I want to thank you for the few (private) messages I got after the last post. Though I'm afraid some of you were too hasty and didn't read the last sentences... I would like to publicly announce that I'm fine. And not the lie fine, just regular fine. I find it interesting how worried some people can get when I tell them that I just don't feel it right now.
I hope it has something to do with my personality and not with society. Being an old-maid should be a lot cooler these days than a couple of decades ago. I'll be damned if I have friends who thinks I should force it just because. It shouldn't be that alarming if I'm not into the opposite sex (or same sex, or sex in general) right now. We're back to the Disney-aspect of a woman's life: our life mission is to find the prince. And there's just so much more to life than that. At least I'd like to think so.
When I was writing the last post I was thinking the whole time "I had more to say, what was it". Because I couldn't remember the post ended up to be pretty... amputated. Few hours after that I found my notes. Here's what I had written down, and I'm not gonna explain them more because... what's the fun in that.
He did have an impact on me/my life. Why am I not allowed to mourn that? Why do we have to be brave and pretend not to be vulnerable? I wouldn't be sad if I hadn't liked him, and what's the point of being with someone if you don't like them. I mean, that's why I got dumped.
"Dreams can make you happy if you really let them."
"We can make the world go wrong."
"Words are very unnecessary, they can only do you harm."
How much potential wasted? How many singers,
sirens, songwriters, poets? Because they are too afraid to be on stage
or they can't read, ect?
Literally start to smell the roses.
"Make sense, not love."
"I'm alive, but I'm alone."
Women watch romantic comedies like it's porn.
Once I was innocent.
Miscarriage is like a breakup.
There might be more than you believe.
What is your superpower? What would you want your superpower to be? What would it be based on your character as a human being? Is there a difference between those two?
There's a mellow word inside myself.
"Open your eyes and you'll see: your eyes are open."
Solitude.
Some of those might not make any sense, but that's what you missed because I'm not an organised person.
It's 7am and I'm listening to my newly-made playlist of 00's hits. I want to link you a song from that list, but I think linking Paris Hilton's Stars Are Blind might be a bit too cruel. Even Crazy Frog would be kinder. So this is the blast from the past you deserve:
You know the feeling when you're supposed to do like a million things, but you can't start even a single one? And the more you think how much you should do and how little time you have, the less you get done? Yea, I'm in that place. It's First World Problems, I know. I lack motivation in every area. I failed my last module and I should rewrite it, but the thought of failing it again cripples my fingers on the keyboard. This was my first fail in university and I managed to graduate as a bachelor before this happened. It'll be an avalanche if I don't get this done, and I know that, but still I can't start writing. My body is a cage, and so is my mind.
My motivation is not the only thing crippled. I think the last adventure with the heart was the last drop. Not the final drop, just the last for the time being. Inside my ribcage it's numb and quiet. Silence that I haven't heard in years. It's not only that "i don't feel like it", it's that I don't feel it. He was the thing that broke the camel's back. He left me speechless.
But where does the brokenhearted, the damaged souls, the cripples, go? Where can they find people who understand, who wants to be there for you as much as you'll be there for them? Where you can find same-minded people, the ones who won't judge you based on your looks, your mannerism, what do you do in life, how old you are, or what you're supposed to be? Where can you find people who have scars and wounds, who are special, disabled and lame, just like you?
No idea actually. We're all individuals so I doubt there are people who knows exactly what you're going through. I get my peer support from the guild in World of Warcraft, you have to find your own place. It felt like returning home after a long time of adventures. It was weirdly natural to take my place as the guardian of the mailbox again. Being with old and new friends warms my heart. My icy cold, rejecting and judging heart. Outside world is too cluttered for me right now.
If this world hasn't taught me anything else, it's that none of us are free. We're all crippled with fears, prejudices, our bodies, our mind that thinks too much or doesn't think at all. Some of us are unable to love and some of us love too much. We think we can't do the things we want to do or be the person we would like to be, because of a seed of doubt in our mind. How long do you have to keep repeating to yourself that you're a good person and you deserve good things until you start to believe it?
