Baking extravaganza: Fluffy Pancakes

In my family pancakes used to always be the treat when the milk was going bad. Eating pancakes or well, more like crepes are specially good memories from childhood. And nothing beats a good pancake with some whipped cream and jam, nom! But I have modified pancakes so much that I don't think my mom would recognise them anymore. The oven made pancake that is on the list of recipes is a more traditional food. Very Finnish also. But my fluffy pancakes looks more like Hollywood versions, they're so big and fluffy.

I love traditional flavours. Something easy and simple is usually the yummiest. I think sushi is a good example of that. They can be easy and simple, but they can also be considered gourmet. But with my weird diet, it's sometimes hard to get the food to taste like it should. With these pancakes I kind of gave up. They don't taste like mom used to make them, but they taste wonderful. They don't need much sugar and I don't eat them with whipped cream and jam. The best part of them is that because the main ingredient is banana, they taste marvellous the next day and refrigerator cold.

Ingredients:
3 bananas
1 cup of flour
1 teaspoon of vanilla sugar
1 teaspoon of baking powder
1 teaspoon of psyllium
sugar
3 eggs
almond milk until the dough is runny
oil for frying

Mash bananas. Many recipes suggest to do this with a fork, but I've found the best, fastest and most efficient way to do this is by hands. And it's fun also! So banana mush, mix with flour and everything dry, then add eggs. Last put something liquid enough to make the dough runny. Then fry on a pan with lots of grease until lovely brown.

Tips: The browner the bananas are, the sweeter the pancakes will be. If you have good, old and wrinkly bananas, you probably don't need sugar at all. Psyllium should be in the liquid five minutes before adding to the rest. If you use normal flour, skip the psyllium, but give the flour time to absorb the moisture. With gluten free flour the dough is ready right when you've put everything together. Almond milk gives the pancakes sweetness but you can use milk or cream or just water. If you want to add flavour to the pancakes, fry them in coconut oil.

You can actually make pancakes out of just bananas and eggs, maybe add some milk too if you have any. I think those are more banana omelettes and not so yummy, but if you wake up hungry one morning and bananas and eggs are the only thing you have, then go for it.

And chocolate makes everything better. Put lots of it! In the dough, chocolate chips, chocolate sauce, just put everything in it. Chocolaaaaaate!

Baking extravaganza: Muffins

I'm one of those irritating people who posts their food all over the internet. I do so for my outfits and nails too. My excuse is that I'm a girl. Not saying that all girls do it or no guy does it but I guess guys are not motherly proud of their pancakes as I can often be. Thank heavens I don't have pets! So. Much.Spam.

Sometimes some people ask me for the recipes especially if I have baked something. The problem is that I usually bake... well, out of my ass so to speak. I have few basic quidelines written down like how many eggs to which amount of flour. But I never stick with the recipes I read, I get inspired from them but then I just do as I feel like along the way. I trust my baking skills enough to know how the dough should look like when I want it to become buns or muffins (trust me, there's a big difference).

I thought it's time to "help a brother out" and make few of my favourite basic guideline recipes public. If you have abso-no-fucking-lutely any idea what you're supposed to do in the kitchen, then follow the instructions. If you are a wizard in the kitchen, you might find these too easy for you. The thing is though, because of my diet I bake with many untraditional ingredients. Even if you know what you do in the kitchen but you have never baked with gluten free flour, you might wanna get some basic idea out of these.
If I have to start listing to people what I don't eat, the answer usually is "what do you do eat then?". The answer is "less crap". Trying to avoid wheat will change anyone's life but for a sweet-tooth like me it has been a good struggle. But these days I appreciate fresh and natural flavours more than I used to and cooking isn't so much about the end product than it is about the ingredients. Soon it'll be summer again and the marketplace will be full of temptations. Fresh herbs! Summer potatoes, mmm. Strawberries! If you can't bake, you can never go wrong with strawberries and vanilla ice cream.

