finnish social media lately. It happens every year around the time schools start. I've read horrible stories this year. Stories that makes me doubt if I would've survived such. The name calling and afflicted physical pain are one thing but the feeling of living in fear... How can someone survive it? And then become a productive member of society.

I don't think I've ever witnessed bullying in the schools I've been. I heard rumours in gymnasium, but I didn't see it myself. I do remember some name calling here and there, and once I remember the one who was being called names having to drag me away from the name caller because I kinda wanted to give a piece of me. A big chunk of me to be exact.

Now. That story makes me sound like one of the good guys. But don't believe it. We all want to look good and make ourselves seen as the heroes, the angels. Nobody wants to be the villain, nobody wants to admit we've made mistakes. I think that might be one root of the problem, it's okay to be the bullied one. It's no longer showing weakness, it's showing courage to be able to announce you survived that. And it's a good thing that way.

But who are the bullies? Where did they come from? In the social conversation there are only victims, no villains. And now I'm starting to sound like I'd been a bully - isn't life funny. Fear not, if you'd know me at all, you'd know I'm too nice and too sweet for that kind of thing. And I'm not stupid. I might be afraid; I'm quite scared of physical pain which makes it damn hard to intervene if I see something that would require someone to be in the between and stop it. The feeling of helplessness is something that carries with me probably all my life.

I do have my Hulk moments too. When I start to get really angry, I can easily get physical too. It's not so easy to make me blindly angry, though I'm grumpy all the times. (Especially in the mornings.) So I'm not a bully, never been a bully. I never been bullied either. I have some scars of being called fat and the table breaking under me when I was sitting on it. People teasing that I don't sing the right notes. Tickling in the hallway so much that it's just not funny anymore. But kids are kids, it's impossible to stop all of those things. I don't even want to know what would happen to those kids anyway. We want to protect the next generation, but they still need valuable experiences to learn.

I think the line is crossed when the teased starts to be afraid. Afraid of going to school. Being afraid of losing lunch money, a backpack, new shoes. Thinking there's nothing but pain. Thinking nobody cares. That's the point it shouldn't reach.

What no one is pointing out is that not getting involved can leave scars too. Once in the subway (or metro as we call it here) there were two girls who were mean to another girl. Luckily there was a man who intervened and made the two girls stop. The girls seemed familiar, I used to hang out with people like that. What I still regret after these years is that the two girls and the one girl who was clearly afraid left the subway on the same stop. I should've left too and go check if everything was okay. I still wonder what happened and how that one girl managed. Did she make it home?

My boyfriend from time when I was just becoming an adult, broke a bone in his hand intervening a fight where five men where kicking one guy who was already down on the street. I don't think this bf of mine ever regretted it, no matter how much pain he was in. He has as many screws in his hand now as there were men beating him and his friends, to remind him of that night. He did the right thing and he should be proud of it.

We are scared for ourselves and scared to make things worse by intervening. But we all know it's not going to get better if we don't do anything. We should find out what makes some people bully. We should teach our kids to be tougher so they wont get bullied and we should stand up for those who are not in a position to do it for themselves. Because two beavers are always better than one.

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone or diminish anyone's pain. I had more to say about the matter but because I'm so damn busy lately I have to run to work now. Have a great day!

Love, lust, desire

There's a lot of talk about harassment in Facebook. Unfortunately the conversation that inspired me to write this post today is in Finnish. Let me sum it up for you English speakers. The points made were:

- Every woman has been harassed at some point of their life.
I have couple of those stories but I think the worst was when I didn't greet this one guy I passed on the street. It was a national holiday and he wanted me to wish him happy whatever back. When I didn't, he started to follow me and it ended in me slamming the front door of the apartment building I used to live in shut right in front of him. I think it's the feeling of helplessness that makes it worst. All I could do was run, if he'd catch me, there wouldn't be a thing I could've done to prevent him to hurt me - or worse.

- Sex is everywhere and yet it's considered to be something nasty, dirty and meant behind the closed curtains.
A lot could be done if people were more open about it and talk more about sex and sexuality.

- Loving yourself will help you to love others.
If you respect yourself, it's easier to respect others too. When we try to look for some kind of salvation from outside ourselves, we'll never be satisfied.

- When we mix love with need, we're in trouble. One guy in FB is quoting Jen Erasmith saying that we consider the message "I need you" as a romantic note.
Instead we should be saying "I love you. I don't need you, but I love you." and not confuse needing something sexual with loving someone. I know few young lads who think they love me when they clearly just need me. I don't mind being needed, it gives me the a sense of having a purpose in this world. But I am somewhat offended when they say they love me in a romantic way, because to me the need of me is so clear and the romantic love is nowhere to be seen.

- The original author which sparked the conversation claims that every woman wants to be taken with force. She says that this is a fantasy we replicate by leaving with a strange man knowing he could do anything he wanted to us.
I think this is rather dangerous claim. I'm not saying it's far fetched, because of course it's intriguing to think that someone finds you so desirable they just can't help what they do. But the danger lies in claiming this to be true for every woman. It gives the assaulter a reason, "she wanted this". Still, I agree that in the end we all want to be hit in the head with a club and be dragged to the cave. But I think this goes to men and women both. We all want to be wanted, needed, desired and loved. It's not really a surprise - and I'm fairly certain shouting that every women wants to be taken forcefully is not going to help the situation.