I wish I had more words, more witty blogposts, more energy, more love, more heat, just overall more to give, but I don't. What I have is a broken keyboard, no money, a messy apartment, weird sense of humour and a thirst for chocolate. But I can share from those, any takers?
The song of the day could be any of the ones in cursive, but because there are no words, let the song be without them too.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's good to be silent, good to be without words. Maybe then I can hear the rythm, hear a beat of a heart. I just need to listen carefully.
So let us have a moment of silence for the passing winter. Let the spring come.
The thing with successful blogging is consistency and I don't really have it. Also my keyboard is sticky even after cleaning it so writing hasn't been a priority lately. I've been scheming with three different topics but haven't come to any conclusion on what should I write. So I will write about all of those three. In one post. Bare with me. And hopefully this will make up for the long silence.
I've worn only few different perfumes in my life. I started with vanilla, changed it to the smell of fresh seawind, then I got a bottle of Chanel and I haven't looked back since. Until few weeks ago I bought some cosmetics and the clerk gave me a sample of a new perfume. I tried it and it smelled nice so I wore it one day. It felt so weird to smell like something else, like I was someone else. It's not so odd changing shampoo, I don't have to smell like kids chewing gum all the time, but when the strongest fragrance is different than I'm used to, I keep hearing in my head the lyrics of a song "the scent of a woman was not mine".
When I was still in England, I was kinda bored at some point. I already knew at that point I was coming back home soon so I decided to see the meat market in Finland and I changed my location in Tinder to home. I found this funny guy and he found me. We chatted for three weeks before I finally landed in the same country. We met the very next day I had arrived which was a bit weird because I was crashing at my ex's couch the first week. I got keys to my new apartment in the beginning of February but because of many reasons, I wanted to come home sooner. England was not kind to me.
The first date went well and so did many after that. When we didn't have time to meet and the days passed, it felt hard and we both missed each other. Or so he said. One day little less than a month into dating I had been sick and we finally met on a Sunday. He was a bit cranky but nothing serious. The next day he sent me a message in the morning that maybe it's not wise for us to meet that day since he needs time to think things over. Later that day he sent me another message asking if I was at home. I said I was and he asked if he could call me. Oh fuck here it comes, was my initial thought and I was right. He started the phone call by "I don't wanna do this over the phone, but...". He lives 20 minutes away and he decided to dump me on the phone.
That phone call didn't last long, mostly because my phone decided I didn't want to hear what he had to say. After he couldn't hear me, but I could hear him, I sent him a message saying that he shouldn't call me back because there's nothing more to say. If he's just not that into me, then he isn't. Not much I can do or say to change his mind. I know I'm great and if he didn't see him, it's sad but not fixable. My girlfriends thought it was ball-less to dump me over the phone, but I reduced his sentence by giving him credit for saying it straight. At least he had the guts to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. I've never been really dumped before and I appreciate this experience as well as other ones in my life. Now I know how it's like. I should've talked with him more than "We're too different" because now I'm obsessing about what went wrong, did I do something and such. I guess that's given with all break-ups.
I don't think we were too different, but I guess he was looking for something else. And he did have balls, I can vouch for that. I saw them, and they felt nice. The only problem I really had was the way he commented his... well, the thing right next to the balls. It wasn't huge, yes. But he knew how to work it and I'm going to miss being naked with him. But I miss being naked with many other guys too so I think I can live with this longing. It's reassuring to know there really is good sex out there and it's not just a myth or imagination.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how we are so worried when we're young about the first time we're gonna have sex. We're worried about losing our virginity and we still wonder how the first time affects our lives. We spend a lot of time thinking about our old mistakes and regretting bad sex we've had. But how often do we stop to think when is going to be our last time we have it. What if you died to day, how was your last time? What is going to be your final fuck? If I died right now, I could go knocking on the gates of heaven (or maybe it would be hell) happy about the fact that my final fuck was worth to remember for at least few first decades of eternity.