Entertaining guests can be tricky sometimes because you can never know who can eat what. That's why lactose-free vanilla icecream and fresh berries is a safe choice. But it might not always be available. My all time favourite thing to bake is:

You need roughly:
2 cups of flour
1 cup of sugar
2 teaspoons of baking powder
2 teaspoons of vanilla sugar
½ cup of cream
½ cup of other liquid
2 eggs
100g of margarine

Mix together the dry ingredients, then add the rest in order and mix well. Put in those little muffin paper thingies which name I don't know and bake in 200 celsius in the middle of the oven for around 15-20 minutes.

Tips: The dough should be creamy and runny. Careful not to put too much flour. Put two paper muffin thingies on top of each other so they won't lose their shape while baking. Use brown sugar instead of half of the original white sugar and the muffins will be beautiful in color and taste amazing. With brown sugar once again you don't have to worry about allergies. The cream can be milk, the additional liquid can be babyfood (like apple chutney), the margarine can be butter. The possibilities with muffins are endless. You can add real chocolate or chocolate powder, you can add nuts, fruits, berries, juice, vanilla sauce... Once I made muffins from lemon juice and salty liqourice, wasn't bad at all. Sky's the limit. If you don't want flat muffins, use regular flour or add a spoonful of psyllium to the glutenfree flour. You can check that the muffins are done by sticking a wooden toothpick in them. If something is stuck on it, the muffin is still too raw.

For the un-american bakers, a cup is roughly two desilitres. But everything in my recipes is "roughly" anyway.

Cripples pt. II

I want to thank you for the few (private) messages I got after the last post. Though I'm afraid some of you were too hasty and didn't read the last sentences... I would like to publicly announce that I'm fine. And not the lie fine, just regular fine. I find it interesting how worried some people can get when I tell them that I just don't feel it right now.

I hope it has something to do with my personality and not with society. Being an old-maid should be a lot cooler these days than a couple of decades ago. I'll be damned if I have friends who thinks I should force it just because. It shouldn't be that alarming if I'm not into the opposite sex (or same sex, or sex in general) right now. We're back to the Disney-aspect of a woman's life: our life mission is to find the prince. And there's just so much more to life than that. At least I'd like to think so.

When I was writing the last post I was thinking the whole time "I had more to say, what was it". Because I couldn't remember the post ended up to be pretty... amputated. Few hours after that I found my notes. Here's what I had written down, and I'm not gonna explain them more because... what's the fun in that.

He did have an impact on me/my life. Why am I not allowed to mourn that? Why do we have to be brave and pretend not to be vulnerable? I wouldn't be sad if I hadn't liked him, and what's the point of being with someone if you don't like them. I mean, that's why I got dumped.

"Dreams can make you happy if you really let them."

"We can make the world go wrong."

"Words are very unnecessary, they can only do you harm."

How much potential wasted? How many singers, sirens, songwriters, poets? Because they are too afraid to be on stage or they can't read, ect?

Literally start to smell the roses.

"Make sense, not love."

"I'm alive, but I'm alone."

Women watch romantic comedies like it's porn.

Once I was innocent.

Miscarriage is like a breakup.

There might be more than you believe.

What is your superpower? What would you want your superpower to be? What would it be based on your character as a human being? Is there a difference between those two?

There's a mellow word inside myself.

"Open your eyes and you'll see: your eyes are open."

Solitude.

Some of those might not make any sense, but that's what you missed because I'm not an organised person.

It's 7am and I'm listening to my newly-made playlist of 00's hits. I want to link you a song from that list, but I think linking Paris Hilton's Stars Are Blind might be a bit too cruel. Even Crazy Frog would be kinder. So this is the blast from the past you deserve:

Cripples

You know the feeling when you're supposed to do like a million things, but you can't start even a single one? And the more you think how much you should do and how little time you have, the less you get done? Yea, I'm in that place. It's First World Problems, I know. I lack motivation in every area. I failed my last module and I should rewrite it, but the thought of failing it again cripples my fingers on the keyboard. This was my first fail in university and I managed to graduate as a bachelor before this happened. It'll be an avalanche if I don't get this done, and I know that, but still I can't start writing. My body is a cage, and so is my mind.

My motivation is not the only thing crippled. I think the last adventure with the heart was the last drop. Not the final drop, just the last for the time being. Inside my ribcage it's numb and quiet. Silence that I haven't heard in years. It's not only that "i don't feel like it", it's that I don't feel it. He was the thing that broke the camel's back. He left me speechless.