What caused this conversation was this clip:

The next clip YouTube suggested me was this:

At the very end of the last clip you can see quite genuine look of frustration in his face. The one I think most of us women know all too well. The look of "gtf out of my face".

Three clips, first explains the problem, second brings it to everyday life and third one seeks out the instant solution. I like the "What would you do?" -videos because they restore some of my faith in humanity.

I always say that we here in Finland are more okay with nudity because of sauna, but I think we don't know how to handle provocative clothes. If a woman walked on the street without any clothes, she'd possibly be left alone more than a woman with a shortshortskirt and an itsybitsytop. I used to think we Finns are like dwarfs: you are not suppose to tell apart the women and men, we all look the same. The problem arises, not when we take our clothes off, but when we point out the differences in genders. Hard labour and tough surroundings are what makes us Finns, there's no time for that sissy-beautystuff.

If you point out that you're a sexual person with your clothes, your style, your words, your butt or your boobs, you become some kind of a target. You loose part of your own... humanity when you become a sexual being. A sexual being doesn't have the same rights as a human being. You become the reminder that we're all sexual beings.

You know the feeling when you do something stupid in the heat of the moment? Ever had sex without protection? Ever sent a cleavage pic or or a dicture to some pretty random person? Ever left the bar to have a one-nightstand? Have you ever let things go a bit too far just because you wanted... it. Not him or her. Not anything specific. Just overwhelmed with lust or desire or whatever you want to call it and that has clouded your judgement.

I don't know if suppressed sexual desires provokes men to whistle at women on the streets but I do agree that talking about sex and sexuality openly is a good thing. It can't do harm to know there are other perspectives and it's not like you can really know too much about sex. It's not just about sex we should talk about openly: It's also about menstruation, bowl movement, even sweating and anything that is perfectly normal, happens to everyone and is so connected to your body functions that you can't separate it from your mind.

I think part of the problem is that we try to separate things that are bound together. Sex is not only part of your body, it's part of your mind too. I think the issue when harassment happens, is that we forget that the body is not just connected to the mind but a part of it and vice versa. I don't agree that people who harass sees their targets as just objects, they do know they are humans. They just forget that body and mind are not separated. And I think we all should know this when starting anything sexual with anyone: you might not hurt the body, but you can do severe damage to the mind. What you do can be creepy if the other person doesn't respond with the same feelings.

Propaganda

In the deep dark depths of the interwebs I met a guy. He told me he is from Israel. After first bumbs on the road we seemed to get along fine. It was scary to talk to him in Skype and hear him say "Shit, I gotta go" and then hear the headset slam on the table and the sirens on the background. It's so hard to imagine being surrounded by war. Being scared all the time. Not just being scared for yourself but being scared for your family, your friends, your home, everything.

I have no idea what's going on there. I can't say I've ever really even cared about Middle East before this. I've never tried to understand what's going on and why. But when it comes closer to your personal space, someone you know is involved, it makes it more real.

My first thought about the conflict was "Didn't you kinda steal the land from someone?". I thought someone has to be the bad guy in this scenario. So I started to read up on stuff. First stop was of course wikipedia and that gave me some idea what Israel even is. I then watched some videos. Like this one:

And then I saw this one:

And then this letter from a Norwegian doctor and especially the comments. And then I saw crap load of pictures for example these.

Apparently Hamas kidnapped and murdered three Israeli boys and that's how all of this got started this time. It gave Israel a reason to attack back. The casualties are hundreds on Palestinian side and few dozens on Israeli side. I wonder why is it so different? Apparently Israeli houses are build to last through bombing, Isreal have good medical care and the Hamas rockets aren't really up to modern USA standards. Unlike Israeli. The financial aid given to Palestinians have apparently gone to somewhere else than building stern houses and hospitals for the people since they "live in shit and fear" like one of my friends commented the subject.

I like to stay out of political conflicts and to not even think about them much because they are so complicated. Looking at the pictures it's easy to see that this should stop. That Israel shouldn't keep attacking Gaza. But then I hear how Hamas keeps children on the rooftops of their houses to prevent Israeli army bombing them. And I hear some of the pictures are not even close to be taken from this conflict and that pictures from other horrors are just used as propaganda. But then I think about how the nation was found in the first place in the middle of Arabic countries and the decision was made by someone else than the people who lived on the land. But then I remember it was the after math of holocaust. I don't know if there's a genocide happening now and for some reason I'd like something to be done to the circumstances of North Korea more than this but it's easy to see that killing people shouldn't be the answer to anything.

(credit @kmarikat)

The nasty part of a war is that both parties will want to bash the other side. And they will teach this to their children because they can remember the fear that war brings. But we as the outsiders should try to look at the whole thing and try to get past the

So I don't know who is right or wrong. If there even is answer to that. The most important thing is to look at this from both sides, see both sides of the story. And most of all, try to understand. Because there has to be some sense in all of this. There has to be. Right?