I was supposed to round up a collage of pictures for all the smoochies out there for valentine's day but I was too busy dating. Now I regret that the time passed and I have so many of them saved and I missed my chance. If I'm still writing a blog next year, the collection will be huge so you better start preparing for it already. Someone once said that my blog is hard to read with all the quotes in between, but I like them and I'm not going to change it. Though I was thinking of doing a vlog instead of blog at least once. Right now my new place is not properly staged for that so it has to wait until I'm fin(n)ished furnishing.
Just few weeks I was complaining to my friends that I have too much free time in my hands and that I should maybe get a hobby. Today was my only day off from work and I spent it by stopping by the university in three offices and checking my emails at home. I ended up putting post-it's on my wall so I can remember all the things I should do. It's busy at work and I have four essays to write before summer. Plus all the other things like going to museums, theatre, parties, to see standup... After being dumped I found myself in a weird situation that there's nothing going on in my lovelife. I don't like anyone and I'm not even really interested in anyone. Which is a good thing, because I don't have time for any of that love-crap! Who has time for dating when there's work (that I love to do), studying (that I love to learn) and fixing up my (new fabulous bachelorette) pad. It's about time I focus on myself, and mr. Small-balls gave me the opportunity to do so and I thank him for that.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not desperate enough for dating. I don't appreciate everything and the older I get the harder it gets to change for someone else. I might sleep with people, but I don't spend the night with them. And I think that bothers some of the people I've been dating in the past couple of years. I like the way I do things, and of course that is the right way to do things. I'm set in my ways and I'm not so keen on having just anyone in my life to make compromises. I think that's why the getting dumped part hurt me this much because I was slowly getting ready to give in, maybe quit smoking and sleep over and such.
I once chatted with this israeli guy over the wonderful world of internet, and he was sure we should be together. He was like a decade younger than I am and we were in different countries. As tempting the idea was, it was also ludicrous. He was talking about moving to where I am just after few weeks of chatting and never meeting me in person and that reeks desperation. I am willing to make sacrifices and maybe for some guy I would be willing to move to another country, but not that easily. For the perfect guy I would be willing to overlook weird stuff and give up some of my weirdness, but that guy hasn't yet walked past me. Or maybe he has and I have been too busy with the wrong guy, who knows. Over all it's a whole mess. And despite the whole mess, I'm still happier than ever. I think for me happiness is being productive, helpful and needed. And life is offering so much of that right now. Thankfully.
I had a terribad christmas holiday. I was sick and I felt lonely and angry for being away from the ones I love. And then in need of a lot of chocolate, if you know what I mean. It was a miserable New Years because I had nothing to do. My advise to you is that if you're considering moving abroad, do it for the whole year. The four months for me is just too short to build a life and make friends. What's the point of making deeper connections since you're going to lose them so soon and maybe forever.
So I did what I do. I browse internet. Comment here and another there. Next thing I know dickpics in my inbox are on the rise. This time I even got a video and a gif. My first ever dick-gif, btw. I've also spent a lot of time talking about why do guys send pictures of their junk. They sometimes ask something in return and when I decline, they still send pictures of themselves. Some wants to show off, some are insecure about themselves and needs reinforcement, some do it for the excitement. Today one guy told me that he sent me a dickpic because he was feeling blue and it made him feel better. That it made him feel like he was interacting with someone. That almost broke my heart. And what a weird feeling looking at a picture of him after that...
I wish I could show you what kind of pics I get. Some guys are very creative about it. They have something for scale next to it, they have different clothes, different backgrounds, different postures and point of views. It's quite interesting. I think I've mentioned this before but my interest in dickies is not sexual. I tried to explain to one guy I was once dating that I could have a folder of bunnypics instead, it would have the same effect. They are nice to look at, they can be funny, they are different and they can even be artistic. There are as many different dicks in the world as there are guys. Maybe after few decades I print them out and have an art show, who knows.