But where does the brokenhearted, the damaged souls, the cripples, go? Where can they find people who understand, who wants to be there for you as much as you'll be there for them? Where you can find same-minded people, the ones who won't judge you based on your looks, your mannerism, what do you do in life, how old you are, or what you're supposed to be? Where can you find people who have scars and wounds, who are special, disabled and lame, just like you?

No idea actually. We're all individuals so I doubt there are people who knows exactly what you're going through. I get my peer support from the guild in World of Warcraft, you have to find your own place. It felt like returning home after a long time of adventures. It was weirdly natural to take my place as the guardian of the mailbox again. Being with old and new friends warms my heart. My icy cold, rejecting and judging heart. Outside world is too cluttered for me right now.

If this world hasn't taught me anything else, it's that none of us are free. We're all crippled with fears, prejudices, our bodies, our mind that thinks too much or doesn't think at all. Some of us are unable to love and some of us love too much. We think we can't do the things we want to do or be the person we would like to be, because of a seed of doubt in our mind. How long do you have to keep repeating to yourself that you're a good person and you deserve good things until you start to believe it?

I wish I had more words, more witty blogposts, more energy, more love, more heat, just overall more to give, but I don't. What I have is a broken keyboard, no money, a messy apartment, weird sense of humour and a thirst for chocolate. But I can share from those, any takers?

The song of the day could be any of the ones in cursive, but because there are no words, let the song be without them too.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's good to be silent, good to be without words. Maybe then I can hear the rythm, hear a beat of a heart. I just need to listen carefully.

So let us have a moment of silence for the passing winter. Let the spring come.

The balls of a woman were mine

The thing with successful blogging is consistency and I don't really have it. Also my keyboard is sticky even after cleaning it so writing hasn't been a priority lately. I've been scheming with three different topics but haven't come to any conclusion on what should I write. So I will write about all of those three. In one post. Bare with me. And hopefully this will make up for the long silence.

I've worn only few different perfumes in my life. I started with vanilla, changed it to the smell of fresh seawind, then I got a bottle of Chanel and I haven't looked back since. Until few weeks ago I bought some cosmetics and the clerk gave me a sample of a new perfume. I tried it and it smelled nice so I wore it one day. It felt so weird to smell like something else, like I was someone else. It's not so odd changing shampoo, I don't have to smell like kids chewing gum all the time, but when the strongest fragrance is different than I'm used to, I keep hearing in my head the lyrics of a song "the scent of a woman was not mine".

When I was still in England, I was kinda bored at some point. I already knew at that point I was coming back home soon so I decided to see the meat market in Finland and I changed my location in Tinder to home. I found this funny guy and he found me. We chatted for three weeks before I finally landed in the same country. We met the very next day I had arrived which was a bit weird because I was crashing at my ex's couch the first week. I got keys to my new apartment in the beginning of February but because of many reasons, I wanted to come home sooner. England was not kind to me.

The first date went well and so did many after that. When we didn't have time to meet and the days passed, it felt hard and we both missed each other. Or so he said. One day little less than a month into dating I had been sick and we finally met on a Sunday. He was a bit cranky but nothing serious. The next day he sent me a message in the morning that maybe it's not wise for us to meet that day since he needs time to think things over. Later that day he sent me another message asking if I was at home. I said I was and he asked if he could call me. Oh fuck here it comes, was my initial thought and I was right. He started the phone call by "I don't wanna do this over the phone, but...". He lives 20 minutes away and he decided to dump me on the phone.

That phone call didn't last long, mostly because my phone decided I didn't want to hear what he had to say. After he couldn't hear me, but I could hear him, I sent him a message saying that he shouldn't call me back because there's nothing more to say. If he's just not that into me, then he isn't. Not much I can do or say to change his mind. I know I'm great and if he didn't see him, it's sad but not fixable. My girlfriends thought it was ball-less to dump me over the phone, but I reduced his sentence by giving him credit for saying it straight. At least he had the guts to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. I've never been really dumped before and I appreciate this experience as well as other ones in my life. Now I know how it's like. I should've talked with him more than "We're too different" because now I'm obsessing about what went wrong, did I do something and such. I guess that's given with all break-ups.

