To be or to be alone, the tale of the overthinker

Long time, no complaints. Hello again!

I haven't had any kind of a crush in a long time. Ever since I broke up with the Viking, it's been quiet in all fronts when it comes to love, sex or even flirting. I've only kissed one guy since, and it just didn't feel right. I didn't get the right butterflies, only the nervous kind. And it all felt just... wrong. Not a right fit, even though this guy is a lovely guy. 

I thought it was too soon. I've been such a mess, and not in a hot way, for years now. I've been considering living the rest of my life without the spark, because everything gets so complicated every time there's any feelings involved.

I'm not saying relationships have to be complicated, I mean that if your mental capacity to handle emotions is all wonky, catching the feels can be almost exhausting, and definitely confusing.

On to the story then.

So, I've been flirting with this guy over the internet. He knows little to nothing about me, and I about him, but the past few days has brought me to life in a way I had totally forgotten that flirting could do. It's like being a teenager again. I forgot I had hormones!

But work is super stressful right now and I don't have time to wake up in the middle of the night to think of his... well... penis. I'm as focused as a banana the same moment I log out of work stuff.

I don't know what to do! Should I cut the flirting out or ride it out and see how long it'll last? Nip it in the bud before it gets even more complicated? Or enjoy the waves of feeling something?

Birds sing. I can hear music. I want to write again. Life feels good. Is it worth it? Will the downfall destroy me? Even if it's nothing, nothing serious AT ALL, it might still be more than my fragile self can handle.

Why am I such a mess?

If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you.

But then again, when in doubt, choose life.

Aaaargh! Confusion is thy name!

Send help.

Valentine's Day Extravaganza pt. 3

 Hello hello hello again!

It's been four years (me thinks) since we've celebrated the smoochies, so here we go again! With a twist this year, of course, because it's 2021 after all.

So I put on my "Sad but nice" playlist and went through all my files I have gathered through the years.

Did you know that in Finnish we call this day the day of friends? And in Swedish it's the day of hearts. To me it just tells that it's not that simple at all. But this day can be metal as hell!

But seriously, it's a different time. I mean of course, because we can't go back in time. Still, we live in a weird age.

We can't really do things "normally", so we have to adjust.

I find it helpful to think positive.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always work.

I'm in the process of both trying to figure myself out and also so fed up with online dating.

They say love won't come find you from home and you should go out there to look for it, but I think this pandemic is proving everyone wrong.

Last year has taught us so much about couch potatoes and how wonderful it can be just to be at home and bond over mundane, regular stuff.

In the end it's a great day how ever you choose to celebrate it.

Maybe you have someone to cuddle with forever. Maybe it's just for today. Maybe you don't have one at all or maybe you don't even want one. That's all fine, no matter what your situation is, you can still celebrate this day and make someone feel loved.

Happy day of friends, hearts and love!

Voldemort-19

This my humble take on the pandemic. Harry Potter of course has a perfect metaphor for this situation (too). Imagine Hogwarts being modern economy and Voldemort being the virus.

 

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's (/Sorcerer's) Stone, 1997

 

“SO WHAT?" Harry shouted. "Don't you understand? If Snape gets hold of the Stone, Voldemort's coming back! Haven't you heard what it was like when he was trying to take over? There won't be any Hogwarts to get expelled from! He'll flatten it, or turn it into a school for the Dark Arts! Losing points doesn't matter anymore, can't you see? Do you think he'll leave you and your families alone if Gryffindor wins the house cup? --”

If you break the quarantine/curfew/distancing Voldemort will get the Philosopher's Stone. It doesn't matter if you have a job after this pandemic, because you will be a shell of a man, broken and sad - or dead. If you think it's okay for some people to die as long as you can continue on like before, just read up on history and see for example how the world was after the Black Plague. The world won't be the same no matter what you think.

 

It's all kinds of horrible, like a friend of mine said when we were talking about all those people who has to die alone in the hospitals because no visitation and the healthcare is collapsing. I know I can take this situation pretty easy because I'm used to being home. If I can be a hero just by playing videogames, I have no complaints doing just that. Hello World of Warcraft, my old friend... But I really do symphatise with people who are outgoing, used to live busy lives and has more people at home than just my own sorry ass. And I get that if you're used of being an independent person, it is hard to ask for help for things you would be able to do yourself. If you're not sick, it feels silly to ask someone else to go to the store for you.