I almost deleted the folder because of that guy who didn't understand why I had it and why I would want to keep it. After that I've tried to be more open about it and tell about my little hobby in the beginning. If it scares the guy away, good riddance. Then it definitely wasn't the one for me. I was bored when I was sick so I decided to invest in entertainment and I bought one month worth of subscription of Tinder so I could move my location to home and see what kind of market there is. There are some potential people, I had forgotten how good Finnish guys looks. In England there are gorgeous guys and then fugly guys, nothing in between it feels like. In Funland there are plenty of guys that might not be drop-dead-gorgeous but certainly a sight for sore eyes.
So I've been chatting. The main question has changed from "How do you like England?" to "Where the hell are you when this says we're 1660 kilometres away!". The most difficult question so far has been "What do you do for fun?". Umm.. I... Play video games... and shake my booty... I really need a solid hobby that gives me a good answer to that question. Pimping my online dating profile by actually doing stuff, best plan ever! I was asked what sub-category I represent as a geek. I didn't know what to answer, but after talking with my sister who was visiting me here, I came to the conclusion that I'm a social geek. Everything I do involves other people somehow. I couldn't even name one single-player game I play. This revelation made me feel more normal than in years.
And I think I struck some kind of goldmine again. I know, I know, I've said this before. That's why I'm very cautious this time. But fuck he is funny. And similar to me, but not too much. Chatting with him is so easy. But I have to wait weeks until I get to meet him and possibly be disappointed. I feel like I'm one foot back home already. I should take it easy but I also kinda just want to enjoy the ride. Failure is likely anyways so why not make the best out of it? He doesn't even care about my d-file! I'm screwed, aren't I?
Other thing that worries me is that now that I'm going home, I might have time for an actual relationship. When that thought hit me, I almost panicked. I'm not ready! I have so many (stupid) singlelife-things to do! Never in my life has commitment scared me before, I guess I've been flying solo for long enough to appreciate it. It would be so... karma if it would happen now. My life is in order and I've started to focus on other stuff. Considering how much I complain about not finding The One... ahh women, amirite? Well, he just needs to read this blog and then I'm off to new adventures again. Maybe I'll kiss a girl. Or even two people at the same time. Why is life so confusing?
It's that time of the year again. New year, old tricks. I wasn't gonna post a NY rant, but then I saw something in the deep dark corners of the interwebs and I decided the world needs another motivational post from yours truly. This is the image I came across:
I was staring at this longer than I'd like to admit. I did that. I literally did that last year.
Remember last time on the NY post I made I promised quite a lot of things:
2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to
the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who
would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my
life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark
moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.
I have been even happier in the year 2015. The dark times have been ever more rare and the good times have flown higher. I stopped talking to people who makes me unhappy because I have more self-respect.
I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more,
to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more
understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to
listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile.
I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all
of this to everyone.
I still have work to do with the whole receiving bs, but I have been more open about situations that makes me uncomfortable. I have gained more wisdom and mainly it has come through new friends and new places. My old friends have thought me great deal too, mostly about myself, goodness in people and strength. I have appreciated smaller things in life and heard so many birds sing that sometimes I want to cry for joy.
I've learned so much. About myself and the world. I've found courage in me that I thought didn't even existed. I've been so blessed, so unbelievably lucky. Sometimes I wait for the sky to fall down because it's hard to believe I deserve any of this. I'm still single and I might not have kissed everyone I wanted, but I have broaden my view on men in general. I have defined my heritage and proved to myself that I'm not a racist. I'm childishly curious about other cultures and people, but I have no hatred towards anyone. This is really stupid, but I had a goal to kiss a black man in the summer. Summer went and passed before I reached my silly goal, but I did it finally. And what I learned about that was that men are pretty much the same.