I don't think we were too different, but I guess he was looking for something else. And he did have balls, I can vouch for that. I saw them, and they felt nice. The only problem I really had was the way he commented his... well, the thing right next to the balls. It wasn't huge, yes. But he knew how to work it and I'm going to miss being naked with him. But I miss being naked with many other guys too so I think I can live with this longing. It's reassuring to know there really is good sex out there and it's not just a myth or imagination.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how we are so worried when we're young about the first time we're gonna have sex. We're worried about losing our virginity and we still wonder how the first time affects our lives. We spend a lot of time thinking about our old mistakes and regretting bad sex we've had. But how often do we stop to think when is going to be our last time we have it. What if you died to day, how was your last time? What is going to be your final fuck? If I died right now, I could go knocking on the gates of heaven (or maybe it would be hell) happy about the fact that my final fuck was worth to remember for at least few first decades of eternity.

I was supposed to round up a collage of pictures for all the smoochies out there for valentine's day but I was too busy dating. Now I regret that the time passed and I have so many of them saved and I missed my chance. If I'm still writing a blog next year, the collection will be huge so you better start preparing for it already. Someone once said that my blog is hard to read with all the quotes in between, but I like them and I'm not going to change it. Though I was thinking of doing a vlog instead of blog at least once. Right now my new place is not properly staged for that so it has to wait until I'm fin(n)ished furnishing.

Just few weeks I was complaining to my friends that I have too much free time in my hands and that I should maybe get a hobby. Today was my only day off from work and I spent it by stopping by the university in three offices and checking my emails at home. I ended up putting post-it's on my wall so I can remember all the things I should do. It's busy at work and I have four essays to write before summer. Plus all the other things like going to museums, theatre, parties, to see standup... After being dumped I found myself in a weird situation that there's nothing going on in my lovelife. I don't like anyone and I'm not even really interested in anyone. Which is a good thing, because I don't have time for any of that love-crap! Who has time for dating when there's work (that I love to do), studying (that I love to learn) and fixing up my (new fabulous bachelorette) pad. It's about time I focus on myself, and mr. Small-balls gave me the opportunity to do so and I thank him for that.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not desperate enough for dating. I don't appreciate everything and the older I get the harder it gets to change for someone else. I might sleep with people, but I don't spend the night with them. And I think that bothers some of the people I've been dating in the past couple of years. I like the way I do things, and of course that is the right way to do things. I'm set in my ways and I'm not so keen on having just anyone in my life to make compromises. I think that's why the getting dumped part hurt me this much because I was slowly getting ready to give in, maybe quit smoking and sleep over and such.

I once chatted with this israeli guy over the wonderful world of internet, and he was sure we should be together. He was like a decade younger than I am and we were in different countries. As tempting the idea was, it was also ludicrous. He was talking about moving to where I am just after few weeks of chatting and never meeting me in person and that reeks desperation. I am willing to make sacrifices and maybe for some guy I would be willing to move to another country, but not that easily. For the perfect guy I would be willing to overlook weird stuff and give up some of my weirdness, but that guy hasn't yet walked past me. Or maybe he has and I have been too busy with the wrong guy, who knows. Over all it's a whole mess. And despite the whole mess, I'm still happier than ever. I think for me happiness is being productive, helpful and needed. And life is offering so much of that right now. Thankfully.

The d-dilemma

I had a terribad christmas holiday. I was sick and I felt lonely and angry for being away from the ones I love. And then in need of a lot of chocolate, if you know what I mean. It was a miserable New Years because I had nothing to do. My advise to you is that if you're considering moving abroad, do it for the whole year. The four months for me is just too short to build a life and make friends. What's the point of making deeper connections since you're going to lose them so soon and maybe forever.

So I did what I do. I browse internet. Comment here and another there. Next thing I know dickpics in my inbox are on the rise. This time I even got  a video and a gif. My first ever dick-gif, btw. I've also spent a lot of time talking about why do guys send pictures of their junk. They sometimes ask something in return and when I decline, they still send pictures of themselves. Some wants to show off, some are insecure about themselves and needs reinforcement, some do it for the excitement. Today one guy told me that he sent me a dickpic because he was feeling blue and it made him feel better. That it made him feel like he was interacting with someone. That almost broke my heart. And what a weird feeling looking at a picture of him after that...