 

And I get that there has been many mistakes all around the world. What I don't get is what it helps to point out those mistakes now that it's too late to correct them. Maybe some people think we then stop making other mistakes now? Because we'd be more careful? Even though mistakes were made by being careful? I don't know... I guess "you can lead a horse to Evanescence but you can't bring him to life". In this case it is to give people the proper tools to think and more than plenty of information, but no one can make people see how dangerous of a situation we're in. Of course it's hard to do so, if it's not personal. If you don't know anyone who has been sick, if you have no doubt that you're healthy, it can feel unfair to be restricted and it can almost feel like a conspiracy. Here we see the lack of trust in our governments and the media and we'll fall back to our own senses to figure out what is true and what is not.

 

Maybe some people will now stop complaining about the unemployed who "just sit around the house all day doing nothing", like that's so easy. The same restrictions most people are experiencing now, are the ones poor people have. They can't go anywhere or do anything because they can't afford it. And if something is absolutely necessary, a poor person might have to hoard it from sale. I know this life feels hard right now, but you'll soon get used to it and I can tell you, it's not that bad. There's plenty of things to do: books, audiobooks, tv-shows, movies, you can sing, dance, play, learn a new skill, take an online course, open a window and breath in the fresh air, do spring cleaning, call your long-lost relatives and friends, paint, write, take a nap, move the furniture, build a pillow fortress and sleep in a sleeping bag, go through the photos and delete duplicates, knit, find a silly workout video from the 70's and try to keep up with it, listen to podcasts, draw something without looking at the paper, check out some social media platform you've never used before, tape encouraging words to your window, see an art/museum exhibition online, cook something that needs a lot of time, go for a long walk, imagine a better future, update your addons...

The most important thing is that your life has changed. You don't have to do it like you used to before. You can actually take the nap in the middle of the day if you want to. There are plenty of articles saying that you should hold on to your routines, and maybe that's a good advice. From my own experience the better way is to accept that life is no longer like it used to be and try to find a new rythm to your days before you loose yourself in the nothingness. If you can still work as much as you are required in a day, you don't have to be like you were before. You can do what ever you want without compromising the others, enjoy the time at home. I promise you, it won't last forever. 

 

The world will be like Fawkes and rise from the ashes.

"Nevertheless, Harry, while you may only have delayed his return to power -- if he is delayed again, and again, why, he may never return to power."

💋

Charge!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind? I don't. But lately I've been feeling like this:

Imagine a tall, dark, ominous castle. I'm just outside it with a group of people. They are all proper knights, and I'm just a sorry squire. There's an evil dragon inside the castle who is holding women from different cities hostage. They have been imprisoned for a long time. They might not be alive anymore, but I did hear a scream a while ago.

I have my short sword, my helmet and my keen attitude to save the women and with them the villages they were robbed from. Unfortunately it is a foreign country and I don't know my way around the castle. I'm just a squire, I wasn't meant to fight the dragons. I turn to the knights. I tell them I heard a scream and if we act fast, we might still be able to save someone.

Squire, from Dungeon Defenders

One of the knights has fallen asleep while I was admiring the castle. He is snoring loudly and does not even budge when I poke him. Another one said he'd take a leak and we haven't seen him since. That was days ago. One has broken his sword and he is swinging the rest of it in the air. He is ready for action, but unfortunately the sword is not.

The fourth one looks at the castle, turns to me and asks if I know are the women blond. I do know, because I have seen them. He doesn't care for brunettes, and since he would probably have to marry a rescued woman, it would be better to know beforehand if they are to his liking.

Then there's one who has all the equipment and everything, he sits there sharpening his sword and he knows everything about dragons. Unfortunately he has already promised to free a dozen other virgins, maids, princesses and whatnot. And the castle is not even in his territory.

The problem is that even though the castle is tall, dark and ominous, the distressed maidens are on the first floor. We could see them, if we just would peek through the window. And actually the dragon is quite old and lazy. If the maidens are dead, they have probably died of hunger, and not because of the enemy. We could pretty much charge inside and the rescue would be done in an instance. And I can't storm the castle, because... well, it seems I've lost my bottoms as you can see from the picture. I keep poking and poking the knights to do something. One is missing, one doesn't care, one doesn't have the equipment and one... I don't even know.

We are all fighting our battles and usually it's not like a fairy tale, more like a comedy.

Suicide Bunnies

Damn smoochies are here again

It is that time of the year again and like in 2015, I welcome you to the

VALENTINE'S DAY EXTRAVAGANZA!

I have no idea why everything is an extravaganza for me, but I guess it's a funny word. And funny words should be used often.


Next stop, song of the day. For this love filled day I chose Cake's Love You Madly. Now, let's get down to business.

 That's it. Have a very merry day with your loved one or a friend or your computer!