I mean, there are different personalities in all of us, but the color of ones skin doesn't change a man (or a woman). The only thing different is that taking selfies together is hard depending on the lighting and the contrast of the colors is beautiful. (I'm probably one of the whitest people in the world and my tone against dark chocolate looks amazing. Funny side note though: I burned my back on 4th of July and I still have the tanline. That's not so pretty and mainly just awkward. For the year 2016 I hope to get rid of that or I can never be nekkid with anyone again.)
I shaved my head and it's slowly growing back. I miss my hair dearly when it's windy but I also like the new style. Rockin' it! I also got on to a plane and moved to another country for few months. It has been scary in so many levels and I have crazy respect for those who has come to study with me from other countries and especially outside Europe. With my English skills it has been struggling so I can only imagine how it is for those who understands even less. It has been a great experience and again I've learned so much. But I still can't wait to go home. There's a little apartment with my name on it waiting for me and I will finally live alone. Can't wait to decorate it and have people over for sleepovers and pillowfights and whatnot. Probably gonna spend the first week dancing naked and cooking and showering in the night.
What I didn't do from the list in the pic is take my own life. I haven't even thought about it. Few weeks ago I was pretty sure I'll die because I was so sick, and what a satisfying feeling it was to think "if I don't wake up from this sleep, it's okay. I have had an amazing life so far and I have no big regrets."
Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more,
travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my
friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night bonfire and
maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a
freaking raisin every goddamn winter.
I danced more but I want to dance even more. I sang more, but I'm going to sing even more. I loved more, but not romantically. I laughed more and smiled more and I'm going to keep on doing that. I traveled more but this year I hope I'll be able to travel outside Europe and see how the world is elsewhere. I will work harder and give my best because I want to be the best. Now that I have a laptop and will have an apartment just for myself there is definitely gonna be more gaming. I really want to make snow angels, but the damn winter is not coming soon enough! Ice skating is also on the list and cross-country skiing. I'm still looking for the lotioner and the love of my life. I have a feeling this won't be the year it will happen either, but at least I can have so much fun searching.
It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this
path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but
otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so
loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had
true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would
overflow.
I've learned new skills the past year and that is something I hope to achieve this year too. This year I would like to learn to be more confident and more okay with my own skin. I want to be less selfish when it's possible, and more selfish when it's necessary. I want to own less material possessions.I want to make more meaningful things in my life. I want to gain good reputation and have my own opinions. I want to taste new foods and I want to cook more. I want to enjoy more music and other kind of arts. I want to have more deep conversations, but I also want to have more fun and be more jolly. I want to be afraid of not trying. And the most I want to waste less time.
For everyone I wish the new year would bring more self-respect, more loving yourself. More brighter days and less bad decisions. More strength and courage to know what's good for you and own it. I wish you'll find your passion and reach your ambitions. I wish less judgement for my countrymen and more cultural understanding. Less prejudices, but more Austen. The most I wish this year will be the best year so far and may the next be even better.
The song of the day is a mashup of the past year by DJ Earworm. Enjoy!
Sometimes it's the littlest things. He forgot to buy the milk again. He interrupted when you were trying to tell something important. He left his clothes on the floor. It takes forever for him to answer your texts. And even after years of those little things becoming big things and breaking you two up, he can still irritate the hell out of you with the smallest things.
My ex sometimes sends me holiday greetings. Usually it's once or twice a year, but if we have met, he becomes inspired to do that more often. I always invite him to my birthday party but he never shows up. This summer we met in a different event and after that he has regularly asked me how I am, complained how I missed his birthday and wished me happy independence day. Few days ago I got a message where he wished merry Christmas to me. And by me, I mean he called me by my real first name. A name that people uses in official occasions. The name I use at work and at uni because it would be too weird to call me by any of the nicknames my friends have given me. A name that none of my foreign friends can pronounce. A name that my ex has NEVER called me by.