I wish I could show you what kind of pics I get. Some guys are very creative about it. They have something for scale next to it, they have different clothes, different backgrounds, different postures and point of views. It's quite interesting. I think I've mentioned this before but my interest in dickies is not sexual. I tried to explain to one guy I was once dating that I could have a folder of bunnypics instead, it would have the same effect. They are nice to look at, they can be funny, they are different and they can even be artistic. There are as many different dicks in the world as there are guys. Maybe after few decades I print them out and have an art show, who knows.

I almost deleted the folder because of that guy who didn't understand why I had it and why I would want to keep it. After that I've tried to be more open about it and tell about my little hobby in the beginning. If it scares the guy away, good riddance. Then it definitely wasn't the one for me. I was bored when I was sick so I decided to invest in entertainment and I bought one month worth of subscription of Tinder so I could move my location to home and see what kind of market there is. There are some potential people, I had forgotten how good Finnish guys looks. In England there are gorgeous guys and then fugly guys, nothing in between it feels like. In Funland there are plenty of guys that might not be drop-dead-gorgeous but certainly a sight for sore eyes.

So I've been chatting. The main question has changed from "How do you like England?" to "Where the hell are you when this says we're 1660 kilometres away!". The most difficult question so far has been "What do you do for fun?". Umm.. I... Play video games... and shake my booty... I really need a solid hobby that gives me a good answer to that question. Pimping my online dating profile by actually doing stuff, best plan ever! I was asked what sub-category I represent as a geek. I didn't know what to answer, but after talking with my sister who was visiting me here, I came to the conclusion that I'm a social geek. Everything I do involves other people somehow. I couldn't even name one single-player game I play. This revelation made me feel more normal than in years.

And I think I struck some kind of goldmine again. I know, I know, I've said this before. That's why I'm very cautious this time. But fuck he is funny. And similar to me, but not too much. Chatting with him is so easy. But I have to wait weeks until I get to meet him and possibly be disappointed. I feel like I'm one foot back home already. I should take it easy but I also kinda just want to enjoy the ride. Failure is likely anyways so why not make the best out of it? He doesn't even care about my d-file! I'm screwed, aren't I?

Other thing that worries me is that now that I'm going home, I might have time for an actual relationship. When that thought hit me, I almost panicked. I'm not ready! I have so many (stupid) singlelife-things to do! Never in my life has commitment scared me before, I guess I've been flying solo for long enough to appreciate it. It would be so... karma if it would happen now. My life is in order and I've started to focus on other stuff. Considering how much I complain about not finding The One... ahh women, amirite? Well, he just needs to read this blog and then I'm off to new adventures again. Maybe I'll kiss a girl. Or even two people at the same time. Why is life so confusing?

 

Resolutions

It's that time of the year again. New year, old tricks. I wasn't gonna post a NY rant, but then I saw something in the deep dark corners of the interwebs and I decided the world needs another motivational post from yours truly. This is the image I came across:

I was staring at this longer than I'd like to admit. I did that. I literally did that last year.

Remember last time on the NY post I made I promised quite a lot of things:

2014 is slowly fading away and 2015 is smashing through the window in to the room. And what a strange year is has been. A whole year single, who would've thought! I've been so happy this year. The most content for my life I've ever been. It hasn't been perfect, obviously, but the dark moments have been rare and I've been surrounded by wonderful people.

I have been even happier in the year 2015. The dark times have been ever more rare and the good times have flown higher. I stopped talking to people who makes me unhappy because I have more self-respect.

I would like to ask for more courage to be myself, to trust myself more, to have more strength. I would like to gain more wisdom, more understanding and more appreciation to little things. I would like to listen to more good songs, listen to birds sing, listen to people smile. I would like to give no more bs and receive no more bs. And I wish all of this to everyone.