I usually don't mind his messages, though I always feel like he wants something. This time I didn't give him even the usual polite answer. His message underlined how much of strangers we are to each other after these years. And when I say years, I mean it. He almost broke me and I left him. There should really be no reason why either one of us would want to hold on to any kind of relationship. His message rushed all the bad things, small and huge, in my mind: The last night we were together when he finally admitted he couldn't stop drinking and literally chose a can of beer over our relationship. The one night he didn't come home at all and I had to call through our friends to locate him. The times he came home without shoes or the times he passed out on the bathroom floor.
But the memory that kills me the most is from the time we had been together for few years and I was still in gymnasium (or high school if you wish). I got pregnant and I was very nauseous, and we both agreed to get an abortion. I wanted it because I was way too young and still in the middle of growing up myself. He was scared and maybe he didn't trust we'd stay together. First he said he wasn't going to come with me to the hospital because he had an exam coming up. That stung. And even after a decade it still stings. He did end up coming with me, a book in his hand. I threw up at the stairs of the hospital. I threw up the painkillers. It was scary and it would've been scary as hell if he hadn't been there.
Things were never the same between us after that but we still stayed together for four years. I have never really regretted making the decision of getting an abortion. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be now if I hadn't, because I really want kids one day. And every time I think about that, I come to the conclusion that my life would probably be something close to agony and torture. Yes, I would probably have the cutest 10-year-old ever, but I think that might be the only thing making me happy in this dystopia. I might have married my ex, he probably would drink even more, I wouldn't have started uni and I would have destroyed what's left of my wrists working uneducated in manual labour. I imagine a shitty, shitty life. And I'm so unbelievably happy and lucky right now. Even being childless and single, I feel so blessed. This is the better timeline.
So why does he keep sending me messages? What does he want? We all have those people in our lives whose contact seeking efforts makes us uncomfortable. The past lovers or the people we have turned down or the ones who have never got the courage to even ask, but we know they would want to.
We all have those people but we also all are those people. I can name three people from the top of my head who probably sees me that way. It's like you know how things really are, but you can't help yourself. You still dream things were different and even though you know your messages are not been received with open arms, you keep sending them.
I've always known I am one of those people but I never really realised before that I too have those people on my contact list. I think it's a confidence thing. I didn't think I could effect someone in that way. But why not? Why couldn't I make someones socks spin in their feet? I'm pretty cute when I want to and the loud sexuality in my silence must be intriguing for someone.
I get asked the weirdest things because of that loudness. This past month my friends assumed I have had a threesome because apparently I'm that kind of person. I took that as a compliment. Other friend asked me in what language I moan. I told him he'll get his answer by making me do so. That might have been a mistake... I can be very suggestive in my words but in real I'm pretty much as stiff as an icicle. Still I've been ranked as the naughtiest person (some) people knows and yes, I take that too as a compliment. But I wonder (more often than I would like to admit) if that's really true. I wish there was a site or a form you could pass on to your blanket-fort buddies and ask them to rate you. "On a scale 1-10, how normal was that to you?" That would probably be the only thing that would make me want to get in touch with most my past.
PS. Did you know that Finland has been ranked as the most promiscuous country in the world? There has been studies made at least in 2000 and 2008 that both said Finland is number 1. I find this hilarious in comparison of how quiet Finns are. You can read more from wiki, The Economist and BigThink.
PPS. After reading through what I've written, I find it odd how comfortable I am writing about personal things. Reading this makes me more uncomfortable thinking how much of a bitch I am for writing about someone else without asking a permission first than anything personal of my own. So, my dear Ex, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I wish all the best for you, you're not a bad person. We wouldn't have been together that many years if you were. I don't think we can really change who we are, but we can use more courage and be more ourselves with that bravery. There are some things I need to talk about and there probably are a lot of things you should talk about to someone. It's not too late for that. Good luck.