I still have work to do with the whole receiving bs, but I have been more open about situations that makes me uncomfortable. I have gained more wisdom and mainly it has come through new friends and new places. My old friends have thought me great deal too, mostly about myself, goodness in people and strength. I have appreciated smaller things in life and heard so many birds sing that sometimes I want to cry for joy.

I've learned so much. About myself and the world. I've found courage in me that I thought didn't even existed. I've been so blessed, so unbelievably lucky. Sometimes I wait for the sky to fall down because it's hard to believe I deserve any of this. I'm still single and I might not have kissed everyone I wanted, but I have broaden my view on men in general. I have defined my heritage and proved to myself that I'm not a racist. I'm childishly curious about other cultures and people, but I have no hatred towards anyone. This is really stupid, but I had a goal to kiss a black man in the summer. Summer went and passed before I reached my silly goal, but I did it finally. And what I learned about that was that men are pretty much the same.

I mean, there are different personalities in all of us, but the color of ones skin doesn't change a man (or a woman). The only thing different is that taking selfies together is hard depending on the lighting and the contrast of the colors is beautiful. (I'm probably one of the whitest people in the world and my tone against dark chocolate looks amazing. Funny side note though: I burned my back on 4th of July and I still have the tanline. That's not so pretty and mainly just awkward. For the year 2016 I hope to get rid of that or I can never be nekkid with anyone again.)

I shaved my head and it's slowly growing back. I miss my hair dearly when it's windy but I also like the new style. Rockin' it! I also got on to a plane and moved to another country for few months. It has been scary in so many levels and I have crazy respect for those who has come to study with me from other countries and especially outside Europe. With my English skills it has been struggling so I can only imagine how it is for those who understands even less. It has been a great experience and again I've learned so much. But I still can't wait to go home. There's a little apartment with my name on it waiting for me and I will finally live alone. Can't wait to decorate it and have people over for sleepovers and pillowfights and whatnot. Probably gonna spend the first week dancing naked and cooking and showering in the night.

What I didn't do from the list in the pic is take my own life. I haven't even thought about it. Few weeks ago I was pretty sure I'll die because I was so sick, and what a satisfying feeling it was to think "if I don't wake up from this sleep, it's okay. I have had an amazing life so far and I have no big regrets."

Next year I would like to dance more, sing more, love more, laugh more, travel more, work harder, let go off unnecessary pain, play more with my friends, make snow angels and sit by the midsummer night bonfire and maybe hire a professional lotioner to help me not to turn into a freaking raisin every goddamn winter.

I danced more but I want to dance even more. I sang more, but I'm going to sing even more. I loved more, but not romantically. I laughed more and smiled more and I'm going to keep on doing that. I traveled more but this year I hope I'll be able to travel outside Europe and see how the world is elsewhere. I will work harder and give my best because I want to be the best. Now that I have a laptop and will have an apartment just for myself there is definitely gonna be more gaming. I really want to make snow angels, but the damn winter is not coming soon enough! Ice skating is also on the list and cross-country skiing. I'm still looking for the lotioner and the love of my life. I have a feeling this won't be the year it will happen either, but at least I can have so much fun searching.

It's been a good road I've been on and I think I should continue this path. Maybe study a little more and do the dishes more often but otherwise I will keep the course and full speed ahead! I've felt so loved, not by a significant other but by friends and family. If I had true love in my life, my glass full off luck and happiness would overflow.

I've learned new skills the past year and that is something I hope to achieve this year too. This year I would like to learn to be more confident and more okay with my own skin. I want to be less selfish when it's possible, and more selfish when it's necessary. I want to own less material possessions. I want to make more meaningful things in my life. I want to gain good reputation and have my own opinions. I want to taste new foods and I want to cook more. I want to enjoy more music and other kind of arts. I want to have more deep conversations, but I also want to have more fun and be more jolly. I want to be afraid of not trying. And the most I want to waste less time.

For everyone I wish the new year would bring more self-respect, more loving yourself. More brighter days and less bad decisions. More strength and courage to know what's good for you and own it. I wish you'll find your passion and reach your ambitions. I wish less judgement for my countrymen and more cultural understanding. Less prejudices, but more Austen. The most I wish this year will be the best year so far and may the next be even better.

The song of the day is a mashup of the past year by DJ Earworm. Enjoy!