I've been so unbelievably homesick lately that I can't even. It doesn't help that I've had a headache the past three days, stressing for schoolwork and for going back home and ofc it's that time of the month. I took a pill for the headache, did some school stuff and bought some chocolate, so those things are covered, but there's not much I can do to homesickness. And add to that it's the independence day of Funland.
I miss home. I miss toilet doors that opens outside. I miss bus fares that are the same for any distance inside a certain region. I miss people automatically giving space to each other while walking on the street. I miss tap water that tastes good. I miss my own university and the level of education there. I miss familiar currency and familiar products at the store so I could do some kind of comparison without it taking forever. I miss knowing that I can speak my mind and knowing I have the words and the ability to explain what I mean without having to rush and leave things half way (I'm so much more witty in my native language). I miss knowing what's socially acceptable. But most of all I miss my friends and family. I miss being Finnish and not having to justify it to anyone.
It comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning. Tomorrow I'll probably be fine again and thinking that I don't ever want to go back home. So many things are good here and I love the freedom and anonymity that speaking a foreign language gives me. Though I easily swear in situations it's frowned upon, a thing that I would not do in Finnish. I'm having fun here and I love my new friends, they give me different kind of energy that I never thought I could have. I think I have already changed, but for the good and I'm somewhat scared to go back home. What if I fall back to my old ways? What if I don't fit in anymore? As if I ever fit in...
I've always been a bit more patriotic than the average friend of mine but being in a foreign country makes me appreciate my homeland in a very profound way. Clean water and clean air are amazing things. Forests and lakes. Our body-image. The bittersweet melancholy which gives space for happiness too. Free education, health care, dental. Electronic and technological advantages. The history we have. Ecological thinking. Equality and the sexual revolution. Honesty and politeness. The fact that we have a metal cover of so many songs and we have a metal band just for kids. There are so many things wrong in Finland but there are so many things right that it makes it the best country in the world.
I'm listening to Finnish songs and being all teary-eyed. We have a national anthem "Maamme -laulu" (our land's song) but we also had a great composer once, you might have heard of him, called Jean Sibelius who wrote the song Finlandia hymn. It was never meant to be sang but lyrics were made for it almost immediately and they're absolutely beautiful. This is that song performed by a choir and it was an ad for the presidential elections some time back.
The lyrics are touching, the song states that the day of Finland has finally arrived and the terror of the night has been driven away. It also says that Finland should hold its head high because it has shown the world that it has banished slavery and has not bend under oppression. Your morning has begun, Finland.
The times are tough in Finland like they are everywhere. Money is scarce and funding from cultural, educational and health care section are being pulled. There are a lot of worries about human rights, and immigrants and refugees. The discourse is loud - luckily. For both for and against, but at least we are talking about it. The best statement so far was made recently by a store chain with their ad:
The song is a classic and the lyrics gets new meanings with this ad and the people singing it. The lyrics goes something along these lines: He happened to be born innocent / to this northern and cold land / where already the ancestors drunk - of course / beat up their wives and children if they could catch them / the son wanted to escape from the traditional fate / "I won't ever buy an axe and I will never drink booze / or otherwise I will loose the house" / it drives a man in desperation / when the frost harvests the crops / from the middle of cold soil silently / a cold eye is staring / when the axe rises / in the middle of the mounds, from soil of the ground / proudly the fathers are watching their sons / unemployment, alcohol, an axe and the family / snow blanket, police and the last mistake... And so on. It's a very depressing song, but putting in this context it shows us that we're not different from the immigrants and the colour of your skin doesn't determinate that you can't have the same roots as I do.
Finland is traditionally seen as a white and blue country. White as snow, blue from the thousand lakes (or the coldness which makes us change colour from the captains of chalk ships to very unhealthy blueberries). The world is changing and so is Finland with it. I can only imagine the hardships those people go through who moves to Finland and I see it better every day now that I'm far away struggling myself with unfamiliar surroundings. Though I blend in in every Western country for being brown-haired and green-eyed, so one can't tell just by looking at me that I'm necessarily foreign. I've encountered enough cat-calling for being able to imagine what racism could be like, but I imagine it to be something much worse.
Today there's much more colour in Finland and that should be seen as a good thing. Learning about different cultures doesn't only teach us about the world, but it also makes us learn more about ourselves. Not looking beyond our own navel makes us narrow-minded in so many levels and thinking that our ways are the best makes us stand still. You are allowed to pick and choose the best for you and you are allowed to be yourself whatever that might be. It's not okay to break the law or not try living with the rules of the community, but as a person you should be what you are. It's hypocritical of us Finns to judge others when we consider being different a good thing. I know we bow to the Western culture and we want to be known and recognised but we still embrace our difference. Finnish culture wouldn't give up saunas even if rest of the world would criticise it. So why is it so hard to let others be what they want? Why do we think we're so superior and at the same time we have a huge inferiority complex.
Being away from home is hard. Many of my friends don't realise how much I would appreciate
hearing from them, talking to them in my mother tongue and just overall
being surrounded by familiar things even if it's through interwebs. I find solace in chatting with a friend who lives in a neighbouring country because I imagine he has gone through similar things as I have. He probably hasn't, but I like to relate even if it's just figure of my imagination. And he is one of the few people who pokes me from time to time asking me how it's going. I appreciate that. Though chatting with him is a bit dangerous - this is a person I've mentioned in the blog few times before and I would tell you guys the whole story if I didn't know he occasionally reads this. And on the note of men, I'd like to give an update on what's going on. But first a song to ease the transition.
I am tired of using technology and I need you right in front of me. Which means I'm quite tired of online dating. I miss feeling the rising tension of meeting your crush and I think online dating makes things too mechanical. I did have quite good experience just now: few so romantic dates that they are in my top5 along with the text message saying "the streets are flooding, can I call you?" and kissing at the airport right after meeting.
One of the best parts of him is that he has no idea how good looking he is. He told me that he has made some drastic changes in his life and he doesn't see how much good they've done for him. The worst part is that he has no space in his life and he doesn't realise how much that can affect another person. There's also cultural differences, me thinks, because as a Finn I appreciate punctuality a lot. I can be flexible but if you expect me to be that elastic outside the bedroom, it's not fun anymore.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in being friends first and dating later. Then you already know you're compatible and you know most of the things the other person does. With online or blind dating the connotation is always romantic or at least sexual first. There's some kind of touching of the skins before you really know the other person and then people rather do that than talk.
All the best -guy said the same thing as Dragonborn, and I think they're right. They both blamed me for attacking or pointing out the flaws in them. My friends have always told me I'm too judgemental and I guess that hasn't changed. I will think about this a lot and hopefully I'm able to change my ways because I don't want to be the person who keeps nagging. I think it has something to do with this:
But it's not just about romance. It's about everything. When I see greatness, I'm many times disappointed that the person doesn't see it himself and hasn't reached it yet. Perhaps pointing out the things would help them to realise those things and then help to reach them. It doesn't work like that, I know, and I have to stop doing that. This is why we need to date people that are compatible. Someone who knows you, knows what you mean when you do things, or say things, knows your tone of voice, knows the way you are and the way you act. Dating people blindly is tiresome; getting to know new people again and again in hopes that they will fulfil your hopes and dreams is exhausting.
At least I'm learning things about myself everyday. Both living abroad and dating are good ways to know more of who you are. I truly thank the people and the world for the feedback. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger . After few weeks when I go back home, I will be hard as a rock.
One more (Finnish!) song for the occasion. The lyrics say that you're finally starting to realise that you don't need permissions from anyone, that you're too beautiful to be ashamed and there's nothing to lose, so just let go, be beautiful, indecent and happy. That's truly what a strong independent Finnish woman should be.
